AIBU to feel a little upset by this incident with partner...perspective needed

[Vebrb]

Recently we were driving to a family event. I don't drink, partner does so it made sense for me to drive (I offered). Also although I've been driving for a couple of years I've done very little motorway driving and want to increase this (route to the event was about a 50 min drive just over half of which was on motorway and not at a busy time so seemed a good opportunity).

I did have google maps on my phone to show the route but I don't find it great (I have got a proper satnav with lane assist but like a muppet I'd lent it to a friend and not got it back yet so phone it was). Foolishly I thought my partner would help me if I got confused.

Silly me.

Instead he was basically shouting at me...at one point we were turning right ahead but I wasnt sure which lane (roundabout and no road markings) he's bellowing turn right turn right...which fucking lane do you think?

Later I asked the speed limit (by this point was on a dual carriageway I'd looked for a sign but couldn't see one) so again hes like well what do you think it is, why are we telling you and so on...

When we arrived I missed the turning (dark country lane and I don't see well in the dark - I'm fine on roads with lighting etc I just couldn't see the turn) cue more shouting, ditto when we got to car park and I asked where to park - why was I asking, couldn't I work it out myself.

I only learnt to drive at his suggestion. He was really encouraging of me at the time and really patient but now it feels like he expects me to know it all and never ask anything. I don't expect constant advice (when I drive with one friend she's always telling me when to change lanes, turn etc which I don't need and find confusing) but I thought asking your partner for some help or advice if you weren't sure was ok. Aibu?

Can I ask when exactly you went to the opticians for a full sight test? Because I passed the licence plate reading test during the driving test and managed to pass my test. A few months later I got a sight test and I actually had a very small prescription. -0.5. Nothing.

And yet the difference it makes is absolutely unbelievable. I thought it was normal to not see well in the dark, not be able to read far off signs etc. It isn’t! It’s amazing what you can see with corrected vision. The thing about eyesight is that it doesn’t get worse and you think “hm I can’t see”, you get used to seeing like that and don’t realise.

If it’s been more than 6 months please get a sight test.

Go out and get some practice. You missed the signs (there absolutely will be a sign as you approach that roundabout). You needed your full beam on and to know the speed limits. You say you were doing "lots of lane changing" during a motorway tailback and stop start traffic? That's not good either.

In fact each time you mention motorway driving you talk of lane changing. As if the more you lane change the better driver you are. Not the case.

Get some refresher lessons on unfamiliar roads and tell your husband to keep his mouth shut if you are driving if he can't speak to you without shouting.

You’re lacking in confidence and your DH bellowing orders at you won’t make you feel any better! Please make sure he never gets a career in the teaching profession and definitely not as a driving instructor . Patience is required with new drivers, I know you have been driving a while but not used to long distance so he shouldn’t have been so harsh.

I agree with a PP who suggested driving on the motorway alone a few times. I know it may seem daunting but you’ll find it easier than with that twerp beside you.

I don't think AIBU is always that helpful. You get a few helpful suggestions and information - which can be taken. But other people are as probably as bullying/unreasonable as your husband. You don't have to keep justifying yourself. It only encourages them.

I'd probably leave the thread now, in your shoes. There'll be one or two things you will probably want to do differently.

Any decent Mumsnetters will be sending you encouraging thoughts and wishing you well.

*him not home

He was being a knob.

But I have to say after that drive I’d be pretty frustrated that you then needed to be told where to park in a car park.

You need to get some more driving lessons and build your confidence. Parking in a car park shouldn’t be an actual issue. It really shouldn’t be something you need to ask for help with.

You don’t have to be a perfect driver but you do need to be a safe one! How do you think accidents happen? From people not driving safely!! They might well have had an argument in the car whilst driving, or they could have been distracted by their thoughts if they’re stressed or going through a difficult time, or sleep deprived to the extent that they aren’t completely with it...or they could be unable to see well in the dark!

Hmm you sound a bit wet to be honest. He shouldn’t have shouted at you but you should be looking out for speed signs etc. and you should know what lane to be in for a right hand exit from a roundabout. If you were alone you’d have to do all of these things!

Have you spoken to your DH about him shouting?

Don't lend out your Satnav again. You obviously can't go without it.

You don’t need to get too upset by what people are saying. It’s not a big deal. Nothing happened, you got there and back safely and so did everyone else on the road.

But you do need to learn to be confident in your own abilities. You shouldn’t really be relying on passengers to guide you in your driving. The thing is you will be fostering learned helplessness in yourself - if you’re so used to saying, which lane, which turn off, what speed limit, it means you’re probably not actually paying much attention yourself to road signs and markings.

Practise some more, go out on leisurely drives (on your own, not with your dickhead partner) to new places and just use your sat nav.

And make sure you tell your partner he was being a complete dick and that he’s not to behave that way again. It was a terrible way to behave.

I think being in the car is quite a stressful flashpoint for many couples.

I know he was being unkind and shouting is horrible and dangerous. But you kept asking him for help so it set off a mad dynamic.

However I would be thinking of doing more driving with an instructor. And only driving if you
Feel confident
If your partner promises to leave you alone.

So you work out route. You don’t ask for help. He switches off.

Generally If There are street lamps it s 30 mph unless you are told otherwise via signs. So a dual carriageway in town with lights might be 40. But look for the signs .

But yeh your dp is a bad passenger and you might consider if he is awful in other areas of your life too.

I haven't rtft
But shouting at you is dickish, unhelpful and unkind.
It does sound like you could use some lessons with a professional to sharpen the skills too, or with someone patient enough

Vebrb I think it's great that you want to drive and want your driving to improve but I do think both your and your DH are unreasonable.

He is U because shouting and being aggressive with a nervous driver is a dumb thing to do - they are just going to get more anxious so it's totally counter productive.

You are U because someone who has been driving for over 2 years should know the stuff you say you don't know.

I have 20/20 vision but I do have a pair of glasses for night driving which my optician recommended. However I had lasik eye surgery which is known to affect night vision.

I think you would benefit from some time spent just driving around on your own and getting comfortable with yourself behind the wheel. Go to different places and don't worry if you get a bit lost . Just make sure you don't have any time limits so you don't get stressed. Go out at different times of the day and just get used to driving.

I had a similar experience many years ago in a traffic jam in the Earls Court one way system. Wouldn't do it now but I took the keys, got out, walked away against the traffic flow and left him there to mansplain it away. Got home about 8 hours later and he never mentioned how he got out of it. We never spoke of it at all. I'm not famous for patience.

Your DH was unreasonable but your driving sounds awful, if it's an unfamiliar route look it over on map before you go. You're basic knowledge is lacking and you'll end up causing an accident if you can't understand the basics, refresher course needed asap & opticians visit; night vision is different from daylight ability.

If the speed limit on a dual carriageway is not 70 there should be regular ‘repeater signs’ stating what the limit is. If you’re turning right at the roundabout you should be in the right hand lane. I appreciate that on a very dark, unlit road it may have been difficult to see the turning but you should have been going slowly enough to enable you to do so? Your DP was a dick to shout at you as this could’ve made your driving even more dangerous but you do need to read up your theory and book both some motorway lessons and some lessons in the dark (not easy now the clocks have changed). As you say you need to practice...but ideally do this in a way to create least risk to passengers/other road users.

cestlavielife My DP says this and it drives me crazy. It used to be the case, but stopped being the case a long time ago. Ignore streetlamp presence. Generally it is 30 in places with buildings unless signs say otherwise. Generally in countryside with no buildings it is national speed limit unless signs say otherwise.

Next time get a sat nav or turn your phone into one and follow that. No need for a rude OH.

I appreciate that on a very dark, unlit road it may have been difficult to see the turning but you should have been going slowly enough to enable you to do so?

In fairness anyone can miss a turn in the dark. This is easy to do.

He was rude. Your driving was worrying. YABBU

I think I've probably got what I needed from the thread which is that he was unnecessarily angry with me. He is often nice but can be belligerent. He's the first to complain if I ever raise my voice to him but thinks its fine to shout at me. We have missed turnings before when he drives but I'm damned if i do or dont on that one. If I say thatd the turning its you dont need to tell me I bloody know. If he missed it thats because I'm talking and distracting him.

I KNOW I'm not a great driver. But when I'm on my own i love driving. Passing my test has made a huge difference to my life. I have a lovely car, and and actually feel sad when I go 2 or 3 days without driving. I'm not as good a driver as many people I know, but most my age have been driving for 20+ years so I have a lot to catch up. I am naturally cautious, my job involves frequently dealing with road accidents so I am very aware of the consequences and impact of poor driving.

So I will go out more on my own, do some more motorway practice, and probably fewer journeys with my partner.

@Chocolateisfab

Maybe he was nervous? I would have been if you can't read a map, don't know speed limits and can't see very well!!
Sorry op but not sure you should be driving!!

Give over, we've all had moments like OP's, and if you say you haven't then you're a liar.

You make sure to tell him every time he does it that he’s being a twat and that if he doesn’t stop it you’re quite happy to leave him at the side of the road and he can make his own way home. It’s not on for him to treat you that way. Especially if he’s a baby about it when the shoe’s on the other foot!

Well done on learning to drive!

If you need help with any other aspects of his treatment of you in this situation, you can post in the relationships topic where it’s more supportive and the focus will be on helping you with that, rather than on your driving.