DH exP demanding money

[rosegoldivy]

Ive NC for this as I know people on here and don’t want to be outed.

This might be a long one as I don’t want to drip feed as know step parents are quick to get flamed so will list all the facts before I get to the real problem so please bear with me.

Me and DH married, have been together 6 years and have an 3 month old baby.
One DSD who is 11 and her birthday is in a few weeks.
DH pays maintenance at 340 per month. This is not calculated through CSA or anything but an agreement made when split with ex-P (before I was on the scene). We also pay for clubs (gymnastics and swimming) Have DSD one week Friday – Monday and next week Thursday – Saturday afternoon (although since baby has arrived DSD has been up lots more for evenings and overnights etc as we want her to have as much time with baby as she wants). We also go halves on school uniforms, school trips etc
Several years ago DH changed jobs (not voluntary) and took a reduction in salary but continued paying the pre agreed amount of maintenance even though sometimes he is left short. Not an issue as I am main breadwinner in the household and together we earn enough to cover any shortfall. My money is his money etc. DH didn’t even tell ex-P about change in job as it wasn’t going to affect her

Ex-P has been somewhat difficult over the years to say the least, lots of withholding contact with DSD when she doesn’t get her way if we don’t/can’t accommodate swaps etc this isn’t point of thread but is just an insight to what her behaviour can be like.
As far as I know ex-P is not stuck for cash, ie is always out drinking, always getting hair done, going on weekends away, holidays etc. (I don’t care what she does with her money but just giving you an insight)

Our baby was planned and we saved up for months while TTC and while pregnant to cover the difference between my wage and SMP. I have budgeted everything to a T. Our savings need to last us until I go back to work in October.

Okay…. The issue.
Last month ago Ex-P texted DH the following message “For DSD birthday I’ve bought her an x-box so I will need £200 towards it asap”
We had already bought DSD new Adidas trainers and a new Adidas tracksuit that she had picked herself plus we are paying for a trampoline park party with friends and taking them for lunch. total cost of birthday is roughly £200+. (And we have an xbox in our house which DSD plays when with us)

DH told ex-P no that we wouldn’t be contributing towards xbox as we had already sorted out what we were buying DSD. Ex-P did not take this well and all hell has broken loose. She told DH she “knew” we had the money saved and she was entitled to it as it was for DSD. Ex-P called him every name under the sun and told him he could fight for DSD and she would take us for everything we had.

Long story short, she stopped contact with DSD for 2 weeks and also went to CSA who then calculated and notified both parties that DH should only be paying £170 per month maintenance. Ex-P has obviously now changed her tune but still demanding for another £200 for the xbox.

1. Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox
2. Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount

Im just looking for suggestions and am in no way trying to start a bunfight. Genuinely am just looking for thoughts and opinions on the situation.

I would refuse to pay for the Xbox - your present is much more the sort of thing we would buy. We don't have that sort of money to spend on gifts for either bday or Christmas.
Also I would drop the money down to CSA suggested amount but start putting the extra into some sort of savings for DD - perhaps £100 per month into an ISA or premium bonds for when she's older.
She sounds like a nightmare!

If I were in your DH's position, I would reduce the maintenance payments, to £250. Still in excess of the CMS amount but not as much as has been paid. I would use the difference (£90) on clothes, treats, etc that's you DSD would like to have/need during time spent with you or put into savings for DSD as she gets older.

I would absolutely not cave into paying any money towards the x box. And should the ex try to blame you/your DH, I would explain to DSD that unfortunately you had already bought her gifts when her mum mentioned it, so couldn't do both.

I wouldn't pay for the x box as that is just silly. You had no say in that.

I think I would stick with the maintenance as long as she doesn't mess around any more with contact. Because it's for DSD.

Oh give over Carol you sound ridiculous!

Don't give in to any more demands from the exW.
You are having DSD almost 50/50 now and not much less before new baby arrived.
Plus all the contributions to clubs, activities, and school uniform etc
Reduce the maintenance to CMS amount.
Don't contribute to Xbox.
Stand your ground now and stop feeling obliged to fund this crazy woman's lifestyle whilst you have to save to make sure you have enough to live on on ML.
It's time to stop being held to ransom by her demands.

Thanks to everyone who had added constructive advice and comments.

100% agree that there is no chance that we will contribute to the xbox and will stand firm on that

The rest of the comments about mainatance are all very fair and will be food for thought to discuss with DH as to how we move forward although i see any decsion thats made will not be good enough (including the xbox as she is adamant that she wants the money for that).

i had never thought about opening an isa or a savings account for young children and regardless of this current situation it sounds like a good idea to put in place fo DSD and for our newborn.

I would offer £50 as a conciliatry gesture on the proviso that any extra requests for going halves on presents are made well in advance and in negotiation with your DP.
I would not change the maintenance as you were otherwise happy to pay it and had no intention of changing it. This is not the opportunity to punish the Ex regardless of her own finances and how she spends it.
Ex is linking finances with visitation which is unpleasant so I can understand you being fed up.

@msSquiz exactly and DSD picked her own trainers and tracksuit and asked for the trampoline park party so knows that we are getting her something seperate.

someone mentioned earlier about shared presents, we have always done seperate presents for birthday / Xmas though spoke about who was getting what as christmas to stop her getting two of the same thing. There was one year we contributed towards the cost of a party for DSD so maybe thats where the idea that we would go halvers with her came from. but the party was all discussed and agreed well in advance.

The OP quite clearly says that she was the one encouraging her husband to hold off reducing the maintenance while they thought about it.

Your dh ex sounds like a really nasty person. Who stops access to a dad who pays maintenance and has his dd frequently?

Don’t pay the £200 for the ex box. You’ve got your sds present already sorted.

Personally, I wouldn’t reduce the maintenance. I would imagine nasty ex got a big shock when the csa maintenance of £170 came through. Might make her think twice about using nasty tricks in future.

Give her £30 and say we’ll pay you as normal for this month and take the rest out of that! 😂

I would be very clear it’s a no on the Xbox and not open to further discussion.

I would leave the maintenance as it is, but tell her if she ever withholds access again over money you will go to the reduced payment immediately without further discussion.

It's not £11.00 per day, it's £22.00 as both parents should be making a joint contribution.

I for one certainly don't spend £22.00 per day on the DCs.

It also sounds like OPs DH has their children just under 50/50. They also have to cover rent/mortgage and bills etc.. as well for the time DSD is there.

OP I wouldn't contribute to the Xbox. And I'd be reducing payments and putting the remainder into savings for when DD is older (which will benefit her massively).

I certainly wouldn't be paying anything towards the x box, i also think £340 a month is excessive for 1 child, your husband has been told he should only be paying £170 a month so that's what he should pay, don't forget his child support will be based on his income and also his ex partners income, she's trying to take him for as much as she can

No way would I pay the £200, and I wouldn't give into the blackmail either.

I'm with the poster up thread who suggested saying to the ExP that you will maintain the £340 so long as she stops her games of withholding contact.

Any incidence of her withholding contact will mean you will reduce to the CSA recommended amount.

My brothers ExW was like her.. she gets just over £800 a month off my brother, even though they have 50/50 shared contact (Court agreement) and its WAAAAY over the CSA amount... and she still tried demanding more off him...

Dont give into it.

Personally I'd drop to £240, you have 50/50 care which often results in no maintenance payments, you go halves on near everything, the ex has a live in partner so I doubt she's shouldering household costs alone, she's a chancer.

I’d drop the maintenance to the amount said by csa next month.

Give her the full amount this month and say take the £200 out of that.

Sorted.

Put the extra in account for both your kids.

I would reduce the maintenance a bit and put that into a savings account. I would also be going to court to firm up access to stop her being able to use contact as a weapon as that can only benefit your SD.

1. No
2. Yes

Save the difference from what you were paying previously. Dip into for (both) DC stuff over the years and then give what's left over to DSD when she's 18/21/25 whatever.

@MrsCasares oh her attitute certainly changed as soon as she found out about the CSA amount. she has asked DH several times what hes going to do about the maintenance so i think she knows shes shot herself in the foot.

@Folf i agree that she cant keep witholding contact without any consequences. Its just something for her to have that in her ammunition as a threat. anything that is agreed with the money that will be agreed with that being part of the conditions.

Given DSD's age (and presumably she's about to start secondary school). I'd not pay for the xBox (which is a joke of a request) and reduce maintenance to £290 which gives a round £50 a month directly into DSD's bank telling her she has to pay for makeup/presents for friends' birthdays/magazines/delete as appropriate for whatever extras the youth of today want.

My parents also used to make me pay for my travel pass to school out of it.

Your no worse off than you are now, DH is paying well in excess of the minimum contribution (which I agree personally is not a place to start but it does give a basis), and DSD feels more grown up and is being taught to manage finances. Everyone's a winner.

I wouldn’t pay the £200

As for the maint, I’d drop it to the csa amount, but I’d put the difference away in a savings account for dsd to use for what she likes. She could use it for driving lessons or clothes, this way the money goes directly to her. You’re already contributing towards house etc via child maint, and on top of that paying half for school Uniforms and trips Etc.

You may find she tries to stop him seeing her, in this case I’d then go via the courts and sort it out that way. Might seem a pain now, but I think it would stop additional hassle in the future

*You're not your (sorry) - must preview

Don't pay the £200. Don't reduce the maintenance over this, though if ex tries to fuck about with access I suppose it's somethi your husband can use to enforce reasonableness. And open savings accounts for both kids because that's just a good idea generally.

I would drop to the lower amount as per CSA, but if you can afford out put the difference aside in an account for DSD to be used when she turns 18. It looks like all her immediate needs are covered, so why give extra to the mother to spend on herself... and no to the extra $200.