To think my marriage is affair proof?

[PinaColada66]

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

In my experience, a man who constantly goes on about family values and about how he'd never cheat is the very person who would do it. They talk about it to convince their partners and themselves what a great guy they are.

You could use excessive soap on his shirts and let them dry with a subtle smell of wet dog, feed him delicious ultra garlicky food... what else? Maybe dilute his deodorant... I had quite a few examples of people close to me dealing with divorces as a result of affairs. My brother’s wife broke up with him after she met a younger guy at work. Nothing he could do. And she was one of those pontificating about marriage etc. My sister on the other hand found out her husband was in love with a co-worker after investigating his constant furtive texting. She fought like a mad woman to keep him, including all the above and much, much more. I think what they preach is useless when they find reciprocated passion. I would start thinking of an emotional plan B, like clearly imagining what life would be like without him. Good luck!!

The initial "mentionitis" and your intuiting that he would be defensive of her are pink flags.
Has he ever been the same about a new male friend or colleague?
We have no idea whether your partner would ever cheat but I do know men who were very vocal about hating infidelity and the importance of trust but then went on to cheat.
I would say to him that you think X is very nice and you don't have a problem generally with him having female friends, but that there is something in the way he is about her that makes you uneasy and you are concerned about it possibly developing into an emotional affair, - then see how he reacts and what he says.
If he isn't attracted to her or pursuing anything deeper, he will be horrified that you thought that but not defensive aggressive, and there is no way that it will "tip him" in that direction.
If he goes into a massive affronted riff about "So I'm not allowed to have female friends? It's 2019 blah, - blah..." I'd be worried.
Has he met her through a sport? I'm afraid I know of cycling and triathlon club affairs. Shared interests and lycra and all that . Not my cup of tea at all.

"A good man would respect you if you explained that you felt threatened by his friendship with her."
Very much this. If he loves you and is decent he will respect this. If not better to find out now than later.

The only thing that makes a marriage "affair proof" is two people who dont cheat.

Frankly there are some quite big flags waving at the moment. He clearly fancies her and if she wasnt interested in him then the crush would ebb away. However, it seems like she likes him too,so yes I would be worried. Very very worried.

Really good men do really shit things sometimes.

If he is a lovely man and you are very close then please just talk to him. My DH and I are very close and fortunately this hasn't happened to us (although it could one day!) But if I were concerned about a new female friend I wouldn't think twice about telling him very honestly how I feel. And he'd listen to me and take on board what I was saying. That's how marriage is supposed to work. I'm not saying it will solve this problem but it's a good place to start.

No marriage is affair proof but there are a few things that are not happening here which would make it more affair proof. The biggest is that your DH is putting himself in harms way. Instead of relying on his values as a ‘good man’ a more affair proofing thing would be for him to avoid close relationships with potential affair partners.

OP, how emotionally close are you and your husband? I’ve noticed you’ve talked about abstract qualities he exhibits, rather than how he behaves towards you. Are you close?
You need to talk to him. We all have crushes and I think the biggest factor that stops people having affairs is being close to their partner, rather than moral standards.

As previous posters have said, if my partner was worried about a friendship I had with another man, I’d want him to share his concerns.

The mentionitis is a dead giveaway that he is attracted to her. However, it’s best not to accuse him - he’ll only be defensive. You should say to him ‘when you talk about ms X in that way, it makes me feel...’ he can’t deny your feelings and he’ll see how what he maybe thought was a harmless crush can make you feel hurt and neglected.

Also, how does he have the time to cultivate a new, intense friendship with another woman? Maybe you should aim to spend more time together? It will bring you closer and make less time for his new friend.

Oh, and don’t forget what you have to offer. Be kind to yourself. Xx

I’ve watched people leave their long term marriages/relationships within days, without a backward glance, after becoming infatuated with a new person. I was actually head spinningly shocked at how quickly some of them, who also claimed to be totally marriage and family focussed, managed to meet a new person, develop feelings and leave. I knew a man who went out supposedly to work one day, but actually went on his first date with a woman he’d been flirting at work with. He stayed out all night, came home and told his pregnant wife it was over and left that day.

From what you’ve said, I think this has gone too far already, I’d be surprised if he gave up her “friendship” willingly. He’s probably kidding himself that it’s not inappropriate but I think if you shone some focus on it and started making a fuss, things would become clear very quickly.

Nothing is guaranteed but life and death. I forget who said that but it is so true. There is no such thing as a bomb proof or affair proof marriage. Marriage is of trial and error, of good and bad. This may be a trial for you guys, a test to see if you are really strong.

I would bring it up and say it makes you uncomfortable and see his reaction. Go from there.

Just talk to him.

Say something along the lines of, 'I'm going to be honest with you, and make myself somewhat vulnerable, but rightly or wrongly your friendship with X is making me feel uncomfortable. I'm sure you're going to say it's 100% platonic, and I do not doubt that. Nonetheless, it makes me uncomfortable. You can do with that information what you will.'

Walk away, and let him him think on it.

You're not asking him to do anything. You're not issuing an ultimatum. You're just telling the love of your life (presumably?) how you feel.

If he continues with the friendship to the extent he has thus far - which he now knows makes you uncomfortable - if he doesn't scale back at all, then you know where his priorities lie. And it's up to you what you do with that information.

Honestly, as a guy, feeling like I'm on a leash makes me want to pull on that leash. I don't think there's any harm in having a calm discussion about her, even asking up front if he's attracted to her. But it's got to be his choice not to wander; if he's going to cheat, he'll cheat, and making him feel untrusted now I think just makes him more likely to wander sooner or later.

Oh, and I just saw YemenRoadYemen's post, and I agree with that approach - although using slightly less cold and formal language!

I have so many differing opinions on this, and I guess so do you OP. On the one hand, I have male friends, the closest ones from before marriage, so in that sense we have “proved” that we don’t fancy each other. If my DH started becoming concerned about my male friends that I’ve had for 20 odd years, I would be highly offended. I have newer male friends that I have particular work/values/interests in common with, and may even get ‘mentionitis’ sometimes retelling my DH a new theory I’ve discussed with male friend, some interesting work stuff we’ve done together etc etc. Again, I think if my husband suspected an affair I would be really hurt at his mistrust. That being said, I also love these men’s wives, we include my DH and/or their DWs in anything outside of necessary/coincidence/work type stuff, and crucially - I don’t actually fancy any of them. My DH has similar long standing female relationships that give me zero concern, newer female friendships that he has tonnes in common with so it feels unfair to throw a spanner in the works for no legitimate reason other than maybe jealousy? All that being said, someone I knew once and considered a friend got a bit of mentionitis about my DH and I didn’t bloody like it one bit. I eventually snapped at her to concentrate on her own husband or get divorced. We didn’t fall out exactly just saw each other less since. A good friend of both my husband and I has absolutely tonnes in common with DH and they get on like a house on fire. I have only once said “don’t do that anymore please, it’s inappropriate.” Which was going over there late to fix something because her own DH was too lazy to do it and had gone out for a drink. I just didn’t like it.... so who knows. I think people are very much capable of having platonic relationships with someone of the opposite sex. I believe that I am and that my husband is. But. There are little things that feel off, and I’m sure there are subliminal red flags perhaps to have made you feel suspicious. How often does he see and contact her, and in what context?

They're not good signs OP and no, absolutely no marriage or relationship is 'affair-proof', people make decisions largely based on what they want to do, especially when it's made easy for them. I agree with previous posters that are saying to an extent the ones that say they'll never do it and make a performance out of it seem to be doing it more.

I would insist she comes around for dinner/join them out. Burst the bubble where it is just the two of them getting more and more intimate basically and prevent there being any denial that he has a wife at home. People often compartmentalise when they have emotional affairs.

As an aside she may be lovely but I'd question the motives of her making friends with your DH in this way and not making effort to demonstrate to you it was platonic by inviting you etc. If it's weird for you to be there, or less fun for them then if you are...that's a problem IMO

making him feel untrusted now I think just makes him more likely to wander sooner or later

Cobblers. If someone's going to cheat then they are. Make or female...some people think that's ok and some don't. That's all there is to it.

Oh good, the menz have spoken, letting us all know The Men Are Here and This Is How It Is For A Man.

Better do as he says op - then he'll definitely cheat and it's all your fault.

Pretty sure the majority of women have said "Oh my other half would NEVER cheat on me" then it happens...it's not like anyone would choose to be with a man who is more likely to cheat (how do you know??)

My boyfriend is a lovely, kind man but would I feel threatened with a female friend like that? Yes!

At the start of our relationship he had this very pretty female friend, she leaned on him a lot and used him as a substitute 'boyfriend' but without the sex.

I told him how I felt about their friendship and he acknowledged what I thought and cut her off. If a man is unwilling to take a step away from a threat in the relationship then he is already one foot out the door.

Honestly, as a guy

Omg the man is here! bows down

OP, I don’t believe it’s possible for a marriage to be ‘affair proof’ but I do believe that some people are very unlikely to cheat, and it’s possible that your husband is one of these.

I’ve been with DH for 22 years. In that time I’ve come across men (I can think of two in particular) that I’ve liked/fancied, but I didn’t do anything about it.

I can also think of a woman that I’m sure DH was taken with. I couldn’t insist that he stopped seeing her because it was a work colleague of his. Tall, slim, gorgeous, intelligent etc. I can’t deny that I felt jealous and worried, but at the end of the day I trusted my DH. I can’t be 100% sure that nothing ever happened between them, but I don’t think it did, and eventually she moved away and they lost contact.

Some marriages do come through this kind of thing. I hope yours does.

Is she gay? Please find out before you jump to conclusions

I really do get sad when people say all men think with their dicks. There are some men who are loyal to the core and although few and far between they are out there.
I would lay my life on the fact that my partner would never ever cheat. Ive witnessed a woman who tried to chat him up and flirt and he doesnt even register it. Women i dont trust but surely if you trust your partners values and the person it is you really shouldnt worry, and an adult conversation about how it makes you uncomfortable would probably fix how you feel.

No marriage is affair-proof I have concluded. I was married 23 years next week, and currently divorcing husband for cheating. I never thought that would happen but it did.