DH exP demanding money

[rosegoldivy]

Ive NC for this as I know people on here and don’t want to be outed.

This might be a long one as I don’t want to drip feed as know step parents are quick to get flamed so will list all the facts before I get to the real problem so please bear with me.

Me and DH married, have been together 6 years and have an 3 month old baby.
One DSD who is 11 and her birthday is in a few weeks.
DH pays maintenance at 340 per month. This is not calculated through CSA or anything but an agreement made when split with ex-P (before I was on the scene). We also pay for clubs (gymnastics and swimming) Have DSD one week Friday – Monday and next week Thursday – Saturday afternoon (although since baby has arrived DSD has been up lots more for evenings and overnights etc as we want her to have as much time with baby as she wants). We also go halves on school uniforms, school trips etc
Several years ago DH changed jobs (not voluntary) and took a reduction in salary but continued paying the pre agreed amount of maintenance even though sometimes he is left short. Not an issue as I am main breadwinner in the household and together we earn enough to cover any shortfall. My money is his money etc. DH didn’t even tell ex-P about change in job as it wasn’t going to affect her

Ex-P has been somewhat difficult over the years to say the least, lots of withholding contact with DSD when she doesn’t get her way if we don’t/can’t accommodate swaps etc this isn’t point of thread but is just an insight to what her behaviour can be like.
As far as I know ex-P is not stuck for cash, ie is always out drinking, always getting hair done, going on weekends away, holidays etc. (I don’t care what she does with her money but just giving you an insight)

Our baby was planned and we saved up for months while TTC and while pregnant to cover the difference between my wage and SMP. I have budgeted everything to a T. Our savings need to last us until I go back to work in October.

Okay…. The issue.
Last month ago Ex-P texted DH the following message “For DSD birthday I’ve bought her an x-box so I will need £200 towards it asap”
We had already bought DSD new Adidas trainers and a new Adidas tracksuit that she had picked herself plus we are paying for a trampoline park party with friends and taking them for lunch. total cost of birthday is roughly £200+. (And we have an xbox in our house which DSD plays when with us)

DH told ex-P no that we wouldn’t be contributing towards xbox as we had already sorted out what we were buying DSD. Ex-P did not take this well and all hell has broken loose. She told DH she “knew” we had the money saved and she was entitled to it as it was for DSD. Ex-P called him every name under the sun and told him he could fight for DSD and she would take us for everything we had.

Long story short, she stopped contact with DSD for 2 weeks and also went to CSA who then calculated and notified both parties that DH should only be paying £170 per month maintenance. Ex-P has obviously now changed her tune but still demanding for another £200 for the xbox.

1. Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox
2. Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount

Im just looking for suggestions and am in no way trying to start a bunfight. Genuinely am just looking for thoughts and opinions on the situation.

You’ve already paid for a gift. Why should you pay for another gift as well? She doesn’t get to dictate what gift you buy or demand money. Tell her to jog on.

After her behaviour, I would want to pay the lower amount just to teach her a lesson but you wouldn't be punishing her. You'd be punishing the child. Unless you'd give the extra as pocket money directly to your step daughter then you shouldn't drop the amount.

Do not pay for the Xbox. It's not the ex-partners choice what you buy her for her birthday.

No I would not consider giving money for the Xbox. That’s dsd’s present from her mother. I do think it is ok to do a shared present if the ex had come to your dp months ago and said look dd wants a Xbox, I can’t afford it alone so could we discuss it being a shared present so dd gets it. However that’s not what’s happened, she has just bought it and now wants the money. Your dp pays his share for his dd.

I would stick to my guns over the 200 for sure. She is a piece of work isnt she? Denying her child access to her father because she is peed off . That alone would make me dig my heels in.
And yes I would be tempted to abide by the csa agreement. After all that is what she wanted. She has shot herself in the foot there !
Would it be worth getting a court agreement 're contact so she cannot play these stupid games in the future ?

I would pay the CSA ordered amount only.
The child
Won’t suffer as you can make up for the shortfall at your home.
Cheeky cow.

I wouldn't bloody pay either. And what X box in the world costs £400 ?? They're much cheaper than that.

The maintenance is a separate issue. I'd probably keep that the same, especially as the child is so young and mum can still control contact.

No to the xbox.

I would be tempted to now suggest £200 a month maintenance and some of the rest of the original sum now into a savings account for DSD- say £75 a month? - or even the rest of the original £340.

Your circumstances have changed. Sounds like you would be better off providing maintenance more in line with the expected and keeping more control over the rest of the money you already have 'earmarked' for DSD support. I only say this as it sounds like you are already in the habit of providing extra directly to her. Keep more of this money aside under your own control for exactly these purposes.

@TheInvestigator That was my inital thought was to lower the amount as a two fingered salute but i honestly dont have an issue with paying maintenance but it just really fucked me off the way her attitude changed as soon as she discovered she could actually get less money and not more.

@EsmeeMerlin this is exacly what i said. if she had approached the situation months ago we could have discussed it properly.

The whole thing has just really REALLY fucked me off.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

To clarify ex p brought the xbox without discussing it with your partner first? I think if that is the case she is bu.

Would it be an option to say to ex p we will pay the £200 (if you can) however as informed by CSA payments going forward would be £170 instead of the usual £340 however still pay half for uniform etc as normal?

That way although you are out of pocket £200 going forward the CSA would be lower and maybe make up the dent in your savings? Or of you aren't in need of the £200 keep the rest in a savings account for DSD? Hope that makes sense!

I am sure though if you propose that ex p might turn round and change her mind pretty quick!! Think she would rather an extra £170 a month than the contribution to the xbox.

Hope you get it sorted.

Is DSD likely to suffer is you do lower the payments? If not then stick to what the CSA say but put the rest in a savings account for her. And definitely don't put money towards the XBox.

I would stand firm with not paying for the Xbox.
I would keep paying maintenance at the higher amount.

Whether she goes out drinking and has her hair done is irrelevant though.

@SkintAsASkintThing

There are 2 versions of the Xbox one and one of them is between £400 & £500.

1 not give her the £200 ever. These things need to be agreed in advance.

2 i would be tempted to change the maintenance, really tempted, I would be even more tempted to let ex think he will change it. DD is getting to the age where you can buy her things independently from her mum so she would not go without really.

Disclaimer, I am particularly pissed off this morning so not the best for advice.

I also do not like parents who pay the bare minimum and fuck the resident parent about. It seems that DH has not been paying the bare minimum, and has shared costs and care.

Whatever you do you need to put dsd first ( along with other dc)

Kids experience changes in circumstances all the he time when parent move jobs, tis part of life.

Oh sorry I misread, though the DSD was older. Ok I would probably take the maintenance down but not by that much. Maybe drop it to £240. Keep that £100 extra in a different pot for your DSD.

I would play by the book and pay the CSA amount then use the extra yourselves for your SD.

@SkintAsASkintthing apparently some sort of xbox with all gadget games, some sort of bundle thing??? fuck knows. at that price ad expect it to clean up after DSD too.

she has already told DSD that she is getting an xbox but has now said if we dont cough up then she would need to take it back. so now trying the emtional balckmail. and i have no doubt she would tell DSD that it was our fault

DH is abso scunnered with it all. hes of the thoughts to lower the maintenance but ive told him to calm down and think of all options and outcomes before he makes any descions.

@flapjackfairy DH has discussed court / mediation options but doesnt want it to drag out or become more nasty for DSD

Actually, if the ex is earning (and does she have a partner who is earning too?) then to be honest, I'd only pay the calculated amount of maintenance.

Definitely not to having to pay the money towards the Xbox, she should have asked you first if you would go halves with her.

If you could afford to, take her to court for a proper access arrangement. It's mums like her who give the rest of single mums a bad name. Withholding contact because you won't give her more money. Ridiculous. I never withheld contact except when told to by SS because of suspected violence against my child when visiting. Despite what was being done to me, and that we weren't being given what we were meant to be.

I'd pay the lower amount the csa have suggested and then tell her you'll be putting the difference in a savings account for DSD for her to spend on her first car/uni/house deposit etc when she's an adult.

And no. I wouldn't give her the money for the x box. She had not dealt with it right and needs to see she can't behave this way

I would absolutely not pay half the xbox.

Maintenance is hard - we all know that CMS is the bare minimum, but it sounds as though you are paying a lot. £340 + all clubs + half of school costs.

So essentially that £340 is just for DSDs home costs for 18-20 days a month. Do those really add up to £640 a month?!

Pay the lower amount, although if you were having her four days one week and three the other surely thats 50/50 so you shouldn’t be paying anything?? So definitely pay the lower amount and use the money saved to take her to court for contact.

I think the maintenance should stay the same but have words to stop her taking the piss. The csa amount is the minimum, it should not be used as a target.

Too many dont pay at all and too many pay the bare minimum when they could and should pay more.

The op seems very balanced in this.

Don't pay for the Xbox, I agree with all other posters this should of been discussed and agreed 1st.

I would in theory agree to lowering the maintenance and putting extra in a savings account for when she is older, however if she is as vindictive as you describe then I actually think this will cause you untold amount of problems. So I guess you need to decide if the principle is worth the potential fallout?

Wow, I can’t believe how many people are saying to lower maintenance payments or put it in savings. That’s absolutely horrible, everyone on here knows full well that maintenance also goes towards household bills etc.
I think the ex is being entirely unreasonable about the present, it’s not her decision what you give as a gift and you have spent plenty and it sounds like she will have a lovely birthday.

I would give her the option between

a) taking the £200 and the lower amount of maintenance from now on.

Or

b) keeping the higher amount of maintenance and she just pays for all her own gifts in full from now on and you and DH pay for yours.

Absolutely not to the £200, it wasn't predetermined you would give a joint gift, and why would you

Drop the maintenance payments to the CSAs recommendation and put what's left in to a savings account then your dsd doesn't miss out (and will be grateful in a few years) - bypass the ex altogether, PP suggested dropping it would hurt the child but that's a good solution and I bet its not all going on dsd anyway...

"Hi ex-p, sorry we've already bought a gift I wish you'd have said sooner so you didn't fork out with us unable to contribute. Following the CSAs recommendation we're going to reduce monthly payments to 200 and put the rest into a savings account for dsd when she needs it, I'm sure you'll be happy for her to have a safety net of savings to support her later in life"