AIBU to feel a little upset by this incident with partner...perspective needed

[Vebrb]

Recently we were driving to a family event. I don't drink, partner does so it made sense for me to drive (I offered). Also although I've been driving for a couple of years I've done very little motorway driving and want to increase this (route to the event was about a 50 min drive just over half of which was on motorway and not at a busy time so seemed a good opportunity).

I did have google maps on my phone to show the route but I don't find it great (I have got a proper satnav with lane assist but like a muppet I'd lent it to a friend and not got it back yet so phone it was). Foolishly I thought my partner would help me if I got confused.

Silly me.

Instead he was basically shouting at me...at one point we were turning right ahead but I wasnt sure which lane (roundabout and no road markings) he's bellowing turn right turn right...which fucking lane do you think?

Later I asked the speed limit (by this point was on a dual carriageway I'd looked for a sign but couldn't see one) so again hes like well what do you think it is, why are we telling you and so on...

When we arrived I missed the turning (dark country lane and I don't see well in the dark - I'm fine on roads with lighting etc I just couldn't see the turn) cue more shouting, ditto when we got to car park and I asked where to park - why was I asking, couldn't I work it out myself.

I only learnt to drive at his suggestion. He was really encouraging of me at the time and really patient but now it feels like he expects me to know it all and never ask anything. I don't expect constant advice (when I drive with one friend she's always telling me when to change lanes, turn etc which I don't need and find confusing) but I thought asking your partner for some help or advice if you weren't sure was ok. Aibu?

He was being an obnoxious back seat driver. I’d have left him to make his own way home. Tell him if he speaks to you like that again when you’re driving you’ll be kicking him out of the car as soon as it is safe to do so. Knob.

OP Just so that you know, the speed limit for a dual carriageway is not normally 70mph. If it is unmarked it is 70 mph only if there is a central reservation, otherwise it is 60mph.

And if he can’t reign his time in - ask him, under the same circumstances would he speak to his best mate the way he spoke to you?

I know speed limits. But i cant be expected to know by instinct if a dual carriagewqy is 40, 50 60 or 70 when I've never driven on it before!

It's not about instinct! If it's not National Speed Limit, then, after the first "big" speed limit change sign there will be smaller repeater signs telling you what the speed limit is. If there are none, you can assume it's NSL.

Sorry if I've missed someone else saying this.

In any event it might be worth you reading the Highway Code again just to brush up on this stuff rather than because you're in the middle of trying to pass your test.

Your DP shouting at you wasn't terribly helpful though.

I bet you’re a perfectly good driver when you’re on your own and your DH is just a dick. Shouting and belittling a already nervous driver is pointless he must know this. Therefore he is just being a dick.

I'm sorry but I find it VERY hard to believe there was a 5 exit roundabout with no sign before it and no lane markings!

had a similar experience many years ago in a traffic jam in the Earls Court one way system. Wouldn't do it now but I took the keys, got out, walked away against the traffic flow and left him there to mansplain it away. Got home about 8 hours later and he never mentioned how he got out of it. We never spoke of it at all. I'm not famous for patience.

Oh longwayoff Please ask one of his mates how he got out of it. I can't imagine he'd not have told any of them! And I couldn't not know!

There is definitely a sign before that roundabout. If you go on google earth OP and do the drive again virtually you'll be able to see it as well as the speed limit signs

He was wrong to shout at you. Just echoing PP that it sounds like you need more driving practice and building your confidence about how to drive in unfamiliar situations.

OP if you are nervous then him shouting will make you worse and even more nervous. Everyone makes mistakes when driving, as long as you are safe, if it is an area you are not familiar with than it can make your anxiety even more. Maybe book some motorway lessons with a calm and patient instructor so you gain more confidence on the bigger roads.

You really should go and get some lessons with an instructor on the motorway/at night/about roundabouts.

Some absolutely twattish posts on this thread. So many of them actually, piling on. Pathetic.

OP, I've missed country lane entrances before now, in daylight too. On at least one notable occasion I realised my error and did it again. I use my phone for satnav too sometimes, it's better for finding businesses.

When I drive in Surrey or anywhere on the M25 it's quite normal to have the last one or two lanes as 'turn right'. It's also quite normal to be on a dual carriageway (A55) and have speed limits from 40 all the way to 70.

I think some posters don't leave their little imaginations often and I wonder how many of them are actually drivers? We know they're judgemental and rude.

Your partner doesn't need to behave like that. If he cared for you more than he likes to show off and belittle you, he'd just answer you. As it is, he's an accident waiting to happen because he distracts you. I wouldn't drive him anywhere, let him take his own car - and tell him why. You're not a verbal punchbag, you're a person.

The highway code will do Dudley squat about dual carriageway that have speed limits different to normal. Just says to look for signs but sometimes they've been obscured, or knocked down etc.

I come across many roundabouts with a good number of exits and therefore lanes, and have driven round more than once because signage is ambiguous or road markings worn away.

As for night driving, you can still miss a turn in pitch black even with your lights on full. Depends on the road layout. I've done it before and I'm confident in my driving.

I won't, however, have my ex in the car ever again unless he is in the back seat in a straitjacket and gagged.

He made me feel so nervous as a driver constant yelling instructions and even reaching over to grab the wheel or blast my horn on occasions.

Ha Charlotte its over 45 years ago I'm afraid and he's been dead for 40 of those. We were a volatile couple and I remember it because we mutually came to an unspoken agreement that we'd never mention it again and, unusually, didn't. Back then, I expect the police gave him a helpful tow rather than leave a blockage on a main route. But we both felt we'd fought to a draw, I think. And the atmosphere was decidedly cool from then on.

Wow, some of the replies are a little harsh! OP has been driving for 2.5 years not 25 years, of course she's still getting used to driving under different conditions. Nowhere does she say she's had lots of accidents, so why assume she's a terrible driver and shouldn't be on the roads?

I've been in the car with people who have been driving 20 years and they've asked me to keep my eye out for which exit we need to take on the motorway, see if I can spot a space in a busy carpark, or have been unsure of the speed limit for a few moments at one time or another. I'm sure like the OP they could have safely taken a wrong turn and corrected their mistake, but two pairs of eyes in an unfamiliar area is better than one and noone likes to waste time trying to get back on track if it's not necessary. It wouldn't have occured to me to be a dick and shout at them or tell them they need to retake their test!

Dudley squat

Sounds like a midlands version of the twerk

There is something about two people in a car trying to figure out which way to go...

1. If you are the driver it is too easy to panic and get frustrated at the passenger for not giving you lots of timely information - you feel like they should be able to do so because they are not having to drive at the same time
2. There is something about being a passenger that it is too hard to give timely advice if you don't know the road well because you have to figure it and and give advice before it's too late

The combination leads to tension and arguments.

Plenty of practice is the key - because practice encourages confidence. With confidence it doesn't matter if you miss a turning, you just turn around and correct yourself. It's only when you are nervous of having to turn around that it becomes a bigger issue.

Confidence means you will understand road speeds better. As others have said, roads have key clues that tell you what the speed is likely to be if you haven't seen a sign yet. Learn them (street lights, dual or single roads, etc.) and be confident that if the speed limit is anything other than the standard for that type of road, you will be told frequently via signs. Plus, be sure you understand what a dual carriageway is - I was surprised recently that many people just think it means a road with two lanes.

Confidence also means you relax about roundabout turnings a bit more - it's not the end of the world to (safely!) have to go round a roundabout a couple of times to get the lane right for your turning.

If having your OP in the car reduces your confidence then I think you're right to practice more without him.

Use the little man in google maps to check the journey out ahead of time. It really helps to have virtually seen the roads and turnings so you can more easily recognise them when you come to do it for real. I do this all the time for new journeys and it really does help.

Get some practice in switching full beams on and off. They do make a massive difference to visibility so use them whenever it is safe to do so.

Good luck!

I felt anxious on unfamiliar roads when I’d only been driving two years. Cities have complex road systems with multiple lanes and signs that are hard to take in quickly enough, and country roads are long and bendy but if you miss your turn you can get totally lost. If I’d had a shouty partner I’d have been even more anxious.

It does get better with practice. I second the advice to go places that are unfamiliar on your own - including at night. Use satnav to find your way home. And get comfortable with your full beams - they’re how all drivers see at night in unlit areas! No wonder you couldn’t see well enough if you weren’t using them.

There’s nothing wrong with your driving that practice won’t fix. That and telling your partner to stop shouting (possibly a bigger problem than the driving).

whitesoxx my phone has some weird autocorrects 😁

Yes, he was being an a/hole.

You shouldn't be driving if you aren't confident.

Get your eyes tested - TODAY.

When you are a passenger take more notice of how others drive, the speed limits, roundabouts, etc.

Make your husband drive when you go out together from now on.

@whitesoxx Brilliant!

😂

Your partner was being an arse and from your latest updates, it sounds like he's an arse generally, not specifically with this one drive. Rethink your relationship. "Damned if you do and damned if you don't" makes it sound like you are walking on eggshells trying to figure out what to do or say to prevent him kicking off. That he always blames you for things that are his fault. Don't put up with this, please.

Other have mentioned the driving issues. Of course you should have your lights on full beam on a country lane in the dark (as long as nothing's coming towards you.) That's what they are there for!

Her DH may be a dick, possibly with the excuse that he was stressed at being driven by an inexperienced driver, but the majority of people responding with criticisms of her driving are definitely dicks, they have no excuse.

I don't think she did anything wrong.

Yes there are some very harsh and pious drivers on here, who obviously drive perfectly and never take a wrong turn or get lost. I am learning to drive, my instructor has said to me it is more difficult to drive at night as visability is reduced, on unlit country lanes even more so!