Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

Forgot the ? Sorry

plainspeaking you seem to have read some really strange things into the OPs post. First of all, nowhere does it suggest that the younger sister blames her older sister. Nor does it say that she is demanding anything of anyone other than that which she has every right to demand, the support and life of her family. This man RAPED HER. He wasn't mean to her. He RAPED HER. she does not have to demand anything but in all honesty, if my sister was willing to invite not only a RAPIST but a RAPIST WHO RAPED MY SISTER to a wedding in order to not upset her in-laws then there really yarn much of a sisterly relationship to begin with. Big sister is NOT in an awkward position. She's in a very clear cut position. Her future SIL is dating a RAPIST WHO RAPED HER SISTER. No ones feelings should come before the support and solidarity for the little sister. SIL doesn't get to think she's living in happy land and dh to be doesn't get to demand that everyone plays nice and FACILITATE A RAPIST. You seriously think there should even be a question of keeping everyone happy by shutting poor RAPED sister out? Sheesh what the hell is wrong with you????

I’m truly shocked that your eldest can bear to be in the same room as the man who raped her sister. That to me is unthinkable.

Irrespective of who her fiancé wants there, I couldn’t marry a man that would think it was acceptable.

I’m sorry for your situation.

Would you expect your dd to not invite this man if eg it meant that all of the fiancee's family refused to go to the wedding? If the wedding was called off over it?

Yes i would be fine with this. And for the nudes alone let alone the rape. Id expect my DC to look after each other. The truth isnt going to come out if no one shares it loyalty again.

But then i wouldnt be socialising with him in the first place, so boundaries wpuld already have been well established

@Fucket
Well that’s just as much victim blaming.
So it’s everyone else’s behaviour that’s blamed and no one really drilling down on what actually happened and how it affects relationships
Anyone who thinks this is a simple answer is a moron. Because it’s about lots and lots of things. As I said. Rape is simple and complex.

This isn't complicated at all.

The younger DD has been raped by an evil man, who the older DD is happy to spend time with because it's socially convenient for her.

Sod that shit.

The older DD has her 'new' family to support her (who frankly sound awful) - who does the younger DD have? I'm sorry, but I would side with the girl who's been raped every time over the girl who just wants to prance around in a nice dress having pretty photos taken.

I'm really angry on behalf of the younger DD that these conversations are even going on. She's been raped. Her mum and sister should be rallying around, not striking deals to spend time with her rapist.

If I were the younger DD in this scenario, I would have already cut off the mum and older DD for not fully supporting me.

The older DD's behaviour is appalling. I can't imagine ever putting my convenience above my sister's welfare.

there are red lines, lines of morality that I can not blur because of blood ties. You have to be able to live with the decisions you make in life.

Fantastic. That’s it in a nutshell. 👏🏼

Just trying to think of solutions in a non ideal situation... Could you speak to your younger daughter and tell her how you're feeling and your exact situation, that you do not want to go but do not want to choose between your daughters? tell your older daughter you will be there but be too ill (sickness bug, don't want to spread to anyone else) to go on the day? That way, your eldest still feels happy that you would be attending but can't help that you're not there, and essentially no feelings could be hurt.

I know that's probably a terrible idea and obviously it means lying, which could result in even more hurt if found out. but if it means it may keep your family together... Meh I don't know.

Maybe just be totally honest with both your daughters and ask them to decide what you should do?

@toucantoo
But the second main point in all of this is why the eldest sister doesn’t really believe it happened.
That’s what I would be wanting to get to the bottom of. Because that I. Itself is a complex issue.

I don't think i would be a good guest at a wedding where an invitee raped my daughter. So prob best all round i didn't go! I could not fake illness/emergency.

I want to say your eldest is in a tough situation, but with a younger sister myself over my dead body would i be in the same room as someone who did that to her. Were they close before this OP?

I wouldn’t be able to go, not because I would be supporting one child over the other, but because I’d want to rip his head off. I could not watch him socialise on my DD’s big day. I’d have to not go and I’d make it clear to DD1 why and how the ball is in her court. I can’t imagine at all how you’re feeling because I’m getting worked up enough reading the thread. I think the family counselling a pp mentioned could be a good idea.

Wow. for your younger daughter.

OP your older daughter is just plain nasty. She knows this man hurt her sister regardless of if she believes she was raped or not, she knows that he spread rumours about her? It's pretty easy to confirm this just by asking around.

This is going to blow up in your oldest daughter's face. The in laws do not respect your family because they do not believe your younger daughter, and in extension of that they do not respect your older daughter. You need to give her some hard truths. When/if she gets pregnant, her in laws will make her life hell and will be fine with her being ditched. This family has no moral compass and your older daughter is joining a bunch of snakes. Really.

Also why would anyone want this guy around? If he's a rapist, who knows how far his perversion goes? No future grandchild of yours will ever be safe around him.

If I were in your shoes, I would give your oldest daughter an ultimatum. It's her wedding after all. Tell this guy he is not coming based on the fact that he spread rumours about your blood, or you're not going to this wedding. You do not want your daughter marrying in to this family anyways imo. There's no point to see a wedding when the marriage would be doomed since the in laws are disgusting.

Been thinking about this one.
Could you get someone to "have a little word" with the bastard.
Either he finds a reason to be too busy to attend the wedding that day, or you will ensure that the whole world (and possibly the Police) find out about him.

Acquaintance rape is not well understood by a lot of people so perhaps the new in laws don't entirely get it.

Your oldest daughter has had it all explained to her though so it's harder to see from her POV.

Could you speak to your younger daughter and tell her how you're feeling and your exact situation, that you do not want to go but do not want to choose between your daughters? tell your older daughter you will be there but be too ill (sickness bug, don't want to spread to anyone else) to go on the day?

And you will be lying at Christmas,
Grandchildrens Christenings. You will either be socialising long term with him or missing out on key moments.

Because the eldest DD shows not a shred of integrity of loyalty and would rather "keep the peace" than make a stand at the right time. Because the mum would rather keep the peace than do the right thing.

Its not hard and its not complicated. It disgusting and horrific that anyone could imagine it was. Its really simple. It starts with "Im not going in any room with a man who hurt my sister" and thats where it ends there is no discussion and no need for specific

I can see why the in-laws are not 100% in believing, he’s probably charmed them and they won’t want to believe it

It seems like your eldest DD does not believe her sister.
She needs to do some reading about acquaintance rape.
Its pretty poor that she has already been socialising with this man. It was unnecessary for her to do so. Her fiance could have just gone to his family events.

Now by socialising with this man she has made it very easy for the in laws to disbelieve your younger daughter and think that it is fine for him to be at the wedding. This should all have been stopped a long time ago.
Your eldest daughter should have been pulled up on her terrible behaviour. She is not in a bad position. It would have been relatively easy not to socialise with this rapist.

It seems to me that your eldest daughter is minimising the rape. If it had been rape with a violent assault by a stranger would she still invite the rapist to her wedding? Women react in different ways to being raped and it seems that your eldest thinks that as it was rape by an acquaintance and not a violent stranger and then your youngest daughter acted naturally around him afterwards then it probably wasn't so bad. That in itself is a fucking disgraceful way to react to the fact that her sister has been raped. The slut shaming afterwards would be enough of a reason for the rapist not to be invited. Your eldest daughter's in laws have made their choice and God help her in the future if they think that it's ok to minimise rape because they don't know the victim. He'll do it again, there's not much doubt about that, they always do. Stand by your youngest daughter Op she needs you more.

It’s not complicated!!!!!!!!!

NOT AT ALL

Your eldest dd has invited her sisters rapist to her wedding. A man that continued to abuse and taunt your dd afterwards.

What your eldest dd has done is totally unforgivable. Utterly unforgivable.
How can she possibly choose not to believe her sister, and invite her rapist to her wedding. It is beyond the very worst thing possible, no bloody wonder they are estranged.

I would tell my eldest dd in your position that I couldn’t be trusted not to smash in the face of the rapist, and so in order to avoid ruining the wedding you simply can not attend, and as she has decided inviting him is more important than having all of her family there, then you respect her decision as much as it hurts you all not to be there.

I am not sure I could stop myself in your position from telling her how deeply shocked I am that she has come to this conclusion about the rapist.

You can not possibly attend any part of the wedding with your dds rapist op.

Leave the ball firmly in your eldest dd court, she and she alone must make the decision and decide who is more important to her. Rapist or her mother, father and sister.

Op your eldest has made some truly terrible decisions, socialising with her sisters rapist is truly awful. She must now make the decision as to who comes to the wedding ( you both can’t go) and she has to live with the consequences.

Absolve yourself of the decision, and hand it to eldest, after all any decent sister would never ever have invited him in the first place.

I would predict sadly you might end up estranged from your eldest in any case.

She is willing to do this to her family to please her fiancé and his family, she has no loyalty to you all. She will always pick them.

I’d be ashamed of her, keeping the peace is often code for cowardice.

GreenEggsHamandChips

So you would potentially expect the older dd to give up her relationship in order to show support to her sister? Even though the dd has been put in an impossible situation by being forced to keep the secret?

Just say she does cancel her wedding - what if her younger sister then goes on to marry her bf and have a family etc? Is that ok when the older sister has given her relationship up?

I find that all quite strange. The dd made a decision not to report the rape and the consequence of that decision was that the rapist is free. She now doesn't want anyone to be told the truth but expects her sister and her mum to insist on things from another family, without allowing the truth to be told.

I think the younger dd does need to understand that she can make choices for herself but that she can't really insist that others do what she wants.

I don't think the older dd is to blame here. I don't think the younger dd is to blame. I think they are both trying to navigate their way through a truly shit situation. It probably would be easier for older dd to be able to tell everyone exactly why that man isn't welcome at her wedding but she appears to still be trying to follow her sister's wishes, even though she is being blamed for it all.

I can see a point where the truth comes out and then older dd and her husband will be blamed by sil and family for not telling her the truth, so they will be blamed by both families for trying to do what your dd wanted.

Your younger DD needs your support.
Your eldest is deluded.

Springwalk is spot on.

LittleChristmasMouse

Sils family know they don’t blame her what else is there she been ridiculed and scared of not being believed her sister socialising with her rapist and rumours were spread about her