AIBU to feel a little upset by this incident with partner...perspective needed

[Vebrb]

Recently we were driving to a family event. I don't drink, partner does so it made sense for me to drive (I offered). Also although I've been driving for a couple of years I've done very little motorway driving and want to increase this (route to the event was about a 50 min drive just over half of which was on motorway and not at a busy time so seemed a good opportunity).

I did have google maps on my phone to show the route but I don't find it great (I have got a proper satnav with lane assist but like a muppet I'd lent it to a friend and not got it back yet so phone it was). Foolishly I thought my partner would help me if I got confused.

Silly me.

Instead he was basically shouting at me...at one point we were turning right ahead but I wasnt sure which lane (roundabout and no road markings) he's bellowing turn right turn right...which fucking lane do you think?

Later I asked the speed limit (by this point was on a dual carriageway I'd looked for a sign but couldn't see one) so again hes like well what do you think it is, why are we telling you and so on...

When we arrived I missed the turning (dark country lane and I don't see well in the dark - I'm fine on roads with lighting etc I just couldn't see the turn) cue more shouting, ditto when we got to car park and I asked where to park - why was I asking, couldn't I work it out myself.

I only learnt to drive at his suggestion. He was really encouraging of me at the time and really patient but now it feels like he expects me to know it all and never ask anything. I don't expect constant advice (when I drive with one friend she's always telling me when to change lanes, turn etc which I don't need and find confusing) but I thought asking your partner for some help or advice if you weren't sure was ok. Aibu?

Amazing how many car drivers are unaware that they have no lights on.

How do I not know my highway code? If I had assumed the speed limit was 70 on the road I was on, I would have been way over what it actually is. As for the roundabout I knew I needed to be in lane 3 or 4. But given I wasnt taking the last exit (5) I wasn't sure if I should be in 3 or 4 that was all I asked.

I drive every day on my own for up to an hour depending on traffic and have no issues and never have since I passed my test.

Re eyesight yes I can't see at night in a dark area. It's not an issue normally as I live in an urban area with full street lighting. Other people have said to me they cant see much when there are no street lights and thats normal. My partner however says I should be able to see and doesn't get why I cant.

I don't know why everyone's so antsy about your driving- I often go up to unfamiliar roundabouts unsure which lane to choose, it can be easy to miss road markings, or to stay in a lane then need to change. Asking your partner is absolutely fine! If you were on your own you'd just make a decision and go round twice if it were wrong.

Duel carriageways have varying speed restrictions, don't see the harm in checking again with a partner 'is this 50 along here' especially if they know the road.

Can't believe anyone on MN has never over-shot an entrance when they've never been to a place before.

In short, this thread is full of amazing drivers but weirdly when I'm on the roads it's full of people going twice round round-abouts, forgetting to signal, getting lost, speeding (how would councils make their millions if people weren't unsure of the speed!) and finding it difficult to find places.

You are normal, your partner is a complete twat. Shouting at nervous drivers is a really mean thing to do, all you were doing is looking for reassurance, my husband and I often chat about where we are going or what lane to go in, this is normal interaction.

If anyone shouted at me like that when I was driving, they'd have found themselves having a long walk. I'd have chucked him out of the car.

Have you got a nice, calm friend or family member? I think you need to go out driving with someone sensible to build your confidence.

Also, with big, multi-exit roundabouts, if there's more than one lane for turning right and I'm not sure which lane to take, I go in the one that's furthest to the right. If that turns out to be wrong, it's easy just to go all the way round the roundabout and have a second go at it.

As a pp said, if you're unsure of a speed limit and not in a built up area, look out for repeater signs approx every 200 yards. If there aren't any, then it'll be the national speed limit, ie 70 for dual carriageways and 60 for ordinary roads.

Please don't let this experience put you off, your driving's probably fine, you just need to get some practice in and build your confidence. Being shouted at won't help that at all.

You should be able to see because your car has headlights! You sound as if you are saying you can see less than the next person.

And you aren't driving and observing the signs either. Your area is not unique and there is a sign as you approach a roundabout with 4 lanes and 5 exits. As there is speed limit signs also

Using your phone as sat nav isn't illegal but I agree on the parking. Why would he know where to park if you didn't?

If he was all supportive of you learning to drive it sounds like he wanted lifts to places so he can drink.

I agree, if you're a bit nervous about driving then get a short course to help.

You should not be driving if you had to ask what the speed limit was on a dual carriageway!

I should add that for most of the journey home he was asleep and I drove much better when it was effectively just me and my DC...including getting stuck in a lengthy motorway tailback for about 3 miles where we were stop start, lots of lane changing etc.

OP if a roundabout has 4 lanes and 5 exits and you are going to turn right, then you are going to want to be in the far right hand lane. You don't need road markings to work that one out.

If you're ever not sure approaching a roundabout, get into the far right hand lane and then you can always go all the way round until you are sure which lane/ exit you want. You cant get in anyone's way if you are on the inside and have your right indicator on.

Stop making excuses OP. You are a liability and should not be driving.

My DH is not a confident driver. Never once have I shouted at him while he's been driving, nor have I refused to answer his questions about road markings, which lane to use or speed limits, no matter how obvious I thought it was. He also doesn't like driving at night, which I understand but we try not to let it become a big deal. Your OH was a dick to you.

OP, in your position I would look into Pass Plus lessons to improve you confidence in driving alone, and I would refuse to drive Shouty McDickhead anywhere until he apologises and sorts his appalling behaviour out. If he doesn't - bin.

Oh come on people. Have you never driven somewhere new and double checked the speed limit. It isn’t always that obvious on a dual carriageway (and is often brought up on here because people don’t understand the difference between a fixed barrier etc). Also driving in the pitch black trying to turn into a pitch black driveway is also difficult. If you live in the middle of a town etc you may never have experienced this!!
To the OP.... he was being an arse.

Your DH sounds horrible no wonder you've lost confidence!
Basics on highway code here should be known to you without electronics to tell you, you really need to know and understand

Perhaps sign up for a quick refresher and confidence course with a driving instructor ... not your husband though

The trouble with driving is you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I am a terrible driver, I openly admit it. I am too nervous, I worry constantly about hitting something or someone and that occupies too much of my mind, I am not confident of the geography of the car so have to keep looking at the gear box to check i'm in the right gear which takes my eyes off the road, I don't have a sense of my speed so have to keep looking at the speedo which takes my eyes off the road, I get perplexed at roundabouts, I struggle to quickly assess from signage whether I should be in the bus lane or not and find it difficult to work it out whilst also keeping my mind on the driving I am doing, I live my life in 3rd/4th gear (to the despair of my partner) because at higher speed I can't find a moment I'm comfortable taking a hand off the wheel to change gear (I'm a leftie which doesn't help as I feel less secure holding the wheel with just my right hand), my hands tend to follow my eyes so my lane discipline is dreadful, I have little to no vision in my right eye so have to properly turn my head to look in my wing mirror, etc, etc, etc. I'm fucking terrible and it's a miracle I've never had an accident.

Having said all that, I passed my test 3 years ago because I was pregnant with my first child and everyone told me it was the height of irresponsibility not to be able to drive as a parent. I told my instructor and my examiner about my nerves and my visual impairment - they both said if I passed the daytime sight test that was adequate. And i passed my test because I had done all my lessons on the test route and knew it backwards. So apparently, by every measure I can reasonably be expected to undergo, I am fit to drive.

I'm still a shit driver and I know it. So how do I follow the seemingly contradictory advice above - both to stop driving immediately because I'm not safe, and practice more to improve? I don't have endless money or time for lessons.

I will never be a good driver because I hate it and it terrifies me. I've been driving regularly for 3 years now, had lessons on and off for about 5 years before that. My knowledge is fine and I have had lots of experience; I just do not have the skills that driving requires or the mindset.

But I cannot count the number of times I see posters on this site and elsewhere who mention as an aside to a problem "I don't drive so I needed my DH to take me to xyz..." and everyone comes down on her like a ton of bricks asking why they don't drive, everyone can drive, only lazy bastards don't learn to drive, do you expect your husband to treat you like a child, what kind of example are you setting for your children, etc etc etc. The idea someone could just acknowledge it is something they will never be good at and not do it is treated with total contempt. But driving when you know you are not good at it ditto.

I think if only people who are as magically able to drive as well as some posters are immediately after their tests were allowed to, then there would be very few drivers on the road.

You sound like you would benefit from advanced driving lessons, and from knowing these two things:

1. YOU are in control of the car. I am actually only comfortable with allowing my husband to contribute (he's a non driver) now that I have a lot more experience. Relying on other people will only slow you down in gaining confidence on the roads.

2. Always choose the safe way to drive. Even if that means missing your turn. My instructor told me that even if you go wrong on your driving test, if you calmly say 'I'm sorry, I'm not in the right lane for that move and it isn't safe to move now. Please give me new directions.' then they most likely won't fail you. Safely correcting your route is very important - everybody gets lost sometimes.

I'm not the best driver. But I'm not dangerous. When I first drove on a motorway I remember not having the confidence to change lanes. I am now able to do that and go round slower moving vehicles when I need to. I actually didnt have any issue with the motorway, these issues were on other unfamiliar roads.

Its not illegal to use a phone as sat nav btw.

He’s a dick, you need to brush up on your Highway Code and possibly take a few more driving lessons. There are instructors who offer additional motorway lessons once you’ve passed your test.

As for asking him where you should park when you were in a car park???

*Duel carriageways have varying speed restrictions, don't see the harm in checking again with a partner 'is this 50 along here' especially if they know the road.

Can't believe anyone on MN has never over-shot an entrance when they've never been to a place before.*

Yep, I've done both of these, and not long ago turned into someone's drive instead of the little lane I was looking for (the council here seems to be saving money by not repainting give way lines on rural roads).

They also don't cut hedges and verges as often as they used to (once a year instead of twice). There's a road near us where a 50mph sign on a road that's mostly 60 was totally obscured by vegetation for months, so it's not always easy to be sure of speed limits.

A few weeks ago, I asked DP if we were still in a 40, because I hadn't noticed a repeater sign for a while. On the way back, we noticed that the NSL sign had been knocked over. We went along that road again on Saturday, they still haven't put it back (emailed the council and reported it).

Maybe he wasn't asleep just scared to open his eyes??
Maybe use Google to find a taxi next dark unknown journey?

No one sees well at night, that's why cars have lights, people telling you to stop driving are dicks

Of course people see well enough to drive at night!! Presumably OP's car did have lights on?

OP has now updated and revised her story to say that several people missed the turning to the venue, but she first said that she doesn't see well in the dark.

I think if only people who are as magically able to drive as well as some posters are immediately after their tests were allowed to, then there would be very few drivers on the road

The OP has been driving for a couple of years not weeks!

You need to go back to your optician and say that you need glasses for night time driving - they will make a big difference to what you can see.

YANBU.

Lots of "experienced" drivers are always in the wrong lane at roundabouts and just push their way out without any idea they're doing anything wrong. As you say dual carriageways don't always have a 70mph speed limit. Get your sat nav back I find that very helpful for checking the speed limit.