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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

364 replies

Gradiva · 01/04/2019 22:05

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed Grin. Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

OP posts:
reallybadinterview · 02/04/2019 06:04

But op if you don't say anything or show that you're upset, then what's the point? How's it a lesson? Then he'll just think well, from now on I can do absolutely nothing.

And it sounds like he was pretty much doing nothing before anyway, giving you a gift the day after is still forgetting your birthday.

I wouldn't remind him, because he's not a child, but I would certainly tell him how upset I was.

My dh isn't very romantic either but he still manages gifts on time. He's very Sheldon Cooper about it - it's a social convention so I will follow it! And he generally gets good gifts, because even though he doesn't really care for gifts he knows it's important to me.

user1480880826 · 02/04/2019 06:25

I wouldn’t tell him. He clearly does forget every year so when he forgets this year because you haven’t told him I don’t think you’ll feel any worse than how you feel every other year knowing that he’s only bought you something because you’ve reminded him (and even then it sounds like it’s a rushed job on the way home from work).

It would be quite unkind of him to accuse you of setting a trap when he’s the one that’s actually fucked up. That would be an obvious deflection.

He sounds quite thoughtless and needs a wake up call.

Franklyyes · 02/04/2019 06:32

Don't compare your hubby with your friends hubbys ... some people are rubbish with dates and present buying. Just cios he doesn't do the big grand gestures doesn't mean he doesn't love you. My OH is rubbish too so I do remind him and let him know what I want - he prob spends more than if he'd gone shopping randomly grabbing things.
You shouldn't set him up to fail that's not fair - just acknowledge that this isn't something he's good at. Be nice.
Cups of tea - very rarely get one - is it a game changer ... no. Love the old bugger to bits x

AJPTaylor · 02/04/2019 06:42

Don't tell him. Just buy yourself something fabulous as a treat.

AuditAngel · 02/04/2019 06:51

You’d think my DHZ would remember my birthday, it is 6 months (to the day) before his. Yet one year he 3ven told me I was wrong about it being m6 birthday the month we were discussing it.

It was my birthday on Saturday. My present hasn’t arrived yet, but it is a very generous gift and DH wanted to check exactly which one I wanted before buying.

I didn’t get a Mother’s Day card (DS has just said “there was supposed to be one”) which was a bit frustrating, but as my birthday present was a very big one (for my 50th) I didn’t expect a gift. In fact, we were out for dinner Friday evening for both mine and my daughters birthdays, I had turned down a night with the school mums for the family dinner.

When I suggested I could go on to meet the mums and asked to add a bottle of wine to the restaurant bill and pay for it myself (dinner was his treat) he said he’d pay for it for Mother’s Day.

We didn’t get to celebrate on my birthday due to th3egirls having an event, but this year I didn’t hav3 to remind him. I think th3 kids are on to him now and remind him.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 02/04/2019 06:58

Would he forget a deadline at work?

C0untDucku1a · 02/04/2019 07:03

Of course not ohdeargod but thats actual men’s work. As so many women on here have shown us, we cannot expect a man to remember a birthday as that is women’s work.

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 07:05

It's utterly unreasonable of him to forget your birthday and other important occasions.
Too busy my arse. More like Inconsiderate and lazy. You shouldn't have to remind an adult about things like this.

Oysterbabe · 02/04/2019 07:13

I hope that you're wrong and he remembers Flowers

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2019 07:14

God just tell him, instead of this whole fantasy scenario where you're "training" him like he's a pet and not your husband.

lboogy · 02/04/2019 07:16

I don't understand adults making such a big deal out of birthdays. It's just another day. The world goes round. Why don't you organise something nice for yourself and forget about relying on him to make you feel special ?

FriedFoodFreud · 02/04/2019 07:16

I couldn’t be with someone so thoughtless, OP. The little things are what keep a relationship alive. It doesn’t have to be a materialistic big gesture, but to not bother to mark your birthday, that’s shit.

woolduvet · 02/04/2019 07:19

I have let my dh forget in our younger days.
I pointed out that I remember everything else and he has to do Mother's Day, my birthday and Christmas.
That's I want nothing from a petrol station and gifts are given in the morning (preferably after a lovely lie in)
If he couldn't manage that then he could sort all his family out (I liked buying for his side).
A massive improvement

onthenaughtystepagain · 02/04/2019 07:19

I don't understand adults making such a big deal out of birthdays. It's just another day

At last, a voice of reason! I can almost hear and feel the foot stamping in other posts! Such petulance!

OohYeBelter47 · 02/04/2019 07:23

I wouldn't do it, I did similar with my daughter, the result being that I was more disappointed than I bargained for and it changed nothing for future years. Just accept that is how he is and plan a nice day and evening out for you both, I have a lovely birthday every year now as I spoil myself and plan with/for partner ahead - I take ownership as it were.

eggsandwich · 02/04/2019 07:23

Who buys the cards and presents for his family is it you?

If so then stop and let him buy them himself that way it will hopefully make him remember not to just disappoint you but everyone else.

WatershedMoment · 02/04/2019 07:34

I always found the showy husbands at work, who sent bouquets to reception etc, were those most likely to be divorced a couple of years later.
You say you are training toddlers? Well you tell children exactly what behaviour you expect of them. You don't set traps for them or expect them to mind read. So do the same with your husband. Tell him in advance what sort of day you would like. Id like to do this type of thing, i like flowers, do a present shortlist, tell him how much youd expect to be spent on you. Its not nice of him to forget your birthday but you can salvage a good day out of this and teach him what you expect. Sorry to be sexist but some blokes just are hopeless at this type of thing. As long as hes thoughtful in other ways.

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 07:40

It's hardly petulant to expect your husband, someone who is supposed to love you, to remember your birthday! The op isn't asking for expensive presents - just to be remembered.

It's indicative of his whole attitude towards her. My ex husband would 'forget' important events ( funny how he remembered lots of other important dates they were important to him) and it was another way of demonstrating how low on his priorities I was. It contributed to my decision to divorce him.

Likethewind321 · 02/04/2019 07:42

I don’t think shaming him will make him more likely to make you feel special next time. More likely he will dig his heels in.
Why don’t you remind him, and ask for a gift that requires thought? “ darling it’s my birthday on Friday and I’d really like it if we went out to eat somewhere we’ve never been before. Will you book it?”
Train him in the behaviour you want.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/04/2019 07:50
Flowers

DH doesn’t forget my birthday; however, it’s the endless “what would you like?” That gets me...think for yourself man and get me a surprise! Otherwise, I may as well just buy it myself!

I never ask him what he would like and always think of something a bit different, concert tickets for example. It’s the lack of thought really for me. For mother’s day he said he was taking the DC into the village so clearly to get me something for mother’s day, which was lovely. I said oh there’s some lovely things in the gift shop and DS was with me the other day and knows the things I liked in there...got none of those things, got chocolate instead, which I never eat as am not a fan of chocolate! Gah!

redwoodmazza · 02/04/2019 07:51

Surely he can put important dates such as birthdays in his phone???

drspouse · 02/04/2019 07:58

Doesn't he own a diary or a phone?
Does he have a job where he has to remember things?
Are you less important than that?

Snog · 02/04/2019 08:04

Book a meal for Friday night at a nice restaurant and tell him today where you are going and why. That way he has time to get a card and present too.

Order a cake to take to the restaurant and a bunch of flowers to be delivered for yourself. Bloom and wild are a nice florist.

If he then forgets the card and present, tell him you will choose a present together at the weekend.

I would stop doing anything for his birthday though OP as he clearly doesn't value birthday stuff for himself.

RottnestFerry · 02/04/2019 08:10

I have never forgotten my wife's birthday. However, sometimes I haven't remembered until the morning of it. On one occasion we were on holiday in the middle of nowhere and I ended up carving her a birthday card out of a piece of driftwood. She still has it on display.

I can't abide silly mind games. Luckily, my wife has never shown any inclination to play them. My ex-wife was different. My advice to the OP is to remind him. If you know from past experience that he is likely to forget, and it bothers you when he does, remind him. There is no point in cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Enko · 02/04/2019 08:21

OP

Over 10 years ago now when our children were young my dh forgot my birthday. What made it worse was the fact that to begin with he felt I was overreacting for being hurt. I told him I didn't want to spend the evening with him and he could go to the pubquiz with his mates as I was not in a place where I could feel like being near him. His 2 best friends basically told him he was utterly unreasonable and they both shuddered at the idea of having forgotten their wives birthday.

He has never forgotten since. However he was always a bit crap with presents until this year where he has suddenly realised that being " a bit crap" actually meant our marriage was not all that high a priority for him and he has actively changed this.

I however have never forgotten he didnt feel my birthday was worth remembering and whilst I have moved on and accepted it. I have never been able to forgive him for not simply placing me ahead of what he saw as important at the time. (all i wanted was a happy birthday and a cup of tea made)

In my case I HAD reminded him too.

Just be aware if you will feel hurt.. I would remind him. The hurt is hard to bypass.