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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with DH about Mother’s Day?

218 replies

Diplodoci · 28/03/2019 21:36

DH: (this morning) What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: A rest! (I’m exhausted from constantly looking after DC, reading books, playing trains, cooking meals, shoving spoons in mouths, washing up, changing nappies, wiping faces, getting up at night, etc)

Tonight DH announces that he’s booked a zoo trip and a meal on Sunday for himself, MIL and DC. So I can rest all day because they’ll be out from 9am.

AIBU to be annoyed by this?! Obviously I’d like to spend Mother’s Day with my own DC. My DM will expect to see DC when I take her gift. I’m happy for DH to take DC to visit MIL when he takes her gift, but not for the entire day.

DH has defended himself saying I asked for a rest! But “a rest” doesn’t mean “take DC away for the full day”. Does it? I was thinking more along the lines of me not lifting a finger all day while DH cooks and does everything for DC.

Apparently it’s now too late to cancel because he’s booked tickets and told MIL who is excited about it. And I can’t go with them because MIL and I don’t get along.

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 29/03/2019 09:55

He is treating his mother on mothers day, sounds like a good son to me.

He asked what you wanted, you said a break from looking after the children, so he is taking them out with him for the day.

Sounds like you are being unfair to DH for being nice to his mother and giving you the day off you asked for.

BlueSkiesLies · 29/03/2019 09:56

You asked for a rest, he is giving you one!

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 29/03/2019 10:02

If it's a success from his pov, I think he should repeat this on Father's Day, the DCs will love the zoo again and MIL will be delighted.
Wink

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 29/03/2019 10:14

I don't see why the plan can't be changed. Clearly he's bothered by the idea of disappointing MIL but not fussed about disappointing you.

He should tell MIL that there was a mix up about plans and they'll visit her later in the day with a gift instead. You should all go to the zoo and lunch as a family, after he gets children up, fed and sorted.

He shouldn't have made specific plans without speaking with you, especially as there is clearly history between you and MIL. You shouldn't be excluded from a family outing on Mother's Day to make way for a woman who doesn't like you.

And I agree with PPs. This isn't about one day, you're clearly unhappy with the division of labour in your relationship. You were hoping one day would make it feel fair? That's impossible. Talk to him properly about the workload in the home. At least one day on the weekend should be yours to sleep in and shower in peace.

Fix the biggest problem.

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 10:18

Or the OP can go along with DH and MIL?

Original poster
Diplodoci · 29/03/2019 10:26

A rest is someone else doing all the shit you do day in, day out, not you missing out on the day trip!
Yep, that’s what I thought.

Whatever you do dont lift a finger make it clear he needs to do the housework too because it's not a rest if your still doing it
Yep. I don’t want to get up early (while DH lies in bed), shower and feed and dress DC, pack bags with nappies etc, then hand DC over to be taken to the zoo while I stay at home all day doing the dishes and laundry and making my own meals etc. I want to rest and have everything done for me. No cooking. No feeding. No washing or bum wiping. No ironing or hoovering left to be done on Monday.

OP posts:
DiseasesOfTheSheep · 29/03/2019 10:32

Never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance. Or words to that effect.

It's a reasonable interpretation of asking for a "rest", but you're interpreting it as an underhand power play with you vs MIL. Realistically, he's more likely trying to do as you asked and failing to be psychic about it. If that's not what you wanted, be more specific, or don't ask for it...

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 10:37

You’d have been better explaining exactly what you wanted OP rather than just “I want a rest”

Go with them?

HopefulAgain10 · 29/03/2019 10:39

Can you compromise and meet them there after having a long lie in?
I do understand perfectly what you meant, just that your dh took you literally.

What my dh would do is let me have a nice long lie in while he and ds prepare breakfast and tidy up. We then usually lounge around for a bit, and then go out for the day. So I have my rest but spending time with my family.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 29/03/2019 10:46

I want to rest and have everything done for me.

Then you should have told him this, OP. He’s not a mind reader. He did exactly what you asked; you weren’t specific enough.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 29/03/2019 10:49

A rest is someone else doing all the shit you do day in, day out, not you missing out on the day trip!

Isn't it a bit sadomasochistic to enjoy watching someone doing all the 'shit'?
If you have fomo over the 'trip' then put on your big girl pants and ask him if you can go with him.

outpinked · 29/03/2019 10:49

I think he was trying to help tbh and obviously misread your cues. You said you wanted a rest so he took that literally and arranged a day out of the house with the DC. I think it’s nice of him.

Omzlas · 29/03/2019 10:51

Walking round a zoo isn't restful, not in my book

I'd LOVE DH to take the kids out for a day and leave me at home!

He's taken you at your word and given you a rest, YABU

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 29/03/2019 10:57

The problem with this plan is that even if OP lies on the couch all day, she will still have to do all the housework later in the week.

While DH is at the zoo (with MIL likely doing the childcare) the dirty dishes will sit by the sink, laundry in the basket, dust on the floor- all waiting for OP on Monday.

Even if she has a 'day off' her workload hasn't decreased, it's just been deferred.

DH could have told OP to have the morning in bed while he did a few loads of laundry and tidied the kitchen, ordered the shopping etc. that's a rest.

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 10:57

Sounds to me like he thought he’d kill two birds with one stone - his wife gets a day to herself and his mum gets a day out with her son and GC.

Chamomileteaplease · 29/03/2019 11:01

That's what I was thinking OP. If your husband thinks this is such a great idea, without asking you first, then make sure you stay in bed in teh morning.

Let him pack up all the bags and everything he needs. And when he gets back with tired whingers, let him sort them out. Talk about this beforehand so that you both know what to expect.

And to be honest, although I agree that he has been a shit here, he will probably have a very tiring time at the zoo. Do try and enjoy your day alone even thought it is not what you wished for.

Also , I would use this as a wake up call. You said yourself, you just wanted to be your husband for the day. That is a powerful statement. After mother's day I would sit down with him and talk this through because it sounds like your division of labour has gone awry.

Happy Mother's day Smile

FrenchJunebug · 29/03/2019 11:01

YABVU you asked for a rest and he is providing you with a day for yourself to rest. I'll happily take a day off from parenting.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 29/03/2019 11:03

You said you wanted a rest and that's what you've got. Jesus if you wanted lunch or something like that with them then you should've said.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 29/03/2019 11:05

My personal opinion is:-

Be honest though, you said you wanted a ‘rest’. If he’d turned to you and said ‘I’ve booked us all tickets to the zoo’. You would probably be complaining about ‘how is the zoo a rest?! Running around after the kids all day?!’.

You are more pissed off your MIL is going. If she wasn’t I think you would be fine with it.

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 11:05

DH has defended himself saying I asked for a rest! But “a rest” doesn’t mean “take DC away for the full day”. Does it? I was thinking more along the lines of me not lifting a finger all day while DH cooks and does everything for DC

I think you have to honestly ask yourself just how much of a rest you’d have had if he’d have stayed in with the dc and looked after them all day with you. Would you have happily sat there while the dc were whinging, wanting feeding, being noisy etc and not been tempted to pitch in?

YogaWannabe · 29/03/2019 11:05

Do something nice with your DM fgs Confused

ZeroFuchsGiven · 29/03/2019 11:16

Its almost like you just want to sit on your arse smugly and watch your dh do everything.

CostanzaG · 29/03/2019 11:20

It sounds like the op is resentful that he does fuck all around the house and wanted him to see how hard it actually is.

You asked for a rest he's giving you a rest.
The fact you seem to do everything is a different issue. One that needs to be dealt with.

sandgrown · 29/03/2019 11:26

I would have a lie in. A leisurely bath/shower then go somewhere nice with your own mum . No cooking or cleaning allowed .

nutsfornutella · 29/03/2019 11:27

Rest does mean taking the kids out for the day imo. Loved it when ex took the kids swimming on Dinday mornings and came back about 11am which lunch.

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