DH exP demanding money

[rosegoldivy]

Ive NC for this as I know people on here and don’t want to be outed.

This might be a long one as I don’t want to drip feed as know step parents are quick to get flamed so will list all the facts before I get to the real problem so please bear with me.

Me and DH married, have been together 6 years and have an 3 month old baby.
One DSD who is 11 and her birthday is in a few weeks.
DH pays maintenance at 340 per month. This is not calculated through CSA or anything but an agreement made when split with ex-P (before I was on the scene). We also pay for clubs (gymnastics and swimming) Have DSD one week Friday – Monday and next week Thursday – Saturday afternoon (although since baby has arrived DSD has been up lots more for evenings and overnights etc as we want her to have as much time with baby as she wants). We also go halves on school uniforms, school trips etc
Several years ago DH changed jobs (not voluntary) and took a reduction in salary but continued paying the pre agreed amount of maintenance even though sometimes he is left short. Not an issue as I am main breadwinner in the household and together we earn enough to cover any shortfall. My money is his money etc. DH didn’t even tell ex-P about change in job as it wasn’t going to affect her

Ex-P has been somewhat difficult over the years to say the least, lots of withholding contact with DSD when she doesn’t get her way if we don’t/can’t accommodate swaps etc this isn’t point of thread but is just an insight to what her behaviour can be like.
As far as I know ex-P is not stuck for cash, ie is always out drinking, always getting hair done, going on weekends away, holidays etc. (I don’t care what she does with her money but just giving you an insight)

Our baby was planned and we saved up for months while TTC and while pregnant to cover the difference between my wage and SMP. I have budgeted everything to a T. Our savings need to last us until I go back to work in October.

Okay…. The issue.
Last month ago Ex-P texted DH the following message “For DSD birthday I’ve bought her an x-box so I will need £200 towards it asap”
We had already bought DSD new Adidas trainers and a new Adidas tracksuit that she had picked herself plus we are paying for a trampoline park party with friends and taking them for lunch. total cost of birthday is roughly £200+. (And we have an xbox in our house which DSD plays when with us)

DH told ex-P no that we wouldn’t be contributing towards xbox as we had already sorted out what we were buying DSD. Ex-P did not take this well and all hell has broken loose. She told DH she “knew” we had the money saved and she was entitled to it as it was for DSD. Ex-P called him every name under the sun and told him he could fight for DSD and she would take us for everything we had.

Long story short, she stopped contact with DSD for 2 weeks and also went to CSA who then calculated and notified both parties that DH should only be paying £170 per month maintenance. Ex-P has obviously now changed her tune but still demanding for another £200 for the xbox.

1. Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox
2. Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount

Im just looking for suggestions and am in no way trying to start a bunfight. Genuinely am just looking for thoughts and opinions on the situation.

I would tell her to get stuffed re the xbox and that if she withholds contact or pulls a stunt like that again then you will pay the cms calculation instead. Her choice.

Reduce maintenance to recommended amount, save the rest for dsd's college fund. No way in hell would ex get it when she has a partner living in the home.

Fuck that! Absolutely not.

DD wanted a Pandora bracelet for her 10th birthday. ExDP and I discussed it as they’re expensive, we decided to go halves on it.

I would not have had the cheek to buy it then demand money! Wtaf.

don't give her the £200 - you have bought your own presents. She is responsible for choosing and buying her own gifts.

As for maintenance I would be tempted to pay csa amount and put the difference or some of it in a savings account for DSD (can use it for driving lessons, uni, whatever!)

Ex is game playing here.

@rosegoldivy

1.Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox - no
2.Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount - yes

She cut off her own nose to spite her face, if she stops DSD from coming, I would go to court and get visitation. He needs to put his foot down or she is going to continue to treat you like this.

Also is she aware that due to the amount of time DSD spends at yours and the money you pay towards school and clothes that you could quite easily claim half of any benefits she gets for DSD?

She has asked DH several times what hes going to do about the maintenance so i think she knows shes shot herself in the foot.

If I were your DH I would tell her as long as she stops messing with his access to his daughter then he will carry on paying what he was and no way would I pay for the Xbox

I would pay for half the xbox. And then reduce the maintenance by £100, so down to £240 which is over the minumum amount. And tell the ex that it stays at £240 while she is reasonable over contact. I would bank the £100 a month for helping dsd when she is at uni etc, in an account neither dsd or her mum can access. Purely because £7/£8k in a savings account that an 18 year old can access can be like putting a kid in a sweet shop.

Or put £50 a month away for both of the dcs.

But I woud make it clear that budgets for joint birthday presents must be agreed on moving forwards.

i also think £340 a month is excessive for 1 child, your husband has been told he should only be paying £170 a month so that's what he should pay, don't forget his child support will be based on his income and also his ex partners income

Maintenance is never calculated with the resident parent's income.

What you consider enough isn't really relevant. CMS rates are a legal minimum in contribution, frequently recognised as being far less than 50% of costs in very real terms for the majority of situations. The amount has worked well for years and has not caused hardship in the OP's household. Rocking the boat is a dangerous thing to do, particularly when you are dealing with someone who is already unreasonable.

1. No to money for the XBox. If its a big issue and exP returns it, you can get her one for your house at Christmas.

1. Lower the maintenance but still above the minimum and pay the rest into savings for your DSD and new DC. Still not sure why you're paying maintenance if DSD spends 50% of time with you.

don’t pretend you’re any different to any of those other meanie second wives that resent the first

lol don't flatter yourself, I think very few "meanie second wives" actually resent reasonable, normal, first wives. Its the dick heads that get resented, and nobody's a meanie for resenting having to appease a dick head every two minutes, are they?

@CarolDanvers meanie second wives

Wow. Projecting much?

Why do these sorts of threads always sound like they live in a court or something 'she demanded' 'he requested' and so on. Why can't people just recount what was said without trying to make it sound super dramatic.

Lower the amount and save the difference for DSD. Dont give ex a penny for the present. Outrageous behaviour.

Also is she aware that due to the amount of time DSD spends at yours and the money you pay towards school and clothes that you could quite easily claim half of any benefits she gets for DSD?

That's not how it works. You might believe he has a moral claim on the money (fair enough), but there isn't any provision in the system for splitting up child benefits (or UC or whatever) between two separated parents.

Not a comment directed to the OP, but at those who say an exW doesn't "need" maintenance as she is spending money on treats for herself.

I have a reasonably well-paid job and can afford to cover life for dd and myself, including some treats along the way. ExH gives me £30 a month. I could easily survive without it. ExH would happily tell you that this £30 gets spent on treats for me and he shouldn't have to fund this. So am I meant to spend my entire income scraping by, and he only needs to chip in when I'm at the absolute end of my resources? Many, many women are in this situation, but are we actually saying that this is right and proper?

I’d be tempted to lower the maintenance. She’s money grabbing. I wouldn’t pay for the x box but if the daughter will miss out I would do a one off payment for the Xbox and tell her she’s only getting £170 a month now. I’d then spend the extra on stuff for her / pocket money etc so she doesn’t miss out.

Don't pay for xbox as it wasn't agreed in advance.

Don't reduce the maintenance and other contributions right now. Some people would not hestitate to let the child know their other parent has reduced payments and try to use it against them.

I know you budgeted for being on SMP, have you budgeted or made a plan for childcare costs when you return to work as this will be another call on your income? If you have and can still afford the current payments, don't change it.
If not, research likely costs and if looks like you can't keep to the current payment, reduce it whilst still aiming to pay more than the minimum and go halves on things. You could even work out a phased reduction so it wasn't so much of a shock for the other household.

1.Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox

No. She chose to buy it.

2.Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount

Yes. The child has two parents and the mother can spend some of her money on the child instead of spending it all swanning around on nights out/holidays & hairdressers.

As an "ex" I think you and your DH are more than generous! I wish my ex would give me the amount of maintenance and financial help that your DH does to his ex! She is being unreasonable. She chose to buy the DD an Xbox so she should have consulted your DH first or paid for it herself. Our DD wanted an ipad last Christmas so ex and I went halves on it but we agreed that beforehand.

Refuse the £200 and cut maintenance. Cheeky cow.

Don't pay for the X-box, tell her to go swivel.
Reduce the CSA payment to the new amount, as you have DSD so often & your DH is on a reduced salary.
Keep paying for half of uniform, school trips and hobbies etc. If you can afford it then you could open a savings account for DSD putting a small amount in each month - maybe £20-50pm.

I'd get the visitation agreement in writing and signed and witnessed by a solicitor, so she stops messing about and keep the maintenance as is, but NO to the xbox money.

I suspect caroldanvers has ishoos given her stupid comments on this post.

Forgot to add... I'd see whether the above is enough (legally) to stop her messing when she feels like it, if not...court and a formal arrangement.

I'd make it clear maintenance will stay as is, as long as she stops her nonsense.