To be mortified at how my mum behaved

[tbear2O19]

Mum takes me shopping once a month as currently I can't drive.
So not to drip feed, yes I do use online deliveries and sometimes swing by the supermarket myself but with 3 young ones it can be handy and luxurious to go alone!

Anyway we went to the self service check out that has the big conveyer belt thing. One item needed assistance, then she started packing. Putting her bags down on the weight bit (where you put your shopping after it's scanned, these bags hadn't been scanned)

So by the time the assistant has cleared the item, we need further help as the bags have made it require help iyswim. I said to my mum "you're going to need to unpack all that as it doesn't recognise the bags" she simply said "oh well fucking forget it. What the fuck what a fucking waste of time"
And.... left

I have no money to pay for her items, I did offer to put the items back but the assistant said no it's ok. I am mortified, I'm still red!! And to make it worse she just drove home, didn't even wait for me.
So had to walk home with 6 bags of shopping.

I'm just mortified!

[TheGrey1houndSpeaks]

Ah, I’ve heard dementia can lead to a lowering of inhibitions

[WendyWoofer]

I would be more concerned if my mum said the F word (I have never heard my mum say the F word, or any of my friends mums) than her leaving me to carry 6 bags of shopping.

Your mum considers it "normal" to use strong language in public?? Gobsmacked! How old is she?

[rachelfrost]

No chance she’d been shoplifting (for kicks not need)?

[tbear2O19]

She's 56.
I did text just now to say hope you got home ok. Didn't know what else to say! Or if there was anything else I could have said.

[tbear2O19]

Oops posted too soon, she is the type to stew until I apologise. Otherwise she won't be in contact until this time next month. ( was forced to apologise for asking her to have the children while I had d&c. She kept saying it was unfair to ask her and put that pressure on her when I knew she was going for a drink )

[pouraglasshalffull]

It sounds incredible bizarre and I would be incredibly angry if my mum did that to me, however, once I've expressed my anger, I'd sit down and ask what on Earth caused that reaction. It seems like the straw that broke the camels back - something before she met you must've happened to her if she's never reacted like that before

[miaCara]

I hate self service tills and have had a similar reaction myself. Just walked off and left the whole damned lot with the machine beeping away to itself. But that was in the early days of them being in shops when assistants didnt really keep a proper eye on things so a simple mistake meant a long wait (Im looking at you Asda).
But when I had a reaction like this it was when I was already quite stressed by something else.
You say quite cleary that she isnt stressed - has nothing to be stressed about and that she tells you she fools the doctor into giving her pills.
I could tell you the same thing. I have well hidden depression and anxiety. Its all going on inside and no-one in my family has a clue. I would say I was feeling lazy to get out of doing anything that made me feel worse. I would pretend that I hated my job and reduce the amount of days I worked (but spend the days at home feeling terrible). Even seeing family members can be stressful so I cut that down to the most I could cope with.
I never discuss my feelings with any family member and I look capable and sound upbeat. But they dont see me when im alone.

Just be sure OP that your Mum isnt really going through something you were unaware of before you write her off.

[Fridasrage]

MH team leap into action with excuses for the behaviour? People can just be complete and utter arseholes; no diagnosis needed; just nasty bad tempered people.

Because when you’re on a public forum and especially when the event is fresh as a responder you need to bear in mind that you’re only hearing one side of the story, and think whether there might be something missing from the narrative.

We could all sit here and say “what a bitch, never speak to her again”. But if it is the case that the stress she’s been signed off with (that the OP mentioned) is real, and this woman is struggling, then it’s worth pointing that out so that maybe OP can find out more and further damage isn’t done to the relationship

[pouraglasshalffull]

Or, if you don't have particularly strong feelings towards your mum- leave it, let the dust settle for a few weeks and wait for her to contact you? If you have no burning desire to see her I wouldn't be in a rush to fix it

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

OP's mum storms off swearing and leaves OP to carry 6 bags of shopping home, then completely blanks her. OP has a relatively mild vent on an anonymous forum. Yet for some people, OP is the unreasonable one.

I'd leave her to it, OP. Regardless of whether she's stressed, she's behaved shockingly and continues to do so. Incidentally, I've suffered from severe stress/depression the past myself, as has the OP from the sound of it. It's not a free pass to behave like a total dick towards loved ones.

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

I might be saying something different if it really was a one off, but it doesn't sound like it was.

[slipperywhensparticus]

I would refuse to apologise this time what she did when you had surgery was unforgivable this is just stupid behaviour she needs to understand you are not her emotional punching bag

[ThatssomebadhatHarry]

Unreasonable behaviour like this can be a sign of early onset dementia.

However she could be just a dick.

[DozyGrumpyDad]

After reading about you having a d&C my DW had 1 five years ago and she was poleaxed after it and there were complications as well.
So on the basis of seeing what my DW went through and your mother complained about going for cocktails I would just let her do her own thing from now on. It's not the first time she has been out of order.

[QueenBeex]

Regardless of the situation or how you both acted, I do think you've sent enough texts and have tried to talk to her enough today tbh, you've tried to contact her, you've offered her food, you've hoped she got home ok etc. I'd leave it at that. When she has got over it she'll text or ring back, untill then I'd leave her to it.

[Elllicam]

I agree with Jesusinthecabbagevan, I would also leave her to it. She may be stressed but also sounds like a total self centred cow bag.

[ohfourfoxache]

Even if she does have depression and anxiety (which, fwiw, I have) it’s no excuse for being a cunt.

Don’t apologise, let her stew.

[WoollyMummoth]

I don’t care how stressed I was, and I’ve suffered in the past, I could not leave my daughter in such an awkward position . What she did was shitty. And from the ops description her attitude to her daughter and grandkids, who she can only fit in to her busy(!) life once a month, is shitty too.
Stop trying to contact her op she should be apologising to you. And the onset of dementia my arse. She’s just a cow.

[TanselleTooTall]

God, for those saying "ring your mum/support your mum/she's your MUM", you've missed the details where OPs mother refuses to support her daughter..? Even after sedation and after a D&C?
OP mentions they have an odd relationship so I bet her mother has been emotionally redundant and distant all through OPs life.
OP doesn't sound up her bottom as a poster put it. She actually sounds upbeat and positive considering the hurtful comments and behaviour from her mother, of which we only know a little but even that little tidbit of info does not not put her mother in a good light at all.
I don't know why OP is getting some disparaging comments here.

[SurgeHopper]

Yeah my ma has started saying fuck a lot.
Mind is boggled tbh

[MortyVicar]

The DM doesn't sound like a nice person at all, and while this particular behaviour might be a first she hasn't suddenly changed from being a saint to being the devil. She has form.

OP I'd like to challenge something you said earlier. You said that usually your relationship with your mum is fine. I think you're conditioned to accept that that's how she is and to adapt yourself, don't ask for things, don't upset her. And that's not fine.

If you want her approval and/or support she's made it clear you're not going to get it. This time, please don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. And try to stop yourself giving her opportunities to put you down. if that means not seeing her, going LC/NC, then so be it. Because every time you go to have your hair done with her, or out for coffee and cake and have a catch up, what she gets from that is that the way she treats you is OK. Don't give her that message again.

[SurgeHopper]

Unreasonable behaviour like this can be a sign of early onset dementia.
^
Maybe.

[Nairobe]

Given all your updates she sounds like an uncompassionate, selfish arsehole. Why bother? It seems like you just tread on eggshells and get let down.

[Cocobean30]

Stop pandering to her she sounds awful

[Willowtreecottage]

I have to say you sound immeasurably good natured. Especially now l’ve read more of your updates.
I had a mother a bit like yours...she only really only mellowed in her 70’s.
I hope you get an answer for her behaviour ~ or you might keep yourself safer if you go NC
Good luck