To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

[Gradiva]

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed . Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

And it was a balloon ride for 1 as I’m too cowardly... it was a random “what gift can I get him online that I can get away without presenting him with it now present”. That reminds me, it was last July and he still hasn’t been up in it.

Does he do anything for the DC when it is their birthday?

It is not a very good example for them, if he does not do anything for you

I’m sorry but setting him up to fail in that way sounds like quite hurtful behaviour. Why would you do that to someone you love? I get how tempting it is but I also suspect the entire episode would end up feeling a bit shitty for both of you. Surely there is a better way to communicate your frustration? Good luck.

I would be massively hurt if this were me (stemming from my mum invariably forgetting my birthday as a child and since).
If he forgets, I think I would throw my toys out of the pram and flounce, actually. Then maybe he might finally realise that this matters to you.

It's not "setting him up to fail." He's doing that all by himself by the sounds of it.

Hi OP, Happy Birthday for Friday

Totally agree, OhDear, how the hell is this the OP setting him up to fail? He's screwing up all by himself.

Does no one have a calendar in the kitchen with birthdays etc put on it? You can get big squared ones at the cheap shops. No excuse for forgetting anything if it's on the calendar...

I don’t understand PPs who seem to imply it’s reasonable for your DH to forget because some people are forgetful, and you should remind him. I think that’s ridiculous! I’m terrible with birthdays, but like most people I have a phone with a calendar to remind me. There is simply no excuse for forgetting!
Some people are not as good at buying cards/presents, fair enough, but OP has said that’s ok, she just wants him to remember, and that is definetely not too much to ask!

I wouldn’t tell him but organise something lovely just in case.

No he isn’t great with children’s birthdays either or their Christmas presents. (By isn’t great I mean gets nothing or only at absolute last minute - literally the last minutes before shops close). He is like that for anyone in his family - it falls to me... It is not an area in which he excels. It’s depressing really. I suppose I am in denial that he is thoughtless, but because I am scatty myself I feel I can’t really complain. But yes he is crap at that, and yes I am playing games - it probably is not a great or kind idea if I think about it...but I’ll probably it anyway however i will really force myself not to make a fuss if he forgets... I just feel it might help him learn. I do want him to feel guilty and hopefully change.
So that is us. He is crap at being thoughtful and I play silly games... gosh I can’t believe I am still awake and questioning my “fun” idea. I’ll let you know if I keep up the charade. Birthday is on Friday and neither of us on Facebook so he would never see reminders like that and for some reason my birthday is not in his work calendar (I know because he was meant to add it after last year when he was reminded by me).

Right, I really am off now.

Thanks for all the input. It means a lot and has me questioning my own childishness too

So OP is getting blamed for not telling him it's her birthday? That's "setting him up to fail"?

FFS, there've been loads of posts recently where 90% of posters were saying they don't send their MIL's mother's day cards because it's "his job". And half the threads on here are about men not playing their part in family life. Yet so many think the OP's the villain in this one?

I would never think or want to remind a partner it was my birthday. Where's the pleasure on anything they do for it, if you've had to tell them to do it?

I think letting him forget and learn his lesson is better done now, or never at all. If you have toddlers they're soon going to become old enough to know its your birthday but have to rely on him to help them get you things. And young children get very upset when they think they haven't done well enough for their mum's birthday.

So either teach him the lesson while they're too young to get upset, or commit to reminding him for a few years until they're old enough to remember the date and recognise when it's coming up.

I'd probably let him suffer this year.

I think it depends on how good a person he is to you in general. I know you say he doesn't bring you cups of tea, etc but maybe he is fantastic in other ways? If he is generally a really good person to you then I would just tut to yourself and remind him, so that you both don't end up feeling crap on the day, and accept that he has a terrible memory for dates but is otherwise fabulous. If he is a selfish git, then set him up if you want and it doesn't make you too miserable!

It’s absolutely it tricking him or setting him hip to fail. He has s la responsibility to remember your birthday, it’s part of being a decent partner & human being - I find it so sad.

I’m curious, will you eventually tell him? The next day?

Will others get you cards and presents and he will see them?

Will you book a night out with the girls to celebrate? As he isn’t taking you out till next week?

I wouldn't remind him, but then I'm discovering as the years go by (and I spend more time on MN) how passive aggressive I really am!

Oh my - my post is unreadable! This is what it should say:
It’s absolutely not tricking him or setting him up to fail. He has a responsibility to remember your birthday, it’s part of being a decent partner & human being - I find it so sad.

So you get cards/gifts for his parents too? Why? And I don’t accept he’s ‘thoughtless’. He’s completely selfish and it sounds like you enable that.
I hope you have a happy birthday and on Friday. I’d try not to engage in childish passive-aggressive game-playing. Instead try to have an honest adult conversation about this with him - it’s okay to feel hurt about the fact that your lifelong partner forgets your birthday. Indeed, one reading of this is that your husband is being passive-aggressive, albeit unconsciously.

Honestly don't understand how you could be with someone so thoughtless - yes give him a wake up call.
DP works 9am- midnight/1am in busy season but last year he took me to Disney world for 10 days on my birthday.
When we were skint he still cooked me dinner and brought me flowers on valentines.

If it's important to you it should be important to him.

I have 2 friends share the same birthday as me. They do know this because both have shared the birthday day with me in past years. Yet despite my wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook and making a comment like great day for a birthday or similar, neither post on mine probably because mine is set not to show my DOB (it's not lack of FB time as they do post on each other's).
I think some people are just wired to not remember dates, whereas others do: my late MIL was fabulous at dates and used to keep us in check for all the nephews nieces cousins etc.

Just reread you last post

Works hard to provide for us

That is no excuse , he needs to celebrate your birthday. It does not have to be a crazzy expensive present, it's the thought that matters. I worked for a lovely international company for over 20 years and every year I had a card and cakes. My husband did zilch. Now my DC have taken over at home and do wonderful cards and pancakes.
My point is, your husband will never change ,

God I’m Brexit-brained and half-asleep.

What I meant is I don’t agree he’s being ‘forgetful’. That’s just a convenient excuse.
Totally agree with candle... - it’s sad that he ‘forgets’. And unless he’s kind and decent in other ways (not just a good provider) he’s not the kind of person I’d want for life partner or role model for kids. But each to their own.

Don't play games because you'll be the loser. Arrange something really nice including stuff you can all enjoy together. Get a calendar to fill in the with the kids and teach them how to celebrate the simple joy that their friends and family are in the world! Their dad sounds miserable and thoughtless!

OP, why do you say "I don’t get (or expect) much on the day".

I think you need to start expecting a LOT, I mean a LOT. So this year, if you want to prove he will forget, then let him forget, and then ask what he plans to do to make up for it. Not a small gesture, a big gesture. He needs to get on the Internet and find a fancy restaurant or weekend away. He needs to treat you beautifully.

And next year, he will, remember! Otherwise again, big big gesture.

"He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him?"

You are not being unreasonable to remind him. However, why is he not bringing you cups of tea etc? Does he just wait for you to make them, or does he not drink them, or does he make them just for himself?

"He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?! " Setting a trap would be putting a £10 note on the floor over a bear trap, you are not setting a trap. You are seeing if your life partner can remember your bithday!

"So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?"

My opinion is that some men are not romantic and they get away with it because their partners are not bothered (some women too). But if it does bother you, then maybe you need to let him know.

Do people honestly think you are'...being unreasonable and tricking him'?? he is an adult. He knows you have a birthday, if he cannot remember it that sounds like he has a problem. he has a phone, a calendar, a diary, a pen and paper....

I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy”

Nothing needs to be organised, a card and flowers picked from the garden would do for me but if he doesn’t wake you up with a card that tells you everything.
He knows 12 months in advance when your birthday is.

He claims just to hate all that “stuff” but I think I will resent never feeling “special”

You will. What are his reasons to hate all that stuff? If it’s family trauma it may be forgivable, just ‘because’ is sheer lazy.

But in all seriousness he is really good in some ways (works hard to provide for us) and is generally supportive and helpful but also critical too. He is a mixed bag really (aren’t we all) but we have two kids together

The critical too bit stood out for me. I’ve been married 20 years and my husband can be grumpy, loving, moody, embarrassing, funny and a whole load of other things but CRITICAL is not something I would ever say.
Really? DEEP down he is a good egg? You really shouldn’t have to dig too deep to find goodness FFS!
Why are you with him?

Updates don’t make him sound any better!

No he isn’t great with children’s birthdays either or their Christmas presents. (By isn’t great I mean gets nothing or only at absolute last minute - literally the last minutes before shops close). He is like that for anyone in his family - it falls to me... It is not an area in which he excels.
So he can’t be arsed with his own kids birthdays, has 364 days to remember Christmas but doesn’t bother because he can get you to sort that for him.