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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
HoldMyGirl · 29/03/2019 07:23

The part that rang alarm bells for me was when you said that he spoke about her a lot initially

Has he stopped and become more secretive?

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2019 07:23

Or maybe op's dh and this woman are, you know, friends.Without benefits. It does happen, even for married people!

But when a friendship, platonic, male/female, whatever, starts pushing between a couple then it needs to slow down and back away a bit, surely?

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 29/03/2019 07:27

Thanks everyone for all of your messages. I think you’re right and I’m going to have to say something about how this is making me feel. As I say, he’s a good man and perhaps he’ll be able to see it from my side.

OP posts:
nespressowoo · 29/03/2019 07:28

Sounds like this could already be bordering on an emotional affair. You need to nip this in the bud pronto.

Cautionsharpblade · 29/03/2019 07:29

I used to hate it when my husband told me I couldn’t have male friends. Very controlling and also insulting to me and my marriage vows

Lifeover · 29/03/2019 07:35

I’m afraid no marriage is affair proof. I’ve seen a lot of men who love their family hate cheaters etc go on to have an affair when a number of points line up. Coincidentally I think these men are often the sort that get away with it (most affairs seem to fizzle out before they are discovered).

Loopytiles · 29/03/2019 07:37

OP’s situation is different from one of a controlling, jealous spouse, Caution.

OP has basis for her concerns.

OracleOfDelphinium · 29/03/2019 07:42

@Stressedoutpa If DH told me he was unhappy that I was spending too much time with another man I would absolutely heed what he was saying and knock it on the head

It's easy to say this if you're in a basically good and functional marriage. Sometimes, though, decent people slither into things for all kinds of complicated reasons (and I'm not 'victim blaming' by saying this: it takes two to make a marriage fall apart).

No, I wouldn't say anyone's marriage is affair proof.

Cautionsharpblade · 29/03/2019 07:45

Any ‘basis’ is so far only one-sided. There’s no clue as to what the female friend feels. Why assume she’d bang someone else’s husband at the drop of a hat? Maybe she’s just, you know, a friend.

AFPH123 · 29/03/2019 07:48

No marriages are affair proof

Playtive · 29/03/2019 07:49

With my Ex I would be one hundred percent confident he would never cheat, he was good to the core it simply wasn’t in his nature and never would have happened. With my DH I could never be as certain.

If my DH was behaving as yours is I would be concerned and would make my feelings clear. My husband being “taken with” another woman would be absolutely unacceptable to me, particularly as she’s an attractive woman - shallow though that is I think men are shallow creatures for the most part...

Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and see what his reaction is. If he has nothing to hide and cares about his wife’s feelings (which he should) then he’ll take a step back from her. If he gets defensive and stroppy I’d be slightly unnerved.

HarrysOwl · 29/03/2019 07:51

No marriages are affair proof

I think there are exceptions. There always are.

Climbingahoneytree · 29/03/2019 07:54

Why is everyone assuming something is going on? From what the OP has said (which has just been speculative) it doesn't sound like he has actually done anything?

Yes talk to him if you are uncomfortable but I don't understand everyone's LTB attitude.

Climbingahoneytree · 29/03/2019 07:55

OP what makes you say he is taken with her?

bethy15 · 29/03/2019 08:02

Is she from work?
How has he suddenly made a new female friend and why are they now so close?

No marriage is affair proof, it doesn't matter how much someone goes on about loyalty or family, sometimes those who go on about something so much are quite the opposite.

JinglingHellsBells · 29/03/2019 08:06

@Pinacalada66

So many questions around this one!

1 How does he know this woman? Where did he find his 'new friend'? Work? Sport? Something he does on his own without you?

2 How do you know he's 'taken with her'?

Is he going to be allowed to have platonic female friends within your marriage?

Why do you think this is not just a friendship?

Why do you feel insecure?

As for your question, men AND women can have affairs and usually it's to fill a gap in their marriage when they feel unfulfilled.

Lots of women say men think with their dicks, which may cover ONS and 'flings' but most of the real evidence is that men are looking for emotional intimacy and women (hey hey!) are the ones looking for sex, in affairs.

nodtik · 29/03/2019 08:08

No no no

I would have said the same about my ex husband, pro family, pro marriage - until his head was turned by a colleague!

Left me for her! Now remarried to her!

Be very suspicious 😒

I was left heartbroken with two young boys 😢

ginghamtablecloths · 29/03/2019 08:13

I think it is rare that a marriage is 100% affair proof because life's like that - there are no guarantees.

It depends on personality and and opportunity.

My late husband was very unlikely to cheat because he was lovely, faithful and didn't have the energy or the opportunity. Therefore very unlikely to cheat but there's always going to be that little insecure 1% niggle. It's best not to be overconfident or complacent.

Making sure you are happy together and keep communicating helps.

HarrySnotter · 29/03/2019 08:23

Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

I don't think you are. If your spidey senses are tingling, there's a reason for it. This absolutely needs to be nipped in the bud right now.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 29/03/2019 08:27

How did he meet her?

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 29/03/2019 08:32

He met her at work and they just got on really well apparently. She left the company in January for a new position elsewhere and he said she wanted to keep in touch. I presume they chat on the phone but I don’t know how often or when. I don’t check his phone. She seems very nice but I’m just wary. I think that her being attractive doesn’t help. He used to talk about her more in the beginning but not so much now. I don’t know if that’s because he’s less interested in her or more interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinaColada66 · 29/03/2019 08:33

I feel bad as he hasn’t actually done anything, as far as I’m aware.

OP posts:
Springisallaround · 29/03/2019 08:36

I wouldn't believe anything anyone says about their commitment to family etc. After all, they probably stood in a church or registry office and said they would be forsaking all others til death, but we know lots of people cheat. Words are cheap and I wouldn't even register them.

Behaviour is what I'd be looking at- are they where they say they are going to be? Open and honest about with whom? Sensible enough to back off if the other person misinterpreted/was keen? Keen to include you/call you wherever they are in the world? Are they dependable and putting you first in terms of behaviour, not just words (e.g. not missing out on family events, putting your needs before their own desire to go cycling/hobbies occasionally)? Could you talk about potential danger points- sometimes there's an intention on other people's parts which you don't immediately perceive- how do they handle that?

I watch people's behavior not what they say.

People don't usually massively change their behaviour, unless they are under massive stress/something terrible happens. The men I know who have had affairs, and I know quite a few of them, are not surprising to me as they usually have what used to be known as a 'roving eye' and so whilst they are often not having affairs at any timepoint, they are more available than other people and sure enough, someone prances along in their view who is interested, and off they go. You can tell who is open to these things (I've been to enough conferences with work colleagues who suggest going on for a drink alone etc) and who is super-friendly and nice but just sensible and won't be interested in an affair.

Declaring you are a family man and taking your kids cycling is immaterial here.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 29/03/2019 08:40

No marriage is affair proof

I don't think it is fair to make any accusations at this point when there seems to be no evidence of an affair just that your DH likes this women and enjoys being friends with her

If the opportunity is there for an affair to develop (they spend time together with just the 2 of them with no other people present) then I can understand why you are worried though!

Sorry no advice on best way forward

RockinHippy · 29/03/2019 08:43

You need to talk to your DH. If your marriage really is affair proof he will understand & back off from this woman.

He sounds like my own DH, he's always the first one to have a go at his mate for cheating etc etc & gets very upset about it. He'd say the same about me too. But there was a time when he actually had this worry about me as I was spending time with a very long time male friend who had moved local to us.

There was absolutely nothing in it, the guy comes from my home town & I live in a different city where bar DH I had no real history with people, so I realised that I liked having him around more for that reason, I still think of the guy as little brother, so even though he's a good looking known player I had no interest at all. DH did own up to it making him feel very insecure though & that was enough for me to back off as it's very unlike DH

If your DH is as honourable as you believe he will understand if you have an honest chat with him