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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

364 replies

Gradiva · 01/04/2019 22:05

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed . Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

OP posts:

FrozenMargarita17 · 02/04/2019 00:02

I would organise a dinner out with him for your birthday, bring yourself cake and give it to them quietly to bring out and when they do sit there like this

FrozenMargarita17 · 02/04/2019 00:03

I am tired. What I mean is, say "yes! I'd like go to out for dinner on Friday" but do not mention it's for your birthday. Then do the above

ineedaholidaynow · 02/04/2019 00:03

Does he remember things at work?

k1233 · 02/04/2019 00:07

How about a lighthearted birthday post. I went to a friend's black friday birthday party. It was so much fun, I spent about 40minutes trying to work out when I'd have my next black friday birthday. After 40mins of trying to work out when my next Friday birthday would be, it slowly dawned on me I was born on the 2nd LOL that explained why I'd never had a friday 13th birthday

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/04/2019 00:08

Does he remember dates for things he's interested in like new film/album/book release date, sports fixtures etc?

Tinkoschminko · 02/04/2019 00:16

No one wins this game. Don’t do it.

HappyLife21 · 02/04/2019 00:17

I think it sounds a bit pathetic to be honest.

My birthday is important to me so I go on about it beforehand.

I am crap at remembering other people’s birthdays and no amount of passive aggressive game playing would change that.

How are you going to ‘train’ him if you’re simultaneously not going to make a fuss?

Davespecifico · 02/04/2019 00:24

DP claims not to care about any special events. I do all the MIL cards and presents because she would get upset and blame us both if I didn’t. I do all of DD’s presents. He sort of just about remembers my birthday.
One year on his birthday I didn’t mention it. He went off to work without a word, card or present from me. He rang me at 4.30 and asked me if I realised what day it was. I replied, “Yes, it’s Thursday. Why do you ask?” he really was a bit put out that I appeared not to have remembered his birthday. He didn’t learn his lesson. Of course he didn’t.
My life lesson is you can’t change people. Your best option is to make better life choices in the first place so as not to end up with a lazy f.

MardyBra · 02/04/2019 00:25

Your post is now trending so after telling him you've written about him on Mumsnet, he’s probably now got the message.

Stargazer888 · 02/04/2019 00:33

My birthday is a tough time for me so I have always made it clear to dh I want a fuss. I always remind him and hint what I'd like to do. I'm sure friends think it's amazing what he does for me (and it is) but it happens because I'm incredibly clear of what I want. I always remind him. Maybe he'd remember, maybe not, but it's worth it to me to remind him.

timeisnotaline · 02/04/2019 00:40

It’s not setting him up to fail, it’s expectinn him to care. Don’t remind him, I agree with a pp you need a big cost for his forgetting. In similar circs I planned to take myself to Paris for the following weekend if my dh forgot something I cared about from joint money of course (he didn’t forget).

Shelby2010 · 02/04/2019 00:41

I can see it from both sides:
a) if he really loved you he’d remember your birthday because he knows it’s important to you
b) if you weren’t being childish you wouldn’t set him a challenge that you know he’ll probably fail unless you actually are only interested in playing the martyr

Personally I’d just add my birthday to his phone calendar with an alert set for 3 days before. If he ignores that then you can feel fully justified at handing him his balls ona plate.

moomoomummy · 02/04/2019 01:02

You not setting him a challenge . You are hoping that he may just have the decency to remember your birthday. I would not tell him. Why should you. Sit back and wait and see what happens on Friday. Just make sure you do something nice for yourself on Friday so you have something to look forward to. Let us know what happens.... Good luck

SkintAsASkintThing · 02/04/2019 01:03

I always forget birthdays, other than the DC's (( and even that can slip my mind )) I have no idea when anyone's are.

They know if they don't drop a hint before I won't have a clue and not to moan about it ......I wouldn't cut off my nose to spite my face op. Serves no one.

llangennith · 02/04/2019 01:05

You say you won't be angry with him just disappointed. Men don't go guilt so forget trying to guilt trip him by showing sadness. Get angry! Let him know how unbelievably annoyed (and upset) you are at his thoughtlessness.

Wingedharpy · 02/04/2019 01:13

The lack of cups of tea would bother me far more than a birthday card.
A birthday comes along on one day per year.
A grand gesture once a year wouldn't keep me going.
Cups of tea are a small gesture which can be done several times a day thereby creating a daily expression of love in a teacup(or mug).
Happy birthday for Friday OP.

Time40 · 02/04/2019 02:01

So OP is getting blamed for not telling him it's her birthday? That's "setting him up to fail"?

I know. That's one of the maddest ideas I ever heard. Being responsible for reminding your husband of your birthday has to be the ultimate wife work.

Don't tell him, OP. It is NOT your responsibility to tell him. He should know.

PotolBabu · 02/04/2019 02:12

The birthday and forgetting is fine. I am not into birthdays and Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day and what not. The not making cups of tea and never getting up with the kids suggests that actually he isn’t a nice person and he is fundamentally selfish and this has nothing to do with the gifts.

jameswong · 02/04/2019 04:15

I wouldn't remind him this time. I think there is argument that you have an inauthentic relationship with him (doesn't mean that can't be changed). Then going forward I would try and view my birthday differently. What exactly do I want from it that doesn't include him remembering it far advance and creating romantic surprises (because if he feels that isn't something he wants or is willing to do, then that's his right to have that opinion)? Tell him exactly what you want for future special days, if he can't manage that then there might be an issue. Then he would be VU.

Fucket · 02/04/2019 04:46

Do you not own a wall calendar? Are we the only family who mark off all important dates every January 01st for the whole year?

Who remembers his family’s birthdays? Who buys their cards and presents? And if it’s you why have you taken that on? You have children don’t spend the rest of your life being the one who organises every birthday and every Christmas and let him get the glory for your hard work.

I would tell your dh the night before your birthday that you are going out for the day to celebrate your birthday and you are leaving him at home with the kids. Then hopefully by the time you got home he would’ve pulled something out of the hat for you. Don’t play games.

Don’t organise anymore gifts or cards for his relatives you are his wife not the family servant. Likewise Christmas is a shit old time for mums who do every bit of the festive season. So tell him you will organise, sort out and buy presents and he will write cards, wrap gifts and put the decorations up and take them down again. Also get him to cook Xmas dinner and shop for it too. So many men and children expect a John Lewis advert for Xmas but moan if they have to pay for it, or get involved in pulling one off. If it doesn’t get done at least the kids get their gifts and you keep your sanity.

if he never forgets his mums birthday but always yours then you really do have a problem.

RitaFairclough · 02/04/2019 05:17

It’s emotional labour. Women have to remember birthdays and presents and sort out Christmas because men are too Busy and Importanf to be bothered by such fripperies. Except social interactions like this aren’t just fluff; they are what holds things together and makes life fun.

Expecting you to sort out your own birthday presents and celebration is the ultimate emotional labour, OP. If your husband is forgetful he can write your birthday in his diary or put it in his phone. It’s not rocket science.

I agree that you should organise your own celebrations. Arrange to meet friends and make sure you tell him why you need him at home to look after the kids.

AgentJohnson · 02/04/2019 05:19

Why are investing so much energy into this? This is who he is, your birthday isn’t a priority for him, stop making it easier for him to make excuses,

How difficult is it to program a reoccurring date (that’s never going to change) into your phone.

Stop participating in this will he or won’t be farce.

NewPapaGuinea · 02/04/2019 05:21

In this day and age with calendars on phones there is no excuse for forgetting important dates. How does he remember dates for anything? Sounds like he just doesn’t care that much (harsh)

LIttleMissTickles · 02/04/2019 05:23

OP! 10'years ago I could have written your post. Every Mothers Day and birthday and Christmas was a disappointment. I'm not particularly materialistic, would just have enjoyed being made to feel special, not much to ask!

However, after quite a few years of marriage, I finally realised that he does actually make me feel special and loved in so many other ways, and basically not making a fuss on big days, and forgetting to buy presents (not prioritising it) is his biggest flaw. It then dawned on me that if that is his worst flaw, I have a great man! I decided there and then to buy my own presents a couple of weeks before, hand it to him for admiring and wrapping, and now he always buys and writes a beautiful card - the present seems to be the reminder. Our DC are old enough to do the Mothers Day fussing themselves, and they'll always ask what I'd like for breakfast etc. I can only tell you that I now can't believe how much it used to hurt/upset me. Could this work for you?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 02/04/2019 05:49

This is a tricky one but - with respect - you are coming across daft as a brush.

So my DH forgot Mother’s Day this year. I’m 3/10 on the pissed off scale. Why?

we have a house move coming up in 5 weeks
we are sleep deprived and have all been ill
our 3 year old and 17mo old are just mental atm
work is kicking our heads in

These are all mitigating factors but the biggest one of all is that he shows me he cares plenty over the rest of the year by organising nice dates, considerate gifts and trips and getting babysitting sorted etc.

Your issue here is that you feel totally undervalued but are pinning hope on a miracle you know won’t happen to force a conversation as to why he needs to make you feel more special - a just argument, just don’t have it when he’s feeling like a prick for forgetting and you’re simmering with resentment.

For me, there is no excuse for partners not to make one another feel special. But some folk are genuinely naturally shit at it.

I hope if he is one of those he’s doing plenty for you and the children in other ways to counter the void.

From your posts I suspect not.

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