DH exP demanding money

[rosegoldivy]

Ive NC for this as I know people on here and don’t want to be outed.

This might be a long one as I don’t want to drip feed as know step parents are quick to get flamed so will list all the facts before I get to the real problem so please bear with me.

Me and DH married, have been together 6 years and have an 3 month old baby.
One DSD who is 11 and her birthday is in a few weeks.
DH pays maintenance at 340 per month. This is not calculated through CSA or anything but an agreement made when split with ex-P (before I was on the scene). We also pay for clubs (gymnastics and swimming) Have DSD one week Friday – Monday and next week Thursday – Saturday afternoon (although since baby has arrived DSD has been up lots more for evenings and overnights etc as we want her to have as much time with baby as she wants). We also go halves on school uniforms, school trips etc
Several years ago DH changed jobs (not voluntary) and took a reduction in salary but continued paying the pre agreed amount of maintenance even though sometimes he is left short. Not an issue as I am main breadwinner in the household and together we earn enough to cover any shortfall. My money is his money etc. DH didn’t even tell ex-P about change in job as it wasn’t going to affect her

Ex-P has been somewhat difficult over the years to say the least, lots of withholding contact with DSD when she doesn’t get her way if we don’t/can’t accommodate swaps etc this isn’t point of thread but is just an insight to what her behaviour can be like.
As far as I know ex-P is not stuck for cash, ie is always out drinking, always getting hair done, going on weekends away, holidays etc. (I don’t care what she does with her money but just giving you an insight)

Our baby was planned and we saved up for months while TTC and while pregnant to cover the difference between my wage and SMP. I have budgeted everything to a T. Our savings need to last us until I go back to work in October.

Okay…. The issue.
Last month ago Ex-P texted DH the following message “For DSD birthday I’ve bought her an x-box so I will need £200 towards it asap”
We had already bought DSD new Adidas trainers and a new Adidas tracksuit that she had picked herself plus we are paying for a trampoline park party with friends and taking them for lunch. total cost of birthday is roughly £200+. (And we have an xbox in our house which DSD plays when with us)

DH told ex-P no that we wouldn’t be contributing towards xbox as we had already sorted out what we were buying DSD. Ex-P did not take this well and all hell has broken loose. She told DH she “knew” we had the money saved and she was entitled to it as it was for DSD. Ex-P called him every name under the sun and told him he could fight for DSD and she would take us for everything we had.

Long story short, she stopped contact with DSD for 2 weeks and also went to CSA who then calculated and notified both parties that DH should only be paying £170 per month maintenance. Ex-P has obviously now changed her tune but still demanding for another £200 for the xbox.

1. Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox
2. Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount

Im just looking for suggestions and am in no way trying to start a bunfight. Genuinely am just looking for thoughts and opinions on the situation.

I think your DH can use the extra maintenance here to say this will disappear if the mother withholds contact again for no good reason. No one can make him pay the extra so there is leverage with that.
For the x-box, of course not as it wasn't agreed previously.

@NerdyBird thats actually a valid point i hadnt thought about was childcare costs. We will need childcare for 2 days a week when im back to work as DM can help 2 days, and DH mum can do 1 day also.

@foodtheif personally i dont think DSD would miss out having a xbox. she has one at our house, well its DHs but DSD pretty much is glued to when shes here (playing that stupid fortnight game and some outlaw game which drives me menal but thats a different thread alltogether lol )

That's not how it works. You might believe he has a moral claim on the money (fair enough), but there isn't any provision in the system for splitting up child benefits (or UC or whatever) between two separated parents

there can be, a friend of mine has 2 children, 50/50 care with her ex.

She claims child benefit for one, and he for the other. I believe they were advised to do this by both child benefit, and a mediator that they saw.

Its not enforceable as such, but child benefit can make the decision on who gets it.

Dont pay for the xbox (and cancel the cheque!)
I would say your not going to reduce the CSA maintenance (assuming your vaguely happy with the arrangement) she now knows she's entitled to less and your actually doing more than the minimum you need to. I would point out that your not reducing on the basis that she isn't going to continue to be silly about contact, if she is silly you will need the extra money she is getting to cover the legal bills.

Sympathies OP, we've been exactly here and it is hard to know what to do for the best.

I think there's an issue here of shutting down what is essentially brutal assed cheek and bad rolemodelling to your DSD by her mum.

A) if I was fiscally responsible I wouldn't be buying such a lavish gift for an 11 year old birthday. We spend £100 tops on birthdays and £150 max for Xmas. For the ex to suggest that she can whip £200 out of thin air herself suggests that she's not even vaguely keeping an eye on budgets therefore isn't hard up at all.

B) an Xbox is not needed at both houses. Our boy takes his with him to whichever house he is staying at. Happily.

C) if you don't buy it the emotional blackmail threat is there. Your DSD will one day remember that if it happens and know that it was her mum that handled it badly. But call her bluff. Don't cave in as you will open the floodgates.

Well obviously don't pay for the Xbox. As for child maintenance, well the exw has really shot herself in the foot on this. What alot of people have already suggested is a good idea. Either cut it by about £100 and save it for DSD when she goes to college or whatever or come to an agreement with the ex that if she messes you around with regard to access then use it as a threat. She knows that she has fucked up big time and will probably start to behave but who knows but you should really use it to your DSDs advantage as your DH has been really good up to this point.

Definitely stick to no for the birthday present contribution. That's so out of order and what happens when the she decides that driving licenses, a car or whatever is what the DC wants?

Sounds extreme but actually I know someone who keeps feeling forced to retrospectively 'chip' in.

I'm hoping this isn't repeating what others have said but this sounds like she is jealous / upset by the new baby. Watch out for her saying that 'you couldn't have x because they are favouring y.'

I'm not trying to make excuses for her behaviour but just wondering if there is more too it. You are doing the right thing by letting the siblings bond but she may be really annoyed about losing 'her time'. Maybe now is a good time to bite the bullet and try and formally adjust contact.

I'd also think that now is a good time to relook at what is responsible re maintainer. She has sort the change. Can you really afford the higher amount going forward?

I would absolutely say no to the £200 for the Xbox, there’s nothing wrong with joint presents on expensive items but these things need to be agreed in advance and spoken about with respect.

I would also reduce the maintenance, to £170 a month and use the difference for SD and her needs in your home.

You've already bought her a present but your dh needs to make her aware of the circumstances that they no longer can expect to do joint presents.
It sounds like a misunderstanding.
Pay what cms says and a bit extra and tell your dh to go to court for access.

I'd say no way to the Xbox money. She should have discussed it up front.

I'd seriously consider reducing the maintenance to £200, and keep paying for half of everything that you do.
The other money, id get DSD a bank account and give her £10 per week pocket money, she can learn to budget and fund what she's wants.
The other £100, I'd put £50 each per child away in an account you control.
And I say that as an ex step mum and now a single parent who's ex contributes (although we do a straight 50:50 split off all costs).

For two children you could split it, but you can't split it for one child, PlantPot.

I think the situation re: the Xbox is clear cut. If she'd wanted to offer up a joint present then this should have been discussed in advance.

She's not entitled to spend someone else's money without their consent and I think you have to stand firm here as a point of principle.

However, tempting as it might be to cut the maintenance payments, I think you need to think very carefully about it.

Personally I think she's unwittingly given you a "gift" by effectively giving you some leverage over her behaviour.

My approach would be to say your DH will continue with the current payments on the basis that she signs up to a jointly agreed contact schedule and sticks to it.

If she uses withdrawal of contact as a means of control or fails to commit to the schedule then you'll invoke the CSA figure.

In order not to them give her grounds to complain to DSD I'd put the difference in a child's saving account for her to access when she's older.

This way there is no suggestion you are "taking" anything away from DSD, rather you are paying what her mother is entitled to, whilst also ensuring DSD will have some savings as an adult.

biblio no that is true!

Many, many women are in this situation, but are we actually saying that this is right and proper?

It's about control. Also the dad will have portrayed the ex as a monster, he may even wait for her to suggest he sends less seeing as she's spending his hard early money on getaways to Vegas where she drives around in a limo standing up through the sun roof drinking champagne from a bottle and liberally scattering £50 notes as she goes.

I would drop to the lower amount as per CSA, but if you can afford out put the difference aside in an account for DSD to be used when she turns 18. It looks like all her immediate needs are covered, so why give extra to the mother to spend on herself... and no to the extra £200

100% this

I think oh4forkssake suggestion is the best one, giving dsd a portion of the maintenance as an allowance. She can then have a choice of whether to save or spend it.

I would refuse the £200, you already have bought a generous gift. I would pay the maintenance calculated by the CSA, plus clothing etc as before and put the difference in a high interest account that will help DSD for when she goes to college or help with a deposit etc.

Definitely do not contribute to the xbox.

I would also lower the maintenance just because she was the one who went to CMS to have it adjusted. Considering you have DSD around 50% of the time and you pay half of uniforms, clubs etc., that teally seems fair.

Right now you say that you are having her over more than 50/50 anyway. If this continues then you won't even need to pay maintenance, surely?

I'm a bitch.

I'd drop the maintenance down to the CSA level.

And then, with the money saved, I'd promptly buy the kid an Xbox to use round mine.

I wouldn’t contribute to the X-box. Her choice to buy it, she can pay for it. If she can’t afford it then she takes it back for a refund and spends the amount she can afford instead.

Maintenance - I would tell her you are dropping to the CSA level, but will keep paying clubs etc and half of school expenses, and put the difference into a savings account for DSD. See what happens - you could also suggest that as you already have her almost 50:50 you would consider going for completely 50:50 and therefore no maintenance payable at all.

Your dsd knows you have already sorted her gift and she will know the approx cost. Her (ex) exclamation has no legs so spend your £200 on what you had planned and suggest that if she is planning this sort of thing in future that she has the good manners to discuss her plan beforehand. I like the thought of splitting the difference in maintenance and pop it into an account she can access once she needs a car/lessons/insurance

Do not under any circumstances give the money for the Xbox. Unless it has always been the case to buy presents together and split 50/50 she can't suddenly decide to then throw a strop when it doesn't go her way. To then stop contact and to involve outside agencies I would 100% pay her the lower amount. It will teach her a lesson

Lover it to the lower amount put the rest of the money into savings for when she's an adult xx

How did she know you have savings, why have you discussed your finances with her? Her choice is £200 now but reverting to the prescribed csa amount or the normal maintenance. If she wants to play thenyou also will. The maintenance will be adjusted if she stands in the way of contact.