To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

[Gradiva]

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed . Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

Understand your frustration. Problem is will you feel a million times worse if he does forget?! Personally I'd see if he did forget though. You never know he may surprise you.

But you WILL be upset won’t you? It’s your birthday.

Tell him, or you will just spend your birthday feeling crap about it. It's passive agressive to set him up to fail and neither of you gain. Be specific about how you'd like to spend the day - if he is just not good at this stuff then specify that you want to go out to x place for dinner and you'd like y as a gift. It would be nice if he was thoughtful and romantic and prepared but it doesn't sound like he is!

Do what Patchworksack says. Why risk having a horrid day?

I am quite prepared for him to forget as I suspect he does most years... perhaps if I think about it “forgetting” is not the word or real problem because also at Christmas I get hastily bought Christmas Eve shopping presents. He claims just to hate all that “stuff” but I think I will resent never feeling “special” and I guess I’m hoping this might train him? Who knows! I’m also training toddlers (trying to) and it just had me thinking about how we show what behaviour is good or acceptable. I am committing to not telling him now. It will be a game for me . I know he currently has forgotten as I mentioned dinner out on Friday and “needing a date night for us” (wanky term but you know what I mean) and he said “oh are you sure you’ll want to? [i have been ill] Shall we just do it next week when we are less stressed and feeling better?”.
It will be a real test of my resolve not mentioning it. Hope his parents don’t remind him but even that will be a lesson. The point is I am not going to!

I could have written this post myself! I purposely didn't mention mothers day this year (although adverts on tv did it for me 🙄) he got me a card but didn't give it to me until lunchtime so i think he bought the card a while ago and then forgot. If i were you I wouldn't remind him, yes you will be disappointed if he doesn't remember but you are prepared for that already. If he does forget make it very clear how upset you are and hopefully he won't forget again

Just seen the other replies! I think the verdict may be that I am being unreasonable and tricking him...i am not massively sentimental but I realise I protect him from disappointing me every year. Perhaps if he f@?ks up this year he won’t next year?!

I think don't remind him. I have a similar husband. It's disappointing. It will be interesting for you but don't expect anything to change.

I hear you OP. I have to spoon feed every year saying what I would like for a present and what I’d like to do. Let him forget, show him how disappointed you are. It might be what he needs to never forget again. That said, it will probably be a shit day.

If I was being really immature and passive aggressive I would ‘forget’ his birthday and see how he likes it but I’m not like that.

Presents coming after the event are shit. Promises of x etc. It shows no effort or plannng or care. He should care.

I think if you want to do something like this you need to have set it up earlier, and told him, it’s my birthday in 4 weeks, I’m not going to remind you like I normally do, I want you to take responsibility and remember yourself. So maybe do that next year, and remind him this time so you have a nice birthday.

Unless he is generally a shit, in which case start making arrangements to not still be with him this time next year...

If you are going to do this please try and arrange something nice to do for yourself that day (even if that might be hard with toddlers!)

I would worry that it would backfire and that unless you unleash absolute fury on him for forgetting he would see it as a greenlight that you aren't that bothered if he forgets in the future.

Dont remind him but arrange your own thing. Buy yourself something nice and arrange to go out and meet some friends for a drink.
Just because he wont remember doesnt mean you can't celebrate.

I wouldn’t remind him either in your situation, he really shouldn’t need reminding he is a grown adult not a selfish teenager. I wouldn’t remind him and if he does forget point out everything you do for him and how hurt you are . Got my fingers crossed for you thou

X-post with Just like!
Well in case anyone is interested I will post birthday-related updates for other women with forgetful partners.
It is so nice to be able to write things like this on the internet and have strangers reply. Imagine all the women before us over the centuries, with the same old problems and no one to contact instantly.
Bless you all. I’m off to bed as I’m generally asleep by 10 because my children wake up at 6 (and that is an excellent improvement as it has been 5am for at least 6months but the clock change on Sunday worked in our favour)....but that is a problem for another post. (As is the fact I am the one who always gets up with them...)

Any man who forgets your Birthday doesn't deserve you.
It doesn't have to be a huge surprise party, all romance and flowers, it's the thought that counts.
So YABU to expect him to be something he isn't, if you are doing this.
YANBU to expect him to remember your Birthday.

Look up the languages of love and do the questionnaire. Maybe see if he will do it too. It might help you have a productive conversation about how to show each other you love them in the language that they understand rather than the one that they prefer iyswim

What do you have to gain by not reminding him? You will feel rubbish on the day and then when exactly do you plan on reminding him? When you finally reveal its your birthday what do you expect him to say? Life is not a movie, you can’t expect him to turn around and say ‘Oh goodness I’m sorry dear, what a good lesson you’ve taught me by not reminding me! I’m so sorry, I’ll never forget again and I’m going to change my ways and ensure I make big romantic gestures and a fuss in future.’ Clearly he is not somebody for whom birthdays and hallmark celebrations mean much to and you can’t chane that about him. When you tell him it’s most likely that he will feel (tricked by you and like you’ve deliberately caught him out and likelihood is you will spend your birthday arguing with both of you feeling pissed off by the other.

Just accept it’s not in your husbands personality to be good with remembering dates and organising these things and tell him it’s your birthday on Friday now so he still has time to organise something and you can have a nice day. It’s better than trying to play silly games which will probably backfire and leave you both miserable.

I agree with Patchworksack
Setting him up to fail will just create a bad atmosphere and make for a miserable day for both of you. OH is forgetful and actually asks me to remind him. He just isn't good at birthdays.

I'm with a pp you should have mentioned weeks/months ago that you won't be reminding him and he would be wise to put a reminder on his phone for nearer the time.

I think it'll ruin the day for you more than you appreciate, tell him this time but make it the last

OP, I obviously don't know your relationship and whether there are other ways he makes you feel neglected, but I don't understand this at all - I wouldn't ever expect someone else to remember my birthday and arrange everything for me - it's up to me to plan my birthday celebrations. DH wouldn't get a chance to forget as I'd be talking about it several weeks before along the lines of, "I thought for my birthday it would be nice to have a romantic dinner/arrange some drinks with friends/stay in with a takeaway (delete as appropriate)". And then he might offer to organise part of it. Of course it's nice to be treated and surprised, but to not even mention my birthday and expect someone else to remember and organise everything, as a surprise? It would not even occur to me.

OP, I really hope you have a wonderful birthday but don't set yourself and him up for a fall otherwise you'll just spend the day feeling crap. Seriously - you'll never get this birthday again - plan something you really want to do!

I am terrible with dates..it took me years to remember my own anniversary. I think you should just say...hope you've not forgotten my birthday.. tomorrow to give him time to sort something out.

I agree with PP - don't remind him, but do plan something lovely for the day for yourself. That way you can still have a lovely day anyway. Personally I'm not sure my lovely thing would include him after that! Thing is, it's not a trap if he really does remember every year.

If you do decide to not remind him and he forgets, you need to hold your nerve until bedtime and then let him know how hurt and upset you are that he forgot. He needs to know you are not ok with it.

I would also scale back on his birthday - just a simple card and one token present. Don’t make a fuss.

i would definitely stay quiet. he may learn a lesson, you get the satisfaction of knowing youve always been right and you may get an extra large guilt present. win win.

I get the analogy with the toddlers. I’ve just taught my 4 year old about having to listen by following through with a consequence after I’ve given several warnings.

Maybe he needs a consequence after a warning? Next year give the 4 weeks prior chat and say “if you forget or I clearly get a last minute present then there’s no sex/no dinner/you’ve got to clean the bog/wear a “I’ve got a small penis” t shirt for a week “ consequence....