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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
ItsAllGone19 · 29/03/2019 06:03

There's a man I work with who could described as the perfect husband and family man. He lives for his wife and kids and twists himself in all sorts of shapes to make their lives fantastic.

Anybody that knows him would bet their right arm that he'd never cheat on her.

I know for a fact that he has cheated on her, on more than one occasion over several years with the same person but only as a 'friends with benefits' kind of approach so there's no 'proof' unless they get caught together which is how I know...I caught him coming out of her room at 4am after a team event so now I know the full story

Basically no marriage is affair proof. There is no way to prevent someone cheating on you. Someone is either faithful or they aren't.

HomoHeinekenensis · 29/03/2019 06:22

I think a high proportion of men, given the opportunity would cheat. A really high proportion if they were sure they would never be found out would. It's something that is hardwired into them. They feel they 'deserve' something a bit different simply because whatever.
I am from a working class background but when I started my first proper job with middle class professionals I was stunned by what I heard and saw. Nothing has changed over the years and I am old now :)

As for advice. The PP that said to tell him the relationship makes you uncomfortable has advice I think you should follow. You are not being prescriptive. You are telling him a fact. Tell him how it is making you feel and then go quiet. If in a while you find he has not moderated his behaviour in any way you have your answer. You may not like the answer but at least you will have clarity in your life which you do not currently have.

Dimsumlosesum · 29/03/2019 06:26

The nicest, kindest, sweetest, most loving and devoted husbands have been discovered shagging sex workers/friends/colleagues/randomers etc. Queue everyone utterly gobbedsmacked/shocked/can't believe it because just everyone says how wonderful he is, the marriage was honestly great etc.

No one, NO ONE, has an "affair proof" marriage. Even if you could be the most devoted, loyal partner ever, some people will just be inclined to cheat, no matter what.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 29/03/2019 06:29

Vocal pronouncements about the importance of family and ostentatious wonderfulness might make me a bit Hmm. But that's a general point. I agree with the advice of a PP to tell him it's making you uncomfortable. He will then act according to his priorities.

PlumPorter · 29/03/2019 06:30

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

I know a woman who says this.

I also know her husband...

londonrach · 29/03/2019 06:37

Seriously op...no marriage is affair proof. Sounds like your dh is beginning an emotional affair so yours isnt.

Loopytiles · 29/03/2019 06:39

OP hasn’t been back awhile.

chaosisaladder · 29/03/2019 06:39

I have seen it all my life.

It’s not a nice realisation, and even I feel uncomfortable reading this, even though I don’t currently have anything like this to worry about in my own marriage. It can, and does, happen to anyone.

maddening · 29/03/2019 06:40

I think there is a lot of good advice here to help you craft the way you approach this conversation.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 29/03/2019 06:41

I would watch out
Someone very close to me (who was very moral put it that way ) had an affair
Found on in the death bed which was pretty shitty I have to say

So yeah Sad

BeardyButton · 29/03/2019 06:44

No marriage or relationship is bomb proof. I treat my marriage like it is precious. And vulnerable. Twice. In 15 years. I met men who i felt an instantaneous attraction for. I saw this as a threat. And i avoided them. And i told my husband. Talk to him. Ask him how he is feeling. Its natural to have attractions to others. But he does nt have to endorse those feelings. Tell him affairs dont 'just happen'. They are the outcome of conscious decisions. At the start, decisions to be around someone you know you have inappropriate feelings for. Later on. Other decisions.

Fridasrage · 29/03/2019 06:44

A few thoughts

  • i think it's perfectly natural for people to have crushes on other people outside their marriage, and to continue those friendships. Something doesn't cross into the realm of an 'emotional affair' just because a married person enjoys the company of a friend they find attractive. You say you don't believe your husband would cheat on you. I really find it hard to believe that most marriages proceed to the death of a partner without the people in it feeling attraction to other people at some stage or other. Its how they act in response to that that counts.
  • That said, IMO it's also completely normal for you to feel threatened and jealous of this person. As long as you don't act poorly towards your husband out of jealousy or insecurity, that's perfectly healthy. (Just to note: some of the suggestions in the comments would put you squarely in the wrong here)
  • I think you can and should communicate your feelings of insecurity to your husband in an emotionally honest way without forcing him to give up this friendship or laying ultimatums. It seems like all the vocabulary you need for that conversation you've said in your posts. It might go like this:

"Could we talk about something that’s been bothering me lately? I want to preface this by saying that you’re a lovely, lovely man and I know how important family is to you.
However, I’m starting to feel insecure because of your friendship with _. You seem to like her quite a lot, and after meeting her I can understand why – she’s very nice.
I know you want me to trust you, but right now I’m having a hard time feeling completely relaxed about this friendship. I feel a bit threatened by her as she’s quite different to me. It’s making me worry about our marriage. "

Walkaround · 29/03/2019 06:45

Does his family are important thing extend beyond children being of leaving home age? I've known a few marriages end the minute the children leave home, with wives finding out their dh had been having an affair for years and now wanted to move in with his "soulmate", claiming the actual wives had in fact made them miserable for years and were dreadful (not that they told the wives that they were making them miserable at the time - but they needed to tell themselves and the world that to maintain their internal narrative that they were nice guys dealt a bad hand in marriage, not dishonest, self-centred and self-justifying. One even had an adolescent child by the other woman that he'd kept secret).

spaniorita · 29/03/2019 06:49

I know what you mean OP. When I met my dh 17 years ago we were 19, he came from a Christian family and didn't believe in sex outside of marriage so we waited for over 5 long bloody years . I'd hope that belief still stands, but I couldn't guarantee it if a younger mode were to turn his head in the office. Flattery is a dangerous thing.

LemonJuiceandSugar · 29/03/2019 06:54

I think there are different pathways to cheating. Just because someone won't go on a work trip and sleep with a woman they meet in a hotel bar doesn't mean they wouldn't slowly develop feelings over a long period of time for someone they genuinely like and respect as a person.

Littlepond · 29/03/2019 07:01

I always look at these things a little differently - I’m bisexual so would be equally likely to have feelings for a woman as a man, does that mean I’m not allowed close friends at all because I might cheat with one of them?

DH and I have complete trust in our marriage. He has female and male friends. As do I. I go for drinks and dinner with male friends, the same as I do with female. DH too. We just have to trust each other 🤷‍♀️

I know I’m in the minority with this but I don’t understand why I should stop DH having female friends. If he’s gonna cheat, he’s gonna cheat. I don’t think he will, but he might. From his perspective, so might I. I’m not going to stop having close friends just because sometimes people cheat on other people.

MrsJackRackham · 29/03/2019 07:07

@BadLad 😂 Kill her

Walkaround · 29/03/2019 07:08

Littlepond - that's disingenuous. I'm sure the OP's dh has other friends, but the OP appears to have picked up a different feel to this particular relationship which is unsettling her.

Loopytiles · 29/03/2019 07:10

OP’s H met this woman recently, has “mentionitis” and seemingly shared quite personal information with her.

OP seems concerned that if she doesn’t play the “cool wife” this will increase the risks of an affair.

Not good signs.

longwayoff · 29/03/2019 07:14

Ohhhh. Everyone is susceptible to temptation, longstanding religions have been founded on this. I'm sure he is everything you say he is but what of her? If she doesn't share your mutual values then it could be a problem in the making.

HJWT · 29/03/2019 07:15

@PinaColada66 I know my marriage is 'affair proof' my husband wouldn't even think of spending time with another woman let alone become 'taken with' one 😬

MrsMozartMkII · 29/03/2019 07:15

Talk to him OP. Don't accuse him, as there's nothing, so far as you've posted, to accuse him of. Just let him know it's making you feel odd and uncomfortable.

Ninkaninus · 29/03/2019 07:16

My OH is a wonderful, principled man, very heavily motivated by honour and duty in many ways that thoroughly permeate his character.

He could still fall in love with someone else. It happens to lots of people, and not only to ‘bad’ people.

Life is not black and white.

I trust him completely, but I also allow him his humanity.

dementedma · 29/03/2019 07:17

Or maybe op's dh and this woman are, you know, friends.Without benefits. It does happen, even for married people!

Ninkaninus · 29/03/2019 07:17

On the more specific issue here, I would talk to him and just say be careful.