To think my marriage is affair proof?

[PinaColada66]

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

Nope; no marriage is affair proof. None, I’m having one and if people looked at mine people would say it was was bomb proof

Journo

I find this interesting because i’m a single woman and i’ve made a male friend recently who has a partner. We get on extremely well. I do wonder if his partner is bothered, but i really, really do not want him as anything more than a friend, if i could produce a boyfriend so i am considered less of a problem i would!

I remember a colleague who was very vocal about how terrible people who cheated were - however it didn't stop him inviting me back to his hotel room. So I'd never believe anyone who is that bit too anti!

Other than that, yes, what gamerchick said.

No marriage is affair proof.

My ex-husband was all "helpful and supportive" to a "vulnerable" woman who had just been widowed. He left me for her. The speed at which this happened and the devastation it caused left me with PTSD and recovering for five years.

I have always been of the view that men and women can have friendships with people of the opposite sex. However, when a person sidles into your life like this, your husband is defensive and overly including her in conversation to make it all appear "above board", then something is up IMO.

I agree 100% with the crushing comment upthread. Good luck!

Don't be passive.

He is emotionally involved with another person outside of his marriage. You have every right to insist that he makes his marriage a priority. Because she is not just a friend like his other male friends, you can reasonably ask him to cut back on contact.

Do that and see how he reacts. If he resists then you have a problem.

Personally I would put it right out there and make him choose. If he chose her then that's fine. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me.

Don't be afraid of confronting this. Ignoring it is just condoning it and you really, really do not want to do that.

It's probably fine.
He sounds like me when I make a new friend.
I prefer male company but do have female friends.
An ex of mine thought I was going to run off with one woman because we became solid very quickly.
She was all I spoke about and we were messaging like mad and 'hanging out' with or without our kids in tow.
It settles down after a while.
But it sounds like he may have met someone he clicks with and can talk to.
Which isn't a bad thing.
It's not bad to let him know you feel a little awkward about it as long as you don't turn round and say he can't have her as a friend/ you start controlling what he can do. Because if things do become sour between you, that's when he would be most likely to do something silly.

I would keep an inkling of healthy scepticism about any relationship being affair proof.

Its sensible to look after what you've got.

I’m not worried that he’ll choose her DrinkFeckArseGirls because he’s a really good man. He’s the kind of person who ruminates over past conversations, not wanting to do the wrong thing. He has said in the past that trust is important. I know he would want me to trust him. I find it hard to feel 100% relaxed about this friendship though. I feel a bit threatened by her as she’s quite different to me.

Experiences in the past have made me believe in “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

Trust your instincts.

I just couldn't be arsed with the worry! If I genuinely thought that my DH was "into" someone else, I'd immediately detach emotionally.

Platonic friendship between a man and a woman is great but when it's with someone new on the scene and it's very quickly intense and close...well...that's not so great.

It's worrying that you think he'd choose her if you gave him an ultimatum.

In answer to your question, no marriage is affair-proof. So don't think that you're failing in some way, but don't be complacent either.

You can't do anything to prevent someone cheating if he's going to do it he will... that's insecurities talking.

Focus on your relationship... and not in the "I'm going to start doing extra" like most women in this position will do.

Talk to him if this relationship is making you concerned... if he is as good as you say you should have no issues openly discussing a friendship.

I worry when people are so anti cheating, they think that any crush must mean that they have suddenly met their 'soulmate'. Crushes are normal and so is finding other people interesting and attractive, it's how you handle it and communicate with you partner about it.

Trust your gut OP and do something about it. Don't just sit there waiting to see if he cheats on you.

I would agree with IncrediblySadToo but I get the impression that's too much too soon for you.

I don't think you should ignore it.

A good man would respect you if you explained that you felt threatened by his friendship with her.

Likes others have said, challenge him on it. How he reacts will tell you what you need to know.

If DH told me he was unhappy that I was spending too much time with another man I would absolutely heed what he was saying and knock it on the head. He is far too important for me not to.

Guys think with their dicks and it doesn't matter how they feel about their family

That’s harsh and very generalising about all men surely.

But OP, I do think that you need to look at this friendship and see what gaps in your relationship it could be filling. And then look at your relationship and see how you can use this opportunity to ensure your marriage is a good one for you both.

What you described sounds like the start of an EA. Therefore, you should put your foot down or at least a marker that you have clocked him and he is not going to have a free pass if he crosses that boundary.

No you cannot stop him but you can make him think twice when it is not with his dick.

He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating. Did he say that? I am cynical but that could just be deflection.

But OP, I do think that you need to look at this friendship and see what gaps in your relationship it could be filling. And then look at your relationship and see how you can use this opportunity to ensure your marriage is a good one for you both.

Nice one. Victim-blaming.

No marriage is safe, ever.
Some men who are really against cheating just convince themselves that the affair they are having isn't cheating.
I'm not saying yours is like this, but they exist.

Definitely agree with stressedout

No, no, no. He’s a man. End of!

You're allowed to be jealous/concerned, if you were indifferent, you'd not care but you do as you clearly love him.

My dh is lovely but I still keep an eye out as he was hunted by an ex- & flattery/interest is always exciting.