Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

@Springwalk I think it all boils down to they don't believe her.

The sister doesn't believe her and neither do the others. It's no wonder rape victims don't speak up more. The victims sister doesn't believe her, I don't think the SIL's family do or they don't care.

I bet if it did come out then the rapist would be able to turn everything onto her, maybe something like it's her way of getting back at him for the rumours. No wonder she doesn't want to speak up.

It's absolutely disgusting. I feel so so sorry for the victim of this violent attack, she's been put through hell and still going through it.

Er, because the groom is happy for his sister to go out with a rapist

How can you know this? For all you know he is desperate to tell his sister but isn't doing so because he is doing what the sister in law has asked.

The groom has a wealth of reasons not to welcome the rapist into their lives, the nude photos posted on the internet (there is proof in the photos) and the nasty rumours would more than suffice to any normal functioning human being.

Did the OP say the (fake) nudes were posted on line? Do we even know that there is proof of this so that people can show the groom's sister? So that they can show her evidence that leaves her in no doubt?

If someone were to tell me, without evidence, that my husband had done something like that I wouldn't believe them because the man that I know wouldn't do it. I don't find it unreasonable that the groom's sister feels like that meaning that the groom has to live with the knowledge that his sister is dating this man and he can't do anything about it. Maybe that is why he refuses to ostracise his sister - because he doesn't want her isolated with this man?

Why would you care about the other side of the family,

Because this is her soon to be husband's family and the rapist isn't one of the family. If my husband basically told me that I couldn't socialise with my family then I wouldn't be with him. I really fail to see why the bride (and groom's) life has to be destroyed because of this man? They have no control over what he does nor what her sister does and yet seemingly their lives are being controlled by the 2 of them.

If the bride's mother and sister are truly happier for her to split up from her husband then actually I think the bride probably is better off cutting contact with them.

If things were different ie the man had been charged and everyone knew and yet the bride was still socialising with him and he was still invited to the wedding then my view would be different and I would agree with you, but in this set of circumstances I don't think the sister is giving them much choice. You say yourself Springwalk that you would break the victim's confidence and tell the man's partner yet you are condemning the bride for inviting him to the wedding? The sister is desperate to shield herself from more pain by refusing to report the rape and by demanding to keep it a secret to avoid vengeance by the rapist and judgement from the village (which the b and g are abiding by despite it putting the sister in law in danger and causing them heartache over their wedding) yet you would tell people but that isn't as bad as tolerating the man at their wedding, possibly to maintain the sister's privacy?

You seem to lack the ability to understand the gravity of what has happened.

No I don't, at all. You seem happy to break the victim's confidence by telling the girlfriend what has happened. How would that be ok?

Maybe you are all right. Maybe the bride and groom don't believe the sister and only care about the wedding

OR

They believe the sister. They understand that she fears reprisal from this man and they respect her need for it to be kept secret. They understand that they can't uninvite this man because in doing so they will be kicking the hornets nest. The sister in law will be demanding to know why her boyfriend can't come, no doubt other people will wade in and their is a big risk that the truth will out, betraying the bride's sister. Likewise if the bride's parents don't go to the wedding. Maybe the groom is also afraid (knowing what this man is really like) of his sister going nc with her family over this and then being isolated with this man. That's what abusive men do isn't it? They split women from their friends and family. Perhaps he is just trying to keep close to his sister as his only way to protect her (given he isn't allowed to tell the truth)?

I don't get why me saying this is supporting the rapist or disbelieving the sister?

The sister has made some decisions that she believes are right for her. The fact is though that those choices have a knock on effect eg her sister is marrying into the family where a rapist is present and the groom's sister is at risk, being in a relationship with a rapist. Everyone now has to negotiate the reality of that situation.

If this were me in this situation I would be very torn over what to do. I would find it very difficult to know that the girlfriend was in such a dangerous situation and I'm not sure that I could live with that though I would also be desperate to protect my sister. Everyone that knows about this man has been placed in an impossible situation. He has got away scott free and everyone else is suffering for what he did.

WhenISnappedAndFarted I couldn't agree more.

little You lost me on the second sentence of your long and tedious post. I have nothing more to say to you.

Springwalk

I shall be sure to extend the same courtesy to you and not read any of your posts.

Strange how you are quick to criticise everyone else whilst at the same time happy to betray the confidence of a woman that has been raped and think that ok?

Just as a note here, the youngest sister had said she didn't want anyone to know but she is not the one who decided not to tell the SIL.

The eldest and her fiance told his parents (despite the sisters wish to not tell anyone) and his parents decided not to tell the SIL .

The groom isnt keeping this a secret out of respect to the victim or because she "forbade" him - the sil in law hasn't been told because the PIL decided they had never seen her so happy and didn't want to rock that boat.

The thing is you assume it's reasonable to disbelieve the younger sister over fake nudes and rumours, but somehow assume that everyone will believe(and some already do) her and play ball if they knew about the rape. It makes no sense.

I wouldn’t be suggesting to your DD1 that you don’t go to the wedding. I would sit down with DD1 & fiancé and tell them that you can’t be in the same room as the man who raped & spread rumours about one of your children. That you will compromise by leaving after the reception if they would rather have him than you at the evening do. If they say it’s their choice to invite him, then tell them if you see him there you wont be able to stop yourself & will denounce him publicly. You need to make them believe that you would do this.

What other members of your DD’s family are likely to be going? Do any of them know what happened, if you didn’t go what would give to them as your reason?

OP I would write a letter to both your DDs explaining the problem and any solutions you can see.

Going to the wedding ceremony to support elder DD and leaving thereafter so you don't have to socialise would be an option. Making sure you are only in photographs with bride and groom and his parents.

Your absence at the reception will still mean a buzz which you'll have to ask your elder DD to deal with.

As PPs have asked, should your younger DD be in therapy? could you contact a crisis centre about this all?

@littlechristmasmouse, your post was great, a very insightful analysis

This man is a Predator, he sexually humiliates and assaults women, shouldn't everyone know about him, he deserves to be shunned at the very very least
How many other victims are there?

The abuser is now in a relationship with a woman, the parents of that woman know that he is abusive but they are not telling their daughter because they don't want to ruin her happiness?

If my daughter was a with a man that I knew to be abusive I would want to protect her from him

LittleChristmas I suspect you are a very good hearted person with a very kind outlook on people.

From my own personal experience of a similar situation I suspect that the Dd1 and her DH are in no such predicament that you suggest. I suspect that instead they are minimising the risk of the SILs DPs actions and suiting themselves best by making their lives easier by just accepting him into their lives.

My own personal experiences and reading the accounts of many, many other victims of abuse and rape and multiple discussions with various counsellors with tonnes of experience in this field has taught me that over and over and over again victims of sexual crime get revictimised by hosts of people willing to cover up for abusers and minimise their actions. When we read about things like this on an Internet forum every one is black and white about how they would respond to a similar situation however that very rarely translates into real life experiences for victims.

lazy The last time I checked kind people tend to understand the pain of rape and the do not minimise. Over and over again little has minimised the seriousness of rape by continually focusing on how put out the elder sister and groom will be, rather than focusing on the victim.

Little's posts are a great example of how some people minimise rape and the trauma that follows. Shocking to see this attitude on MN. Truly shocking.

Ofgs, I am not concerned about the bride and groom being put out and nor am I minimising the pain of rape.

I am saying, just maybe, they have been trying to keep the sister's secret (something which you yourself have said you wouldn't do. So you are ok with "outing" a victim of rape??).

I know, in my family, if the groom's sister's partner or the parents of the bride weren't at the wedding that people would be asking why. It would have been nigh on impossible to give a plausible explanation that didn't risk betraying the sister's secret.

If you don't think that matters then fine. I just don't see that everything that the sister wants can actually happen ie keeping the rape a secret and either the boyfriend or the bride's parents not attend the wedding.

I don't see how that equals me not believing her or being more concerned about inconvenience to the b and g.

little Not once did I say I would 'out' the survivor's secret, if you took the time to read my posts you would see all the way through that I would respect the choices of the survivor.

You have shown no compassion whatsoever for the woman that was raped. None. I think you are misguided rather than kind. I am out.

He does not need to break anyones confidence (although I absolutely would if my sister was going out with a rapist, for her own safety)

Actually @Springwalk yes you did say that you would.

I’m a bit bewildered by a lot of the posts on here. This man is a rapist. He’s an utter bastard and a dangerous one at that. There’s no way on God’s green earth I’d go to an event, any event, that he was attending - partly because I’d want to smash his teeth down his throat. I’m dismayed at your older daughter’s lack of empathy and support for her raped sister.
Sorry, OP, but I wouldn’t be going to any part of the wedding. It’s heartbreaking but your younger daughter needs to know her trauma is more significant than a family event, no matter how important.

little if my sister was going to be raped or abused by a man of course I would tell her.

I would not let her be raped and abused obviously.

You would have to be insane to allow that to happen.

However it would be on the complete understanding that it did not go any further. Given the gravity of a rape I could safely say this would be a non issue.This is not the same as telling all and sundry and/or reporting to the police.

Safe guarding another woman, especially one that is so closely related ought to the groom's highest priority for him, however as he does not believe the rape even happened and continues to socialise with the rapist so the idea the groom is protecting the secret is openly laughable. He does not care! If he did care and believe the rape happened, as a bare minimum the rapist would NOT be going to the wedding or out for dinner with them.

Please stop talking to me, you are coming across as pathological.

To begin with I thought that maybe DD1 felt her hands were tied if she wasn't allowed to explain why the SIL's partner wasn't invited, but then I thought fuck that - she KNOWS he raped her DSis, and that should be enough. He knows it too, so he doesn't need or warrant an explanation. The fact that she could bear him to be at her wedding is baffling to me.

Your DD is assuming that you'll happily come to her wedding and not confront her sister's rapist in front of all her guests. I couldn't promise that in your position.

Actually, with that in mind, I don't think you need to make a choice. She does.

That isn't what you said and you can't force another person to keep this quiet. Once you tell someone you have no control over who they tell.

The OP has already said that her dd fears reprisals which is 1 reason why she doesn't want anything said.