Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

Oh god OP i really feel for you, but I don't think you can go.

Your youngest DD has been raped, because of our societal BS had to deal with that alone without realising what was done to her, after was smeared by her rapist, was ostracised by the community because of these rumours spread by her rapist, then her sister either didn't believe her or didn't think she was worth an uncomfortable conversation with new SIL, and now faces her family showing up to a wedding where her rapist is a guest.

Whereas your eldest DD might not have her mother at her wedding.

Jeez it's horrible but i don't think you can go. Your youngest needs to see you advocating for her

Also just gotta say i'm struggling to understand it - if someone had hurt my little brother (an adult despite 'little') i'd want to kill them. I wouldn't have enough space to put my fury.

Don’t be so ridiculous Dana28

I wouldn't go. I would rather fracture my relationship with eldest rather than youngest, as she's been through something traumatic and it could be detrimental to her mental health.

Op I'm sorry if I've missed this on the thread, likely someone has already mentioned it - but can the man be looked up under Claire's Law?

I also think he is likely to do something like this again in future and I wouldn't be surprised if the family eventually found out more about him. Your eldest dd needs to give her head a wobble.

dana

Of course a wedding is a major life event, so is being raped. One is a choice and one most definitely isn't.

The fact that your older dd wants to be in the company of the man that raped her ds says a lot about how not very nice at all your eldest dd is.

The fact that your older dd wants to be in the company of the man that raped her ds says a lot about how not very nice at all your eldest dd is.

Who says the older dd wants to be in his company?

@LittleChristmasMouse if my sister was raped, there is no way on earth I would be socialising with the man. The oldest DD has been socialising with him and the guy is invited the wedding.

However, it seems like the oldest DD doesn't believe her sister and that's where we differ - I'd always believe my sister.

WhenISnappedAndFarted

I'm seeing it from a different angle. I'm seeing that the eldest daughter is socialising with her fiancee's family and this man happens to be there. If she were choosing to meet up with him then I would view that differently. I don't see how she can tell her in laws who they can invite to an event for example. Her only choice is not to go to any event where he might be and how does that work? They then become isolated from her fiancee's family. Maybe her fiancee is worried about his sister (knowing the truth about her boyfriend but forbidden from telling his sister so that she can protect herself) and wants to keep a relationship going with her?

I had a huge falling out with my brother in law and refused to be where he was. That meant that I lost contact with all of my extended family, missed out on family weddings, parties etc because I couldn't insist that he wasn't invited. I don't see how the older dd can do this or expect her fiancee to do it and if they have children it becomes even more difficult.

If the rapist were the bride's friend or a relative on her side then I agree that she should cut contact but in these circumstances I don't see it as her betraying or disbelieving her sister just because at times her path crosses his.

If he worked with the older sister would you expect her to leave her job?

I just think that the younger sister made the choice that was right for her ie not report to police and wanting the attack kept secret but unfortunately a consequence of that is that this man is at large and will soon be loosely related to her sister. I'm not sure that the younger sister should expect her older sister to avoid this man to the extent it means potentially isolating her husband to be from his family.

You seem to remove all of the elder dds responsibility, however it is well within the gift to say to her in laws, here is a man that raped my youngest sister, posted fake muse photos of her all of the internet and then ensured some nasty rumours would silence/crush her. So I respect but not nevcessarily agree with your decision to invite this rapist/man to your home. I am sure you will also respect my decision to have a absolutely nothing to do with him. This is what the eldest sister SHOULD have done. Instead she decided it was more convenient to ignore the small detail of her sisters rape and welcome him to her wedding. I would say that particular responsibility lies entirely with the elder sister littlechristmas

Nude
Necessarily

I wouldn’t marry a man that thought it was okay for my youngest sister to be raped by my sister’s boyfriend, and then expect me, his wife, to overlook that small detail so I could smile sweetly at family parties and occasions and sit and socialise with the monster that raped my sister.

The wedding would be cancelled, and the relationship would be dead in the water.

Springwalk

It's not just going to her in laws home though is it? He is her sister in laws boyfriend so that is then anywhere that they might also be, in the context of no one being able to know what he did (apart from the pil).

"Are you coming to Great aunt Sylvie's 90th birthday, Sandra's wedding, Fred's funeral, my bbq?" "Will George be there?" "I don't know, possibly. Is that a problem?" "In that case no we won't be going then?" " Why ever not? The whole family is going" " I can't say/I don't like him"

Given that the younger sister is scared of any reprisals from him I can't imagine he will take too kindly to being bad mouthed around the family can you? Even if older dd used the rumours/ fake pictures as an excuse I doubt the man would accept the accusations.

I don't know. I just don't think it is clear cut. If the older dd has said she doesn't believe the sister then that is an issue. I don't see her actions as showing she doesn't believe her though.

I do think the OP needs to be careful. Imagine if this caused the wedding to be called off or the marriage to break up - does the older dd then get to make demands on the younger sister?

I doubt the OP is coming back. I just think the situation is way more complicated than can be summed up in half a dozen posts - so the older dd has been photographed at some events where this man was - details are important though. How many over what period of time? Once a week is not on and yes that's her being happy to be with him, twice in 5 years not an issue.

I wouldn’t marry a man that thought it was okay for my youngest sister to be raped by my sister’s boyfriend,

Would you marry someone who forbade you from protecting your sister by telling her the truth about her boyfriend?

littlechristmas

I find your appeasement really quite disgusting actually.

I don't think the eldest sister should give a flying fuck about 90th birthday parties or the fact she can't attend the family BBQ with her sister's rapist boyfriend. I would think that would be the very very last place on earth any normal sister would want to be.

Imagine if this caused the wedding to be called off or the marriage to break up

God forbid the elder sister actually stood by her sister and called the wedding off. Can you just imagine loving your sister enough to not want her rapist at your wedding?

I have no idea what your agenda is little, but if you apply this to RL you are going to be taken to the cleaners at some point.

The elder sister needs to be honest with herself, honest with her in laws and tell them all that the rapist will never ever be welcome anywhere near her, or her family.
Only then will she see how much her fiancee cares for her, and if he has any sense of decency whatsoever. It would be a very good test of his character wouldn't you say. The in laws have two choices, they either understand and have doubts about the rapist as well, or they simply ensure that family events going forward are separate. It is not bloody difficult tens of thousands of families have lived like this since time began. Who bloody cares. One would hope that the in laws would talk to their dd about the rapist and try to persuade her to ditch him, given he circulated fake nudes on in the internet and nasty rumours of their future DIL's sister it can't be that difficult!

You little, are the reason why the victims end up with no support and are silenced, whilst rapists can casually continue their lives. There will be a littlechristmas everywhere trying to shut the rape victim down for the sake of fucking 'peace'. Well there is no peace for the victim is there? So there certainly shouldn't be any for the rapist. Any decent family would not want anything to do with him, ever. Period.

I feel the younger Dd won't go to the police, won't tell people about the rape but is expecting others to ostracise the rapist from their lives.
It's surely unlikely now that the rapist will send more nude pictures of her or whatever else he might choose to do, should the truth be broadcast. She expects her DSis and DM to deal with him for her which is unfair in my view.
She needs to go to the police. If she can't face the social backlash of this in a small town it's unfair to expect others to do it for her.

This is one of the worst posts I've ever read on here.

The OP herself said:

Eldest just can’t get over the fact the youngest acted ‘normally’ round this man after it happened. I’ve had long discussions about acquaintance rape and my youngest has also tried to explain what happened, why she reacted like she did and how she came to be able to talk about it.

However eldest DD also truly believes that the youngest’s bf has turned youngest DD into a ‘victim’ and that she’d be over it by now and carrying on as normal. So that hasn’t helped at all

That to me doesn’t sound like a woman that believes her sister was raped.

Oh sure. The older dd has to surrender her marriage, potentially her home and what? Move back in with her parents? Is that your solution? Because her fiancee's sister's boyfriend attacked her sister?

And how can anyone warn the sister in law when no one is allowed to tell her what her boyfriend did? Yet the fiancee has to be ok with his sister living with a rapist but not able to tell her?

And in your world, where the wedding is called off etc, don't you imagine that the groom might then think "sod everything I'm telling my sister why my wedding is off and my relationship is over?" Then everyone will know what the sister wanted kept secret.

We just don't know what proof there is of these rumours, photos etc. If none exists I dare say the man in question has protested his innocence and claimed the sister is making it up. For people who only know him and not the woman perhaps that's believable.

I'm not disbelieving the sister. I'm not apologising for the rapist.

But it's not the older dds fault. I fail to see why she has to end her relationship or call off her marriage. If she does that, in support of her sister, should her sister not get married in recognition of the support her older sister showed?

If I were the groom I would refuse to be complicit in a lie that put my sister at risk. I think the fact that he is doing that is showing that the bride and groom are trying to support the bride's sister.

If I were the groom I would refuse to be complicit in a lie that put my sister at risk. I think the fact that he is doing that is showing that the bride and groom are trying to support the bride's sister.

No he either doesn't believe she was raped, or if he does believe she was raped and he doesn't care.

In either scenario, who the hell would want to marry a man like this regardless.

Are you the elder sister littlechristmas You seem to be making every excuse under the sun for her, when really what she has done is totally inexcusable.

Springwalk

Why do you think that the groom not telling his sister means he doesn't believe the bride's sister?

Would you rather he breaks confidence and tells his sister? Would that prove that he believes his sister in law even though he would be doing exactly what she doesn't want him to do?

The bride and groom are in a no win situation here. No matter what they do they will fall out with one or other family.

How can your daughter explain that her fiancee's sister's partner isn't invited to the wedding but with no reason given?

Easier than explaining why her sister (and possibly her mother) aren't going!

I wouldn't go. But then if I was your elder daughter I wouldn't be inviting the bastard to my wedding in the first place.

Your youngest needs support here, not the oldest.

Oh sure. The older dd has to surrender her marriage, potentially her home and what? Move back in with her parents? Is that your solution? Because her fiancee's sister's boyfriend attacked her sister
Everyone is being punished except the true culprit. Will the DM have any relationship with her eldest in the future or is that still a betrayal.

little

Why do you think that the groom not telling his sister means he doesn't believe the bride's sister?

Er, because the groom is happy for his sister to go out with a rapist. In addition to this the groom is also happy to socialise with said rapist.

Would you rather he breaks confidence and tells his sister? Would that prove that he believes his sister in law even though he would be doing exactly what she doesn't want him to do?

He does not need to break anyones confidence (although I absolutely would if my sister was going out with a rapist, for her own safety)
The groom has a wealth of reasons not to welcome the rapist into their lives, the nude photos posted on the internet (there is proof in the photos) and the nasty rumours would more than suffice to any normal functioning human being.

The bride and groom are in a no win situation here. No matter what they do they will fall out with one or other family

Why would you care about the other side of the family, when he has raped her younger sister! Who would honestly care about niceties given the magnitude of what has happened. The moment for playing happy families truly died the minute he raped her sister. The rest is fall out. The only person responsible is the monster that did that to her, and there should be consequences for his actions.

little

You seem to lack the ability to understand the gravity of what has happened. It is not some small falling out that needs to be papered over. It is a rape, and not only a rape but one that followed with abuse and taunting.

The bride and groom (elder sister) should absolutely make a stand against the man that did this to her little sister, whatever the cost in family relations.

The rapist is not married to the groom's sister yet, the is not related to the in laws yet, so why is he taking precedence over all else? It is disgusting.

Pp had it spot on when saying that people like little are the reason why many women don’t report their assaults. Disgusting posts.