Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

Elder sister should not invite rapist to wedding.

I wouldnt want to be in the room as a man who circulated nudes of my DS fake or otherwise. The rape just makes it all the worst. I fact i wouldnt be socialising with my DS' ex at all unless she was explicitly happy about it.

But thats what loyalty looks like. You could do with reminding your Eldest DD

I actually think some family therapy sessions might help,
Because with this, they are never going to speak to each other for the rest of their lives as this goes.
So I would be very keen for them to really sit down and chat.

Sibling relationships are very complex. Without this added. how does your eldest dd generally feel about your youngest in general before the rape.

I’d 100% support your youngest daughter. All the way.

I think your eldest is too concerned about pleasing her fiancé and fitting in with his family.

I could never even be in the same place as some one who raped a family member of mine let alone family pictures!

The fact your eldest is accusing your youngest bf of turning her in to a victim shows she doesn’t believe her.

Your eldest needs to be ashamed of herself.

Elder sister should not invite rapist to wedding.

But the groom can invite his sister - who is a bridesmaid - partner

You are in an impossible position and I really feel for you.

If it was me, i would go to the wedding ceremony, be it in Church or Registry Office, then leave. Let your eldest daughter save face (whether she deserves to or not), by being able to say you left after the ceremony due to illness/emergency whatever lie she wants.
Its not a perfect plan, but its the closest you will come to retaining a relationship with them both i think.

Good luck

And I agree with the majority - the victim is the one who needs you most

No. If my mother went to a wedding where my rapist was present - she could fuck right off.

Support your youngest. Your eldest is being unreasonable, I can’t believe she is putting this man before her sister

I couldn't go. I just couldn't. I also can't imagine inviting anyone to my wedding who I believed was a rapist, no matter who they had raped.

I would also question why the hell your in laws are so happy to ignore what has happened to your dd with the rumours and the nude photos. What kind of family must they be? Your dd is marrying into some very suspect morally deficient family relations.

Really it is up to your eldest dd to address this. It is her wedding, and if she is uncomfortable then given what’s happened she could easily say he isn’t invited.

But it doesn’t sound like she wants to stand up for her sister or rock the boat, which is even worse for your youngest dd.

So only the truth will do. Your eldest needs to know (even in absolute confidence) You can’t hide something of this magnitude.

At the very least your eldest dd will understand why you can’t possibly go.

An awful situation OP. My sympathy is with you and your youngest DD. I cannot see how your elder DD can expect you to attend the wedding with the rapist in attendence. Will you be expected to shake his hand and thank him for coming? She is living in cloud cuckoo land and, it seems to me, she doesn't believe her sister.

Its not an impossible situation.

Its about having an ounce of care or decency for the person you grew up with.

You dont spend time with people who hurt people you care about.

I think it’s unforgivable that your eldest is socialising with this man let alone inviting him to her wedding at the cost of not having her own sister and mother there. She clearly doesn’t believe her sister and has no respect for her or for you. She would rather not have you there than upset her fiancé’s side of the family.

However if I were in your position I would go to the church/registry office, stand at the back just to see the ceremony and then leave.

I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t be able to prevent myself from speaking my mind at the wedding. I could not sit in a room with a man I know raped my sister/daughter and play happy families.

I’ve cut family off in the past, there are red lines, lines of morality that I can not blur because of blood ties. You have to be able to live with the decisions you make in life. The easiest thing would be to persuade your youngest to let you to go to the wedding and pretend like nothing happened. That way only one loser, the original loser, the victim. Or you could take the difficult path and inform your eldest that you won’t be going, and wish her well for her wedding and future but she’s shown by her actions what she believes and how much she values her sibling. Deep down your eldest will know you are right, it just makes things awkward for her and her dream wedding. But that’s what you get for choosing to associate with rapists. It’s up to her if she wants to throw the baby out with the bath water. If anyone asks why you didn’t go, just explain you love your daughter and son-in-law but you had an issue with one of the guests and felt you couldn’t attend.

Unfortunately like some children feel they can’t invite both parents to their wedding it happens. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You could celebrate their wedding in a different way at a different time.

FWIW - and I will be shouted down - I think your younger daughter has the choice whether to go or not, but she has absolutely no right to ask you to damage your relationship with your older daughter.

I'm not a lover of the old 'write a letter solution' but in this instance, a letter laying out all the scenarios, and YOUR feelings too, and send it to both - and I'd hope your younger daughter would see shes actually asking too much. I don't envy your choice

The above post is complete victim blaming. Do you have any idea what it is like to be raped to be judged, to feel like you’re not believed or you deserved what happened? The younger sister of course will be distraught with having her rapist at her sisters wedding, her sister has brushed what happened and her family are expected to attend as if nothing happened here have a there’s some digusting things posted but this was vile.

Op I don’t blame you for not wanting to go. The priority is you’re youngest daughter and ensuring her mental health isn’t damanged which I think will if you attend. I had something happen to me when I was younger and I would have be distraught had been put in such a situation as the one you and you’re dd describe.

The fiancé's family sound utterly awful and I'd not want to be involved with any of them. I've been date raped and you do behave strangely afterwards. It's so shocking to have it happen it's natural to try at first to pretend nothing happened.

I wouldn't go and I'd tell the eldest dd exactly why - because her fiancés family and her are awful to prioritise a rapist over your youngest daughter.

Out of curiosity, what will happen if your oldest DD has children and this man is invited to events like their children's birthday parties? You might be missing out on a lot - if your DD doesn't cut you out of her life for this. I'm not sure I could cope with my mother not attending my wedding personally. Both daughters are stuck in a hard place, and you're in the middle of that.

Or you could take the difficult path and inform your eldest that you won’t be going, and wish her well for her wedding and future but she’s shown by her actions what she believes and how much she values her sibling

I dont think id even find this hard. Id be too disgusted by her behaviour myself

I understand that it makes it so much harder that my youngest doesn’t want the rape mentioned to SIL, but this man is a vile human being who is more than capable of causing my youngest and her bf more trouble.

I think that the danger of the ultimatums - I won't go if he's going - is that the truth might well come out and what your youngest dd is trying to avoid will end up happening.

Would you expect your dd to not invite this man if eg it meant that all of the fiancee's family refused to go to the wedding? If the wedding was called off over it? How much do you want your older dd to give up in support of her sister?

I didn’t go through secual abuse but I did live through years of physical and emotional abuse, and it wasn’t until years later that what had happened to me hit me and I started having problems with nightmares and stuff and mental health problems so I understand why the younger daughter would act normal around the rapist - when you are in a situation where you cannot remove yourself from that person you compartmentalise it and then when you have space away it all comes out in the end. Why not ask your younger daughter if she would be comfortable with you hosting your elder daughter her husband and maybe his parents for a dinner all together so you can celebrate their marriage without that person there - I think you should stand firmly on the side of the younger daughter- attending the wedding can only add to her traumatic experience where as there is no traumatic experience to compound and make worse on the part of the older sister (sorry if this makes 0 sense xx)

Totally agree you need to support younger DD and not go to wedding.
I would ask DD to think seriously about whether this is a family she should marry into. I'm not putting blame at door of her fiancé but if he's not strong enough now to deal with his family over this he may not be able to stop access to any future daughters

Neither would I great eggs but clearly OP is having difficulty reading her moral compass.

How awful!!!!

I think you should go to the ceremony to show your eldest daughter that you love and support her.

Do not stay for the photos and socializing so that you can show your youngest daughter that you love and support her.

Out of curiosity, what will happen if your oldest DD has children and this man is invited to events like their children's birthday parties? You might be missing out on a lot - if your DD doesn't cut you out of her life for this.

What happens if the youngest has children and can’t forgive her mother for siding with daughter who is NOT the victim in this.

What happens if the OP goes to the wedding, her youngest can’t forgive her and the oldest ends up getting divorced later. It will all have been for nothing.