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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mortified at how my mum behaved

185 replies

tbear2O19 · 02/04/2019 15:30

Mum takes me shopping once a month as currently I can't drive.
So not to drip feed, yes I do use online deliveries and sometimes swing by the supermarket myself but with 3 young ones it can be handy and luxurious to go alone!

Anyway we went to the self service check out that has the big conveyer belt thing. One item needed assistance, then she started packing. Putting her bags down on the weight bit (where you put your shopping after it's scanned, these bags hadn't been scanned)

So by the time the assistant has cleared the item, we need further help as the bags have made it require help iyswim. I said to my mum "you're going to need to unpack all that as it doesn't recognise the bags" she simply said "oh well fucking forget it. What the fuck what a fucking waste of time"
And.... left Blush

I have no money to pay for her items, I did offer to put the items back but the assistant said no it's ok. I am mortified, I'm still red!! And to make it worse she just drove home, didn't even wait for me.
So had to walk home with 6 bags of shopping.

I'm just mortified!

OP posts:
Itssosunny · 03/04/2019 19:40

Did you tell her off that other people could hear? Just asking as it could have humiliated her although her behaviour after that was selfish to leave you alone.

Original poster
tbear2O19 · 03/04/2019 19:46

No I didn't say anything about the language. I wouldn't.
What comes out of her mouth is her own reactions, she's a grown woman I'm not gonna tell her off for swearing.
I did shout after her, I'm sure anybody would when their mum has just walked off? I said something like "mum, mum MUMMM, what you doing" but she carried on didn't look back.

I haven't text her since but a few pps were having a go for me not checking up on her. FWIW I think she's just an asshole 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ don't flame me for saying that lol.

It does go along with previous behaviour of how she's treated me but I genuinely can't understand walking off and leaving shopping when she said she needed it Confused

OP posts:
Jakesmumandbump · 03/04/2019 19:48

You stated in your OP that she hasn’t behaved immaturely before now and then later you have outlined other occasions on which she’s behaved immaturely/selfishly. Therefore this doesn’t sound like out of the ordinary behaviour.

Original poster
tbear2O19 · 03/04/2019 19:50

I don't remember saying she hasn't behaved immaturely. Infact I called her immature on the first page!
I was posting in a hurry/dealing with kids/putting shopping away so I'm sorry if I sound like I've crossed wires!

She has form for being shitty but never to this extent is what I would have meant

OP posts:
Jakesmumandbump · 03/04/2019 20:13

Sorry OP but the behaviours you’ve described in you OP and further on in the thread give the impression of someone when behaves quite selfishly and immaturely. I feel bad for you, it must be hard but I think you’ll have to learn to accept this is how she is and I doubt she’ll change.

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/04/2019 20:32

She does have form for being shitty. But her behaviour to you when you were undergoing a d&c was far FAR worse than effing and blinding in the supermarket. How on earth have you forgiven or at least decided to overlook that?! I know I couldn't.

I'd leave her to it to be honest. Why be in a rush to get in touch again? What's in it for you? If she wants to see you, she knows where you are.

shesgrownhorns · 03/04/2019 20:46

I'm guessing she's never been a great mum OP? I'm sure you've got the measure of her by now. Perhaps take this opportunity to change the dynamic of the relationship. You're giving her all the power, it's time to take your share of it back x

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2019 20:48

I’d leave her to it too. The op doesn’t sound in the least selfish or judgey.
Unreasonable behaviour like this can be a sign of early onset dementia.

However she could be just a dick.
Pretty sure she’s just a dick.

CheshireChat · 03/04/2019 21:18

Well, it's a sign of dementia when it's a change from the person's usual behaviour. Doesn't sound like it is though.

Ferret27 · 04/04/2019 02:13

I think some people just aren’t cut out to be parents, face it ...look at the state of the country.... easy for most to get pregnant but doesn’t mean they should... I work with lots of people a bit like this.... maybe it has more to do with their up bringing or maybe they simply aren’t capable of pretending to be interested in those around them.... it’s not necessarily an age thing ..or mental health ... just about being a nicer person or not... but ask her why she walked off and ask her if she realises how it made you feel...

jameswong · 04/04/2019 03:06

You're drip feeding like crazy.

That aside, you're mum shouldn't have walked off like that, I agree.

However, it's clear to almost everyone else reading this the woman has (potentially serious) MH issues. Whether you want to act on that is another matter.

jameswong · 04/04/2019 03:09

I'm not saying you should/are obliged too btw.

W0rriedMum · 04/04/2019 03:42

Your mum has royally messed up what sounded like a mutually enjoyable arrangement. That said your subsequent posts shows her to have form in being spectacularly selfish so I guess it's not a bit surprise. I'd leave her a few days now before trying to get in touch. But I'd never rely on her for anything.

Catsinthecupboard · 04/04/2019 03:47

OP. I am very sorry about what happened. That was cruel and rude. Don't be embarrassed. Nobody judged you.

I don't excuse her. Especially leaving you to walk home!

However. As a close to senior. (Certainly old enough to be your mother),those self check outs make me CRAZY.

I realize that people use them everyday quite happily, but they confound me. The bags weighing things, not knowing when i can move things, items falling out of bags,
on and on. The only way to learn is by doing but i get so frustrated.

Thankfully, my dc are patient and I've gotten better. Confused

It's no excuse for her to treat you badly, but i have very few things in my day to day life that makes me feel more stupid or frustrated than self-checkout.

Maybe she's just old and frustrated at herself? It happens. The modern world is fast and people (not you) are impatient. It's frightening to some of us and I've been at cutting edge technology for most of my adult life.

Flowers
Jasmineallenestate · 04/04/2019 04:00

I don't want to be mean but why don't you just learn to drive or use an Uber? Why depend on someone you don't like very much?
People usually go shopping with their mums because it's time together, not because the mum is a taxi as if you are still a teenager. That said, mum relationships are so complex, if you have been hurt then that isnt nice. But protect yourself by having control over your life!

Tixywixy · 04/04/2019 05:00

close to senior at 56. For goodness sake that's not old!

Self service tills are confounding to everyone but I guess you get used to it after a while.

But menopause, depression, stress etc are no excuse for shitty behaviour (and I've had all three). It's bad enough that she stormed off but to leave you to walk home with six bags of shopping is unforgivable.

Your other stories about her suggest she is selfish and unkind. I'm sure she doesn't behave like that with her friends or when she was at work. She's just taking her bad temper out on you because she thinks she can. Don't let her OP. Put your energies into people who are kind to you.

Seahorseshoe · 04/04/2019 05:14

Yanbu OP. That was a horrible thing for her to do.

AlexaAmbidextra · 04/04/2019 05:58

I've never heard my mum say duck - ever !

Have you ever heard her say fuck though?

Original poster
tbear2O19 · 04/04/2019 06:27

"Learn to drive" 🙄 yeah with what money? I don't currently work.
Uber doesn't exist here.
I've already said it's not vital I go shopping with her but do it because we go out before shopping and then she comes to mine to see my children afterwards.
Its Not just the shopping.

If she had texted me that morning saying do you know what I cba/no money/no petrol I would not of had a go, been stroppy or demanded it happen as like I said I do usually do deliveries online or just go myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
tbear2O19 · 04/04/2019 06:28

And we use that checkout every time we go shopping so it's not as if she didn't know

OP posts:
TheTitOfTheIceberg · 04/04/2019 06:28

I don't want to be mean but why don't you just learn to drive or use an Uber?

If the OP can’t afford to pay for an extra basket of shopping, it’s unlikely she’s got spare cash sitting around for driving lessons or taxis.

And FYI, every time someone says “I don’t want to be X but...” everything after the “but” is X.

OP, from what you’ve described your mother sounds toxic. And I say that as someone who genuinely has been signed off with stress in the past. Even on my worst days I wouldn’t have behaved like that towards the people I’m supposed to love.

I agree with PPs who say leave her to it now. At some point I suspect you’ll have a choice - to fall back into line with her expectations, or to stand up to her selfishness and control. The latter will not be easy, but might be better for your self-esteem - and for your kids - in the long run. Flowers

ChoccyBiccyTastic · 04/04/2019 06:43

I'd just leave it tbh. You've tried to contact her. You've done all you can do. Sounds likes she's one of those "all about me" types, so I suspect she'll come to you when she needs some more attention. She'll be enjoying the thought of you worrying about her and making you apologise for... I'm sure she'll think of something.

whyamievenamazeddotcom · 04/04/2019 08:09

I’m sorry this happened to you Im suspecting she might be having a bit of a nervous breakdown but the history of behaviour suggests not I have a similar relationship with my mum she often humiliates me when I take her shopping e.g. shouting aggressively at me that I was a bitch for picking up last pack of buns I think was I was shaking for hours afterward and it makes me very guarded when I see her I always cry after doing so and then feel confused about my feelings toward her - so IMO you should ask her why she did what she did (calm down first or you’ll be emotional) if she is going through something you can help her get through it and if she isn’t and just behaves like this for sport reduce your visits and gain some you time back - but believe me the guilt does not go away as I feel guilty for not seeing my mum but when I do I always remember why I don’t - I hope that helps and I’m sorry you are going through this as what happened was inconsiderate rude and unkind xx

browneyes77 · 04/04/2019 08:20

You're drip feeding like crazy.

No, OP explained a situation that happened and then is answering everyone’s questions about it.

However, it's clear to almost everyone else reading this the woman has (potentially serious) MH issues. Whether you want to act on that is another matter.

Sorry what? Are you medically qualified to make that diagnosis? It isn’t clear that her DM has MH issues at all. Why on MN does shitty behaviour from people always have to revolve around MH? Some people are just arseholes you know? In fact many people have suggested the menopause. That isn’t a MH issue. It’s a natural process of the body.

Frankly, her DM to me just comes across as selfish and self absorbed and lacking in emotional intelligence. (Because for a start, someone with emotional intelligence wouldn’t tell their daughter that she shouldn’t have had kids because they’d know that was hurtful).

OP - I think you’ve tried to contact her enough now. Leaver her to it for a bit.

Itssosunny · 04/04/2019 08:58

Have some pride and don't take her shopping anymore.