DH exP demanding money

[rosegoldivy]

Ive NC for this as I know people on here and don’t want to be outed.

This might be a long one as I don’t want to drip feed as know step parents are quick to get flamed so will list all the facts before I get to the real problem so please bear with me.

Me and DH married, have been together 6 years and have an 3 month old baby.
One DSD who is 11 and her birthday is in a few weeks.
DH pays maintenance at 340 per month. This is not calculated through CSA or anything but an agreement made when split with ex-P (before I was on the scene). We also pay for clubs (gymnastics and swimming) Have DSD one week Friday – Monday and next week Thursday – Saturday afternoon (although since baby has arrived DSD has been up lots more for evenings and overnights etc as we want her to have as much time with baby as she wants). We also go halves on school uniforms, school trips etc
Several years ago DH changed jobs (not voluntary) and took a reduction in salary but continued paying the pre agreed amount of maintenance even though sometimes he is left short. Not an issue as I am main breadwinner in the household and together we earn enough to cover any shortfall. My money is his money etc. DH didn’t even tell ex-P about change in job as it wasn’t going to affect her

Ex-P has been somewhat difficult over the years to say the least, lots of withholding contact with DSD when she doesn’t get her way if we don’t/can’t accommodate swaps etc this isn’t point of thread but is just an insight to what her behaviour can be like.
As far as I know ex-P is not stuck for cash, ie is always out drinking, always getting hair done, going on weekends away, holidays etc. (I don’t care what she does with her money but just giving you an insight)

Our baby was planned and we saved up for months while TTC and while pregnant to cover the difference between my wage and SMP. I have budgeted everything to a T. Our savings need to last us until I go back to work in October.

Okay…. The issue.
Last month ago Ex-P texted DH the following message “For DSD birthday I’ve bought her an x-box so I will need £200 towards it asap”
We had already bought DSD new Adidas trainers and a new Adidas tracksuit that she had picked herself plus we are paying for a trampoline park party with friends and taking them for lunch. total cost of birthday is roughly £200+. (And we have an xbox in our house which DSD plays when with us)

DH told ex-P no that we wouldn’t be contributing towards xbox as we had already sorted out what we were buying DSD. Ex-P did not take this well and all hell has broken loose. She told DH she “knew” we had the money saved and she was entitled to it as it was for DSD. Ex-P called him every name under the sun and told him he could fight for DSD and she would take us for everything we had.

Long story short, she stopped contact with DSD for 2 weeks and also went to CSA who then calculated and notified both parties that DH should only be paying £170 per month maintenance. Ex-P has obviously now changed her tune but still demanding for another £200 for the xbox.

1. Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox
2. Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount

Im just looking for suggestions and am in no way trying to start a bunfight. Genuinely am just looking for thoughts and opinions on the situation.

I would give her the £200 but then drop the maintenance and keep it aside for DSD
She’s taking the piss, if she know she wanted to get that gift and would need help she should have had a conversation not demanded the money.

Very few shops take games consoles back so that's an empty threat. I think the maintenance is adequate considering you have DSD half the week and pay half on everything else. This happened to a friend of mine; ExW went to csa as she wanted more than the generous amount he gave her: backfired and they awarded a small % of previous informal arrangement, so he now pays it but buys clothes, pays hobbies etc direct himself. She sounds unreasonable and graspy.

Reduce the maintenance to the correct amount.
Start a savings account for DD but don't tell her mum in case she tries to access it.
Ignore the Xbox issue. Not your problem. The mum decided to purchase it without any discussion.

Absolute fuck all would be what the EXp would get from us regarding Xbox
Also would lower the monthly maintenance to teach the entitled bitch a lesson but would use the difference in what you pay now to treat DSD when she's with you

No you don’t have to contribute, you’ve already bought your own presents and that’s it.

Tbh though I don’t think £340 a month is a particularly high amount towards bringing up a child - works out at £78 a week, and your digs about the ex always being at the hairdressers and going out just make you sound snide.

As for suggestions to lower the maintenance? What’s wrong with some of you?

@calmdownPacino i only included about nights out and hair done etc that to show that shes not struggling financially if that makes sense? not to bash her or anything. I have no issues how she spends her money or what she does in her spare time.

@user147 yup. she had already bought xbox before bringing it up as assumed we would pay for half of it as she knows we have savings. (obviously are relying on the savings as on SMP)

@BlackeyeGruesome i feel your pissed off vibe lol

I would not give her the £200 and would drop the maintenance to what was suggested. Put the rest in a savings account or spend it on DSD when you have her over.

I would give the ex exactly what she is asking for. I would explain that she's getting the £200 towards the X-box purely because you recognise that as a result of her going to the CSA she has reduced her income and probably hadn't budgeted for that, but that in future there will be no contributions towards gifts as you will continue to select and buy those for DSD yourselves.

I would pay the reduced rate and continue to pay for clubs and the other extras as before. If you want to save the difference for DSD to access directly when she is of age, then do that.

I would get contact agreed under a court order so you aren't hostage to fortune.

I'd tell her that if she fucks about with access, I will reduce maintenance and use the difference to pay for court action to ensure proper contact arrangements are in place.
I'm a great believer in paying more than the minimum CSA allowance - children are expensive, but if she's stopping your DSC from seeing their dad, that money would be better used in ensuring contact continues since that is in the child's best interests.

No way should you be paying money towards the Xbox. That's ridiculous. Don't even consider it.

As for the maintenance... I don't know. If you can afford to keep paying the same amount then I would probably just do it. Think carefully about how much more you'll be spending when your own DC arrives as if you can still keep up these higher payments. She knows now that she's got a good deal and she can't dangle contact with DSD as a way of controlling you. You would be within your rights to pay the lower amount of you choose to, but it does seem petty under the circumstances.

The problem is, if you give her the £200 for the Xbox, it will give her amunition to demand more ridiculous sums of money from you both for future birthdays, christmases etc. Your partner needs to put a stop to this NOW before it spirals out of control- which it will.

I know I’m stating the obvious but women like your partner’s ex are greedy, selfish and make it their life’s mission to get as much money out of their exes as they possibly can/make their lives as miserable as possible- even if it means using their own kids as weapons, which you’ve already has experience of.

My advice- go to court to get a contact order so she can’t stop your partner from seeing his daughter if he refuses to keep up with her ridiculous demands, and only pay her the CSA agreed amount- after all, she was the one who went to the CSA out of greed, so she should only get what she’s entitled to. If you want to make up the shortfall when the daughter is with u, then that’s up to you.

I wouldn't cut maintenance just because CSA said you can though.

Why do people talk about single mums when the father is there, caring and contributing? A single parent is looking after children alone or with minimal support from other parent or step parent.

1.Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox

No way, like everyone else has said. If ex wanted to buy a big pressie and couldn't afford it, she should have asked you both nicely ages ago and discussed it, not demanded.

2.Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount?
Yes. And I'd save the rest for dsd in a savings account/premium bonds.

You have dsd almost 50% of the time and pay for 50% clubs and uniform.

His ex has really shot herself in the foot, stupid woman.

Do you normally share the cost of a present, was this a change in the regular set up that has caused her to be let down?

Because of the behaviour, I would not pay now, but I can understand why she'd be upset if that is normally the case.

As for maintenance, I would not reduce it if you can afford it. You're not paying her you're paying for dsd to have a good life.

I ask because I know some women who even after they split up are still expected to do the shopping for gifts for the children.

‘We’ don’t pay maintenance your husband does mind your own business. I wouldn’t pay towards an x box.

Drop the amount and don't pay for the Xbox. And tell her if she withholds contact you'll go to court for a court order....now you have the money for a solicitor.

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP

It must be tough dealing with this and also having a tiny baby as well, you really don't need any extra stress during those lovely (but hugely exhausting) early months!

I have no experience with step-children etc but my first instinct would be a no for the £200 contribution. you've already bought DSD a birthday gift and why should the ex-partner get to dictate what you are all paying for.

For the maintenance, I think your DH should reduce it to the new amount, but keep paying towards all the activities etc...maybe put some of the difference into an savings account for DSD?

This way, there is more control/accountability for where the money actually goes i.e. rather than the higher sum all going directly to your DH's ex.

So your DSD will not miss out or be disadvantaged by the reduction in maintenance. However, I am sure her mum will not be pleased

No idea how easy it is to get a formal agreement re contact but it seems very unfair that the mum can chop and change depending on her relationship with your DH i.e. whether she is happy with him or getting her own way etc

I may be spectacularly off the mark with this as I have no specific experience, but this all seems like a fair compromise. Also, it will give you & DH a bit more financial breathing space, so important while being on maternity leave

Not an issue as I am main breadwinner in the household and together we earn enough to cover any shortfall. My money is his money etc.

Did the CSA calculate on your husband’s income alone? You say yourself that paying the same amount isn’t a problem, why would you ask if others would reduce it? What’s the reasoning behind that?

I would give her the choice. Stop mucking about with access, stick to the agreement and you’ll stick to the agreed maintenance.

If she denies access, then CMA agreed maintenance as you’ll need the balance to fund legal costs taking her to court. Ultimately it’s all being spent on DSD.

And just no to presents purchased before agreement sought. That’s just setting an unnecessary precedent. She shouldn’t promise what she can’t deliver.

Does the ex-P work? And how did she know about the money yu'd saved? Anyway...

Personally, I would carry on paying the £340 but tell her that's all she's getting. End of. It's not for her anyway, it's for the DSD.

I would also tell her if she fucks about over contact, it will be going down to the CSA amount.

Time to put the brakes on her behaviour and your household has some leverage for once. What a shame it has to come to this though.

Oh and I wouldn't even entertain giving her the the X Box money. Tell her to take it out of the "extra" you've been paying.

'We’ don’t pay maintenance your husband does mind your own business

But surely it all comes from the joint financial pot, so to speak?

OP and her DH would have more disposable income if the maintenance was reduced down to the level it should be

It sounds like DH's financial circumstances have changed so the reduction is in line with this

I'd take this slowly. Don't rush in with a response. Talk to a solicitor about having a proper access agreement etc. Get things in writing. I know there are parenting agreements that exist but not sure how legally binding they are.

Then armed with a bit more information might it be possible to have a discussion? DH and his ex cannot discuss stuff so both partners are also in on discussions. Might this be an option for you? Family money and all that.

I'd not be giving the money for the x box and I'd drop maintenance until I'd seen a solicitor and got more information.

Also she's 11, so she's old enough to have a bank account herself. Maybe some of the money could go direct to her with a debit card and instructions for what it should be used for. My DCs all had this quite young.

I keep the card and pay an allowance. They buy all their own clothes and sports stuff. They keep proper accounts and its teaching them about budgeting. There's a bit of holiday spending in there too.

They also have savings accounts that they can access at 18, but they'll have costs they'll need to cover when uni comes.

I wouldn't be contributing to the Xbox.
I'd reduce the maintenance as it's not for you to pay towards that.
I'd be putting the difference in an account towards driving lessons, car, uni etc and tell dd you're saving for her future.