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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that women shouldn’t have to put up with this?

136 replies

getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 08:05

Yesterday I had to wait in for somebody to come and inspect and collect DH’s old lease car. Eventually a man turned up (late). He spent a bit of time moaning about the disorganisation of his company, and then said “well this is going to take about half an hour- unless you want to stand there and watch me! Can I have the keys?”

I had the two sets of keys in my hand and passed them over to him. As I put them in his hand he grabbed my hand, kept hold of it so I couldn’t pull it away and repeatedly stroked it hard with his thumb. While doing this he looked me in the eye and said, “Now why don’t you go and make me a nice cup of coffee, my darling?”

I’d like to say that I said some clever comment back at him, but I felt so uncomfortable that I didn’t say anything - even standing there on my own doorstep. Also as he was inspecting a vehicle to look for things you can be charged for, I didn’t want to antagonise him.

I didn’t make him any coffee though.

He was a man probably in his 60s and working for a company called BCA.

AIBU to think that in this day and age no men should think that this is an acceptable way to treat a women in her own home, or anywhere?

(Namechanged for this as I am bound to mention it to someone in real life)

OP posts:
VivaFrida · 03/04/2019 10:10

Babuchak and others... on reacting... when the 'assault' is quite open and in a public place is fairly easy (for me) to react, but the other weird middle ground as others mentioned, or when they are in your house and you are alone...

I literally chased away the perv on the train and gave a piece of my mind to the TWAT asking me out when I was with my kids (toddlers), but when the kitchen creep was in the house and the 'assault' was much more subtle I felt much weaker and felt I had to think around the problem instead of confronting,

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 03/04/2019 10:10

I would have called him out on it and told him to go. Then phoned his company up with an official complaint and asked for a different person to come out. Complaint would have also included his lack of time keeping. Social media is also your best weapon here. Name and shame. He is relying on you keeping quiet.
But yanbu in thinking this shouldn't have happened in the first place.

Yabbers · 03/04/2019 10:13

I would have told him to leave, called the company and explained why they needed to send somebody else.

Women don't "have to put up with it". Women should be calling it out every single time.

Original poster
getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 10:14

I appreciate the comments from people who have had similar happen and not felt able to say anything to the person at the time - I feel cross with myself for not saying things I now wish I had, but when you’re taken by surprise, you don’t always respond the way you’d like to.

Especially if you are waiting for that person to pass judgement on your car which could be potentially costly...

OP posts:
SleepingSloth · 03/04/2019 10:22

He sounds vile and I'm glad you have complained about him. I'd have made him a coffee which I would have accidently spilt all over him.

Brienneoftarthiloveyou · 03/04/2019 10:27

He sounds horrible Op - glad you complained. BCA are picking up my lease car at the end of the month - really hope I don't get someone like him as I agree with you that you're kind of at his mercy re judgement on the car and that potentially costing you a fortune! Fingers crossed I get someone professional.

Marshmallow91 · 03/04/2019 10:29

OP, glad you complained.
I understand why you didn't says anything at the time.
My previous boss and I were viewing property so he could start a new element within his gym business, with me running it. While opening a door, that was jammed by a carpet, he asked me to have a look into the room to check out it's suitability. I did and as soon as I leaned forward, he pressed himself tight against me. I could tell he was erect, and my options were literally fall over onto the crap lying on the floor, or back up to get out, pressing myself onto the him even more.

I hastily backed up an moved sideways when I could. I couldn't look this 45 year old in the eye, let alone say anything - as a 19 year old girl, i should have asserted myself and told him where to go, but to be honest I was in shock, I was in a locked otherwise empty building with a man more than double my size. I relied on the him for a job, and to unlock that door. I was terrified he would take things further if I challenged his behaviour. All these things ran through my head at once.

Raspberrytruffle · 03/04/2019 10:32

Yak what a pug yanbu! I'm pretty I would of made him a cuppa and spit in it Angry

Raspberrytruffle · 03/04/2019 10:32

Pig not pug

Sitdownstandup · 03/04/2019 10:33

You didn't generalize OP. The person who said that to you is wrong.

As for your question, no Yanbu. Unfortunately though, some people will kick off if you suggest something might be sexism if there's any other explanation, however far fetched, that they might be able to concoct for it. But you should definitely complain.

MadeleineMaxwell · 03/04/2019 10:38

I think situations like this are when the whole 'fight, flight or freeze' instinct kick in. You can't help it if you froze, so don't worry about not confronting him there and then OP. Definitely complain to HO.

becauseimbatman · 03/04/2019 10:47

I don't know if I am more distubed by his actions or the number of appolgists on a site composed mostly of women.
It's the appologists that allow this kind of behaviour to continue, especially where the abuse is somewhat subtle.
When I was a teenager I worked in a fast food place which had a small stockroom with a fairly narrow door. If one of the young women who worked on the counter was sent off to get stock, the man (late 40s) who was supposed to keep the dining area clean would use the back way to go off to the stock room and stand in the doorway (pretending to look for cleaning supplies) so the young woman would have to either wait in the stockroom or squeeze past him with her arms full of stock.
It was reaqlly nasty as it was quite difficult to prove and each part of the potential complaint had a legitimate response he could give. Eventually though the women came to an understanding that if one of them was sent for stock and they saw him dissapear, they would ask one of the male staff to also go and get some stock. He was always startled and would give me a dirty look whenever I turned up to ruin his plans.

BertrandRussell · 03/04/2019 10:47

I love the idea of previous generations being more “touchy-feely”

No. No they weren’t.

M4J4 · 03/04/2019 10:50

@HopefulAgain10

Well this has never, ever happened to me so I think you just met a very unpleasant, horrible man.

I also dont think you should be generalizing.

You are part of the problem. And probably male.

FooFighter99 · 03/04/2019 10:56

I've experienced something similar with a man who delivers things to our office once a week.

It started with him being really "friendly" towards me, trying to engage me in conversation and singling me out from my colleages.

Then he asked me for some keys to a cupboard and held my hand when I gave them to him, it was very creepy. He's asked me where I live and generally makes me incredibly uncomfortble to the point of when I hear him coming I bolt for the toilets and hide.

Once, when he'd finished delivering his stuff, he stood in the foyer staring at me through the window/hatch, trying to catch my eye, I ignored him and he whislted at me to get my attention so he could wave bye to me!

He really makes my blood run cold but I don't feel I can say anything cos who'd take it seriously? Even my colleagues (all women) laughed it off initially till they noticed he made a beeline for me everytime and was acting really strange...

OP, please do make a complaint about this man as this type of behaviour is really bad, and who knows who he'll try it on with next time!!

AverageMan · 03/04/2019 10:57

Actually, they were a bit more touchy feely in the old days. You watch the Carry On movies and the sitcoms from the seventies, the hands were all over women.

becauseimbatman · 03/04/2019 11:02

It's a very bleak world indeed if your model for acceptable behaviour is Sid fucking James

spanishwife · 03/04/2019 11:04

Oh @VivaFrida i totally get your frustration. Then you get people on here saying "wow never happened to me" "this isn't a problem"...

Also a big F off to the women saying "i would have done this" "I would have said this" - well, you weren't there, and you didn't.
I would like to this most of us surround ourselves with lovely men day to day, so when someone acts disgusting and creepy and crosses boundaries, it's a big shock and you you just go blank floundering for ideas of things to say and do.

In the past when i've been harrased in public, I've made a big fuss, shouted etc (on public transport) and I've been told to sit down and be quiet, had eyes rolled at me (by others and the staff). Now I know to just quietly move and complain later.

LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2019 11:05

Actually, they were a bit more touchy feely in the old days. You watch the Carry On movies and the sitcoms from the seventies, the hands were all over women.

Indeed and you look at the reaction of these women who were being touched. They didn’t like it.
If you don’t understand that, then I feel very sorry for any women in your life.

spanishwife · 03/04/2019 11:05

*I would like to think

Brienneoftarthiloveyou · 03/04/2019 11:05

That just means those shows were made by pervs trying to normalise their horrible behaviour, not that the average person was more touchy deeply. Yuck!

Original poster
getoffmyhandyousleazebag · 03/04/2019 11:21

FFS averageman If you look at the Carry On films, Barbara Windsor also had her tits out in public on a campsite - it’s not a reflection of real life!

OP posts:
Henrysmycat · 03/04/2019 11:22

Well, I’ll try to give the alternative hardcore option to such an incident, OP.

But when one man used as an excuse me giving him money, to hold my hand and tell me what fun we could have (he signaled licking my vulva by sticking his tongue between the finger V sign), I punched him hard in the face with my other hand. I was into boxercise at the time so I was strong. When it’s fight or flight, I’d kick off straight away without even thinking it.
He dropped on the floor and I was that close to kicking his head but I didn’t. People didn’t see the previous interaction, only him screaming on a floor with a fast swelling nose. Police was involved and I got a caution. So, I came out worst. Seems nothing changed in 20 years.

spanishwife · 03/04/2019 11:46

@Henrysmycat the story I put above is the lesser extreme. Making a fuss, having a strong reaction only ends up worse for the woman.

To highlight the op 'women shouldn't have to put up with this'

Henrysmycat · 03/04/2019 12:36

Absolutely agree with you SpanishWife, I’m just saying that the OP shouldn’t feel bad about her reaction. Of course, we should be reacting and not let them get away with it.

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