Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

@ImNotTheDramaLlamaHere
No they really probably won’t. Back in the real world.

Surely the elder daughter has supported her sister by not telling everyone what this man has done, in accordance with her sister's wishes?

It's put the older daughter in a very difficult situation going forward, in having to socialise with him, not telling her sil about the man she is marrying, what happens if dd has children but she's done as her sister has asked.

@Iltavilli it’s complicated. Eldest just can’t get over the fact the youngest acted ‘normally’ round this man after it happened. I’ve had long discussions about acquaintance rape and my youngest has also tried to explain what happened, why she reacted like she did and how she came to be able to talk about it.

However eldest DD also truly believes that the youngest’s bf has turned youngest DD into a ‘victim’ and that she’d be over it by now and carrying on as normal. So that hasn’t helped at all.

Eldest genuinely feels she is in the most difficult position in not wanting to deny her fiancé access to family events.

@CosISaid
I’m really sorry this happened to you and no one including your mother believed you. That must be very tough

Your poor younger dd. Her sister is not only being appallingly selfish but you, as her mother, should be ashamed of yourself for even considering that her actions are justified.

YOUR DAUGHTER WAS RAPED.

Don’t you understand what a life changing trauma that is?

It trumps a wedding for fucks sake. You need to take a good hard look at yourself if you honestly are torn about making the decision as to whether to support your eldest dd’s awful abandonment of her sister or supporting your child WHO WAS RAPED.

FFS. What is wrong with some people?

Your oldest daughter sounds like she wants her happy ever after at all costs, even if that means throwing her sister under the bus. If she has any decency she will disinvite him based on the rumours he has spread if nothing more.

This

So basically they’re all putting the feelings of the sil over a rape victim. I bet if it was the fiancés family and this happened to the sil they wouldn’t stay “neutral”. Fuck that if I was the older dd I’d be like yeah sil sorry but your dp can’t come cus he spread rumours and it’s my sister and that’s mega awkward.
Then I’d be like to my inlaws if they made comments get over it come don’t come do what you want but I “don’t know” your dp that well. And my sister means more to me than your dd’s partner.
I think it’s a betrayal of your youngest dd she was a victim and should be believed

Ask your elder dd whether she'd allow said cunt to babysit her baby girl?

I've always said that rape is the fucking cunting bastarding crime that keeps on giving.

If she is happy for her future dd to be left alone with her aunt and uncle, she's as thick as two planks. If she's not - why? Your eldest dd sounds like she'll have a good day. Your younger dd will be destroyed.

eldest DD also truly believes that the youngest’s bf has turned youngest DD into a ‘victim’ and that she’d be over it by now and carrying on as normal.

If course she does. Absolves herself of any responsibility for the hurt she is actively causing and the damage she is doing to relationships.

She needs to step up and behave like a proper big sister

I would want to see my daughter get married, but I wouldn't want to hang around after for the social side of it with him there, because I'd just want to stab him with the cake knife.

Taking both of your DDs feelings out of the equation, do you want to be in the same room as this man for an entire day?

Can you honestly imagine having to speak/be civil/engage in conversation with him? And watch him having a great time without a care in the world?

I couldn't.

I think your eldest is sadly prioritising her new family over her sister. I think you should all boycott it, to be honest. It's really cruel of her .

Your elder dd has a choice. Invite her SIL's partner, or invite her DSIS and Mum.
She's a cunt if she has chosen the former given that she knows he has raped her sister.

Not sure if anyone else has mentioned it. But op your dd can report it to the police just so it’s on their records. It won’t be taken any further if she doesn’t want it to. But if god forbid he does this again and that person reports it they will see he has a file.
It must be absolutely agonising for your op. But I’ve got to mention that it’s very sad that your eldest is choosing to ignore the fact that a man attending her wedding has actually raped her younger sister.
So maybe it’s a case where she doesn’t believe what happened to her ?
If it was me. I wouldn’t attend. Even if it meant not talking to her. I don’t think I could be in the same room as a person who raped my child.

To be fair if the in laws knew what had happened they might have strung this man up from the nearest lamp post. The fact is that none of them do know because the youngest dd wants it kept secret.

How would any of you react if your sister said that your partner couldn't come to her wedding but wouldn't give a reason? It will cause an almighty argument and possibly cause a rift between the groom and his family. How would your youngest dd feel if this all came out in the course of an argument OP because I can see that as a possibility if it keeps being pushed.

Well I take it your eldest is not that old?
Jesus people, don’t start demonising the eldest dd.
This is how rapists just get away with everything, all of a sudden it’s not about the rapist but the bloody people who react to it.

It is very very hard to be insightful enough to understand the subtle nuances of behaviour after something traumatic has happened. Why do you think people always used to think abused children who play up are just naughty, or kids with asd are just disruptive.

Nothing in life is simple. We ALL of us judge on a daily basis, and if we find our tribe then we go with the crowd.

Or maybe sister knows that if she tells family (which I think she should do) that it’s going to bring a shitstorm for her sister

Just to clarify. Fiancé told SIL about the rumours the man spread about my youngest daughter but she didn’t want to hear it. He denied he did anything and she believed him. The in laws were told ALL the details just so they understood what kind of man the SIL was involved with. They say he makes her happy so have decided to do nothing because they don’t know my youngest daughter so, in their words “why should we believe her?”

I understand that it makes it so much harder that my youngest doesn’t want the rape mentioned to SIL, but this man is a vile human being who is more than capable of causing my youngest and her bf more trouble.

Can you just go to the wedding, and then not stay for any of the festivities afterwards? At least you will see your dd get married the, she her in her dress etc. Or help her to prepare for the big day, then bow out gracefully (feign a migraine,/vomiting etc if you need an excuse).

Op your eldest dd needs to be told that the man that circulated nude photos (even fabricated) is not welcome at the wedding.

Does your eldest dd know the truth about the rape? If she doesn’t then I would absolutely tell her the truth. Let her make the decision about the wedding.

I would say you can’t possibly go to the wedding as much as you love her if he is there. Your eldest dd then has the choice.

I also wonder whether SIL should know the kind of man she is with op? For her own safety. Why is everyone going along with the vow of silence. This man has raped a young woman. Yes the whole town may be talking for a few weeks but what is more important?

My heart goes out to your youngest dd.

You need to talk honestly and openly with your eldest dd as a starting point, even to prevent even more secrets, lies and fracturing in your family. Your eldest dd needs to be made to understand the huge impact of the rape and the dreadful choice you all face.

Eldest Dd isn’t denying her own fiancé access to family events, you’ve highlighted she and her fiancé are attending events with the rapist.

Her wedding is a family event which she is denying access to her own family so that instead she can invite a rapist!!!!!

To highlight what’s been said before if you go you’re condoning her behaviour and probably also confirming for a lot of people that you don’t believe your youngest daughter either.

Frankly if i was the youngest DD i would go non contact with any family that went to the wedding. Its probably finished the sibling relationship that your eldest is even considering it.

"Out of respect for my DS i wont have x at my wedding. Im sorry its not open for discussion" job done

Or maybe elder dd doesn't give a shit and would rather have the rapist there than her own mother and sister.
Elder sister sounds like a right sort.

What a horrible position to be in but I totally agree that you need to put your your youngest daughter first and not go to the wedding if that man is there.

Your eldest will probably be distraught but hopefully eventually come round.

And as we all know on MN a man like that will not be able to hide his true colours for long and poor SIL will find out, and you'll get your eldest back.

I can't imagine they've been going out together very long?

Please don't go to the wedding. It's just a party; it's just froth. Support your youngest daughter.

You are far more likely to be able to rebuild a relationship with your older daughter if all you've done is miss her celebration, with good reason, than be able to repair this kind of betrayal of your younger daughter. Show her you believe her, you support her, and you will side with her, no matter what.

LittleChristmasMouse the sister could easily state the nudes and rumours are the reason for not inviting him.

Given that the her eldest and fiance have already told his parents about those at least this is more than enough to justify saying the man isn't welcome.

Very bizarre of the in-laws. Even if they only believed your DD had had sex with him rather than that he raped her, why would they think a man that cheated on their family member (the SIL) was good for her??