AIBU to feel a little upset by this incident with partner...perspective needed

[Vebrb]

Recently we were driving to a family event. I don't drink, partner does so it made sense for me to drive (I offered). Also although I've been driving for a couple of years I've done very little motorway driving and want to increase this (route to the event was about a 50 min drive just over half of which was on motorway and not at a busy time so seemed a good opportunity).

I did have google maps on my phone to show the route but I don't find it great (I have got a proper satnav with lane assist but like a muppet I'd lent it to a friend and not got it back yet so phone it was). Foolishly I thought my partner would help me if I got confused.

Silly me.

Instead he was basically shouting at me...at one point we were turning right ahead but I wasnt sure which lane (roundabout and no road markings) he's bellowing turn right turn right...which fucking lane do you think?

Later I asked the speed limit (by this point was on a dual carriageway I'd looked for a sign but couldn't see one) so again hes like well what do you think it is, why are we telling you and so on...

When we arrived I missed the turning (dark country lane and I don't see well in the dark - I'm fine on roads with lighting etc I just couldn't see the turn) cue more shouting, ditto when we got to car park and I asked where to park - why was I asking, couldn't I work it out myself.

I only learnt to drive at his suggestion. He was really encouraging of me at the time and really patient but now it feels like he expects me to know it all and never ask anything. I don't expect constant advice (when I drive with one friend she's always telling me when to change lanes, turn etc which I don't need and find confusing) but I thought asking your partner for some help or advice if you weren't sure was ok. Aibu?

You sound like you lack a lot of confidence and him shouting isn't going to help one bit. I would definitely take the advanced drivers test and also do more driving, that is the only way to gain confidence. preferably alone but still on unfamiliar roads. Do away with your sat nav with lane assist, this will not help with your confidence. You are a new driver with very little experience so I would also pop some P plates on your car to give other drivers the heads up on your inexperience. (Not that it will stop them swearing at you!!) Whenever you are driving on your own, give a running commentary on what you are observing, speaking out loud to yourself, this will help you to stay focussed on the road and your surroundings. It is amazing what people miss on the roads as they are not concentrating. Before I started my Advanced course I never missed a woman in a nice coat, but could easily miss a speed sign. Read your highway code and brush up on your road awareness. You can do this OP don't let people knock your confidence even more.

I had a motorway lesson after I passed my test and it was really useful. You need to book a few to improve your confidence and skills then plan some short motorway journeys. I think motorways are easier but the skills are different and you need to be confident and aware of your surroundings.

www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/legal/mobile-phone-laws/

It is illegal to use a hand-held mobile to follow a map.

If you wish to use smartphone navigation or a mapping app, fix the phone to the windscreen or dashboard, so it’s in clear view for use while driving (but not obstructing your view), without requiring you to hold or interact with it.

Also driving in the pitch black trying to turn into a pitch black driveway is also difficult. If you live in the middle of a town etc you may never have experienced this!!

I live rurally and drive in the pitch black every night in the winter! That's why you have beams - and use them! When I drive home on country roads I have my beams on at all times unless someone is coming towards me, then as soon as they've passed they go back on again. I can see perfectly fine in those circumstances and I wear glasses 24/7.

If I was driving somewhere I didn't know and was looking for a turning I wouldn't be driving along at 40mph as OP was.

Bare in mind that a lot of people responding to this have been driving for a long time and probably don't remember what it was like at the beginning or are naturally gifted.

I passed my test last year and my partner was like this sometimes, but I am also in an area where dual carriageways have lots of different limits due to roadworks etc. At the moment you are new to it all so are taking in a LOT of information as you drive and still having to concentrate a lot on things that will become normal as you drive more. You are still finding a lot of new situations, haven't done a million roundabouts. You have the training but not the experience. It will get easier, but not until you have been out without someone to lean on. I was so nervous driving and always doubted myself until I had to start travelling to my mums house 120 miles away by myself, and that's where I gained my confidence.

I still have my sat nav on at all times so I'm not worried about getting lost etc, but because I have been driving for a while now it is all becoming normal to me which allows me to take in a lot more information such as speed limits and it feels like I have a lot more thinking time as I'm not taking in so much new stuff constantly. At the beginning everything feels like it's happening too quickly and too much at a time but it soon passes when you go out by yourself. Just do lots of little trips by yourself until you are used to it OP. It gets a whole lot easier I promise.

As for turnings in the dark, noone can spot them every time! I live in the middle of nowhere and it's near impossible to see some turnings if you don't know the area.

Don't sweat it OP, your partner was being very impatient but probably does not remember how it was in the beginning (mine had the same issue) or they just were not a nervous driver at the start. It get's much easier, but you won't gain confidence while someone else is there to lean on / giving you pointers.

Let the friend hang onto your gps and drive without it for a while, in the daytime in areas you’re familiar with so looking out for signs becomes second nature. Read through your Highway Code again too, it’s always good to refresh your memory and that will help with confidence too.

Also book an appointment with an optician and explain about your issues with night driving and they might give you glasses to help.

Avoid driving with people who shout and stress you out. Next time your partner wants to drink socially tell him you’re not driving him home because he’s an arse.

He was bang out of order.
The only way to increase your confidence is to drive more.
I struggle at night - I’ve been to the optician, nothing wrong. Several people I know say the same especially ref hypnotic flashing road cones on the motorway.

Hahaha!! I remember car journeys with otherwise sane loving people often turning out like this prior to sat navs!!!

Actually my parents are still like this. They never program the sat nav for the exact location so rows ensue when they can lost. Theyge been married 60 odd years and are one of the most phenomenal partnerships i know.

Sat Navs save an awful lot of car journey arguments

The problem with refresher lessons is they'll be on roads I know ( and on those roads I'm fine) - I can't have a refresher on every road I might travel on. I can drive on our local dual carriageways. I actually feel happier about the motorway too now.

I thinkas some helpful pp have said, I probably would benefit most from doing some short motorway drives on my own (or with my DC).

You are a new driver with very little experience
at the moment you are new to it all

I feel like i'm missing something. OP has been driving for years, so why are people posting as though this isn't the case.

Good grief you guys, humans as a species don't see well at night. This is why cars have lights. Each and every one of you should be aware of how difficult things are to see in the dark when there are no street lights, and if you're not aware of this then you need to do more driving outside of the cities. THIS is why reflective gear is so important for pedestrians and cyclists (and road signs).

OP people are being almost as dickish to you here as your DP was in the car. Getting aggressive with you is only going to stress you out more, he needs to learn how to keep his temper/fear in check if he is to sit as passenger in your car.

I don't think you sound like a terrible driver and I see people making these type of mistakes pretty much every day I'm on the roads, but I would second those saying give advanced driving lessons a try. My husband was a late starter to driving and passed, but still lacked road knowledge IMO, he did an advanced driving course with ROSPA for free and it was ace, all about anticipatory driving.

Your partner is an idiot as shouting at people makes them more, not less, likely to have an accident. Says it all that you drove better when he was asleep- keep practicing!

And you aren't driving and observing the signs either. Your area is not unique and there is a sign as you approach a roundabout with 4 lanes and 5 exits.

They're often not clear though. The simplified graphic used on road signs often bears little resemblance to the road layout.

I've been driving for 43 years and DP for 40. We've had 3 (very minor) accidents between us in that time. Only a few days ago, we found a couple of places on a route we've never been on before where the signage on the run-up to a roundabout was very ambiguous.

DP was a motorcycle courier for 13 years, and he's brilliant at finding his way about. I swear he has a satnav in his head, but he still finds it difficult to know what lane he needs to be in occasionally.

I didn't have my full beam on when driving down the country road. That was possibly a mistake by me. I was doing 40 because it was a 60mph road and I had about 4 cars right behind me (and partner was telling me to drive at right speed etc).

I cant see well in the dark. I've not disputed that. But according to many people thats normal. I never have a problem in an area with street lighting.

OP do you think you're possibly a bit overly dependent on a sat nav?

I've never used one and so have to look at all road signs for where my turning is and how far away it is etc. If you're used to following google maps it's not surprising you got a bit confused.

I didn't have my full beam on when driving down the country road.

I'm sorry, but why on earth not?!

Also, what helped my partner understand me was explaining it this way:
Toddlers that have just learned to walk spend a lot of their concentration on the actual process of walking and therefore bump into things.

You are hopefully not bumping into things, but you are spending a fair bit of concentration on the mechanics of driving a car, and of understanding what is going on with different road types, how fast you will break, how fast you are accelerating, what speed you are doing, etc.

This means less time / brain power for what will be normal to look out for to long time drivers - road speed, roundabouts, etc. So you will have to work harder to get all that info as well and process it in time.

Once everything else is old hat to you and your car feels like an extension of you body, concentrating on those normal things such as speed limits / road signs is now priority and the main task so feels easier as you no longer feel like you are doing a million things at once.

It's just practise

I think you’re getting harsh replies here OP! It’s always nerve wracking doing your first night motorway drive and I think a few of the posters here have been driving for too long to remember that.

As a passenger I always see it as my role to assist the driver with directions etc as I’m always grateful they are driving. He should have been directing you and being helpful, not shouting and being horrible! Is he always like this or was this out of character?

Sounds like you have low confidence in situations that are new to you , perhaps have a few confidence building lessons from a good driving instructor to both install some confidence and to act as a revision on things that you are lacking experience and confidence with

at one point we were turning right ahead but I wasnt sure which lane (roundabout and no road markings)

Later I asked the speed limit (by this point was on a dual carriageway I'd looked for a sign but couldn't see one)

When we arrived I missed the turning (dark country lane and I don't see well in the dark - I'm fine on roads with lighting etc I just couldn't see the turn)

Should you be driving?

I don't think you should.

Sat Navs save an awful lot of car journey arguments

I don't use one. I had one for a while, for a very specific purpose, and I found it frankly fucking irritating. It's sat in a drawer somewhere with maps that are 9 years out of date! I also found it distracting and think I drive better without it.

I use maps, my sense of direction and AA Autoroute. I remember all all the major bits (eg M23/M25/M40 to Jct16) and then bullet points for the last bit. I write them in big letters on a piece of A4 in black marker, and keep it on the passenger seat so I can take a quick glance when I need to. If there's a bit that looks particularly awkward, I might check it out on street view beforehand.

I quite enjoy the challenge of it, tbh, and it's a good life skill to have.

*Should you be driving? confused

I don't think you should.*

So the DVLA disagree with you obviously given the OP passed her test. What is she supposed to do if she needs to drive, has been told she's fit to drive, but still lacks confidence - just stop because Eliza on tinternet says so? How is she then supposed to live independently in a world where public transport options are overpriced and less and less available?

I only use a satnav if I'm going somewhere unfamilar. Before this trip I'd last used one about a month ago when I was going to pick up a parcel a few miles away and didn't quite know the route.

Sorry OP, I’m quite a patient person generally but stuff like this annoys me. Either you know how to drive, or you don’t and sating things like ‘I can’t see in the dark’ sends off huge red flags to me!

My (soon to be DH) is a good driver but absoloutley pants with directions. I mean we’ve lived in our area our whole lives and he quite often can’t navigate his way around (OUR WHOLE LIVES!)

We will have driven the EXACT same route 5 times that week and he’ll panic at a junction and ask me which way he should be turning! He won’t use satnav as it’s ‘just local’

He’s a high earner in a very competitive career so he has no underlying issues causing this (been screened for everything) but it’s reached a point where before we set off I’ll say ‘if you don’t know your way, tell me now and I’ll drive. If you freak out and ask me for directions - I’m getting out and walking home!’

• I have bad car sickness when passenger and it’s made severely worse by dithery disjointed driving!!!

Sorry OP, I’m quite a patient person generally but stuff like this annoys me. Either you know how to drive, or you don’t

Have to say this is so obviously bollocks - why do you think insurance premiums vary to much. Someone who just passed their driving test or who hasn't had much experience is obviously going to be a less confident and less able driver than someone with years of regular practise. The general advice is to do was OP is doing get someone to go driving with you if it's an unfamiliar drive so they can offer encouragement and advice. If you're so lacking in patience you can't offer that help you probably need to work on it.