Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to daughters wedding

371 replies

IAmInimitable · 01/04/2019 19:59

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

OP posts:
CosISaid · 01/04/2019 20:33

As a mother and a victim of rape, I would have to say that you need to side with the younger daughter on this one. The elder one knows why, so she's being incredibly unreasonable in having him here. Does she want her Mum and her sister there or the man who raped her sister?
Side with your younger daughter please.

Grumpelstilskin · 01/04/2019 20:34

Your youngest DD needs your support. Your older DD is quite selfish and lacks empathy. I would not go in this case either. Your oldest DD should ot put any of you in this position.

wednesdayrobyn · 01/04/2019 20:34

That’s a truly awful position to be in but if I was in your shoes I wouldn’t attend the wedding. There is no way I could be in the same room as such a vile man.

Unfortunately with these types of situations many people would rather ignore and sweep it under the carpet, does the sil know about the rape? I would feel she should know what kind of man she is getting involved with.

If I was your eldest daughter I would let him know he’s not invited and I would explain my reasoning to anybody that asked.

I’m sorry this happened to your daughter op.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 20:34

Does your elder daughter's fiance know?

Original poster
IAmInimitable · 01/04/2019 20:36

I have always understood that my eldest daughter is in a difficult position and said, even though I couldn’t, I can understand why she doesn’t want her fiancé to miss out on time with his family so accept she goes to birthday dinners etc.

I’ve also said that I could live with him going to the evening event as we could leave after the actual wedding. SIL is a bridesmaid so I almost feel she will be busy during that time so he doesn’t need to be there.

All I’m asking is for him not to be there for one day - them seeing him at other times is something I can live with - it’s their lives and I don’t need to be involved in whatever they do with the in laws.

OP posts:
NWQM · 01/04/2019 20:36

@StarJumpsandaHalf - I'm with you I think.

No way would I let that man make me miss my daughter's wedding. He has taken enough from your family.

You can ask that as many arrangements are made that you are nowhere near him as possible....your daughter can give strict instructions to the photographer, sort out travel places etc.

museumum · 01/04/2019 20:37

I feel terrible for you. I think you probably shouldn’t go but your poor older DD will have a terrible day explaining over and over why the mother of the bride isn’t present.
I think you need to sit down with your eldest and tell her that you just can’t go and come up with a plan/excuse together.

InsertFunnyUsername · 01/04/2019 20:39

What an awful situation.

Its clear to there will be no winner here, one of your daughters will feel like you have chosen sides. You will either miss your daughter wedding, or have to be in a room with a scumbag.

For what its worth i would %100 stick by your youngest daughter, she desperately needs you to stand with her especially with your follow up posts, about people not believing her etc.

My sympathies OP.

Ginger1982 · 01/04/2019 20:39

Does the SIL think her fiancé and your DD simply slept together? She must know something if he was spreading rumours and pictures about her?

Ginger1982 · 01/04/2019 20:40

Sorry, the SIL and her partner.

BlackeyedGruesome · 01/04/2019 20:40

you need to support your younger daughter through this. she needs to know that you believe her.

Zebra31 · 01/04/2019 20:41

Under most circumstances I would say try and be civil for your older daughters sakes. However, in this situation I wouldn’t go. I can not understand how she could consider inviting the man that raped her sister to her wedding. I am struggling to understand why she socialises with him. Why would anyone want to socialise with a rapist! With regards the SIL, has anyone considered that she may want to know she’s marrying a rapist?

I am really struggling to understand how your older daughter could do this to her sister.

LittleChristmasMouse · 01/04/2019 20:42

Do the in laws know about the accusation of rape? I was reading it as none of them knew and were only aware of the rumour spreading.

I agree with PlainSpeakingStraightTalking I don't think that your younger daughter can really expect your older daughter to disinvite her in law without giving a good reason. I don't see it as the elder daughter taking sides. She can fully support and believe her sister but how on earth can she justify not allowing her bil to be at the wedding?

I think if the younger dd doesn't want to be at the wedding then you should all understand and support her decision but I'm not sure why the OP feels that she can't go. It's not as though it's the groom who is the accused. Your older dd and her husband are being punished for something that they aren't to blame for.

Just say the bil was uninvited and the sil stayed away in protest. What's to say there then wouldn't be a scene at the wedding if aggrieved family, who don't know the truth, started wading in?

As hard as it is, your younger dd made a decision not to report this and to not tell his wife/girlfriend. I'm not sure it's very fair to expect your other dd to now have to punish him and accept the blame for doing it with no one being allowed to know why.

It would be entirely different if this man were on your side of the family or if it were common knowledge or if he had been charged.

Lollypop701 · 01/04/2019 20:43

What a truly awful situation. I have to say if someone had sent nudes of my ds I wouldn’t be in the same room as them, never mind rape. So I think your option is a fair compromise op. If your older daughter chooses to invite him, and effectively disregard her ds, advise her never to be alone with him, or any child she may have.

Dippypippy1980 · 01/04/2019 20:44

While your older daughter be happy for any children she has to be in this man’s company? He will be their uncle if he stays with the SIL?

I would never allow this man to set eyes on my child. Has your daughter thought this through?

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 20:45

I actually think your elder dd is a bit of an asshole in this picture.
FWIW - my mother had a lot of contact with the man who attempted to assault me as a 7 year old - when I was 18, they had both separated from my Dad in my case and his sister in my abusers case. They seemed to bond over that. This is the mother who forbade me from staying at this man's house due to the attempted assault. She then found him to be a confidante and I have never ever ever forgiven her. To me she is scum - seeking solace in a fucking paedophile.

Your younger dd is very definitely the one who needs support here. If your elder one wants to have rapists at her wedding - off with her - she can do so. But as a mother I would not be supporting it.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 01/04/2019 20:45

I am really struggling to understand how your older daughter could do this to her sister.

She not doing anything - shes getting married and her future husband (and in laws) also have a 50% voice on invitations.

Stop blaming the older sister. She is not the one at fault here.

purpleboy · 01/04/2019 20:45

I would stick by your younger daughter, she needs you the most here.
Do the girls not talk at all?
If this man wasn't going would your younger dd be invited?

StarJumpsandaHalf · 01/04/2019 20:45

your poor older DD will have a terrible day explaining over and over why the mother of the bride isn’t present.

I don't think it's that, I think it's preserving a life long relationship with the older DD.

This is awfully complex and not of your making (the DDs and you OP)
I wouldn't want him to spoil my day or my elder DD's but I wouldn't want my other DD to feel betrayed by me. Does she see you're between the rock and hard place?

I would be unhappy about the socialising and social media pictures though and am also conflicted by the future SIL's personal situation with this man. You can't legislate for everyone's happiness though.

Reallyevilmuffin · 01/04/2019 20:45

Plan to go. Break down on the day or some other seeming act of God... Youngest knows this plan ahead of time ;)

BasiliskStare · 01/04/2019 20:46

@Iaminiminatble He isn't really close family is he - I think just do not extend the invitation if your eldest could understand that. Otherwise I would turn up v shortly for older dd for the ceremony & younger sister will not go if he is there. A wedding is one day - but if this man did what you say I would not stick around nor ask younger DD to go. Ask younger DD if she could not cut you off it you turn up for the actual wedding but then go home ASAP. Also vice versa - could older DD understand this is a very sticky situation ( understatement) which could be by passed if SIL's partner weren't invited. Could he go to the after stuff but not the wedding and you and younger DD go to the wedding things but not the afterwards party. Sorry I have probably explained that v badly

Original poster
IAmInimitable · 01/04/2019 20:46

@NWQM this is what I initially thought- he has taken so much from us all that part of me doesn’t want him to have the power to make us unhappy .
However, the relationship between my daughters has reached total estrangement and I can’t see any way back for them.
If I was to go to the wedding and even if I ignored him it would be saying to my youngest I’m OK with what happened and that I didn’t believe her either - and I can’t do that.

OP posts:
AnnieMay100 · 01/04/2019 20:47

I’m sorry for what happened, but don’t let him cause anymore hurt. I wouldn’t miss my daughters wedding for the world no matter who was there as a guest. I’m sure you won’t come across each other and as it’s your daughters day focus on her and not the vile animal who hurt your youngest. Regardless of the ifs/buts of her choosing to have a rapist at her wedding, it would let the cat out of the bag if she had to explain why her own mother and sister didn’t come to her wedding. Your youngest needs to hold her head high and not let him hurt her anymore. Go to the wedding and be happy for your daughter, don’t give that monster a second thought you will regret letting him spoil the day.

YogaWannabe · 01/04/2019 20:47

Still with your youngest, it sounds like eldest has made her choice.
Such a sad situation

Zebra31 · 01/04/2019 20:48

PlainSpeaking. I will reiterate, I do not understand how she could do that to her sister. What kind of person would continue to socialise (which she has been prior to the wedding) with the man that raped her sister. It’s disgusting and the older sister should be ashamed of herself.