To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

[Gradiva]

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed . Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

Mynewbear...
When I mention his crapness with gifts etc friends are quite judgemental. It would be nice for people to accept not all men are good at that kind of thing but most couples I know do seem to give each other gifts so it makes me question my general indifference to this problem. I don’t mind it that much really but it’s more what it says about how he will treat me in later life. I’d like more cups of tea though. Without asking for them. The little things... unfortunately I get no / very few “little” gestures.

Seatosky...
I will google that questionnaire now... bed can wait.

I haven't seen any good points about your DH yet, does he have any?

My DH is forgetful or absentminded with dates as well but honestly he forgets everyone's birthdays. I'd like to think most husbands don't forget birthdays on purpose.

I've tried, not reminding DH about birthdays. It just ends up hurting, when they don't remember and proceeded to do the same the next year.

I'd just if you don't want to remind him, wait until the day and tell him in the morning that he's taking the toddlers and you going out for the day/night/what ever you wish and when he ask why you tell him.

Don't remind him but actually book something nice for yourself for your birthday, and if there is something you fancy for your birthday, order it.

If he's not willing to make a fuss and you want a fuss, arrange it yourself.

Some may say "but why should I have to" but I say that if you're going to be disappointed by jim anyway, don't be disappointed by yourself.

And take his cue, if he claims not to value or be bothered by birthdays don't do anything for his!

*him no idea who bloody Jim is!

It’s passive aggressive game playing and, IMO, childish.

You need to be assertive: Had you realised it’s my birthday on Friday? I would like to go out to ......Will you book it or shall I? I’d like ....... as a present. A little surprise would be nice too.

If he doesn’t step up on the day: I’m upset that you didn’t get me a card/book the restaurant/treat me on my birthday - it makes me feel that you don’t care about me.

@44PumpLane

Hahahahaha! Jim is my dad and he's bloody awful at remember these things so your type gave me a wee chuckle!

*remembering

I had years of this from my dh. thoughtlessness. And itnis awful to know your partner in life is thoughtless towards you.

I always now buy myself some presents and wrap them for xmas / bdays etc. Now I always get something nice, as it is from me. Makes me feel less shit about having a shit husband.

Happy Birthday for Friday OP. It’s also my birthday and we are off on a long weekend European city break. (It’s not a big birthday either)

I think my dh May forget if I didn’t remind him though, so just do it in future?

And with the cups of tea: “It’s your turn to make the tea.”

How does he behave when it's his birthday/father's day/christmas etc? Does he expect you to go to town and spoil him on the occasions that are all about him or is he equally disinterested in gifts and thoughtful surprises then too?

I wouldn’t say. I’d buy myself nice flowers and organise an evening meal too, even at the pub, for the family. Buy yourself a teasmade for your birthday. Do you make his Birthday a pleasant affair ? I’d be reviewing that too. Some people are slow learners, especially when they are in receipt of the everyday niceties themselves.

Some "small things" are actually big things. My husband has never, ever forgotten my birthday or our anniversary. It doesn't take much to remember. You can put it in your calendar on your phone if you're that bad at remembering, fgs. Your husband isn't even capable of such little effort? There's no excuse as far as I'm concerned.

He just came into the bedroom and I said “I’m writing about you on mumsnet” and he said “oh god I bet they’re saying Leave the bastard”(I’ve read him a few posts over the years) but he didn’t ask what I was writing about and then said “well tell him I’ve just been making spaghetti bolognese for the boys” (actually he made himself dinner and put leftovers in fridge ). But in all seriousness he is really good in some ways (works hard to provide for us) and is generally supportive and helpful but also critical too. He is a mixed bag really (aren’t we all) but we have two kids together and I’m sometimes very difficult to live with (prone to depression/bit obsessive and up and down) and we have shared interests and similar taste and also give each other space to get on with our own interests. I love him more than I’ve loved any of my other boyfriends - he is by far the longest relationship and I feel we are getting to know each other better and better each year) and he is a good egg really. Deep down. A good egg... but not a romantic one.
This has been really fun reading the replies and I see I have two main camps of respondents (tell and don’t tell) and I’m going to stick to my wicked plan not to give him any hints. It is this Friday but if he does forget I will not will not sulk or get angry. I just won’t mention it. Well I’ll try not to. I will let you all know how it goes!
Really appreciate the replies.
Goodness gracious me it is nearly 11. Off to bed with you all xxx

I've tried leaving things, not telling someone about an anniversary or birthday etc. And in my case, it has hurt. It has hurt when they've been reminded and still forgotten. Current OH (and hopefully last) forgets I've told him things. He's amazing and lovely, but we seem to argue a lot over things I've told him which he doesn't remember. It's part of the reason u get so cross when he says he's listening but I know he isn't because for example he starts making snoring noises in bed or on the sofa (genuine, not him taking the piss).

I would have considered talking excitedly about the weekend (if your bday was fri or sat, particularly) and wondering what you'll be doing, any plans, you're looking forward to it. And if he turns round and says no plans, what the hell are you looking forward to, say "well, it'll be the X of April..." and wait for him to click. Or not.

Also 💐 💐 🌷 🌹 🌷 💐 💐 and Birthday felicitations for Friday have a lovely day.

Also, I should confess I am pretty crap at present buying myself but I do always get him something even if only day or two before - however last year I got him a hot air balloon ride on the morning of his birthday but I printed it out and had a card to go with it and I let him lie in until 9 and took him the card (and a cup of tea!!!) and he didn’t know it was a last minute thing (because I didn’t admit that). So it’s not like I’m a massively thoughtful gifted but I have made him arty cards etc. I’m 58/100 as a gift giver and he is 29.5/100.

Nb - my OH isn't romantic either, and I tell him it makes me a bit sad. But he has just given me the best mothers day ever. I had told him how much I love particular flowers (in most cases I prefer them in a pot, still living, but there is an exception) and said how much I would love some sunflowers. I could have cried, there were three beautiful sunflowers in the arrangement with various dried flowers, one for each kiddo plus the dog. I wasn't feeling it yesterday, but these must have meant he did listen. For once. There is hope, OP x

It absolutely isn't unreasonable to expect your partner in life to remember your birthday. Dh is shit about a lot of things but he would never forget my birthday, even if it's just a card, a cake from tesco and a bunch of flowers. If your dh can get himself though a week at work he can remember to put an annual reminder in his fucking Google calendar for your birthday without having to be prompted and spoon fed.

Hope you have a lovely birthday however it ends up, OP.

I did this with friends once as I was always getting cards in the post a couple of days after my bday. I removed my birthday from public view on Facebook and all but one of my friends forgot. In all honesty it just made me feel crap. And I doubt it has taught them anything. It’s a gamble but as long as you are open to feeling rubbish then maybe one worth playing. Just depends on if it has the desired effect of him remembering in 12 months

Sounds like you're setting yourself up for a shit birthday OP.

Stop playing games and just tell him that you find his behaviour hurtful. His reaction and subsequent behaviour on your birthday will tell you all you need to know.

Or you could send yourself some lovely flowers with a cryptic message and use jealousy to force him to up his game.

I'd go with the first option, but then I don't like playing games in a relationship.

Happy Birthday OP.
Good luck with trying to teach him a lesson.
I think however, a more effective one is theforget his Birthday and see how he reacts.
Give him a belated card the next day, say you don’t feel like cooking and wear slobby clothes and have a ready meal.

From what you’ve said, even when reminded, he doesn’t make much of an effort.
Arrange a nice lunch with girlfriends, organise a babysitter and go out in the evening too. Make sure he sees you all dressed up, and start questioning why.

Ah @Gradiva I'm with you. Don't remind him. But there is hope for the future-the children will remind him when they're older. Then you drop massive hints to kids what you want and they ensure dad buys it! Win win all round!! xx