DH exP demanding money

[rosegoldivy]

Ive NC for this as I know people on here and don’t want to be outed.

This might be a long one as I don’t want to drip feed as know step parents are quick to get flamed so will list all the facts before I get to the real problem so please bear with me.

Me and DH married, have been together 6 years and have an 3 month old baby.
One DSD who is 11 and her birthday is in a few weeks.
DH pays maintenance at 340 per month. This is not calculated through CSA or anything but an agreement made when split with ex-P (before I was on the scene). We also pay for clubs (gymnastics and swimming) Have DSD one week Friday – Monday and next week Thursday – Saturday afternoon (although since baby has arrived DSD has been up lots more for evenings and overnights etc as we want her to have as much time with baby as she wants). We also go halves on school uniforms, school trips etc
Several years ago DH changed jobs (not voluntary) and took a reduction in salary but continued paying the pre agreed amount of maintenance even though sometimes he is left short. Not an issue as I am main breadwinner in the household and together we earn enough to cover any shortfall. My money is his money etc. DH didn’t even tell ex-P about change in job as it wasn’t going to affect her

Ex-P has been somewhat difficult over the years to say the least, lots of withholding contact with DSD when she doesn’t get her way if we don’t/can’t accommodate swaps etc this isn’t point of thread but is just an insight to what her behaviour can be like.
As far as I know ex-P is not stuck for cash, ie is always out drinking, always getting hair done, going on weekends away, holidays etc. (I don’t care what she does with her money but just giving you an insight)

Our baby was planned and we saved up for months while TTC and while pregnant to cover the difference between my wage and SMP. I have budgeted everything to a T. Our savings need to last us until I go back to work in October.

Okay…. The issue.
Last month ago Ex-P texted DH the following message “For DSD birthday I’ve bought her an x-box so I will need £200 towards it asap”
We had already bought DSD new Adidas trainers and a new Adidas tracksuit that she had picked herself plus we are paying for a trampoline park party with friends and taking them for lunch. total cost of birthday is roughly £200+. (And we have an xbox in our house which DSD plays when with us)

DH told ex-P no that we wouldn’t be contributing towards xbox as we had already sorted out what we were buying DSD. Ex-P did not take this well and all hell has broken loose. She told DH she “knew” we had the money saved and she was entitled to it as it was for DSD. Ex-P called him every name under the sun and told him he could fight for DSD and she would take us for everything we had.

Long story short, she stopped contact with DSD for 2 weeks and also went to CSA who then calculated and notified both parties that DH should only be paying £170 per month maintenance. Ex-P has obviously now changed her tune but still demanding for another £200 for the xbox.

1. Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox
2. Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount

Im just looking for suggestions and am in no way trying to start a bunfight. Genuinely am just looking for thoughts and opinions on the situation.

she has already told DSD that she is getting an xbox but has now said if we dont cough up then she would need to take it back. so now trying the emtional balckmail. and i have no doubt she would tell DSD that it was our fault

You NEVER give into emotional blackmail. Ever. Assuming she still has the receipt and has not opened the xbox, she should be able to exchange it for the cheaper console. No 11 yr old needs a £4-500 birthday present anyway.

Those people saying “give her the £200 and drop the maintenance” - no, the two issues are entirely separate. By buying the expensive Xbox off her own back, she doesn’t get to demand £200 now, CF.

Your DH sounds like a great Dad and I can’t imagine he would feel comfortable dropping the maintenance permanently, so if he can afford it I would either leave as is (with the proviso that exP gets not one penny more) or drop it but put the rest aside into savings for dd.

The CSA/CMS is the bare minimum amount, and I'm not keen on the view that it's the "right" amount for non-resident parent to pay. It's a disgrace if parent pays less, not some kind of heroic wonderfulness if a parent pays more. So don't reduce. OP, I think your overall attitude to your step-daughter is really positive, and you should continue to be a decent person. Kudos.

No need to pay for half the present (unless both parents were in the habit of buying joint presents every year, so the mother reasonably expected this to be the case next year. If one parent is making a change, they have to let the other one know).

I'd say outright no to the Xbox contribution as there was no discussion and she made an assumption which has backfired.

Given that she invited the CSA into the equation I'd want to reduce the amount (but I'm aware that would be a knee-jerk, petty reaction albeit an honest one) but I think I'd use it as a negotiating point and to show her that DH has not been paying the minimum since they split and she should consider that when throwing around accusations.

Jeez @CarolDanvers, you seem to be projecting somewhat. Are you the ex?

No I would not contribute towards the Xbox. You have already decided and bought the presents you are giving. She can't buy what she wants and then demand you pay half for a present you had no say in and hadn't agreed to.

And yes I would switch to the lower amount.

I've seen this happen with so many friends. They've made the mistake of thinking they hold all the cards and can 'demand' what they want when they want it and the ExH will be too afraid to not give it because they will restrict contact etc. She has tried to play the 'I hold all the power' game and she's a fool because she didn't do her homework first. Let her live with the consequences. It sounds like your DSD has everything she needs ar your home so she isn't going to suffer.

Carol it is relevant if ex is asking for £200 to contribute to a gift when she has money to spend on luxuries like going out and getting her hair done. Someone who can't afford these luxuries I can have sympathy for but op is giving all the facts, it's just you choose to see it as snide. Your posts read as if you are an ex wife who wants to bleed he ex dry. Ops husband already provides double the maintenance has dd close to 50/50 (not exactly) and pays for activities, school uniform and trips on top of that. She is doing very well out of this.
You've made your point you think the op is in the wrong fine but 99% of people don't agree with you, so maybe a look in the mirror is in order as you are very much in the minority.

Definitely no to the Xbox payment. Lower the maintenance payments and set up a bank account for DSD. She will enjoy having her own money and will learn to budget for things she wants.
Think long term - she will be leaving school in 5 years. Driving lessons, college courses and potentially university all cost money.

Go on reduce it, punish the ex, make things even more shit between all the grown ups involved and meanwhile the person who suffers yet has no say is his dd

But why would this punish the ex?

It's not extra cash for her, it's for the DD- and if OP and her DH keep the difference to one side, say in a savings account, then DD really is not losing out and in fact will be benefiting massively in the future

Plus a reduction will help OP and her DH have some financial breathing space.

But although dad is not at home all month the bills for that house still have to be paid mortgage/rent utilities these are all part of providing for his child along with the mum. And if she died hit by the proverbial bus (obvs hope he doesn’t) would you still pay maintenance, no course not therefore it’s his responsibility not yours.

Oh you don’t need to appease me, and it’s not “my way” why would you think that? I’m not directly involved. You think what you think, own it but don’t pretend you’re any different to any of those other meanie second wives that resent the first, because the things you say are just so very typical and show that clearly you do. Reducing child support would be a shit thing to do when you’ve said yourself it’s not a problem to pay it and would cause ructions that would be felt for years. It would actually just be a punishment for her, for daring to ask about the x box in the first place...oh and for having a nice hair. How is that in any way beneficial to his child?

Tell the ex what she spends on birthday presents is up to her.

Leave the maintenance as is, and i'd seriously consider looking at getting arrangement formalised so that DSDs time with her Dad cannot be used as a weapon by the ex.

Also, the ex-partner sounds like she has a job and her own income and can afford to spend her money as she wishes (whether that includes nights out or hair/nail appointments, it doesn't matter)

She sounds like she is doing pretty ok in the circumstances, plus planning to buy an x-box is not an insignificant purchase

I’m not projecting. I’m just not pretending that the OP is well meaning.

Totally not the point of the thread but you can get an Xbox bundle for £250 so it’s not even a fair split

@rosegoldivy I would text ExP and say we will give you the £200 but it is coming out of next months maintenance, my DW is on maternity and we have saved exactly what we need this is the only way around it so it is up to you.

I think I would point out that your husband is paying twice the amount calculated by the CSA. That 'extra' £170 is almost what she's wanting you to contribute to the Xbox.

Personally, I would let her decide? She can either have the £200 now and lower maintenance going forward, or she just accepts the choice of present was not yours and keeps the current level of maintenance.

I wouldn't pay a penny towards the Xbox and, given the amount of time DSD spends with you and her dad, I'd definitely cut maintenance too.

I wouldn’t be paying towards the XBox. End of.

And I would go with the lower amount for maintenance and would tell Ex that the difference of money would be put into a savings account for DSD’s towards a deposit/car whatever.

But then again, I like teaching people a lesson when they are being ungrateful and grabby😉

@caroledanvers please re-read my thread and comments again and quote to me where i said that i wanted to lower the maintenance. while your at it also quote to me where i asked for permission to do anything.

If your done projecting the scorned ex wife views and have nothing productive or constructive to add then i'd appretiate you taking your negative assumptive views elsewhere.

she would take us for everything we had.

This is what would make me go at her all guns blazing. Don’t give into threats.

I’m sorry you’re upset that I’m not joining in with pretending that this isn’t really all about resenting the ex, and that your asking people if they would reduce CM in this situation, only stems from gentle concern on your part. Anything else I say would just be reiterating points I have already made. No use repeating myself over and over so I will leave you to it

@carole just seen your last post. honestly im not rising to you bait or get into a bun fight when your clearly projecting and are coming across a complete cow.

there is always a poster like you who scours around the step parents boards or is quick to jump on and make negative comments about the new wifes regardless of what we do and how we go about it.

I came on here looking for advice not to be beat down and tarred with your sterotypical assumptions about step parents / new wifes.

its scorned ex partners like you that will always stand in the way from step parents being treated equally or being taken seriously.

I would refuse the £200 pounds for the xbox as you have already sorted a present and let exw know that in future if she wishes to go half on a present this must be discussed prior to purchasing the gift. I would leave the maintenance as is as children are expensive and if you can afford it then why alter it, if circs change then.......i would however get a formal arrangement in place for visitation as withholding contact is not fair and should not be used as a tool against you.

I wouldn't change the maintenance amount.

I wouldn't pay the £200.