To be mortified at how my mum behaved

[tbear2O19]

Mum takes me shopping once a month as currently I can't drive.
So not to drip feed, yes I do use online deliveries and sometimes swing by the supermarket myself but with 3 young ones it can be handy and luxurious to go alone!

Anyway we went to the self service check out that has the big conveyer belt thing. One item needed assistance, then she started packing. Putting her bags down on the weight bit (where you put your shopping after it's scanned, these bags hadn't been scanned)

So by the time the assistant has cleared the item, we need further help as the bags have made it require help iyswim. I said to my mum "you're going to need to unpack all that as it doesn't recognise the bags" she simply said "oh well fucking forget it. What the fuck what a fucking waste of time"
And.... left

I have no money to pay for her items, I did offer to put the items back but the assistant said no it's ok. I am mortified, I'm still red!! And to make it worse she just drove home, didn't even wait for me.
So had to walk home with 6 bags of shopping.

I'm just mortified!

[AnnieMay100]

Sounds like she might have had bad news she doesn’t want you to know about or she doesn’t enjoy your monthly get together and is running out of patience. I say this as having a mum like yours and has also said similar nasty things to me. She sees my children once a month too but ignores them while doting on my nieces that she sees twice a week.
If you genuinely believe she’s attention seeking etc then leave her to it to calm down. Perhaps a simple text ‘hope you’re ok’ if you’re concerned it’s something important otherwise let her come to you and explain/apologise. Then look into online shopping from now on or if it’s not too expensive get a taxi home.

[flameycakes]

Plus I've been in places where I've felt everything closing in and have just had to escape, it's a bloody awful way to feel and totally nonsensical

[DIZZYTIGGER87]

I have to be honest, you don't sound good for each other.

As someone who has been signed off for stress in the past, people who were in other circles from work didn't always know (SIL and her family) that there was anything wrong...if she is struggling with stress, storming off like she did makes a bit more sense.

Yes she was wrong for leaving you, bit did she perhaps think you were going to harangue her for her actions rather than either listening to what was wrong or letting it go?

I'm sorry she doesn't support you, but it doesn't sound like you support her either.

[Livingoncake]

Can anyone do me a “For Dummies” version of what went wrong at the checkout? I’ve read the OP four times now and I’m still not getting it.

OP, with respect, it’s not up to you to decide whether or not your mum is suffering from stress, especially when you use such simplistic criteria as “she has nothing to be stressed about so she can’t be.” Mental illness doesn’t work that way. If she’s been signed off with stress, then her doctor had reason to believe she was stressed.

That said, her behaviour was unacceptable. You’ve tried getting in touch, maybe leave it for now and see if she contacts you when she’s calmed down. I’d want to know what she was thinking of to leave you like that, and I think I’d hold off on any future shopping trips for the moment.

[flameycakes]

Ps I know what it's like to have a bad relationship with my mother, the last straw was when she called my kids tainted because they have autism, not spoken to her in 3 years, sorry if I've come across as mean to you x

[SemperIdem]

Her behaviour was really odd. An overreaction to say the least.

[Springwalk]

If she was out of character I would be very worried about her actually. I would be thinking her mental health has plummeted that she can't cope with a shopping trip or that she has some kind of dementia.

Why did she lose her job?

Did she expect you to pay for the shopping?

No one behaves like that.

If she has form for this, then low to no contact is the only way to go. You can not possibly be humiliated and spoken to like that and then she leaves you to struggle home with your bags. What kind of parent does that?!

Rule out a clinical reason first, and then stop the monthly visits. You don't need to be spoken to like that by your own mother.

[NorthEndGal]

Coming at this from a different angle, she could be me. I haven't done that specific thing, but have had moments like it, and very much recognize it.

I have pretty severe ptsd, and trauma , and I have flashes of frustration that hit out of no where, where I can go from fine to rage in 2 seconds flat (and technology struggles can make it worse). I've never thrown a phone, but can totally understand how someone gets to that point.

To be clear, I'm not saying the behaviour is ok, acceptable or warranted , but I know how hard it can be, to not have full control of your emotions.

Maybe give her time to cool down, and ask if she is ok

[Widowodiw]

Ffs she’s you’re mum give her a call and ask her what was that all about? Maybe she needs your support with something, maybe she doesn’t andcwas just being an arse- who knows. But I don’t think it warrants posters saying don’t call her, don’t ever go out without her again.
I had a rage at the tip as the worker their was in the wrong . I raged not about the situation but because my husband had just passed away so I’m afraid she got the brunt of it- and she was wrong. But you know what my children who were there supported me and shook their heads in disbelief then pissed themselves laughing at the silliness of it all.

[Nat6999]

I can kind of understand this from your mum's point of view. When you are suffering from anxiety, stress or depression, it doesn't take much to cause you to snap, the tiniest thing that to most people looks like nothing can be enormous to someone who is suffering. Add to that the bright lights, the bleeping of the tills, a crowded shop, when you are stressed out & all your emotions are at the top of their limits, it doesn't take much to snap. The walking out of the shop is part of the reaction, sometimes you just want to run & escape to your safe place, you can't explain it, you just need to get away. The best thing would be to ask her if she is ok, stress & anxiety are very isolating, you don't want to ask for help, you stay away from everyone, you get more anxious. It's a vicious circle.

[tbear2O19]

I've tried to phone her again but she's just ignoring it.
I'm not going to shout at her, she's not 5. I'm just embarrassed by the situation. The fact of being left, knowing I can't pay for her shopping, even if I could I'd have struggled with a 2 extra bags.

I've never shouted at my mum before, so she wouldn't be expecting a bashing I'm sure. Despite how I'm coming across in this thread, I actually have a lot of patience and kindness toward my mum, despite not receiving it back.
When she walked off all I said was "mum, mum, MUM, what you doing"

Yes I know I shouldn't rely on her for shopping, most of the time I do online or trudge myself there. But it's become a wee routine that we usually get our hair done (by that I mean a cut, even just a wash! she likes to get her coloured though) or if we don't do that (didn't today) we go for coffee and cake and spend a good 2 hours catching up then go shopping. Then she comes to mind where I usually make her food, and she spends some time with the kids.
Its Not just shopping but I suppose I could just cut that out. If she wants a catch up then coffee and cake, nothing further incase it puts her out. Bit sad though, I only see her once a month as it is. I feel like nothing towards my mum as it. As if I'm shit on her shoe, that's somehow fucked up having kids yet she still raves about her gorgeous babies on fb

[Thegoodthere]

You didn't need to unpack the bags. Just wave an assistant over and they'll clear it. You think they give a fuck?

Also, your mum is mental and I'd go NC.

[Thegoodthere]

Of course you're patient and kind to her. That's why she feels she can carry on treating you like shit. Read the Stately Homes thread.

[tbear2O19]

If she does have depression or anxiety then surely I'd be the best person to speak to, considering I've had no choice but to over come these things (wasn't going to get sympathy from her.)
Or maybe she thinks I'd react the same as she has done towards me. When I had a d&c in January, I was a quivering wreck (me and surgery don't go hand in hand) but she told me to get over it because it's just tissue now then left the hospital as she was going for a cocktail, knowing full well I needed childcare. (DPs auntie stepped in, but it meant her having to miss a day of work)
I'm having a rant now!!
Our relationship can be strained at times but we usually get on fine, our once a month chats and outings keep me sane!!

[tbear2O19]

What I mean by strained is, if we had to see each other once a week I think she'd tire of that pretty quickly but because it's only once a month it means we have heaps to talk about, is quite relaxed, No pressure type thing

[tbear2O19]

Flameycakes, I felt a bit attacked but it's okay. No lasting harm done.

I've probably not come across well as I'm still smarting from the whole incident
.
I truly don't believe she is stressed, not physically or mentally but if it turned out I'm wrong I'd hold my hands up to that. But we genuinely talk about everything so I can't imagine her not mentioning anything. Plus she's just had a long weekend with my brother whose also not said anything to me but I do appreciate it could be something she just doesn't want to tell me

[AriadnePersephoneCloud]

It does sound mortifying, hopefully your mum's refusal to answer the phone means she's embarrassed too!

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

She doesn’t sound a very pleasant woman at all. That would be the end of the shopping trips if it were me on the receiving end.

[Greenlegobox]

I wouldn't care about the embarrassment but I would be livid at her driving off without me.

[GabsAlot]

whatever was going on driving off and leaving you wa sout of order

if something had happened all she had to say was im sorry i cant cope and wait in the car for you

[missymayhemsmum]

Well you know her best, but I'd lay odds on menopausal techno-rage as the explanation.
Surely those self-scan checkouts make any reasonable woman want to torch the supermarket?

[flameycakes]

If you are only with her once a month she maybe hiding things from you, I hated the thought of my sons knowing how bad I was feeling, though the feeling escaped at times and I ended up having to tell them. Sometimes I'd hold onto things so tight that I was like a pressure cooker just waiting to blow, it's hard to explain in just words on here, sending lots of love to you x

[Duckswaddle]

I have a similar relationship with my mom, I get how you feel.
If she’s anything like mine, she’ll ignore you for a few days and then text like nothing ever happened.

[Cryalot2]

Gosh ! My mum has started using the f word since she took a type of dementia .
you must be annoyed. Her language as well as driving off leaving you.
She owes you both an apology and an explanation.

[Bookworm4]

Why on MN if anyone does anything out of character the MH team leap into action with excuses for the behaviour? People can just be complete and utter arseholes; no diagnosis needed; just nasty bad tempered people.
OP; leave her be, she's a selfish woman with no thought for you or your kids, you clearly manage all month without her.