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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that women shouldn’t have to put up with this?

136 replies

getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 08:05

Yesterday I had to wait in for somebody to come and inspect and collect DH’s old lease car. Eventually a man turned up (late). He spent a bit of time moaning about the disorganisation of his company, and then said “well this is going to take about half an hour- unless you want to stand there and watch me! Can I have the keys?”

I had the two sets of keys in my hand and passed them over to him. As I put them in his hand he grabbed my hand, kept hold of it so I couldn’t pull it away and repeatedly stroked it hard with his thumb. While doing this he looked me in the eye and said, “Now why don’t you go and make me a nice cup of coffee, my darling?”

I’d like to say that I said some clever comment back at him, but I felt so uncomfortable that I didn’t say anything - even standing there on my own doorstep. Also as he was inspecting a vehicle to look for things you can be charged for, I didn’t want to antagonise him.

I didn’t make him any coffee though.

He was a man probably in his 60s and working for a company called BCA.

AIBU to think that in this day and age no men should think that this is an acceptable way to treat a women in her own home, or anywhere?

(Namechanged for this as I am bound to mention it to someone in real life)

OP posts:
gilchrist168 · 03/04/2019 08:57

That was disgusting creepy behaviour. Glad you reported it.

Original poster
getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 08:59

Exactly, Im0gen Hmm

OP posts:
Servalan · 03/04/2019 09:00

One thing that his heartening about this thread is how much things have changed since I was younger.

I used to put up with this sort of shit all the time - a lot of my friends did. It was kind of the way it was and it wouldn't have occurred to any of us to complain. You just had to learn ways to politely avert the unsettling and mildly threatening behaviour.

I'm glad that more space and air time is being given to the fact that this sort of behaviour is totally unacceptable and no one needs to put up with it. It gives me hope for girls growing up now.

I'm really glad to hear you complained and I'm sorry you had that experience.

LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2019 09:01

Hear hear Derelict

PlasticPatty · 03/04/2019 09:05

I don’t think I did generalise

I think you are quite right. Thank you for complaining.

Derelict, I hear you.

LGY1 · 03/04/2019 09:06

BCA are a huge organisation. They sell thousands of cars a week through auction & to dealers.
We buy all our cars from auction there, it’s a very ‘willy waving’ environment! Just the type of environment that was acceptable years ago but they need to step into the real world!
They are big enough that they should have proper processes in place for this stuff, hope you get a response to your complaint

NiktheGreek · 03/04/2019 09:09

My DH is 61, he would never treat a woman like that. So sod off with your generational shit.

ahagwearsapointybonnet · 03/04/2019 09:20

Reminds me of the lechy men I used to get when working in a hotel bar, one especially who did a particularly slimey sort of stroke all along my palm when taking his change - it was "just a stroke" and barely a few seconds so would doubtless be dismissed by others as "nothing", but it was so obviously intentional and creepy it still revolts me decades later. (The same guy and his mate also tried to convince me to go up to their room after my shift, ugh). Back then I was too young and intimidated to do anything about it (especially as the management there was spectacularly bad and would have been no help), but I like to think I would now!

PBo83 · 03/04/2019 09:27

@Servalan

Brilliantly put. This is clearly unacceptable behaviour but the fact it stood out as such, the OP has complained and it is being talked about on a public forum means it is no longer accepted as 'the norm'.

Villanellesproudmum · 03/04/2019 09:30

Age thing, don’t be daft! He is a disgusting creep. Don’t be pissed off by your reaction because you were likely in disbelief at the time.

mumwon · 03/04/2019 09:33

one spoon of arsenic or two?

Babuchak · 03/04/2019 09:33

It's not very common at all, it's not acceptable.

Most women reaction would have been to take their hands away, tell him to not touch you and strongly complain immediately.

Any bad reaction from him being told to not dare me and he would have been told to get the hell out of my property and I would have been straight on the phone to his company, and the police if necessary.

I don't know many women who think it's acceptable and would put up with that.

chazwomaq · 03/04/2019 09:37

I would have made the coffee TBH
...
and then "accidentally" spilled it on his crotch.

Original poster
getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 09:39

I don’t actually think most women’s reaction would be to tell him not to touch you and confront him immediately. They might think they would though. I am not a timid person, but when put in that situation, I didn’t react how I would like to have in hindsight.

OP posts:
MRex · 03/04/2019 09:39

I'm glad you complained. I hope I would have sent him packing and then complained, I certainly would raise a complaint and not let it drop. There is no reason why anybody should put up with someone stroking their hand like that (the coffee is rude, but not getting coffee resolves that problem).

Babuchak · 03/04/2019 09:41

I don’t actually think most women’s reaction would be to tell him not to touch you and confront him immediately.

I disagree, even if it's a haughty "excuse me!".

drum12345 · 03/04/2019 09:42

Reminds me of a recent encounter with someone I vaguely knew at uni. I met him in a crowd of other people and wanted to talk to him because he works in the field I am dabbling in now that I'm pretty much retired. When I first spoke to him 'that' look was in his eyes - it felt like he was thinking "ooh, here's another one", just like I was prey. I dismissed it at first and tried to talk sensibly to him a couple of times. He was just inappropriately complimentary IYKWIM. I didn't smile or simper, just said the conversation was going nowhere and took myself off to talk to others. When we were saying goodbye, he shook my hand and did that horrible palm stroke thing. I snatched my hand away and said very loudly "don't be a pervert [insert name]". He actually looked very embarrassed and I was very proud of myself. What he did sounds like nothing much, but it is an example of that middle ground crap that some men dish out. My advanced years do make it easier to be bolshy - I really do not, any more, buy into the notion that women have to be nice to men. I must add that I have had tradesmen in my house on many occasions when I've been here alone and not once have any of them been remotely inappropriate. I also have male lodgers and have encountered no problems whatsoever. So the vast majority of men, IMO, are considerate towards women without even thinking about it. The few creeps need to be called out loud and long, whenever possible.

Bigsighall · 03/04/2019 09:43

I know a bit about this company. Complain to head office rather than the branch

LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2019 09:47

"I don’t actually think most women’s reaction would be to tell him not to touch you and confront him immediately."

"I disagree, even if it's a haughty "excuse me!"."

Well many would disagree with you Bab, some women do manage to confront the creep, many are too shocked to say a word.

spanishwife · 03/04/2019 09:49

It's vile and I can totally imagine how you felt as similar has happened to me. I also remember the nervous laughing and being frozen until 30 mins later and the rage sets in and you know exactly what you wished you'd said!

It happens to a lot of women - if you think 'this doesn't happen' you are very lucky.

Original poster
getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 09:55

Thanks, Bigsighall, I will do that

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 03/04/2019 09:58

Vile behaviour, glad you're complaining. I got called a silly bitch by s man this week, because his large dog came bounding over to where I was sat on a bench with my baby on my lap watching the ducks, and tried to lick my baby's face I pushed the dog away (gently) saying no and stood up, but he still tried to get to my DS. The owner eventually strolled over and said 'you and your bloody bread' - we'd fed the ducks but that was over before the dog approached. I said 'maybe the dog should be on a lead' at which point he said 'really? Silly bitch' . I pointed out it was s public park full of children and his dog had at least tried to lick my baby and didn't come when called. He just stomped off swearing.

VivaFrida · 03/04/2019 09:59

IM0GEN and DerelictWreck : YES to both!

I cannot even begin to tell you the shit I had to put up with men all my life. From being hassled on the train (coming back from uni, wearing my grandfather's coat, no makeup, reading Dante) to an electrician (male) coming to my house asking me if I was "a Swedish model" - I am dark haired and dark skinned so I assume that was a code for 'prostitute' - one TWAT even asked me out when I was with my kids!! And one chapter who came round to redo our kitchen (he did not get the job) was so creepy that I started looking at my watch and saying "mmhm, my husband said he was going to pop in to talk to you, he should be here any minute" - OR they assume that because I am at home I do not work (I work full time and from home quite a bit) and make assumptions like "you live a nice life, eh" or "not up to much today, aren't you" when I am actually on some printing deadline and tearing my hair out metaphorically. It is as if my body, my looks, my life are public property and open to male comment all the bloody time. I was hoping that growing older it would stop but no... they are just getting older and creepier.

OP I am so sorry you had to deal with this and well done you for reporting! When the kitchen creep came round (standing too close for comfort and making allusive comments about some TV programme, really weird stare and allusive eyebrow raises... omg... I shudder thinking about it) I just did not feel I had enough evidence to make a complaint, but now I so wish I did!

CoachBombay · 03/04/2019 10:02

I have had a similar experience OP and it left me really unsettled.

We lived in married quarters when DS was a baby and we had a contractor round to fix our boiler. Whilst I was washing baby bottles he came up behind me and placed his hand on my shoulder and pressed himself in to me and said "put the kettle on love"

I stepped closer to the sink to get away from him , and I was so shocked all I could manage was "Ok".

Later that even DH came home from work and I told him what happened, he was understandibly enraged. DH reported the incident to the welfare team who apologised to us. We later discovered the engineer had numerous sexual harassment complaints against him!

His face and name were known round camp, and I'm sure one of the other husband's gripped him one day after a similar thing happened with his wife.

It's terrible, it has left me somewhat nervousness to be in a house alone with any builders/engineers now.

thenightsky · 03/04/2019 10:05

Nasty man. I've had similar happen many times and, despite being quite outspoken, I've always just frozen up inside. I always feel cross with myself afterwards that I didn't do or say something.