Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

I think it's completely understandable that you, and your DD, don't want to be around this man.

Your older DD is in a difficult position though if she's not allowed to say anything. Cutting out her SIL's partner would need to be explained. So she'd either have to tell her in laws what happened to her sister or say nothing, which means being around him.

Complex isn't it?

In effect your younger daughter is blaming her older sister for her future extended in laws. That's wrong .

Your older daughter also has a responsibility to her future husband. What is his opinion about all this? To not invite the alleged rapist, would man marginalising his sister.

Your younger daughter needs to be able to separate the issues and stop putting blame on her sister.

Were the police involved? If not, why not? (Im sorry, that is a crass question, but I think it is relevant)

Hi OP what a horrible situation.

Normally I'd say for a wedding to try and put hostilities to one side and be civil for the sake of the bride and groom

But this isn't hostilities this is criminal and no way I'd put your daughter through it. It's a shame the daughter that's getting married hasn't stuck up for her more.

What does your daughter say about it? Does she want you not to go?

@plainspeaking do you know how many rape cases get convicted? Isn't it around 5%? That's a 95% chance of having your sexual history questioned, everyone saying you're a liar, you spread rumours, etc etc, and I'm sure most assaults don't get reported for this reason

Knowing the full story, it's completely understandable how you and your dd feel.

The problem here is that your other daughter's in laws have no knowledge of what has happened. How can your daughter explain that her fiancee's sister's partner isn't invited to the wedding but with no reason given?

I'm really not sure that you can expect your older daughter to ostracise herself from her future in laws without her being able to explain why.

Very difficult situation for all involved.

Your oldest daughter sounds like she wants her happy ever after at all costs, even if that means throwing her sister under the bus. If she has any decency she will disinvite him based on the rumours he has spread if nothing more. If not, I don't know what you should do. Like you said, he's already ruined your daughters relationship with each other, and you will run the risk of losing your eldest yourself now too. But I think in your position I wouldn't go, sad as it is.

@AmIRightOrAMeringue - yes thanks, that's why I phrased the question the way I did. That ok with you?

My eldest DD and fiancé did speak to the future in laws who said they have never seen their daughter so happy and as they ‘don’t know’ my younger DD they choose to be neutral and say nothing.

Given the mans reaction when he was challenged about the rumours (and fake nude photos he sent people on Snapchat) we are very wary of his reaction to what might be said that might get back to him.

If I don’t go to the wedding my eldest could cut me off. If I do go my youngest will because she will feel I don’t believe her either. Pretty much a lose lose situation.

You're between a rock and hard place, aren't you? I really feel for you - this must be awful.
I think you're right not to go. You're just going to have to invest a lot of time and effort in reassuring older DD how much you do love and care about her, despite not going to the wedding, and spend time with her and her fiancee as much as you can - make sure she can't ever say you turned your back on her. Hopefully in time she'll gain a better understanding of how your younger DD feels.

She has the ready made reason of the rumours that this man has spread about her sister as reason not to invite him without betraying her sister's confidence.

Its a difficult situation, but I honestly couldn't go in your position. Truly understand that this is your eldest daughters wedding day but there is no way I could be in the same room as my daughter's rapist.

@plainspeaking it has nothing to do with separating the rape from her sister and everything to do with her sister's choice to be friendly with this man after she was aware of his past actions AND after he spread nasty rumours about her own sister.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking no the police were not involved. By the time she realised what he did was rape time had passed and he had spread the rumours about her. Sadly there were plenty of people willing to believe them - and that attitude is what she fears should she say something. We live in a relatively small town and she was sexually active - and people have already shown they are willing to judge her on her ‘past’,

I’m sorry for your oldest daughter, but she’s not the victim in all of this, your poor youngest daughter is. She did absolutely nothing wrong, but your oldest is more concerned about bad feeling, than the horror of what her sister went through. I couldn’t bring myself to go as. Wedding verses the victim of a rape. The decision, at the end of the day is yours.

I should clarify - People in our town are willing to judge her

I don't think anyone's going to be a winner here - someone, be that you or the daughters future in laws are going to be put in the unenviable position of possibly ruining their relationship with a daughter.

For me the median ground would be to go to the wedding but not stay for the festivities? Is that a possible solution.

FWIW - and I will be shouted down - I think your younger daughter has the choice whether to go or not, but she has absolutely no right to ask you to damage your relationship with your older daughter.

I'm not a lover of the old 'write a letter solution' but in this instance, a letter laying out all the scenarios, and YOUR feelings too, and send it to both - and I'd hope your younger daughter would see shes actually asking too much. I don't envy your choice

You can't go to the wedding. As awful as it is, your older DD doesn't come off well in any of this; essentially she's prioritising keeping her future in-laws happy above any loyalty to her sister.

I have sisters. We fight all the time, we piss one another off and say some of the rudest things imaginable to one another. But woe betide anyone who hurts one of us because the loyalty we share is invincible and I'd tear his arse off and wear it as a hat before being in the same room as someone who raped one of my sisters. Your older DD is messed up to feel absolutely no loyalty to your younger DD and I think she's going to eat her words one day because rapists don't stop being rapists.

What an awful situation. I cant understand your oldest daughters lack of loyalty towards her sister.

This is really really difficult.

Your younger daughter needs your support, your older daughter sounds like she is being a bit insensitive.

I can sort of understand the in laws reaction - they don’t know if the rape accusation is true so they don’t want ant to be estranged for their daughter because of it. If I was your older daughter I could never be in this mans company though. He is a monster, and I hope she believes her sister.

As others have said, there may be proof of the nasty rumours? If your older daughter and her fiancé know this abhorrent behaviour is true, surely that is enough to explain he can’t come to the wedding. Your daughter can’t choose this awful man over her family??

Yes PP above is right, your eldest is not the victim. She is choosing a happy future and getting close to the inlaws dedpite what happened to her sister. She's absolutely looking out for number one. You're youngest needs you more in this I think. However, how amenable is your youngest to being reassured that you still support her 100 percent if you did go to the wedding? I'm not saying should be her to be the reasonable one, but since your other daughter isn't, then it's either that or you dont go.

I completely get why she didn't report it. Someone close to me has been raped twice. First time she went to the police, it got to court however his father was a judge and he got away with it. They bumped into each other with friends a couple of days later and he was boasting in front of everyone how he got away with it. She didn't bother reporting the second time.

It's incredible the amount of people who still judge and don't believe it as well.

I think the oldest daughter should be more concerned about her sister, what her sister has been through is awful. She has a great excuse not to invite him without telling people about the rape.

If I were you I wouldn't go (your youngest has been through enough, she needs her family on her side) and I'd explain why to your eldest.

Could you really sit in a room with your daughters rapist? I'm surprised her sister is tbh.

The assumption here also is that the older daughter has complete control over invitations - this is wedding - her groom and his family also have input.

I really feel for you @IAmInimitable

Oh this is just awful OP, I really feel for you. It has made me so cross - this man has not only got away with something dreadful but now it’s already as if he is being rewarded for it. Unbelievable.
This man is not family - yet. But these are YOUR two children involved, on a really important day.
You can’t win, but I think both your daughters should come first. Could you have another conversation, maybe take your older daughter’s soon to be MIL out for a coffee and gently explain the situation. I think your daughters trump the sister in law really.
Ugh. Why do these men get away with stuff like this.
Really feel for you OP.

I couldn’t go if he was there. You need to support your younger dd (not saying you aren’t!) by not going.

I know it’s not good to lose either of your daughters but your younger DDspunds like she is the most vulnerable and the one that needs you the most right now.

Awful situation. Is there anyone who could try to ensure that the alleged rapist declines the invitation? YANBU to not attend if he does.

God this is hard. Knee jerk reaction without thinking too much is that I’d go to the wedding ceremony but not the reception.
If I got the chance to hiss menacingly in the rapst’s ear I’d tell him I knew exactly what kind of man he is and. Well I don’t know what actually comes after the and, but I could work out something.

I feel very sorry for your daughter, has she had any counselling?

What are your gut instincts?

@IAmInimitable Christ almighty what a sad sad situation to be in for you. Firstly I'm so sorry. And secondly if it were me I don't think I could go to the wedding, I couldn't face him and pretend all is ok and you shouldn't expect to either, whether your daughter has pushed it under the carpet or not it's bound to resurface one day and a happy celebration like a wedding mixed with alcohol definitely isn't the place to see him. Awful for u, damned if u do damned if u don't. I wish u luck