DH exP demanding money

[rosegoldivy]

Ive NC for this as I know people on here and don’t want to be outed.

This might be a long one as I don’t want to drip feed as know step parents are quick to get flamed so will list all the facts before I get to the real problem so please bear with me.

Me and DH married, have been together 6 years and have an 3 month old baby.
One DSD who is 11 and her birthday is in a few weeks.
DH pays maintenance at 340 per month. This is not calculated through CSA or anything but an agreement made when split with ex-P (before I was on the scene). We also pay for clubs (gymnastics and swimming) Have DSD one week Friday – Monday and next week Thursday – Saturday afternoon (although since baby has arrived DSD has been up lots more for evenings and overnights etc as we want her to have as much time with baby as she wants). We also go halves on school uniforms, school trips etc
Several years ago DH changed jobs (not voluntary) and took a reduction in salary but continued paying the pre agreed amount of maintenance even though sometimes he is left short. Not an issue as I am main breadwinner in the household and together we earn enough to cover any shortfall. My money is his money etc. DH didn’t even tell ex-P about change in job as it wasn’t going to affect her

Ex-P has been somewhat difficult over the years to say the least, lots of withholding contact with DSD when she doesn’t get her way if we don’t/can’t accommodate swaps etc this isn’t point of thread but is just an insight to what her behaviour can be like.
As far as I know ex-P is not stuck for cash, ie is always out drinking, always getting hair done, going on weekends away, holidays etc. (I don’t care what she does with her money but just giving you an insight)

Our baby was planned and we saved up for months while TTC and while pregnant to cover the difference between my wage and SMP. I have budgeted everything to a T. Our savings need to last us until I go back to work in October.

Okay…. The issue.
Last month ago Ex-P texted DH the following message “For DSD birthday I’ve bought her an x-box so I will need £200 towards it asap”
We had already bought DSD new Adidas trainers and a new Adidas tracksuit that she had picked herself plus we are paying for a trampoline park party with friends and taking them for lunch. total cost of birthday is roughly £200+. (And we have an xbox in our house which DSD plays when with us)

DH told ex-P no that we wouldn’t be contributing towards xbox as we had already sorted out what we were buying DSD. Ex-P did not take this well and all hell has broken loose. She told DH she “knew” we had the money saved and she was entitled to it as it was for DSD. Ex-P called him every name under the sun and told him he could fight for DSD and she would take us for everything we had.

Long story short, she stopped contact with DSD for 2 weeks and also went to CSA who then calculated and notified both parties that DH should only be paying £170 per month maintenance. Ex-P has obviously now changed her tune but still demanding for another £200 for the xbox.

1. Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox
2. Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount

Im just looking for suggestions and am in no way trying to start a bunfight. Genuinely am just looking for thoughts and opinions on the situation.

In the case of paying for school uniform, clubs etc after her recent behaviour I would be insisting on receipts for everything before handing over any money. She has blown any trust that you had built over the years after this carry on. You need to thread lightly around this woman and be very wary.

I'd reduce the maintenance, but keep the difference aside to use for DSD's other needs. She's getting high school age, and it could be used for things to help her at school, extra curricular activities, or even things like driving lessons in the future.

Pay £200 for the “share” will be paying pretty much for the entire thing.

Id tell her that, in future,all joint gifts need to be agreed on so you dont spend twice. Then I'd tell her you will pay the £200 this time, but in order to be able to afford it you will need to temporarily drop the maintenance down to the CSA minimum for 6 weeks. Then you will put it back to the original payment as you do not want to see dsd going without. Watch her scratch her head as she tries to work out why she ends up with the exact same amount as she would normally.

Give her the lower amount calculated by CSA, and put the remainder that you used to pay into a savings account for his daughter to help her when she grows up. That way you know it is going to good use, and not to the ex's nights out.

If you’re now at 50/50, don’t you stop paying maintenance?

Have just bought my DS an Xbox oneS bundle with three games plus charging unit and it only cost £219 so she is taking the piss!

Obv no to paying halves on the XBox.

I would have thought that a fair approach on the maintenance would be to first work out what DSD's costs are - taking into account bills etc at both homes as well as direct costs - and then split these to reflect the amount of contact each parent has. Once you know what is the amount DP would pay on that basis, you can decide if it's morally right to pay over the CSA amount or not.

So many people trot out the "don't reduce maintenance, it only affects the child" line, but it doesn't necessarily. If it's already over the cost of caring for the child for the period for which the RP has contact, then it's not money for the DC at all, it's subsidising the RP's share.

And if, on this basis, it is ' fair' to reduce the maintenance to the CSA amount, why should all the excess go into savings for DSD, as PP have suggested? Shouldn't it, as family money, be shared between both DC??

You are practically 50:50 so I would actually drop her amount down to the CSA rate as you have your dad almost half the time anyway. She is a complete piss taker.

Dsd not dad

I would be wary of setting up a savings account as a result of reducing maintenance that dsd can access. You wouldn't want her being put in a position by her mother where she feels she has to hand over the cash to her. I would also make sure that maintenance is 'visibly' paid so direct debit fro your DJ's account for example so that she cannot deny he is paying if she has got the CMS involved. (But maybe I'm cynical?)

Personally I think you should forget the CMS figure and work out what you think is reasonable to pay. You know the costs in the area you live, what spare cash you have once your necessities are paid, childcare will certainly eat in to available cash, and decide what is reasonable - but this mess has certainly given you a perfect time to review if you think that is justified /needed!

Can someone please give Carol a hug? Sounds like she’s had a shit day and taking it out on strangers on mumsnet.

Either that or she is in fact the twatty ex-dp.

I am on both sides of this in terms of my blended family. I have been with DP 8 years he has an 11 year son, I have a 10 year old daughter & we have a 3 month old together

My Ex-p & myself have had same arrangement since we split 9 years ago £130 per month through an account, contact every Friday due to his work ( he works away all week) & extra days just arranged between us if he's off ect. Lines of communication are hood & I also respect his partner &DSD as I know it can b tough being a step parent. He doesn't contribute to Xmas ect but I don't need or expect that as we both discuss what we're getting so she has different things at each house. He doesn't pay an extra towards uniforms parties ect either but again this isn't a complaint. He is in his daughters life and the time they do spend together I feel is good quality their on walks, their out doing things and we have always had a very amicable relationship

However my DP and his ex-p is absolute opposite, he give £340 we'll gave sorry per month cash in hand. He halved everything from uniforms,parties, decorating his room at her ex-p house and basically anything she asked. He takes him wed-sat one week then mond-Thursday the next. She doesn't work so the reason it was cash was because of her benefits. On Mother's Day ect she used to text him and ask for specific things such as MAC makeup,boss sunglasses and the list goes on from "their son" and then after about 2 year of me watching it and seeing if he didn't comply she would withhold contact I said my opinion. As she used to threaten CSA claiming to say "I'll tell them you've never paid as there's no proof" which tbh she had a point except he lift the same sum of money every day of the month that's it. So I said this needs to be more structured ask her bank details set up a standing order with Davids name on it to go into her account,absolutely pay all the extras minus these insane gifts she wants and let your son pick what HE wants to get your son. She obviously refused this so my DP has a bank account in Davids name that £340 goes in every month which after speaking to CSA is double what he should be paying. He still but his uniform ect and sends it up but it gets sent back. He has his own room at ours ect and contact stopped initially to two days a week but resumed as this didn't suit her

I'd honestly say stand your ground with Xbox if you give into this now,it'll be something else down the line. It went on and on in my situation

Money aswell is give what CSA said and put the extra in an account and continue to contribute to uniforms trips ect

I feel dads get such a hard time because there is a lot that do nothing (mines included) my mum was actually a single parent I've never known him and he never paid a penny. Whereas there's actually a lot of dads doing everything they can and it's a constant battle and using the child and I am in both positions. I'm the mum who has the ex-p and new partner but I'm also the step mum

Good luck