To think my marriage is affair proof?

[PinaColada66]

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

I know of a situation where it looks like this is happening. I don’t know if it is. The husband fawns all over the other woman though. She is gloriously good looking and also lovely. Who knows what is happening in reality? At best, he is fawning over her like a puppy, which is disrespectful. At worst, they are having an affair or just about holding off. Either way, all of us around this feel dreadfully sorry for the wife who clearly has no clue. So yes, i agree that even if nothing has happened, it’s ones duty as a partner to maintain a respectful distance from all potential allegations of affair or attraction. I can’t say I’d walk out, but I would most certainly be putting a serious ultimatum in front of my partner and following through if something didn’t change.

I have also lived through being cheated on. It is utterly soul destroying. Leaving is devastating but not as much as the visceral self hatred you feel from staying.

Go with your gut instinct on this. If you think something seems a bit off stick to your guns. x

So sorry OP, I've just read most of the thread and saw the update. Just trust your instincts on this and don't feel swayed. Judging from what you've said he clearly has feelings for her. I was in your position 18 months ago and it took a further year to find out actual proof. He turned into someone unrecognisable and I left him straightaway. No marriage/partnership is affair proof unfortunately.

Agree with the part about not making close friends of the opposite sex after marriage. It just seems wrong to me. I don’t see enough of my husband and my close female friends. I think if I started disappearing down the pub with a new male friend he wouldn’t be happy and I wouldn’t be if he did he same.

We both respect this.

@delatron I assume none of your female friends are lesbian or bisexuals?

I really feel for bisexual people. They can't have any close friends at all outside a marriage

@chouetted

I'm sure they can and do

Not sure of your point tbh

Hes known her a hot minute, less than a year. The fact that he won't put his wife's valid feelings over what is a v new friendship speaks volumes. Also what self respecting married women confides and cries on the shoulder of a guy "friend" she has known less than a year. it simply doesn't happen unless there is more to this friendship than meets the eye. Especially as she is so amazing and kind she must have would be girlfriends lining up !
I too think you need to take swift decisive action. I don't mean leave but certainly nip this in the bud. I would be suggesting counselling so he can get another perspective on things

@mrjollylivesnextdoor Well if a heterosexual person making friends of the opposite sex is morally wrong, then it logically follows that a lesbian can only have male friends, and a bisexual person can have no friends at all.

It's not my viewpoint, or my morals, I'm just trying to understand it.

I really feel for bisexual people. They can't have any close friends at all outside a marriage

I guess as long as they're not befriending married people and behaving inappropriately, they'll be doing just fine.

Delatron's point was about 'not making close friends of the opposite sex after marriage'.

It's not just making friends though
He seems infatuated by her

And surely a bisexual friend would only be an issue if you were also of the same persuasion?
For example if I were to have a close bisexual female friend this would not be an issue as I am neither bisexual nor gay

For example... My DH has several old women friends that he goes way back with.

I've befriended all of them, and get on great with them.

Slightly different, isn't it, from a new friend who suddenly appears and seems to need all his attention and care, and who he's not all that keen on introducing me to?

For example if I were to have a close bisexual female friend this would not be an issue as I am neither bisexual nor gay

That's not how it works:

bisexual
/bʌɪˈsɛkʃʊəl/
adjective
1.
sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender; attracted to both men and women.

Chouetted if you are bisexual don't get lesbian friends, only straight

Don't know the answer, I'm bisexual myself but because have been married a long time there was no reason to declare it to anyone. Only told one at the time relatively new female friend (because someone who knew her before me was convinced she was bi - she wasn't!) and it didn't improve our relationship. She was awkward about it and brushed it under the carpet.
I do know two women who left their longstanding DH's for lesbian partners (both women eventually started thinking of themselves as gay), so I can see how the world would view bi people suspiciously. The answer for everyone I guess is not to go there even in your head if you feel the friendship has mutual potential for more. Not all people of whatever sexuality have enough self-awareness or plain motivation to cherish their main relationship...

P.S. wanna be friends? 😀

Yeah, I meant the bisexual friend as being the married one.

I'm in my 30s. Pretty much everyone I know is either married, or in a stable long term relationship, including my closest friends. It's basically a given by this age. Oh, except the guy who's getting divorced because his wife ran off with a lesbian (and she was straight before she did that).

Non close friends aren't really worth having, they're just people you happen to know. I have limited contact with my parents, so I rely on my (in relationships!) friends to fill the gap.

I personally think it's fine so long as no-one is being inappropriate, which the OP's DH is, but that clearly isn't everyone's viewpoint.

"But to throw your marriage away after 25 years because your husband mistakenly accused you(and we can't talk about why he did without the facts) - sounds more like she used it as an excuse to leave him to be honest." Totally agree.

"Trust isn’t something that’s there or not. Trust is something you both continually work on." Exactly

Sculpin - no emotional betrayal is just as devastating as a physical one and an emotional affair just as damaging to the original relationship. Personally I could have forgiven a ons I have done with other relationships (but while making it clear it wasn't to be repeated) but not the emotional investment in another person. It was the declarations of love I found hardest to read more than evidence of it becoming physical.

"Why don’t you just talk to him? Tell him how to feel and explain exact.y what you’ve said here about his face and that look. See what he says, as well as how he reacts. If you are still concerned, ask him to dial back on the friendship. If he respects you, he will understand." Op HAS talked to him he's simultaneously been dismissive and made it clear he highly values this friendship more than his wife's concerns, he's already refused to even consider reassessing the relationship iirc.

As a bisexual woman myself I don't think the issue is having friends that belong in the group to which you are attracted, it's about appropriate behaviour.

I was married for 10 years we were together for 13 which I know isn't long to some and in that time we both had friends of both sexes, glb too and occasionally found ourselves attracted to others but prior to his affair we'd been honest about this with each other and even traded each other about it, these crushes never amounted to anything. The OW was a colleague of his who I also got to know and she and I (I thought) were friends too and socialised without him, we were all friends for about 2 years before the affair started and that unfortunately allowed him to initially say things like "oh come on! It's X we've known her years don't be ridiculous" but in addition to the usual signs from him I noticed she'd cooled toward me too and started to be awkward around me and cancelled things we planned to do together.

I believe in gut instinct, not as a supernatural entity but a way of describing how we interpret the unconscious clues we get to a situation. I'm sure I picked up on (in addition to more obvious stuff) body language, facial expressions and possibly things like changes in pheromones when she was around/I was observing their interactions/his behaviour when she was mentioned.

I know plenty of gay / bisexual couples who have broken up because got way too friendly / infatuated with a ‘friend’.

I guess for the me the differences are between a genuine friend and EA:

• one person is having relationship trouble and starts confiding. For some reason no one else will do. This isn’t ‘shared’ confiding - it’s directed at one person only.
• there is attraction which is not acknowledged. Far more likely to be a friend if you are open and up front about it to everyone.
• intensity.
• someone’s ego is being massively boosted. This doesn’t happen in friendships in the same way at all.
• very defensive about the new friendship
• not wanting friend to be shared or part of wider group. Exclusivity. ESP of the persons actual partner.
• both people not caring about their partners or whether they are hurt. In fact making out either partner is controlling.

@graphista yes I’ve had both EA and actual cheating. The EA was worse. Absolutely devastating. I think because of the ghosting - that our hurt is just pathetic jealousy, when actually the betrayal is brutal.

Its tricky for the OP though.
He will just keep saying ‘why can’t I have female friends, why are you saying who I can be friends with?’

I kind of think this is why DH and I just don’t do it as you are in grey area. I have male friends from before I was married. I wouldn’t start to spend time with a new male friend on a frequent basis. I’m happy that my marriage is like this it avoids the above situation!

Not saying this is right or wrong. I guess with bisexual/ lesbians I’m not that way inclined so there’s no threat to my marriage?

Again, every marriage is different as to what you are prepared to accept. I barely see my husband as he works so much so if he said ‘oh I’m off out with my new best friend Lucy every week’ it wouldn’t go down well. Rightly or wrongly.

Don't be complacent or smug op.
The fates don't like it.

Well, I’ve said it didn’t look like an excuse from where I’m standing but what do I know? I’ve only known her in real life for ten years. Obviously you all know better.

Well, this thread has gone in a new direction!

I don't think any marriage is affair proof

As a PP said, in a LTR, it's understandable you might meet someone you find attractive. What matters is what you do about it

It's not just making friends though
He seems infatuated by her

This is the problem, he appears to have had his head turned. It would be totally different if this was a woman he'd known for years and just exchanged occasional texts with.

Any updates OP?

@Triglesoffy I agree and I dont think it's entirely appropriate, given that this is about the OP.