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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 28/03/2019 23:01

No marriage is affair proof. Guys think with their dicks and it doesn't matter how they feel about their family. You never know. There will always be some excuse for the cheating if it happens. So while I hope you are 100% correct, please don't be complacent about this. It happens all the time.

frenchonion · 28/03/2019 23:02

When you say 'taken with her', what do you mean? (I know what the phrase means, I mean more how have you come to that conclusion) How is his behaviour towards her?

SwoopTheJackpot · 28/03/2019 23:04

I'd keep a close eye on it.

reallybadidea · 28/03/2019 23:04

He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

I've heard that about lots of men who have had affairs.

recrudescence · 28/03/2019 23:06

You need to crush this while it’s still fragile.

MancaroniCheese · 28/03/2019 23:06

I thought mine was affair proof. I really believed that XH would be too honourable to cheat.

He is not a bad man, in fact I would say he is a good man, with strong morals and values etc etc but his head got turned when we were at a low point and thus ensued an EA

Nnnnnineteen · 28/03/2019 23:07

Do nothing. If he will cheat, he will cheat. My marriage was affair proof... so I thought.

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 23:07

He talked about her a lot initially. They seem to have a lot in common. He goes out of his way to help her with things. I don’t know, I can just tell. He gets a bit defensive about her. I have never criticised her but if I did I know he would defend her. I think he just really likes her as a person. It doesn’t help that she’s rather conventionally attractive.

When I see them together there’s nothing untoward but they do seem close. She seems to know a lot about him and the minutiae of his life. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

OP posts:
GoodMornin · 28/03/2019 23:08

I'm not sure that any marriage is completely affair proof, depending on circumstance.
If it were me I would talk to him and just be honest about how you feel.

gamerchick · 28/03/2019 23:08

No marriage is affair proof OP. I'm very secure and happy in mine but I dont take it for granted.

Id be narrowing my eyes in your shoes and keeping an eye on it.

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 23:09

Can you elaborate please recrudescence. I don’t want my husband to think I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 28/03/2019 23:10

Nope, you can never ever trust anyone 100%.

gamerchick · 28/03/2019 23:12

Who gives a fuck if he thinks you are though? Be unreasonable if you want.

I know if my husband gave me a poke about a male friend I'd be all ears because his feelings matter and I would like to think visa versa. If he waved me off as being unreasonable I'd be mighty fucked off.

MyKingdomForBrie · 28/03/2019 23:12

No, it's not, to be blunt. Tricky to know what you could do, except maybe gently asking really honestly if he feels at all concerned about his friendship with her. If he is the kind of man you think him maybe he'll be able to be honest with himself at this point.

TheVanguardSix · 28/03/2019 23:13

Yep. What recrudescence said.

IncrediblySadToo · 28/03/2019 23:13

Sadly your marriage, like ANY other, is a ‘bomb proof’ as a cardboard shelter.

It’s time for a straight up conversation along the lines of ‘We are married, if you no longer wish to be that’s your choice, but do the decent thing & leave before you have an affair with ‘xyz’. She might be lovely, but you need to decide which - your marriage or your infatuation with her - is the most important to you because you cannot have both. Walk away from our marriage or your relationship with her’

When he bleats on about her being a friend, tell him that’s not happening if he wants to stay married. He cuts all contact with her, or he leaves you for her. No debate about how men & women can be friends...not unless you want to watch your marriage get thrown away by infatuation.

TatianaLarina · 28/03/2019 23:14

Mentionitis.

Being anti-cheating doesn’t really stop people for falling for someone else, it just ‘happened’.

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 23:15

I like your suggestion MyKingdomForBrie but do you think that, if he does have feelings for her, maybe they’ll just burn themselves out. I’m worried that discussing it openly might bring things to a head prematurely and not in my favour.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 28/03/2019 23:16

Yep as in agreeing with a (well, every) poster. But no, you can’t put a force field around a marriage, unfortunately.

littleyellowpencil · 28/03/2019 23:16

The bit that worried me was when you said he is quite defensive of her.... that is a 🚩

WendyCope · 28/03/2019 23:16

Ha Ha. No, definitely no marriage is 'affair proof'. No. Matter. Who.

I am not prepared to explain, you'll just have to trust me on this.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/03/2019 23:17

Tell him to knock it off now Hmm
(Whilst he can)

recrudescence · 28/03/2019 23:18

What you say about the nature of their friendship is, in my opinion, not really compatible with the exclusivity expected in marriage. In your place, I’d tell my husband that I was not at all happy with his new relationship. I think you need to nip this in the bud.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/03/2019 23:18

So you’re already worried he'll choose her over you?! Confused
Well in that case your marriage is over, no?

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 28/03/2019 23:19

Are you and your DH emotionally close? Do you share your feelings, hopes etc? My DH is the person I share most with and vice versa - it's our partnership which makes me certain he is faithful, not an abstract belief in family etc.

If that partnership broke down all sorts of things would be at risk including emotional and physical fidelity but as it is I have no concerns.

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