AIBU to feel a little upset by this incident with partner...perspective needed

[Vebrb]

Recently we were driving to a family event. I don't drink, partner does so it made sense for me to drive (I offered). Also although I've been driving for a couple of years I've done very little motorway driving and want to increase this (route to the event was about a 50 min drive just over half of which was on motorway and not at a busy time so seemed a good opportunity).

I did have google maps on my phone to show the route but I don't find it great (I have got a proper satnav with lane assist but like a muppet I'd lent it to a friend and not got it back yet so phone it was). Foolishly I thought my partner would help me if I got confused.

Silly me.

Instead he was basically shouting at me...at one point we were turning right ahead but I wasnt sure which lane (roundabout and no road markings) he's bellowing turn right turn right...which fucking lane do you think?

Later I asked the speed limit (by this point was on a dual carriageway I'd looked for a sign but couldn't see one) so again hes like well what do you think it is, why are we telling you and so on...

When we arrived I missed the turning (dark country lane and I don't see well in the dark - I'm fine on roads with lighting etc I just couldn't see the turn) cue more shouting, ditto when we got to car park and I asked where to park - why was I asking, couldn't I work it out myself.

I only learnt to drive at his suggestion. He was really encouraging of me at the time and really patient but now it feels like he expects me to know it all and never ask anything. I don't expect constant advice (when I drive with one friend she's always telling me when to change lanes, turn etc which I don't need and find confusing) but I thought asking your partner for some help or advice if you weren't sure was ok. Aibu?

YABVU and you shouldn't be driving. Cars are lethal and you could kill someone or yourself. You should NOT be relying on a passenger to tell you the speed limit. You get behind the wheel, you take the responsibility for road safety and adhering to speed limits.

Constantly saying you didn't know the road you were driving on/couldn't see signs etc is just absolving yourself of responsibility.

Invest in some refresher driving lessons and swat up on the Highway Code instead of trying to get people on here to agree how horrid your DH was to you. Grow up and take responsibility for your own actions FGS before you endanger anyone else.

I love the story of the driver getting out and leaving the man to mansplain.😂😂😂
Have threatened this with DH “am I driving or are you?”

OP I was really nervous about learning to drive and it took me years to feel confident. We drive at work and all of us including me have had some sort of prang and made silly mistakes. Even the experienced drivers. Most prangs are in car parks in my experience
These are my tips:
Motorway lessons are excellent. I was terrified but I now drive on them daily and I never thought I’d say this I enjoy it!
Re read Highway Code to be confident about rules/priorities.
Push yourself to take on difficult routes/situations
Pay attention to signs
Practise not using sat nav and following signs
Think ahead re lanes etc
Look at your route on a map before going out
I practise looking to horizon and back on the motorway-like scanning. As well as checking mirrors regularly
I think if you’re a nervous driver it helps to try to be “disciplined”

It doesn't matter how many wrong turns you make or turnings you miss. It doesn't even matter being in the wrong lane. All of these things are correctable, ie. next junction, go around the roundabout again, etc. Do it all safely, indicating what you're doing and at the right speed and it's all fine.

I drive a lot. Still took me six goes to pass my test and I thought I'd never be able to do all the 'car things' at the same time/right time.

Be more confident in your own abilities, OP, do whatever it takes to achieve that.

I did have google maps on my phone to show the route but I don't find it great (I have got a proper satnav with lane assist but like a muppet I'd lent it to a friend and not got it back yet so phone it was).

Were you just using google maps, and not google navigation? I think Google navigation does tell you what lane to be in, and as far as I know it is as good as or better than any other satnav.

I'm an experience and confident driver, but I use Google navigation for almost every journey, because I live in London and even the most innocuous of journeys can become a multi-hour nightmare due to accidents or road closures, so I depend on the traffic information to keep me out of trouble.

Harebel, what an odious post. Finger-wagging on acid. Did you enjoy that at least?

I reckon some of the dyspeptic posters this morning are disappointed Mothers Day'ers...

He was being a dick and shouting because he didn’t know himself. If he did he would have said. Also if you have an iPhone the maps app does show the speed limit whereas google maps doesn’t and yes limits do vary on dual carriageways. Generally though NSL is 70 if there is a barrier between the 2 directions; 60 if no barrier. If it’s lower, there are regular signs.

Some posters on here are just absolutely ridiculous. I have been driving for 2 years and I only learned the very basics to be able to pass my test we didn't even do a handful of different routes. Driving after passing your test is nothing like driving lessons and it is completely different in every way. You are doing well op and don't listen to anyone who tells you different.

Thanks for that helpful post Harabel not! Very encouraging. op did not have an accident or injure somebody, she took some wrong turns like a lot of people do. If somebody is screaming at you and you are driving, it is enough to make the most confident driver, nervous and anxious. Really some people on here, I expect op is a much safer driver than some of the over confident taxi cars I have been who pull out and nearly collide with a a moving car on the main road, and one that pulled out of a road, nearly hitting an oncoming car. Op don't take him in your car again, I think his screaming and shouting at you was the problem here, not your driving. Bet if you were on your own, or with a very calm person you would have been just fine.

Cant believe how many people have read the OP and assumed you are a brand new driver, surely that shows a little extra work needs doing with your driving?
The passenger could be playing on their phone, reading, dealing with kids, asleep, its not on them to know turnings, speed limits, island layouts. If you haven't seen it when you are supposed to be the driver and concentrating on the road, not sure why they are expected to.
You needed a lot of help and asked a lot of questions for someone doing a 50 minute drive and it would irritate me too.
Talking to a DP like shit or shouting (especially with kids in the car) is never on, but I do think you need to work on your driving skills tbh.

ahahahah people asking how you passed your test or theory...

erm because neither are anything like driving on normal roads after you've passed your test!

That post from Harabel makes me feel like giving up learning, as I am a bit anxious and shoulden't be on the road, despite my lovely lady instructor, who teaches Police and speed awareness courses tells me that I am more than capable and to take my test again.

He was wrong to shout at you but I do think you should be aware of the different speed limits on motorways and dual carriageways and also seeing to drive in the dark!

Brush up on your highway code, get your Sat Nav back and maybe practice driving in areas you're not confident in to get this confidence back.

No he shouldn't have been shouting. But OP sounds totally clueless - knowing what lane to be in when you're turning right at a roundabout is BASIC stuff and most roundabouts don't have lane marking anyway.

Women, don't give up! Learning to drive is for women THE most liberating experience of the past century and goes you ownership of your life. Ignore the bitching, male and female, and stick with it.

Hes a shouty dick head who no doubt was contributing to your lack of confidence.

However you would benefit from an eye test, pass plus lessons (or whatever they call them now) and knowing more of the highway code.

Suggest you also practice a bit on your own in low-stress situations where it doesn't matter if you are late or take the wrong turn.

Silene actually some larger roundabouts have specific lanes for specific turn offs and can be quite difficult if you haven’t come across them before and it’s dark.

I agree don’t give up drivers, you can do this! I love it.

It sounds like you are a less experienced driver than he is and you are a little bit hesitant when the roads are unfamiliar an the route is new to you - that is totally understandable. Your DP however behaved like an absolute prick, there was no need to speak to you like that, how dare he. Some patience and guidance was all that was required, not yelling and making you feel small. I would refuse to drive him anywhere after this if he can't even be civil and display basic manners when you're behind the wheel. Is he too stupid to see that his aggressive responses would have flustered you more than ever when you were trying to concentrate?

Your driving will naturally improve as your confidence and road sense grows, and sometimes driving outside of your comfort zone will help you with this. What won't help you is to have your DP losing his temper when he is a passenger. My DH would never swear at me, never - and if he did in that situation I would have left him at a petrol station in the middle of nowhere and driven off into the sunset without him. You need to stand up for yourself here and make sure he knows he has no right to speak to you like a piece of dirt. If he doesn't like your driving then he can drive himself - maybe next time he does you should pick holes in his driving and see how he enjoys it. Bloody bully. I think he wanted you to drive so you could ferry him about and no other reason - it was his idea after all. Don't let yourself be a doormat.

Do not give up Aeroflot. You can and will get there. I have been there myself. I would drive anywhere now - yes some routes do phase me but I’d still do it. Lots of people are nervous and its pretty normal to be

When I started driving my DP was an absolute dick and he destroyed my confidence. We've been together a long time and he still comments...I am a good driver but there is no doubt that his attitude in the car had a negative impact on my driving for quite a long time. I now no longer care! OP you were somewhere unfamiliar- it takes a long time to build up confidence as a driver and it is particularly difficult if you have someone being horrible to you about your driving. Take control, practise, drive in the dark (the actual dark, no street lamps), practise dipping your headlights from full beam. You'll get there. Ignore him, he was a a dick, as are all the people on here telling you you shouldn't be driving.

Thanks longwayoff

I have been driving for 37 years, sometimes coming up to a huge roundabout with lots of lanes I'll say to DH "ooh what lane?" just to confirm it if it's a new area for us. If I miss a turning he's just say "Yeah I would have found that hard too". He'll always help out - after all if you shout what's the point because they aren't helping they are making someone nervous which is worse! He sounds a knob - hope he is A1 in other areas.

Can’t see in the dark, can’t do roundabouts, can’t read maps, worried about motorway driving, doesn’t know speed limits (your excuse is rubbish, it’s clearly signed or it’s national limit).

He shouldn’t have shouted, but you should either hand your licence back in or make a concerted effort to build your confidence and knowledge in safer circumstances.

And get an eye test. If you can’t see in roads that aren’t lit you should not be on the road, it’s almost as bad as drunk driving, you are a danger to yourself and others and your husband getting grumpy is the least concerning thing in your posts by some distance.

Bluejava thats all I wanted him to say. All he had to say on the roundabout was 4th lane, I'd asked which of the 2. Not start shouting at me to fucking turn right. Followed by a 'I'm never getting in the car with you again' which is the sort of shit my XP came out with if I ever stepped out of line.

I am annoyed with him but I know if I raise it he will say I was driving really badly and I deserved it, it's my fault for panicking and putting everyone in a bad mood, why do I insist on driving etc.

But of course I'm not the person who tailgates others if they've caused him offence or cut him up or gets really aggressive behind the wheel when hes in a bad mood....

YABU For asking him anything, what you should have done is bought a ball gag before you set off for him.

My father is exactly the same with my mother driving. The constant hectoring and telling her which way to go (she knows which way to go) makes her very nervous and I'm not surprised. He grabs the wheel when he thinks she needs to turn, which on one occasion nearly caused a crash as he was in the wrong.

It is so bad that I will not be in the car with them as I desperately what to cave my dad's head in and tell him to leave her alone. My mother has the patience of a saint, how she hasn't told him to FUCK RIGHT OFF, I don't know. When it's just me and her in the car, her driving is great.

I would also point out that my father is an excellent driver but a really really shit passenger.

If I were you, I would have stopped the car and told him to walk.

And get an eye test. If you can’t see in roads that aren’t lit you should not be on the road
You can have 20-20 vision s measured by an optician, but find it harder to see in the dark than you used to. It is called getting older.