DH exP demanding money

[rosegoldivy]

Ive NC for this as I know people on here and don’t want to be outed.

This might be a long one as I don’t want to drip feed as know step parents are quick to get flamed so will list all the facts before I get to the real problem so please bear with me.

Me and DH married, have been together 6 years and have an 3 month old baby.
One DSD who is 11 and her birthday is in a few weeks.
DH pays maintenance at 340 per month. This is not calculated through CSA or anything but an agreement made when split with ex-P (before I was on the scene). We also pay for clubs (gymnastics and swimming) Have DSD one week Friday – Monday and next week Thursday – Saturday afternoon (although since baby has arrived DSD has been up lots more for evenings and overnights etc as we want her to have as much time with baby as she wants). We also go halves on school uniforms, school trips etc
Several years ago DH changed jobs (not voluntary) and took a reduction in salary but continued paying the pre agreed amount of maintenance even though sometimes he is left short. Not an issue as I am main breadwinner in the household and together we earn enough to cover any shortfall. My money is his money etc. DH didn’t even tell ex-P about change in job as it wasn’t going to affect her

Ex-P has been somewhat difficult over the years to say the least, lots of withholding contact with DSD when she doesn’t get her way if we don’t/can’t accommodate swaps etc this isn’t point of thread but is just an insight to what her behaviour can be like.
As far as I know ex-P is not stuck for cash, ie is always out drinking, always getting hair done, going on weekends away, holidays etc. (I don’t care what she does with her money but just giving you an insight)

Our baby was planned and we saved up for months while TTC and while pregnant to cover the difference between my wage and SMP. I have budgeted everything to a T. Our savings need to last us until I go back to work in October.

Okay…. The issue.
Last month ago Ex-P texted DH the following message “For DSD birthday I’ve bought her an x-box so I will need £200 towards it asap”
We had already bought DSD new Adidas trainers and a new Adidas tracksuit that she had picked herself plus we are paying for a trampoline park party with friends and taking them for lunch. total cost of birthday is roughly £200+. (And we have an xbox in our house which DSD plays when with us)

DH told ex-P no that we wouldn’t be contributing towards xbox as we had already sorted out what we were buying DSD. Ex-P did not take this well and all hell has broken loose. She told DH she “knew” we had the money saved and she was entitled to it as it was for DSD. Ex-P called him every name under the sun and told him he could fight for DSD and she would take us for everything we had.

Long story short, she stopped contact with DSD for 2 weeks and also went to CSA who then calculated and notified both parties that DH should only be paying £170 per month maintenance. Ex-P has obviously now changed her tune but still demanding for another £200 for the xbox.

1. Would you even consider to fork out £200 extra for xbox
2. Would you change the maintenance to the lower amount

Im just looking for suggestions and am in no way trying to start a bunfight. Genuinely am just looking for thoughts and opinions on the situation.

Don't pay for the Xbox. If she wants DSD to have one at her house, SHE needs to buy it and pay for it herself. What a sense of entitlement.

'We’ don’t pay maintenance your husband does mind your own business

@CaroleDanvers, im not snide at all, and as i mentioned before it wasnt a dig. I was trying to convey that shes not short on cash. and if im brutally honest Im particularly jelous of her hair as everytime i see her her extentions always look like they came straight from a Loreal advert.

If i wanted to be snide or particularly nasty i could be and could easily resort to name calling. but whats the point? Gets me nowhere nor is it helpful to this situation.

theres a lot of intresting thoughts and opinions on here with regards to the maintance side. To clarify yes we can afford the higher amount at the moment as this too was taken into consideration when saving to cover the difference for the drop to SMP. Could we be doing with the extra money at the moment? of course we could.

for context DSD has probably been with us just over 50/50 at the moment as she is besotted with being a big sister (usually have her 2 nights one week and 3 the next)

Yes exP works - unsure of her wage but as i mentioned she does not seem to be short on cash. also has a partner who moved in last summer. no idea what or if he contributes to the household.

I absolutely would not be paying for the X-Box, but if you can afford it I would leave the maintenance where it is as it will affect DSD having it dropped.
You don't have too many years of this nonsense left, DSD will soon be old enough to arrange her own visits and realise that her mum can be difficult and it's not her dad trying to stop her coming over.

I think your DH is beyond fair. Obviously we are only hearing your biased side of things but sounds like he is doing everything he can do to make both DSD and her lives easy and comfortable.

My exH is a complete prick. I get almost half what your DH pays for three DC, no further contributions towards school trips or uniform because that is supposed to cover it all and he barely sees them just to add to the mix so... Your DH sounds like a decent Dad and person, she is taking the piss out of his good nature.

Definitely shouldn’t pay towards the Xbox. If she wants to get her DD an Xbox, she should be paying for it.

It's all very well Lllot to say the DH is paying it, not the OP but once a couple combine income, in effect they are both paying it. The family 'pot' available is reduced, regardless of where the money originates from. So it has become her business, esp if the DH couldn't afford to pay it without her income covering the rest of his bills.

No to the Xbox

Drop to the legal amount of CSA

She isn’t a single parent. This child has two parents looking after her.

Ex sil is similar.

Sorry if this has already been suggested OP but what I would consider is lowering the monthly amount to £170 and then putting the remaining £170 that he was originally paying into a separate savings pot which can be given to her towards university fees/deposit for a house when she's older.

That way the Mother can't kick off because it would really benefit DSD in the future.

Hope you get it all sorted, OP! She sounds like a nightmare!

On 2nd thought does DSD have a ISA or similar? If she does I'd drop the money going to her mum by £50-£100 and put it in a savings for DD. Let DD know if the mum complains about that. You can always buy what DD needs - clothes, whatever - for her separately if the lower contribution becomes a factor.

Tell dh to send this.
Ha ha exp, it's not April fool's day til Monday!!
She is a massive cf.

£340 works out to what £11 a day ish doesn’t seem a lot to me.

She’s not exactly watching every penny like you have been.

If I were in your shoes I would cut the payments down to the recommended amount but continue to pay for half the school fees, uniform etc. it’s not like the mum has dsd full time. You are having to spend money to feed and cloth her too. I’d use some of the difference to buy extras for dsd, at least that way you know she is benefiting from the money and the mum isn’t using the extra to get her hair or nails done

Csa is the minimum amount expected so I wouldn't be spiteful and drop the amount. I would however stand firm on not contributing to the x box as you've already bought birthday presents.

You can not spend £200 of someone else's money without asking them first. 'I know you've got it' is not an acceptable reason.

I agree with PP to reduce the amount to the CSA instructed and bank the rest for the future. that will be £11760 by the time she's 18 to put towards uni. (and maybe a few fewer hair extensions for ExP)

@caroleDanvers are you being difficult just for the sake of being difficult? lol i say "we" because i see me an DH as a unit. We have one joint bank account. we pay the bills. We share time with DSD. WE are a family.

Did the CSA calculate on your husband’s income alone?
yes. the CSA calculated the amounts on DH income as that is what is required and done for anyone calculating maitenance payments.

why would you ask if others would reduce it? What’s the reasoning behind that?

The reason for asking what others would do is because i am looking for opinions as many posters do on every thread. you have shared yours.

I would be of the opinion to lower the maintenance amount and open a little account for your daughter, popping the extra into her account. At least you know then the child is directly benefiting from the “extra” money than the mother.

For the maintenance, I think your DH should reduce it to the new amount, but keep paying towards all the activities etc...maybe put some of the difference into an savings account for DSD?

This way, there is more control/accountability for where the money actually goes i.e. rather than the higher sum all going directly to your DH's ex.

Don't pay for the xbox - she doesn't get to choose your presents without discussion.

Reduce maintenance to the CMS amount - continue paying halves of everything else. Save or spend the money on DSD directly.

The hair and always out trope is one that crops up on almost every thread I see about difficult ex wives/partners. It is tediously predictable and is snide whether you meant to be or not. What she does with her hair is irrelevant and you mentioning it is meant to portray her in a certain light i.e shallow, greedy and frivolous.

Lllot5

£340 works out to what £11 a day ish doesn’t seem a lot to me.

But the mum doesn’t have the dsd full time, so it’s more like 22 per day plus their own expenses looking after dsd too

Me and exdp never went through child maintenance, and I never had money off him, because we were 50:50 contact. Sometimes we ‘joined’ together on a present, other times I’d say ‘dc asked me for X do you want to go halves?’ And he would say ‘I’ve already got him x,y,z’. That’s fine. I pay for it myself. I would have never dreamt of buying/promising a gift I couldn’t afford on my own, and demand that exdp and his partner contribute. That’s absurd.

So you can afford it and it isn’t a problem but you still want to reduce it plus you insert a veiled bitch about her hair etc. You’re trying to come across as though you’re really considering it and trying to be fair and not a typical jealous second wife but you’re failing imvho. Your posts are about as typical as these kinds of posts get. Go on reduce it, punish the ex, make things even more shit between all the grown ups involved and meanwhile the person who suffers yet has no say is his dd. Same old same old. You just want permission to do it and feel good about it.

@caroledanvers okay carole il play it your way and will rephrase. "DH exP is not short on cash and has a disposable income which quite rightly she enjoys spending"

does that appease you?

I would not be contributing to the Xbox, not a chance.

With regard to the maintenance, I would be seriously considering lowering it to the required amount but putting the difference to one side for DSD when she is at your house/when she needs it. I wouldn’t be paying the higher amount to the Ex anymore, she thought she’d get more going through CMS, she should have thought about it first before throwing a tantrum!

I wouldn't pay for the Xbox. Totally unreasonable of the ex unless agreed in advance.

I'd tell her that maintenance will stay the same IF contact remains as agreed. Every month she plays silly buggers, she gets CSA amount only.