AIBU to feel a little upset by this incident with partner...perspective needed

[Vebrb]

Recently we were driving to a family event. I don't drink, partner does so it made sense for me to drive (I offered). Also although I've been driving for a couple of years I've done very little motorway driving and want to increase this (route to the event was about a 50 min drive just over half of which was on motorway and not at a busy time so seemed a good opportunity).

I did have google maps on my phone to show the route but I don't find it great (I have got a proper satnav with lane assist but like a muppet I'd lent it to a friend and not got it back yet so phone it was). Foolishly I thought my partner would help me if I got confused.

Silly me.

Instead he was basically shouting at me...at one point we were turning right ahead but I wasnt sure which lane (roundabout and no road markings) he's bellowing turn right turn right...which fucking lane do you think?

Later I asked the speed limit (by this point was on a dual carriageway I'd looked for a sign but couldn't see one) so again hes like well what do you think it is, why are we telling you and so on...

When we arrived I missed the turning (dark country lane and I don't see well in the dark - I'm fine on roads with lighting etc I just couldn't see the turn) cue more shouting, ditto when we got to car park and I asked where to park - why was I asking, couldn't I work it out myself.

I only learnt to drive at his suggestion. He was really encouraging of me at the time and really patient but now it feels like he expects me to know it all and never ask anything. I don't expect constant advice (when I drive with one friend she's always telling me when to change lanes, turn etc which I don't need and find confusing) but I thought asking your partner for some help or advice if you weren't sure was ok. Aibu?

If your DP is a controlling knob then you'll have difficulty making decisions when he has taken control. Hence, asking where to park when normally you would just decide yourself.
If you can't 'just decide yourself' when he is with you, that means you are taking a submissive role.
When both of you are in the car I suspect that he always does the driving. Unless it suits him because he's having a drink.
My advice is you drive as much as you can when both of you are in the car. You'll get more practice too.

I think you just lack a bit of confidence, your DH shouting at you isn’t helping, practice practice practice is what you need. I wonder if your husband was keen for you to learn to drive just so he can drink and you can be his chauffeur, I know my ex was. Even if you are practicing on familiar roads it will give you confidence on unfamiliar ones. Good luck.

should you be driving

She’s got a licence - she’s allowed to drive the end. There are no good or bad drivers in law-you either have a licence or you do not. OP ignore the posters telling you not to drive. The only way to improve is to drive more-not give up all together.

@Miffymeow

*Once everything else is old hat to you and your car feels like an extension of you body, concentrating on those normal things such as speed limits / road signs is now priority and the main task so feels easier as you no longer feel like you are doing a million things at once.

It's just practise*

I know you are trying to be nice to the OP but for some people that's just not true - the car will never feel like an extension of their body, their brain will never comfortably process all the information they need to to drive safely in the moment and also consider their next steps, the route ahead etc. It is a skill, yes, but it requires certain capacities which are not in everyone. And if you are someone who is particularly aware of how dangerous driving inherently is, no matter how good you are at it, the car will never feel like 'an extension of your body' - it will feel like what it is, a very complicated and dangerous tool you are expected to handle properly whilst also doing several other non-intuitive processing tasks - like being asked to juggle loaded guns whilst reciting Shakespeare backwards from memory. I often think the difference between confident and unconfident drivers is just a failure on the part of the confident ones to really appreciate the danger they are in, and represent, when behind the wheel of a car.

The driving test, which if you have a canny instructor who knows the test routes you can practise a hundred times before you sit it, is totally unfit for purpose to ascertain if someone is actually a capable driver. But it's all we have to go on.

You need more lessons!

All of this is in the highway code and you should know how to tell what the speed limit is without local knowledge!

How do you think those of us cope that drive in unfamiliar places on our own all of the time? Quite frankly you sound like a danger to other road users.

So the DVLA disagree with you obviously given the OP passed her test. What is she supposed to do if she needs to drive, has been told she's fit to drive, but still lacks confidence - just stop because Eliza on tinternet says so? How is she then supposed to live independently in a world where public transport options are overpriced and less and less available?

She needs to take extra lessons or do the pass plus.

And just because people can pass their test, doesn't mean they are fit to drive, it just means they are capable of passing the test. How that then converts to real driving is totally different.

If you've been driving for years I can't fathom why you would ask any of the questions you did.
Your DH sounds like an ass, but I don't know how many times he's had to deal with you doing this and it'd probably piss me off too.
All roundabouts work the same whether marked and sign posted or not- you should know what to do.
As others have said- if it's not NSL it'll be clearly signposted otherwise- pay attention.
Re the car park!? I don't get it. Park in an empty space, I'm not sure what answer you were expecting here

I'm all for giving new drivers the leeway and benefit of the doubt they deserve - but you are not one and it is very worrying that you are driving like this with years of experience behind you.

Unpleasant behaviour but sounds as though he is frustrated with your driving? Maybe go out on your own more to get confidence, ask your friend for her HONEST opinion, get more lessons?

It's sat in a drawer somewhere with maps that are 9 years out of date!

I spent quite a bit on my satnav. Life time map updates and traffic. I can plan a route easily enough, I'm a bit nerdy about remembering maps and routes (im a legend on the underground). But i cant predict that theres an accident mid way through the route but if you turn off now youll save an hour stuck in traffic. I bought my sat nav after i did a 5 hour journey where each of the viable motorways went down with "serious accidents avoid" it took 8 hours. Sat nav, lane guidance, and traffic updates all the way for me.

Hi OP,

It's a mix of both, your DH is a bad passanger and you are too reliant on him. Just as you already decided, practice a bit more on your own.

When you are the driver, the choices and responsibility are ultimately yours. Plan your route ahead, even if it takes long, google street view is your friend. When I was a new driver it also helped to negotiate new routes in daylight first (wouldn't have been possible in your case though). Drive calmly, even if you take a bit of a detour that's ok just stay safe and calm. There will be a chance to stop and breathe and turn back later.

I also find I tend to lose concentration a bit when DH is in the car, just pretend he is not there and you will be fine :)

@ALLMYSmellySocks
But op has stated she has been driving for years and drive an hour a day regularly.

For heavens sake, some of the replies to this are ridiculous.

Turnings are super easy to miss in the dark if they haven't got reflective signage. No big deal, you just find somewhere to turn. Sheesh, I miss turnings in daylight sometimes if I'm driving somewhere new.

Sounds as though you would have got on a lot better without your DH shouting at you the whole way OP! In your shoes I would have got flustered and found it much harder with a snappy backseat driver on my case!

Don't be put off, just keep driving, and leave your DH at home if he can't be more constructive. The more you do the less you will doubt yourself.

I think if someone was shouting and swearing at me it would make me a damn site more nervous and as a result prob make more mistakes.

He was being a twat OP.

@Eliza

And just because people can pass their test, doesn't mean they are fit to drive, it just means they are capable of passing the test. How that then converts to real driving is totally different

I totally agree - and for some people, driving is just not a skill they will master confidently and all the practice and lessons in the world don't mean they will. This is why the driving test should be more rigorous, and als repeated every 5-10 years minimum to make sure people haven't fallen into bad habits/as a refresher. But you said she shouldn't be driving, then you say she should take more lessons - that is driving! Assuming she does these additional courses and still has no confidence and struggles (I do) - what then?

@Vebrb you can go anywhere on refresher lessons. We went to a local market town that meant a new motorway, a few big roundabouts, little bit town only. It was so useful. When I passed my test I used to go for a drive with no destination, picked left or right randomly depending on what was going on until I found a place name I fancied then I followed the route to that. One the way back I used my satnav. This was a really useful experience. Good luck. My husband is still an awful back seat driver so I rarely drive him.

I've been driving for 2.5 years. I'd not driven on the road I was on before. I couldn't see a speed limit sign. I thought maybe I'd missed one.

As said my partner told me it was 30. Not because he'd seen a sign but because well that was obviously what it was, etc. I should know that, and so on. Except he was also wrong even though he's been driving for nearly 30 years. So there you go.

In the car park there didn't seem to be any spaces so I wasnt sure if I'd missed one...I was conscious there were other cars ahead and behind me so I was trying not to hold anyone up. Turned out there were no spaces so everyone ended up double parking.

I do feel a bit submissive. Being shouted at kind of makes you feel like that. I do wonder if I'd posted this in relationships I'd have had different responses

I have poor night vision too OP. It hasn’t always been bad but since having eye surgery I get a lot of flaring at nights which is even worse in wet weather. Because of this I don’t drive anywhere if there is the slightest chance I will have to make any part of the journey in the dark. It’s a bit inconvenient at times but it’s the responsible thing to do. If you are aware you have similar difficulties you should restrict your driving to daylight hours.

Your partner was being horrible. I would refuse to drive him in the future.

First thing, if you can’t see in the dark and there isn’t any lighting on the road then you use your full beams. You are a danger on the road if you can’t see what you’re doing. Surely you understand that? Do you think, oh, I can’t see well in the dark so I didn’t see that pedestrian that I killed or, oops I crashed into someone’s wall and injured one of my passengers, is a reasonable,e defence? Not being able to see and not taking steps to fix that makes you a dangerous driver.

All the other things, well he was being a dick shouting at you. It’s dangerous as well because it could have caused you to have an accident. He should have been calm and given you clear instructions in a constructive manner.

I certainly would not be giving him lifts anywhere from now on, unless he apologises very sincerely for the way he treated you.

And you need to do some more driving in unfamiliar places, and practice using your sat nav. You can’t just not function as a driver in an unfamiliar place, it’s your responsibility as the driver to navigate the roads and lanes and roundabouts safely!

The main thing to actually answer your question OP is, it doesn't matter if you were unreasonable to drive, unreasonable to ask him etc etc - it is never acceptable to be abusive and intimidating to your partner by shouting at them. So everything else aside, HE was being unreasonable. It's not like he doesn't know what your driving is like; so if he can't handle that in a civilised way he ought not to be a passenger in your car.

Not being able to see and not taking steps to fix that makes you a dangerous driver

What steps is the OP supposed to ttake beyond what she has already done, gone to the optician and been told she has 20:20 vision and doesn't need any glasses/lenses? Is she supposed to argue with the optician's diagnosis?

I assume you are a little bit older? It does get harder to see in the dark once you get a bit older, but you can still have 20-20 vision at an eye test. That does not mean you are not safe to drive, it does mean it is easier to miss turn offs.
Someone shouting at you is not helpful when you are driving. It does not improve anyone's driving.
If you are not used to them, large roundabouts can be tricky. It takes more practice. And on dual carriageways you assume national speed limit unless you see signs saying otherwise.

Agree with poster above, if there really isn’t any way for you to drive safely in the dark then you can’t drive in the dark (given that you won’t be able to use full beams in all situations).

Also agree that if your partner can’t be a gracious and respectful passeneger then he shouldn’t have that privilege. I wouldn’t be taking him anywhere if he kept doing that.

This is worrying and although his shouting made you more nervous, I would have been very worried being a passenger with you driving. Obviously if you need to go right round a roundabout, exit 3, 4, or 5 you would need to be in the outside lane? Common sense or road sense tells you this? Then of course you may need to change lanes as you go around to be in the right lane for the exit. You need to read road signs and pay attention, lanes are usually marked on the ground also.
You are clearly not confident and lack knowledge of the Highway code. Go online and update this and book some advanced driving lessons.

I think it's important to know what your DH is usually like. Is he often rude, dismissive and aggressive? If not, and this outburst was completely out of character for him, then I would say the stress of driving with someone who doesn't know how to drive well might have played a part. Doesn't mean he was right to do it though.

It can be scary being a passenger in a car with a driver who doesn't seem to know what they are doing. I refuse to be in a car for this reason with my father. I love him dearly but I have on occasion shouted at home out of fear in the past when he has done something completely reckless.

I agree with other PP, you need more experience. You shouldn't need a passenger telling you what the speed limit is or what lane you should be in.

Mumsnet: "Driving is an essential adult life skill. Non-drivers are lazy leaches. Get driving lessons"

Also Mumsnet: "If you're not 100% perfect you've a shit driver and should stop doing so immediately".