AIBU to feel a little upset by this incident with partner...perspective needed

[Vebrb]

Recently we were driving to a family event. I don't drink, partner does so it made sense for me to drive (I offered). Also although I've been driving for a couple of years I've done very little motorway driving and want to increase this (route to the event was about a 50 min drive just over half of which was on motorway and not at a busy time so seemed a good opportunity).

I did have google maps on my phone to show the route but I don't find it great (I have got a proper satnav with lane assist but like a muppet I'd lent it to a friend and not got it back yet so phone it was). Foolishly I thought my partner would help me if I got confused.

Silly me.

Instead he was basically shouting at me...at one point we were turning right ahead but I wasnt sure which lane (roundabout and no road markings) he's bellowing turn right turn right...which fucking lane do you think?

Later I asked the speed limit (by this point was on a dual carriageway I'd looked for a sign but couldn't see one) so again hes like well what do you think it is, why are we telling you and so on...

When we arrived I missed the turning (dark country lane and I don't see well in the dark - I'm fine on roads with lighting etc I just couldn't see the turn) cue more shouting, ditto when we got to car park and I asked where to park - why was I asking, couldn't I work it out myself.

I only learnt to drive at his suggestion. He was really encouraging of me at the time and really patient but now it feels like he expects me to know it all and never ask anything. I don't expect constant advice (when I drive with one friend she's always telling me when to change lanes, turn etc which I don't need and find confusing) but I thought asking your partner for some help or advice if you weren't sure was ok. Aibu?

My OH gave me a few lessons when I was learning to drive, he was so impatient I couldn't think straight....it sounds like your partner is a bloody horrible passenger too.
Once he got so irate with me he told me to get out of the driving seat and he would drive us home..(about 5 miles) I was so annoyed I let him get out, locked the doors and drove home myself, silly I know, but he never shouted at me again.

OP, treat yourself to a few more lessons, preferably on motorways, just to give yourself confidence... and be reluctant to offer to drive him anywhere, sit back and let him drive in future.

Well I imagine that once the OP's partner started shouting at her she lost a lot of her confidence and that's when the mistakes started piling up.

Most new drivers lack confidence for a while and having someone putting you down and yelling at you about it isn't going to help.

I've been driving forever, but I will occasionally miss a turn or get into the wrong lane at a roundabout. Unlike some of the posters on here who clearly never make a mistake, most people get the odd thing wrong from time to time.

Try to get in some pass plus type lessons OP and do as much driving, on your own in as many different locations as you can so you can build up your confidence.

And don't lend your sat nav to anyone. My DD uses her phone instead of a sat nav and frankly it's not great.

Oh and don't offer to drive him anywhere. Let him drive and when he realises that means he can't drink he'll hopefully learn to have a bit more respect and patients.

He sound thoroughly unpleasant and a bit stupid if he thinks that the best way to get you to drive “correctly” is to shout at you while you are a bit confused. And this with your CHILDREN in the car? He was putting you all at risk. My DH and I often drive collaboratively when in an unfamiliar place, which means we sense check things like “I’m going into the far right lane now” or “it’s still a 50 limit here isn’t it?”. Neither of us offers unsolicited instructions or berates the other if we disagree with their judgment.
And I just KNEW he would be the type to drive aggressively himself when in a bad mood.

On a separate note, when you say you had Google Maps on, did you have the voice instructions activated? The voice will usually tell you, with plenty of warning, which lane to use. Don’t try to navigate solely by looking at a map on the screen until you are much more experienced. Just look at the road and listen to the voice. (And bring some gaffer tape for your DH’s mouth).

Finally, while people have been a bit harsh in some responses, all roads are designed so that a driver who knows the Highway Code can drive them even if they are not familiar with the area, so try to get out of the mindset that lack of familiarity is a problem. There must have been signs coming up to the roundabout, and the lane destinations would also have been painted on the road.

*Oops, that should be respect and patience, not patients; see some of us make mistakes in our typing as well.

OP, your husband sounds like a dick, and bad driver himself, but you are making too many excuses. Whether he is a dick or not is irrelevant to whether you have the competence to drive safely.

A safe driver notices and absorbs roadside information, knows which lane to be in approaching a roundabout, knows what the speed limit is, and remembers to use full beam on unlit roads. These things are all the responsibility of the driver and you need to take responsibility and stop relying on other people.

A safe driver may occasionally get lost or miss a turn, those things are not inherently unsafe, but they do not panic about it, or drive in a way that is unsuitable for the road conditions eg creating a tailback, which it sounds as if you were doing.

I echo pp, and think you need some refresher lessons...try booking them in the next town if you want to do them on unfamiliar roads. And get an eye test, because saying you missed the turn because you can't see at night is unacceptable.

I have checked the dual carriageway on google streetview and assuming streetview is correct there are no speed limit signs before the one I eventually saw which was about 2 miles after I joined the road. So I didn't miss a sign there wasnt one.

There also definitely were no markins on the lane at the roundabout. I know this because its one of the things I always look for on an unfamiliar roundabout.

I've never had an accident touch wood, not even a car park scrape. I have had near misses where drivers have pulled out in front of me but I always keep a safe distance and drive within the speed limit (until recently I had a telematics box in my car so couldn't exceed the speed limit without it affecting my premium) so I am clearly not that bad a driver. I do accept I can improve, but so can many people (my partner included who has had several fault accidents and speeding fines over the years)

Some roads and roundabouts are badly designed.

It's a similar urban area to where I live so I thought it was going to be less than 70. I would have stuck to 40-50 if I'd been alone. Partner told me it was 30 btw.

Lane confusion on roundabouts is something that happens to most of us. Some roundabouts are very confusing and inaccurately marked. Don't worry about that, you're going to get in the wrong lane from time to time. Just go around the roundabout again.

But the quote of yours I've highlighted, this is really something you should know or be able to work out from clues on the road. If it had been a 40 or a 50 then there would be regular reminders of the speed on signs along the road. If I was driving along an urban dual carriage way and I couldn't see any signs I would be going at 30.

How much driving do you do on your own?

No of course I didn't enjoy writing that post, but the OP asked and I gave my opinion as I feel strongly about road safety.

I do have sympathy for anyone who has been shouted at whilst driving but ultimately if you're the driver you're in control of the vehicle, not them.

Having such a careless attitude to driving & road safety is concerning. OP asked for perspective - so be less worried DH attitude and his driving skills & focus on your own. That's the real issue here. Refuse to have him in the car with you if that's what it takes to build confidence.

Aeroflot if you're put off driving by my comment on here then prepare yourself for a shock when you venture out into the real world.

I drive pretty much every day on my own and have since I passed my test. I would say 80% of my driving is done alone, maybe more.

He shouldn't have shouted but for someone who's supposed to have been driving for a couple of years your either need to have some more lessons and ask the instructor to help you figure out motorways or just concede that you're not made for driving.

I've never understood when people say they haven't done much motorway driving and need to practice, its just a bigger dual carriageway. If more lanes and more pressure makes you crumble, in my opinion you're not safe to be there.

Daisy - the issues I had were not on motorways if you read my posts.

People are so darn rude! Whenever I'm in a car with someone and they seem unsure I always help where i can including saying which lanes. Kindness costs nothing. What does getting angry in this situation achieve? Bring others up not down ffs

I think it was good you wanted to experience a different type of driving from the usual. However, I wonder if the pressure of an event was a good idea. There may have been stress getting ready. Then there is the getting there on time.

You OH shouldn’t have shouted but it can be annoying being asked things as a passenger. Where you constantly asking over things? If he wasn’t there you couldn’t have asked. You would have to make the decision yourself. Having someone there can make you indecisive.

If you want to go new places to gain experience to give you confidence that is great. However, two may not go hand in hand. If you want to go somewhere new it is probably a good idea to go with someone with patience and in situation without undue pressure. It would also help if you were making decisions and not looking for guidance unless it was really tricky.

Getting more experience will be helpful. There will be situations you come across that you have not encountered. That is the same for an experienced driver of thirty years. Confidence will be the difference. There will probably be a small percentage of drivers who will never be confident drivers.

I think the missing the turning is probably nothing to do with seeing in the dark. Things are different at night. I remember missing a hotel. In the light it was how did we miss that. Not about eyesight per say.

Daisy - the issues I had were not on motorways if you read my posts.

I read them.
Ok, I'll add a couple of things.

You say you need more practice on motorways. But you also appear to struggle with large roundabouts, road positioning in regards to lanes, speed limits and seeing in the dark.

The rest of the post still stands.

You specifically asked for perspective and countless people have given you that, and you're arguing with them.
The general consensus is that he was wrong to react that way but you're not exactly faultless.

The problem with refresher lessons is they'll be on roads I know ( and on those roads I'm fine) - I can't have a refresher on every road I might travel on. I can drive on our local dual carriageways. I actually feel happier about the motorway too now

Then get them to take you somewhere else.

The whole "I'm ok on roads I know" isn't a defense - the highway code is the same in Scotland as it is in Cornwall and everywhere in between with regards to things like lane discipline, speed limits etc.

The first thing I'd encourage you to do is refresh yourself on speed limits when there are no signs - what features make it a 30, 60 or 70mph limit. If it's any different, it will be clearly signed. On a 1.6 mile stretch of dual carriageway today I counted 26 speed limit signs telling me it was 40mph, not 70mph. It's made very clear if it isn't a national speed limit road.

Even on this thread people cant agree on what the speed limit must have been. Some have said it must be 60 or 70, others 30. Near me dual carriageways are 40 or 50, and sometimes 70. There are signs but depending on where you are they're not that frequent. And on the road I was on when driving with my partner, there don't appear to be any prior to the one I saw.

Anyway I don't need to justify myself and won't be any further. I'm not the greatest driver ever but I'm not bad. I drive on busy roads every day with no problem. I am a bit nervous of unfamiliar surroundings but I would rather that than be over confident, and now I feel mpre capable on motorways I will definitely do more practice on my own.

And to take a leaf out of others books, next time my partner shouts at me, I will stop the car (having pulled up in a safe place of course) and tell him to get out.

He shouldn't have shouted but I would suggest that you book a pass plus it advanced driving course to build confidence and improve your observational skills.

To be honest, I would have been panicking in your partner's shoes - nothing worse than being a passenger with a driver who doesn't know what they're doing.

If you are unsure/nervous you need to check routes/streetview etc. Before you leave so that you are confident about speed limits/lanes etc.

OP, I also live in an area where dual carriageways can vary between 30 and 70 mph. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be any consistency in the speed limits on them.

You were probably just panicking because you were tense with your husband being awful. I imagine if he wasn't in the car you would have been fine. Don't drive with him in the car anymore.