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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

364 replies

Gradiva · 01/04/2019 22:05

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed . Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 02/04/2019 08:31

I think if he wanted to he would remember your birthday. Bet he knows when bonfire night is or American Independence Day is. Can remember dates chooses not to prioritise you.

RottnestFerry · 02/04/2019 08:54

I think if he wanted to he would remember your birthday. Bet he knows when bonfire night is or American Independence Day is. Can remember dates chooses not to prioritise you

Simply remembering a significant date is completely different to knowing when that date is. If you asked me, I could tell you the date of my own birthday but is hasn't stopped me forgetting about it.

TheFaerieQueene · 02/04/2019 09:02

I don’t get the ‘setting him up to fail’ nonsense. He is setting himself up.

He knows that his wife has a birthday. It just isn’t important to him. That makes him an arse.

He doesn’t give a damn at Christmas as well. It speaks volumes I’m afraid. OP you just don’t register as important to him. If you were, he would make a real effort.

As for being busy, my DH manages a large, global team and is away more than at home. He works unbelievable hours. He always takes my birthday as holiday! It is the first days leave he books every year! So all this too busy to remember is nonsense as well.

Have a good birthday OP.

SmallFastPenguin · 02/04/2019 09:06

I forgot our Anniversary once, I am forgetful and terrible at dates.

I think the OPs dh has never shown himself to be someone who might be setting up a wonderful surprise she will genuinely like so there is nothing to lose by asking him in advance if he has forgotten. That way you can make your point that he should be more proactive in remembering as it is important to you and you would be upset, but there is still time to organise something nice and not have a bad atmosphere on the day.

littlebillie · 02/04/2019 09:09

We have a family diary on our phones it helps!

InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 02/04/2019 09:12

If you are ready to take it well, then don't remind him.
My DH once forgot. Well not completely. It was somewhere in a back of his mind obviously because he was acting all nervous all day😂 Apparently he had that horrible feeling he forgot something 😂 Tbf he just confused dates and thought it was 2 days later.
I got a day out wherever I wanted to. Literally everything around the house, I was asking him to do for last 5 months was done in 1 day and he took me for a nice dinner.
Actually worked out better than if he didn't forget😂
I did have a good laugh when I was showing him my passport in the evening with "Ehm. Ehm."

He hasn't got dates mixed up since.

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 09:13

Train him in the behaviour you want

Men aren't dogs. Remembering your significant other's birthday is just basic courtesy and respect.

HandbagsAtDawnOrMidday · 02/04/2019 09:13

My 'D'H is no role model on this. In the past I've kept quiet or lied and covered up for him to our wider circle.
He organised nothing for Mother's Day for the kids until the actual morning and then was hurt that the nearby farm flower stall was empty. What a surprise!
What really hurt was not the lack of 'stuff' card/flowers, etc it was that he couldn't 't actually string a sentence together in front of the kids to thank me or mark the day.
I've been with him 20years now and dread any special day, because of having to explain to others that any effort is one sided or no we didn't go out, give cards or gifts or even talk about our wedding.
He did organise big social events for his own 30 & 40th with huge amount of behind the scenes time & money from me. He knows his neglect to me hurts, I wish I'd spoken publicly spoken years ago, it turns out, social embarrassment does motivate him.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 02/04/2019 09:13

@littlebillie probably provides the most simple, conflict free solution on this thread.

Granted if your DH knows and still doesn’t deliver then he’s a douchebag.

pasturesgreen · 02/04/2019 09:13

I'd remind him, personally. Not doing so deliberately to see whether he remembers or not is akin to cutting off your nose to spite your face: yes, you most likely will have proof that he doesn't remember, but you'll also feel crap and resentful on what should be your special day. It's a no brainer for me.

RottnestFerry · 02/04/2019 09:21

@littlebillie probably provides the most simple, conflict free solution on this thread.

That's assuming he looks at his phone regularly. I haven't seen mine for over two weeks.

TapasForTwo · 02/04/2019 09:33

"Men aren't dogs. Remembering your significant other's birthday is just basic courtesy and respect."

Birthdays aren't important to OH, and he has memory problems. It just doesn't occur to him to make a point of remembering family birthdays, or Mothering Sunday for that matter. He wouldn't care if everyone forgot his birthday. It probably doesn't help that his birthday is just after Christmas so he has had enough of drinking/overeating/celebrating by then.

On the other hand he is kind and considerate and a good husband and father in every other way. And he has many times asked me to remind him about upcoming birthdays because he hates the passive aggressive "you forgot my birthday" atmosphere.

VitreousHumour · 02/04/2019 09:34

You will feel crap on your birthday if you don't remind him and he forgets - but that will be a good thing, because that's a normal reaction to understanding that your life partner doesn't care about your feelings. I think you need to face this and make him understand that no-one 'forgets' things like this or 'isn't good' with birthdays - they choose not to be. Ultimately they don't think you're a priority. I know because I have been that person - I'm trying hard not to be now.

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 09:45

Tapas but are they important to you? A caring partner would acknowledge this even if they aren't important to them.
If you have memory problems then you find a way of remembering.
My DH has the worst memory of anyone I've ever met and he has a full on job which can be stressful at times but he's never forgotten a birthday, anniversary or mother's day because he cares enough about me to make me a priority.

It's not about expensive presents its the acknowledgement. It is beyond hurtful to have a partner that doesn't prioritise you.

Anyway, the OPs husband doesn't appear to have memory problems - he just doesn't seem to care enough to remember.

TapasForTwo · 02/04/2019 09:52

"If you have memory problems then you find a way of remembering."

It isn't that easy. OH is now under the memory team and waiting for an appointment with a clinical neuropsychologist. It is as if he is on another planet sometimes, and the doctor has acknowledged that there is some kind of cognitive impairment, but (thankfully) not alzheimers. He forgets far more important things like birthdays, so I do cut him some slack, and since he has asked for reminders why would I deliberately make him feel bad for forgetting?

It isn't just about not caring enough

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 09:54

Tapas well clearly yours is a relatively unique situation. Not really comparable to the OP. It's understandable that you cut your OH some slack.

Middlrm · 02/04/2019 09:58

To be fair it’s not like op has changed the day she was born to trick him it’s been the same day all her life.... so she isn’t setting him up to fail she is trying to see if he actually thinks about her needs / or about how to celebrate her x see what happens he needs to learn

RottnestFerry · 02/04/2019 10:03

To be fair it’s not like op has changed the day she was born to trick him it’s been the same day all her life....

It isn't on the same day though. The day changes every year. The date doesn't.

Thebookswereherfriends · 02/04/2019 10:05

Do you remember his birthday and do something nice? If you do and he forgets yours then I would also ‘forget’ his. If he is upset that his birthday is not acknowledged then you turn around and say you didn’t think they were important as he never remembers yours.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 02/04/2019 10:09

No excuse to forget these days. Does he have a smartphone? He can set a reminder for himself can't he.

Downunderduchess · 02/04/2019 10:17

I wouldn't remind him. It's not a surprise, it's the same date every year. By all means plan something lovely for yourself on the day, but it's not your job to coerce people to be thoughtful towards you. I'm sure he remembers what he wants to
& if he is terrible at remembering dates etc. then do what I do, put a reminder in his phone so he knows it's coming up. He is an adult he should conduct himself like one.

drspouse · 02/04/2019 10:22

He is an adult he should conduct himself like one.

Which means he should set his own reminders if he needs them. Does his mum come to work with him and set up his meetings in his diary?

Downunderduchess · 02/04/2019 10:31

I meant he should do that himself of course... I may have phrased it wrong.

timeisnotaline · 02/04/2019 10:33

I can’t believe the number of people who think it’s game playing and trap setting to my take on the job of reminding your husband about your birthday (or mother’s day) I call it basic evidence of caring and wanting to be in this marriage , and if you can’t do it we need counselling to save our marriage. A one off year of oh my god is it the 16th already, fine. But every year... and I’m ignoring the pps who’s dps have medically classified memory problems because I don’t see how that’s relevant.

timeisnotaline · 02/04/2019 10:33

Whose

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