Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to daughters wedding

371 replies

IAmInimitable · 01/04/2019 19:59

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

OP posts:
Mouikey · 01/04/2019 20:48

Whilst this is so complex, it’s also incredibly simple. It’s not about your eldest daughter - the question you need to ask is can you really be in the same room as the person accused of raping your youngest?

I wouldn’t be able to without doing or saying something (which in turn would have an impact on your eldest). It would be incredibly sad if your eldest couldn’t understand this, and clearly she is more worried about the fall out if sil bf is not invited rather than if you don’t attend - weird (especially given the background).

BumbleBeee69 · 01/04/2019 20:49

I personally wouldn't give this 'person' carte blanche to attend the Wedding, I'd be there in the fuckers face enjoying my sisters Wedding OP, you need to stand strong together as a family.

Good luck in whatever you and your daughter decide OP. Flowers

FlippinNora1 · 01/04/2019 20:49

It sounds like your eldest DD doesn’t actually believe your youngest DD was raped by this man. Otherwise surely she’d want to skin him alive? I’m pretty sure that’s how me and my sisters would react in that situation. Not invite him to our wedding!

Speak to your eldest DD again. Explain the horror of it and how you are now stuck wanting to support both of them without being able to? It sounds like she has buried her head in the sand and isn’t treating it as something serious.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 01/04/2019 20:49

I would never allow such a man to attend my wedding, even if it meant I couldn’t have a wedding.

Please do everything in your power to make your younger daughter feel heard and supported. Even if it means not attending the wedding.

onlyk · 01/04/2019 20:50

I wouldn’t go.

You’re daughter is inviting her sisters rapist to her wedding.

If you go you are condoning the above.

I would hope that faced with the risk of not only having her sister not there but her mum that your oldest daughter may come to her senses.

Iltavilli · 01/04/2019 20:50

Older DD is in no way to blame, but she’s also making poor choices. Her sister has had a brutal experience and needs her support. Knowing what happened and expecting you to attend / still socialising with this person is awful behaviour.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 20:50

No, you definitely can not betray your youngest. Her dsis is doing that already. Don't add her own mother in.

ijustdontunderstandher · 01/04/2019 20:51

Do the in laws know about the actual rape, OP. Because I can understand from your eldest DD’s POV it may be a difficult situation, if, from what’s I gather, your younger DD doesn’t want people to know about the rape. Your DD1 probably doesn’t know how to stop being friendly with this man, without telling people about what happened, against her sisters wishes.

You’ve probably tried it, but is there no way all 3 of you could sit down and discuss it all. Maybe even with her fiancé, as he gets more of a day over his family coming?

Stephen11 · 01/04/2019 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iltavilli · 01/04/2019 20:52

Can you clarify why you older DD believes her future husband’s sister and her choice of partner, get priority over her own sister?

S1naidSucks · 01/04/2019 20:52

At the end of the day, your oldest daughter can choose whether or not she has this man at her wedding.

Your youngest daughter did not choose to be raped and can not now choose to be ‘unraped’.

Dippypippy1980 · 01/04/2019 20:53

Your not going to the wedding then, you have made your decision.

And of it is of any help, I totally agree.

IT is disappointing that your elder daughter and her fiancé haven’t taken a stand against this man. I hope they protect any future children they have.

LordVoldetort · 01/04/2019 20:53

Absolutely do not go to the wedding if this man is going. Your older daughter may stop talking to you (and I know this sounds flippant but I do understand how hard the situation is) but your younger daughter was raped, I couldn’t imagine spending even a second in the person company. If you go to the wedding you are effectively ignoring what he did to your daughter (again I realise that this if flippant but it’s not)

I really feel for you as this is a shitty situation for you to be in!

Serin · 01/04/2019 20:54

What a bastard.

I'm not blaming your older DD but hell would freeze over before I would have anything at all to do with a man who had raped my sister.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 20:54

Your elder dd doesn't sound like she'll miss either of your presences - she has fully subscribed to her OH's family. Off fucking with her. Let her go crying to her MIL when her dd is raped.

Evilspiritgin · 01/04/2019 20:55

Surely your younger daughter knows you’re not picking sides if you go to the wedding?

I feel for the bride in this as well, mind you if my fiancé was told my sister was raped by his sisters boyfriend I would expect him to warn his sister about him

LittleChristmasMouse · 01/04/2019 20:55

If I was to go to the wedding and even if I ignored him it would be saying to my youngest I’m OK with what happened and that I didn’t believe her either - and I can’t do that.

Would it though? Surely you are going to see your dd and her fiancee get married, which is nothing to do with this man other than he will be a guest there.

How do you and your youngest dd expect him to be uninvited? How can she explain that to the in laws? Does anyone know about the rumours and what they were?

I think you are expecting a lot from your older dd. Basically you are asking her and her husband to shun any contact with his family in case this man might be present but not allowing them to explain why. This could split their marriage up and neither of them are responsible for what he did.

Do you really expect them to say "X can't come to the wedding nor be at any future events but we can't tell you why"?

ImNotTheDramaLlamaHere · 01/04/2019 20:56

I would absolutely stand by youngest dd in this. Gobsmacked that your eldest dd would have anything to do with her sisters RAPIST let alone be friendly with him!
I'd report him to the police yourself, he can't get away with it!

Winebottle · 01/04/2019 20:56

I think you are putting your daughter in awkward position by expecting her to cut off relations based on accusations which you are not willing to make publicly. Why should she have to keep this secret?

She would have to tell her husband the reason his family are not invited and from his point of view, it could just be rumours or meddling in laws.

If you are not willing to make the accusations publicly, I think you have to accept that he will be invited. If not seeing him is more important then being at your daughters wedding and having a good relationship with her then don't go but I wouldn't do it out of solidarity with the younger daughter or as a bluff to get him uninvited.

ImNotTheDramaLlamaHere · 01/04/2019 20:57

And bugger to what the village thinks, idle gossip like that isn't worth listening to!
The police will take it very seriously.

DishingOutDone · 01/04/2019 20:58

I am really struggling to understand how your older daughter could do this to her sister

I'm also fucking agog at the poster above who suggests that the victim just really needs to hold her head high ... yeah because that will make it better.

OP would it help to talk this through with a counsellor? Either for you or DD? I don't think any charity or group that supports rape victims would say yeah go to the wedding its not your oldest DD's fault Hmm but they might have a view and be able to help you work through this.

And then don't go to the wedding. My heart goes out to you both.

Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 21:00

Rape is complex and not complex in so many ways.

I think the main questions are:

Does your eldest believe your younger dd

Does the SIL know of the rape, and does she believe it.

If most people just think your younger dd ended up having sex with someone she then said raped her, how do you feel about their feelings on this.

Also sibling relationships are very complex.

I would honestly sit down with your elder dd and have a very frank conversation with her about how she feels about it all. If she’s super happy atm then she’s likely to want to believe that it didn’t happen the way your younger dd said.

So I think that conversation is the absolute key in this. For you to have a proper one to one as a mother, try and understand where your eldest dd is coming from, only to try and help her understand the true depths of it. She’s very happy, and no one really wants to burst their own happy bubble, especially if one could have a tiny bit of doubt.

It’s alll so loaded so you have to tread very carefully.

I understand why your young dd doesn’t want to go to the police, and if I am going to be honest having been in the same situation as her as a young woman, I actually think his “revenge” accusations and fake nudes are slightly more vile.

Don’t flame me for that, but when it happened to me, if I thought the person would assassinate my personality after would have been much harder for some reason.

LOTR · 01/04/2019 21:00

This is awful. Depending on the wedding type/location is it possible for your elder daughter to limit invites on the basis of capacity? Or can she ask BIL to do a job which will keep him out of the way? Chauffeur to elderly relative etc.

That way you could attend the ceremony and hopefully wouldn't see him much and doesn't force your elder daughter to mess up her in law relationships, especially as she can't give a reason.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 21:01

I'm glad you have asked OP, but I suspect I know that you are going to go to the wedding because you don't actually believe your younger dd either, do you?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 01/04/2019 21:01

Omg Theres is no way I'd go to the wedding. I'd be disgusted at my elder DD not having any respect for her sister.

Your eldest DD has basically said she cares more for the feelings of her in laws than she does for her existing family.