To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

[Gradiva]

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed . Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

It was never really about the birthday, was it? It was about him not meeting your needs with basic care and attention. Hope you can get somewhere with this.

Really sorry @Gradiva

Definitely not the birthday you'd hoped for.

Is marriage counselling an option given that you both have different feelings and views?

Really sad to read this Gravida. Had been foolishly hoping he was going to excel himself and shock you. Of course your original post was - rightly as it turns out - pessimistic. I hope you find some nice books that give you pleasure. Whether the future leads to mediation and counselling or going your separate ways, let this be the birthday that marks a change for the better in your life.

So sorry to read your thread 😢

Similarly, but not quite on the same level, I got nothing this Mother's Day from DH on behalf of DS because he left it too late and then couldn't even get me a card. It wasn't so much the fact he hadn't got me anything but more that he didn't seem to think it was a big deal and that I shouldn't be bothered about it (he clearly wasn't). I just felt unappreciated.

Hugs to you 💖

Gradiva

I am terribly bad at remembering op's names but i remember yours

I need to love myself a bit more openly before I can expect DH to catch on

I’m sorry about your shit birthday.

I don’t agree with this though. I don’t think you should have to show your DP how to love you, like a mother cat showing her kittens how to use the litter tray. He either gets it or he doesn’t.

It’s very hard to think of yourself as special when you’re with someone who clearly doesn’t.

I agree with the poster above. You shouldn't have to love yourself for others to love you. I hate that. It implies that people who struggle to love themselves are unlovable, which a) is not true and b) just makes them lkathe themselves even more by placing the blame for poor treatment from others on their shoulders.

I agree with Tatiana too. It's one of those things that people started saying. It's bollocks imo.

“If I have learned anything it is that playing games can end in tears and that I need to love myself a bit more openly before I can expect DH to catch on. “

Brave realisation OP, and it will serve you well. The thing is, a healthy relationship with someone who is on your side will help you love yourself.

A neglectful empty relationship ribs you of your self belief. The feeling unloved is not about presents or dates, it is about feeling unloved.

Good luck with sorting this out.

Tatiana and others: the thing is it takes self belief / self love to be assertive, know that you deserve love and show others what that means to you.

In abusuve relationships (I am not saying this relationship is abusive) the abuser chips away at the abused’s self esteem and makes them feel that they do not deserve love etc.

Gradive here has a chance to build up and assert her love and respect for herself.

Like I said, you shouldn’t have to show your partner how to love and respect you.

That would simply be one more thing that her partner should be doing, that she has to do for him, like remembering her birthday and buying her a decent present.

Gradiva I am so sorry yesterday did not go well.

"If I have learned anything it is that playing games can end in tears ..." But you were not playing games. You were just not telling him all the information he should have already known.

I.e. when your birthday is and what you like.

"...and that I need to love myself a bit more openly before I can expect DH to catch on."

Again, I've got to disagree! You do not need to love yourself to be loved. It definitely helps, but it is not essential.

Your dh chose you, he presumably moved in with you, maybe married you, had kids with you. He did this presumably because he loved you.

Assuming he is not abusive I would say relationship counselling.

You need to learn to love eavh other and express that love in ways the other person recognises.

Sounds like you do things for him and him not for you.

Maybe work, raising kids, keeping a home running etc has made life harder (for you both) and the relationship has wilted a bit.

I am angry on your behalf. However, I think there could be hope.

Maybe your dh needs to connect with the younger book-loving man he was! The man who wooed upu. Maybe through this he can re-reconnect with you.

If it is possible to hold out an olive branch, could you say, 'Let's pit this behind this. Let's pit a reminder on the diary for 2020. Let's work on this marriage together?

If he did this could you feel- together we can be better?

Can someone else look after the kids and you go book shopping together. You can love yourself. You are worth it. But that work does not need to be complete for your dh to realise that you are worthy of his love and he is a fool if he allows this to destroy your marriage.

If he is not worth this, and is abusive, I hope you will find a way out.

If he is worth stating for, I hope he can find a way to be truly present in the marriage. Maybe old photos and happy memories of happier times can make him willing to fight for you.

You are worth it

put not pit!!

Wise words ItalianGreyhound