AIBU to be annoyed with DH about Mother’s Day?

[Diplodoci]

DH: (this morning) What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: A rest! (I’m exhausted from constantly looking after DC, reading books, playing trains, cooking meals, shoving spoons in mouths, washing up, changing nappies, wiping faces, getting up at night, etc)

Tonight DH announces that he’s booked a zoo trip and a meal on Sunday for himself, MIL and DC. So I can rest all day because they’ll be out from 9am.

AIBU to be annoyed by this?! Obviously I’d like to spend Mother’s Day with my own DC. My DM will expect to see DC when I take her gift. I’m happy for DH to take DC to visit MIL when he takes her gift, but not for the entire day.

DH has defended himself saying I asked for a rest! But “a rest” doesn’t mean “take DC away for the full day”. Does it? I was thinking more along the lines of me not lifting a finger all day while DH cooks and does everything for DC.

Apparently it’s now too late to cancel because he’s booked tickets and told MIL who is excited about it. And I can’t go with them because MIL and I don’t get along.

Just make the most of the day he's given you. You can still see your DC before they go out to do cards etc, and maybe your DH can do breakfast for everyone?

You can then spend the day doing exactly as you please and could go out for a walk, lunch, afternoon tea or whatever with your DM? Plus sleep or relaxing to feel like you've had the rest that you wanted?

Its almost like you just want to sit on your arse smugly and watch your dh do everything.

Like it sounds like he does 99.9% of the time, do you mean?

I think you would be best making the most of this, and as Yoga suggests, maybe do something with your mum.

But when I read your op, I thought: "So he's leaving OP all alone and taking the kids out, with another female to do all that pesky parenting stuff?" I know a few dads like this: all that relentless day-to-day shit of wiping noses, noticing they're doing the "I need a wee" dance, taking them to toilets, getting them fed, remembering what stuff they will eat and stuff they won't, coats on and off, bottles of drinks, wiping noses again, sorting out conflicts... all best left to someone else so he can stroll along playing pocket pool and not having to think about anything domestic at all.

And all that washing and tidying and sorting they generate? Leave that to someone else too.

And I do think that applies here or OP wouldn't be asking for a break from it. My DH has always done his share of parenting (and we only have the one to deal with anyway, so no conflicts/bickering to bother about) so I would be happy to be with DS on Mothers Day, because I know DH will take charge of him most of the time. I spend most of my day alone so don't particularly need this, but if I thought my DH and DS were happy to go out without me on Mothers' Day I'd be quite hurt.

Probably extrapolated somewhat, but that's how it struck me.

Oh come on all you lot saying he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. You don’t think it’s even a bit that he didn’t just mention the plans in passing and double check again if OP might want to come along to s nice day out as well as having a rest. He’s a big boy now, he can engage his brain without OP having to spell out every single issue.

YAB the very definition of U and Ungrateful.

Breakfast with the DC, then out to lunch with your mum for lovely food and wine :-)
Screw housework for the day

The problem with this plan is that even if OP lies on the couch all day, she will still have to do all the housework later in the week
I could have a “rest” any day if I just left all the dishes, ironing, bed making, etc to pile up. It’s not a rest if I have to do double the next day to catch up.

You said yourself, you just wanted to be your husband for the day
I’m sick of being the default parent. When he has DC he’s doing me a favour and giving me a break for a specified period of time, but when I have DC that’s just the default state of affairs with no time limits. I’d like to be together and relax - not be the one who gets up repeatedly to stop DC poking fingers in sockets etc.

OP if he’s always been allowed to get away with doing nothing I don’t think you can blame him for this tbh. He probably thinks he’s the dogs bollocks for taking his dc and his mum on mother’s day.

You have to change your behaviour and sit down with him and explain that things are changing from now on and that he has to parent his dc and pull his weight around the house.

@Diplodoci I think that's your real problem- you're the default parent and it's gotten to a point where it's inhibiting your ability to enjoy your family.

That's serious stuff. What are you going to do about it?

I had a similar problem for a few months where the workload balance slowly crept over to my side and I somehow found myself doing pretty much everything running myself into the ground while DH had plenty of time for hobbies and playing on his phone. The problem corrected itself when I was suddenly bedridden with a hideous gastro strain (I do not recommend this!), barely able to move for nausea. DH just had to do everything (except breastfeeding) for a few days. When I recovered and started to resume household and childcare tasks I consciously only took back my fair share of the work.

I don't recommend getting sick, but you really need to reset the status quo in your house. Ask for a 'rest' weekend next weekend where DH does all the tasks you normally do, and hopefully he will get a sense of what you're dealing with and also show himself that he is capable of doing it.

Good luck op

Reading your last post it's clear you have a much bigger problem. Why are you the default parent? It shouldn't be that way.

I’m sick of being the default parent. When he has DC he’s doing me a favour and giving me a break for a specified period of time, but when I have DC that’s just the default state of affairs with no time limits. I’d like to be together and relax - not be the one who gets up repeatedly to stop DC poking fingers in sockets etc.

So that's the real problem! You have to be more explicit. TELL him what you want for MD - and for the other 364 days of the year, for that matter: him to appreciate you, do all the things you usually do, do his half of parenting so you get a rest. He doesn't sound great...

Sorry OP if your actual bugbear is the way your roles are split then say so, or stop doing all the housework if you don't want to and explain why to your DH. Asking for a rest, but actually wanting something really particular that you didn't ask for is just ridiculous. Blaming it on his lack of telepathy for not knowing that a rest didn't mean time alone but actually I want to be the not-default parent, is just missing the bigger issue.

My advice? Hire a cleaner for the day, go out for lunch/cinema whatever you like to do that you can't/don't do with the kids, and come home refreshed to a clean home and then demand a regular cleaner and some respect and involved parenting from your DH.

This is a huge problem: Yep. I don’t want to get up early (while DH lies in bed), shower and feed and dress DC, pack bags with nappies etc, then hand DC over to be taken to the zoo
It wouldn’t even occur to me to get out of bed, except perhaps if no one brought me a cup of tea I might have to leave the room to deliver my
Complaint. And if dh said can you just do x I’d probably say no.
This isn’t about mother’s day so much as it’s aboit every other day of the year. You still have time to say part of my having a rest for mother’s day is I’m not getting out of bed till late, and two loads of washing need to go on and the kitchen be sparkling before you leave and again at 7pm.

I don’t want to get up early (while DH lies in bed)...

In a cruel twist of fate, the clocks go forward early hours of mother's day this year, so its really an hour earlier .

Write a list of everything that needs to be done on sunday, prep of children, housework, your meals etc. Thank him for agreeing to give you a rest and hand him the list.

In monday change how you behave in the house. Stop thinking he is babysitting rather than an equal parent. Dont let him act like a babysitter. What household jobs is he responsible for? If nothing, create a new list. What day does ge get up with the children? If he doesnt start making him.

He's taken you literally at your word.

A more thoughtful gift would have been getting you a spa day/overnight break to rest and relax.

He's basically treating your DS and his mum for mothers day.

Go to your mums and relax without your toddler.

It's clear that most of the childcare falls to you.... so maybe going forwards...you need to earmark some me time like an evening or a few hours on the weekend on a regular basis.

I don’t want to get up early (while DH lies in bed), shower and feed and dress DC, pack bags with nappies etc, then hand DC over to be taken to the zoo

Why would you do this, if you're supposed to be having a rest.

I suggest you let him know you'll be laying in on MD and he needs to get everything ready the night before or early morning.

Either that or take yourself away for the night before MD to a hotel with spa facilities.

If you keep on doing everything...it will be the same if you have more DC.

We need an update OP!!