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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 28/03/2019 23:56

Because women never cheat. Of course not.

starbrightnight · 28/03/2019 23:57

No marriage is affair-proof.

With that in mind there's a lot you can do to make it as resilient as it can be. Which means building, or rebuilding (if it's become lost in busy lives) the emotional closeness you shared when first together.

Spend lots of quality time together, doing things you both enjoy together and make sure it includes lots of real conversation from the heart. Build on the closeness you already have, and make it stronger and deeper - emotionally as well as physically.

SurgeHopper · 28/03/2019 23:58

How did he meet this new female friend?

DistanceCall · 28/03/2019 23:58

Oh, and to answer your question. I don't know about "affair-proof". I know that, if you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to trust your partner. And yes, he may breach your trust (and so may you), and then you have to decide what to do.

But you can't "affair-proof" a relationship.

WhiskersOnCats · 29/03/2019 00:00

The title of this thread annoyed me, so I read it. On reading, you don't sound like a complacent dick, so I'll give you the nice version.

It is very very easy to have an affair. It is so easy. It doesn't matter how principled you are, you need a man who literally vows to forsake all others. And actually means it.

He is very into this woman as you know. What he will do about it, or is already doing about it is anyone's guess. I'm sure the bookies would have odds on it, but you might not like the odds.

If I was married, and my marriage meant a lot to me, I would sit down with him and say clearly to him that the intimacy of their relationship makes you uncomfortable. I would expect a lot of perplexed looks and a whole shit-wagon of 'do you not trust me?'. At that point, I would have to truthfully say that no - not anymore. (That's the truth isn't it - you don't trust him - or you wouldn't be posting here).

I would express in reasonable terms how this friendship makes me feel. And after that, you just need to read his reaction really.

Tartanwarrior · 29/03/2019 00:00

If you are worried he's developing feelings, and you believe he is an honest and good man, then it's within the realm of possibility that he would leave the marriage before anything happens.

BlackPrism · 29/03/2019 00:00

If you can't have an open and frank conversation with your husband about this then why are you even married?
Speak to him.

SurgeHopper · 29/03/2019 00:05

because he’s a really good man.

^^

Okkkaaayyy...

Good men and their having affairs are NOT mutually exclusive and you're a fool if you think they are.

BananaFace5 · 29/03/2019 00:05

My best friends dad growing up was the most commited husband and dad I had ever known, he was like the perfect man even though he was no oil painting. Even he ended up cheating. It sounds to me like your dh is already enotionally involved if he stands up for her...

Redlipstickismyarmour · 29/03/2019 00:09

I think you should firstly trust your instincts and secondly speak to your husband openly.

I am friends with a male colleague at work, we get on brilliantly. Same sense of humour, similar views on so many things. We really click, there’s a great chemistry and we speak most days about a massive range of interesting topics. I care about him and I enjoy spending time with him. In many ways he would be an ideal man for me if I was single.

However, despite all that there is not even the slightest chance of an affair. We are never inappropriate or remotely flirty, he only ever speaks about his wife in the most positive of terms as I do about my husband. We both value our respective marriages and the topic of the basis of our friendship has never come up, they’re just unspoken rules.

I only say all of this to demonstrate it’s absolutely possible for a marriage to be affair proof and a friendship to be just that. However, it’s wise never to take things for granted and to be open with your husband about how you are feeling. Hopefully he can offer you some reassurance.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 29/03/2019 00:11

Every divorced woman can tell you one thing... we never expected our husbands to be the bastards they turned out to be. We didn’t choose them wrongly either, they changed.

You don’t know who you married until you divorce. There are men that put family and kids first and stay in a marriage to keep with the social conventions but that doesn’t mean they cannot fall in love and change the course of their lives, they may not leave the wife but they may love someone more than they love their wives.

If they are getting too close, I would call his bluff, no dramas. I saw that happening with my exH at some point... I just told him “don’t you go and try anything that will embarrass you darling, you know I will drop you like a hot potato if I heard you have a side girlfriend”. He loved me a lot at that time, if I had the said the same in the last years of the marriage, when we were so tired and fed up, he would have said “oh, I didn’t expect that but it is for the best”. So listen to your thoughts and do something to stop this nonsense before it is too late.

SadieSnakes · 29/03/2019 00:16

Stop it now or you will be back next month having discovered messages, photos, secret meetings, etc.
Listen to what we are telling you op.

starbrightnight · 29/03/2019 00:17

Marriage is a journey you travel together.

You look out for obstacles along the road - some might crop up in front of you, some might crop up in front of him.

Regardless of where in the road the obstacle is, you bring it to the forefront of your partner's attention, just in case they were looking over the hedgerow admiring the view and hadn't seen the pot-hole that was about to trip them up. Or boulder they were about to walk into that would render them unconscious.

So when you talk closely with your husband, why not mention that you think he might be walking into a bit of a danger zone with his eyes wide open and possibly oblivious? Tell him you can sense the danger ahead and can clearly see he'd be wise to step aside and put the boundaries of his marriage firmly back in place to help him detach from his lovely woman friend.

It's easier to avert danger than deal with the aftermath.

BrendasUmbrella · 29/03/2019 00:22

Unless you have been teasing him or questioning him to the point of irritation, getting defensive over her isn't a great sign honestly...

What I've learnt from my years on this board, as well as personal experience, is that a man who considers himself very moral and good can keep that opinion of himself, and even keep that status in the eyes of friends and family if he can make his DP/DW the villain. They rewrite history to suddenly announce they have been miserable and unappreciated, maybe even emotionally abused (probably during the period she knew something was up and he was denying). And then if she doesn't gracefully make way for the new woman she's an even worse villain for not moving aside for his true love.

Of course NAMALT. And your DH may not end up reading from the script, it may be a passing infatuation with a new friend. But I don't think any marriage is affair proof.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/03/2019 00:24

I don't think so. I have saw lots of what I thought were strong family men cheat, My first Christmas party in my first real job, I was gobsmacked.
I know DP really loves me he adores our DC, he is very secure in our family, is against cheating, but still you can never know for sure, he can be flattered with the new attention of a colleague.
It could happen to me, attraction can take over.
No one can tell, unless I kept him in a dungeon. Grin

SkinnyPete · 29/03/2019 00:25

Similar MN thread the other day about a woman and a male colleague.

MN kangaroo court verdict = DP is a controlling bastard and LTB.

theonetowalkinthesun · 29/03/2019 00:26

I think I agree with the 'crushing whilst it's still fragile' comment, but just wondering if any posters could further explain how to crush it whilst it's still fragile? What should you do?

BrendasUmbrella · 29/03/2019 00:27

I’m worried that discussing it openly might bring things to a head prematurely and not in my favour.

If he's a really good man, you shouldn't have any need to think this.

Do you think he's a really good man because he keeps telling you he is? Most people are just normal, not really good or really bad. And we're all fallible to a certain extent.

starbrightnight · 29/03/2019 00:29

Slightly off topic but this thread reminded me.

In my teens I teased my fiance about this stunning girl who made it clear she fancied him. I was so sure of myself I thought it was hilarious.

I stopped laughing when she made a beeline for him and he fell for it and dumped me.

We eventually got back together but I was still giving him earache on our silver wedding anniversary. He ruined the fairytale.

BrendasUmbrella · 29/03/2019 00:30

Similar MN thread the other day about a woman and a male colleague.

MN kangaroo court verdict = DP is a controlling bastard and LTB.

The thread was from her point of view? That's a bit different. All we have to go on here are her concerns. If the DH posted a thread saying it was only a friendship, he really loved his wife, and she was needling him, he'd get the same responses,

RainbowMum11 · 29/03/2019 00:30

I thought my XH was very family focused - there's no such thing as affair proof, however you can trust your DH and make sure he knows that.

BadLad · 29/03/2019 00:31

There are only three ways to make a marriage absolutely affair-proof.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/03/2019 00:32

There are only three ways to make a marriage absolutely affair-proof
Do tell?

IAmNotAWitch · 29/03/2019 00:34

What do you mean "not in your favour"? He is your husband.

I don't think any relationship is affair proof. I trust DH as much as I trust anyone (possibly more than I trust myself), but as with all long term relationships there are excellent times and there are harder times.

DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex/gay friends of the same sex and we are both relaxed about that.

I would not be so relaxed about a new friendship where I felt worried about bringing it up because the conversation might not go in my favour.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 29/03/2019 00:39

Sounds like he's already having an emotional affair. Just because he's not having sex with her doesn't mean he isn't crossing a line.