AIBU to feel a little upset by this incident with partner...perspective needed

[Vebrb]

Recently we were driving to a family event. I don't drink, partner does so it made sense for me to drive (I offered). Also although I've been driving for a couple of years I've done very little motorway driving and want to increase this (route to the event was about a 50 min drive just over half of which was on motorway and not at a busy time so seemed a good opportunity).

I did have google maps on my phone to show the route but I don't find it great (I have got a proper satnav with lane assist but like a muppet I'd lent it to a friend and not got it back yet so phone it was). Foolishly I thought my partner would help me if I got confused.

Silly me.

Instead he was basically shouting at me...at one point we were turning right ahead but I wasnt sure which lane (roundabout and no road markings) he's bellowing turn right turn right...which fucking lane do you think?

Later I asked the speed limit (by this point was on a dual carriageway I'd looked for a sign but couldn't see one) so again hes like well what do you think it is, why are we telling you and so on...

When we arrived I missed the turning (dark country lane and I don't see well in the dark - I'm fine on roads with lighting etc I just couldn't see the turn) cue more shouting, ditto when we got to car park and I asked where to park - why was I asking, couldn't I work it out myself.

I only learnt to drive at his suggestion. He was really encouraging of me at the time and really patient but now it feels like he expects me to know it all and never ask anything. I don't expect constant advice (when I drive with one friend she's always telling me when to change lanes, turn etc which I don't need and find confusing) but I thought asking your partner for some help or advice if you weren't sure was ok. Aibu?

He shouldn't have shouted but perhaps in the heat of the moment ... he was probably nervous too. Maybe try to get more practice on a Sunday morning when the roads are a bit quieter - dare I say just for the hell of it?

Then with more experience under your belt you'll be more confident.

I think it's hard to feel confident if you don't do much actually driving over any distance - and just stick to short local drives.

So I think it's a matter of getting out there and doing it. It doesn't sound as if the OP did anything dangerous - but just over-relied on their partner and lost confidence about basic stuff, such as roundabout technique - which is all in the Highway Code.

I think it may be a relationship problem rather than a driving problem.

But it can also be useful if one has a deal with one's partner in such circumstances. Such as, 'Tell me calmly if you think there's something I really need to know.

But otherwise the driver needs to make all the decisions. The passenger needs to accept that the driver may do it a bit differently from them - but as long as it's safe that's okay.

Maybe going out with a supportive female friend for a day out in the car would help. They might be a bit more objective too..

Please read my posts people. If you dont live in an area like mine where not all dual carriageways are 70 this might seem odd
Go back to your highway way code for reference about road speeds.

Your driving is fine, you just lack confidence, and no wonder with your DH yelling at you.
No one sees well at night, that's why cars have lights, people telling you to stop driving are dicks.
The leap between learning and being an independent driver is enormous as you have to get used to being the most responsible person in the car and doing all the anticipation and planning, you only get better at this with experience.

Everyone is a nervous driver when they are new (if they're not they're probably an overconfident boy racer and much more likely to end up crashing!)

You should have left your DP there and driven home without him.

*next time not next two
Stupid autocorrect!

I think you're getting some rather harsh replies OP - lacking in confidence isn't a crime, and even if you irritate other drivers by being hesitant you are unlikely to be significantly "dangerous". No doubt someone will come up with an example of how being hesitant is fatal, I'm sure there are a few, but generally speaking anyway.

If you were that hesitant and lacked knowledge when you took your test, you wouldn't have passed, so at some point you were a confident driver. You've just lost it a bit by perhaps not driving much in the last couple of years, so your DP is a prick for being so obnoxious towards you when you just needed a bit of reassurance. Maybe get some practice on your own, or take someone who will leave you alone but support you when you feel unsure.

If it helps, I've been driving for 27 years and I do 30,000 business miles a year. When I'm by myself I miss turnings all the time, find myself in the wrong lane because it's busy or not that well marked, or just fuck up occasionally. And because I'm by myself and I'm a confident experienced driver, I give it no more thought, I forget it and move on. We all mess up, no one is perfect.

If my DH is in the car, though - I find myself working extra hard to concentrate because he'll rip the piss out of me mercilessly at the slightest aberration. And the harder I try, the more I fuck up! The same happens with friends in the car, I once got caught in what felt like an endless loop on the Derby ring road and my old mates have never let me fucking forget it.

You need to go build your confidence again with someone you trust, and like Hotpot said, believe in yourself a bit. Good luck!

Sounds like you shouldn't be driving.

Your driving is fine,
It bloody isn't if she is night driving and cant see well in the dark and doesn't know her highway code.
I agree the DH wasn't great but theres no need to sugar coat her driving skills.
They will improve with practice but read up on roundabouts and speed limits and get some glasses

I hadnt seen a sign which was why I aaked. It's a similar urban area to where I live so I thought it was going to be less than 70. I would have stuck to 40-50 if I'd been alone. Partner told me it was 30 btw.

He sounds like a dick but you do not sound like a competent driver! No matter what area you live in the road standards are the same with regard to signage, speed repeater signs etc!
You say round about had 4 lanes and 5 exits with no signs..,, how would you know that if there were no signs to read when you said you can't read google maps on your phone?? You are making excuses for yourself! Find someone more supportive, family member or friend who can take you out practicing on unfamiliar roads so you can learn to read them otherwise stay of the motorway before you cause an accident!

Having said all of that I do sympathise with being a nervous driver but you really do just have to get out and do it.

You passed your test so you are capable - don't let someone else put you off and make you think otherwise. Asking for directions in an unknown location is normal but you should still know the basic rules of the road.

I've been driving for eighteen months and we live rurally so my car is a necessity for me to do my job. Having to drive windy country roads in the dark on your own forces you to be confident - as it's either that or I sleep at work every night in the winter!

I’ve no sense of direction and am almost perpetually lost. WRT roundabouts my motto is - if in doubt go round again. I’d rather trundle round 3 times until I’m sure where to come off than get it wrong and possibly end up miles out of my way.

Everyone is a nervous driver when they are new

That's all well and good but OP says herself she has been driving for years, so isn't a new driver, just lacks experience on a motorway. Which actually doesn't seem to have been a problem. As not knowing the speed limit, getting into the correct lane and driving at night aren't motorway specific problems.

Next time, stop the car and tell him to fuck off out of it. You’d have been better without him in the car. He sounds horrible.

Should you really be driving at night at all if you don't see well at night? Why is this and are you sure you still pass the eyesight test for daytime driving too?

The speed limit on a dual carriageway with an unmarked speed limit is laid down in The Highway Code. If you have been driving for 2 years then surely, even with non-motorway driving, you will have driven in a dual carriageway?

It sounds like you need to revise the Highway Code and perhaps pay for some refresher lessons to gain more confidence rather than rely on your partner. He may be a bit scared of your driving, hence his (unacceptable) unpleasant shouting at you unless he is normally abusive which is a totally different issue.

My dh is a terrible passenger. Every time I drive we have a row. Now I make it very clear that ANY comment on my driving and I'll be pulling over and leaving him to it. He's a professional driver. My father is a driving instructor and my mother has a similar problem.
However, I think the suggestions that you brush up your driving skills might be helpful. I don't think I'd be comfortable as a passenger with you from what you describe.

even if you irritate other drivers by being hesitant you are unlikely to be significantly "dangerous".

Depending on the road, hesitant drivers can be extremely dangerous. Sometimes they swerve at the last minute and don't indicate, slam on the breaks for no reason whatsoever or randomly decide to turn off a road or pull over with no warning whatsoever. It's very dangerous, especially on country roads with lots of blind corners.

Agree with pp a d no-one missed the bit in your op; your area is not unique there are lots of roads all around the UK where the speed limit is not what you expect.

Either it is national speed limit or is well signposted. You must have missed the signpost or where you saw it that was the place it reduced.

As the driver it is your responsibility to know where you are going and to watch for speed changes. You cannot expect your passenger to be telling you what to do. And nor should they, in the event of a mistake 'dp told me to do it' is a pathetic excuse and would be treated as such.

That all said, your dp is also a dick. Don't rely on him get yourself some more lessons, get some confidence and take responsibility for your own driving.

He was very mean to you. If he wasn't in the car, shouting at you, I bet you would have been more confident in your choices and more observant of the various road signs. He put you in a state of near-panic and self-doubt - not a great combination with a motor vehicle.

FWIW, many people find familiar roads to be unfamiliar in the dark. Don't drive in the dark with an aggressive, distracting passenger again. Be confident about using the full beam when other drivers are not heading toward you, so you can better see your surroundings. And have a little more faith in Google Maps; it is actually more accurate than my satnav and tells me about the correct turns more promptly than my satnav. Crank up the volume (before you start the journey) and ignore your partner's poor navigation comments. x

If my DH spoke to me like that in the car, which probably doesn't help your confidence, I would have told him he can drive us back home after the event.

All the drivers I've ever known have said things like "look out for the turning" or "not sure which way now".

Its hardly surprising you were hesitant about things considering you had Mr Critic sitting next to you.

I have no night vision. I drive a lot at night. Luckily my car has lights on the front of it. Could you get some?

He's just a back seat driver trying to assert his superior driving skills, but if he doesn't trust your driving he shouldn't travel with you. I would have told him to do the driving himself if he's so good.

Maybe he said 30 for fear of you driving any faster??!!
Ultimately the one behind the wheel is responsible for the journey imo.
My mil used to wear her glasses only to assist fil driving. Wtaf. The woman never drove above second gear.
Never ever let them have my dc in the car. Never.
Some people shouldn't have a licence.

I don't drink either but more common here is for DH to drive there and I drive back.
I would offer that next time as, hopefully, he'll be in a drunken stupor and won't be aware!

Also, try using Waze. I've found it much better that Google.