to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

[EleanorEclipse]

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

I think it is a big ask, particularly if you aren't close.

Agree that any though of having people round is very cheeky.

I'm inclined to think she should be looking for a flatshare like everyone else.

*To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc.

It's not your DD's place to set her sights on someone else's house. Entitled and CF indeed.

I mentioned the job to my sister and her reply was "How lovely! I'll be able to meet her lunch and little shopping trips". I didn't tell her about the rent/salary situation.

There's your answer - if her aunt wanted your DD disrupting her life by moving in, and filling the house with visiting pals, I'm sure she's capable of offering.

What rent/salary situation? How do you think every other young person starting work in London copes? The normal thing to do is to find a house share - its a rite of passage and you learn a lot about being independent and a hell of a lot about other people.

She didn't say has a job though, Yousay, she said: 'we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me. ' That has a totally different meaning in the context of the rest of the post.

I lived in zone 2 on 23k up until about a year ago. Housing association, rent actually went down last year, studio flat kinda like student halls (small and a bit shit but mine and I didn't have to share). Colleagues on similar salaries flat shares.

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc

She’s set her sights on her Aunts house and you seem to think that’s fine? Jesus wept, it’s no wonder your sister had her answer well prepared! You’re a right pair of CF’s.

Ah, I see XX, I may have projected a little, I am mid 40s too and with 2 grown up sons, so was

It's not 1950.

Many women are career orientated. The upshot of this is that they can afford swish houses in London and havent been bled dry by their children.

In fact some women manage to get the swish house, career and have children. People tend to be impressed rather than thinking "career bitch". This is probably at least one of the reasons the daughter wants to share with her and not friends her own age. It's impressive.

Staying with her longterm is a huge ask on the part of your aunt. Also your DD would probably get fed up of living with a 55 yr old, surely? If she's 22 and new to London she'll want to be doing all sorts of exciting things and living in her own way, not being a guest in a guardian's house. It depends on their relationship, of course, but I think it's a recipe for disaster and could end in your DD disrespecting her aunt's ground rules and causing friction in the family. 2 years is a LONG TIME.

Would it not be better for your DD to ask if she could stay with your aunt for just a month, or even a couple of weeks, while she finds herself a second job to cover costs - perhaps bar work or similar. Then she'll have the money she needs to be independent. Also I agree with PPs that your DD probably could afford to live independently but is just being choosy - London is horrendously expensive but people on low incomes manage to get by somehow. My DH was a student whose only income was working in a bar part time and still managed to pay for a house share in a rough area. Part of her becoming an adult is learning about all of these things. If she wants the nice house where her aunt lives then that's something for her to aspire to.

*DH was a student in London, I meant to say

I moved down to London without a job to get experience in my industry and stayed with a relative for a couple of months until I got a job. I was super grateful for the start this gave me, but they were used to living alone, and it wouldn’t have worked long term (I think even in the time I was there I managed to annoy them!) As soon as I started earning I l moved out into a flat with three others. You may think your DD would be thoughtful/considerate but she is young, your DS is not used to living with anyone, let alone a twenty something. And neither of you are all that close to your DS. I can see why you/DD see this as the ‘perfect solution’ but for your DS it is probably anything but. Agree with PPs that the ‘lunches and shopping’ suggestion was a line in the sand.

I think you could only approach this as a couple of months to allow DD time to find an affordable house share and save up a little. I also can’t understand how she can’t afford any houseshare when there are students/apprentices etc here able to make it work. I was not earning a lot when I started out. What is the salary? There is a value in having to tough it out a bit at first.

I know that it isn't 1950. The OP clearly doesn't though. She and her daughtter have failed to understand that the aunt has worked hard for her house and lifestyle and doesn't want to share it with her niece, despite being divorced and having no kids. The fact OP thinks it's acceptable to ask that the daughter live their apparently rent free, suggests she begrudges her sister's freedom. I also reckon the OP will think the aunt should leave the house to her dc when the time comes, because her daughter needs it and the aunt has it.

there, rather.

Wow, just wow! Your dd sounds very entitled.

Your sister knows your daughter is relocating to London and has not offered for her to move in.

She's set her sights on the house and is already planning on inviting people over? Sounds like it would be a big imposition for your sister.

How much is dd going to earn? She'll just have to downgrade her expectations won't she?

If I was your sister I'd have my niece for a month or two whilst she looked for somewhere, but I'd have an agreed end date. I'd certainly not want her there for 2 years!

Your sister hasn’t offered so you can ask, but I’ll be very surprised if she agrees

Ask initially to help your niece find a place or advice on where to go. She may actually be aware of something more within her budget and her age group through friends or younger colleagues, particularly if she works for a big organization.

If you do ask at some point, make sure she doesn't feel forced to say yes. And if she does say yes, make sure it's for a defined period and your DD should stick to it.

Maybe a couple of months until she finds something she likes within her budget?

The problem is that your DD may need to lower standards or go to less desirable (cheaper) locations. It comes with moving to London at the bottom of a career ladder.

In the aunt's place I wouldn't think a young niece would want to live with a boring 55 year old, so I wouldn't offer unless she showed an interest, even if I was happy for her to stay, though.

We’re a bit younger and don’t have children. I would gladly have the niece stay as a short-term measure while she looked for accommodation, but at the risk of sounding horrible, it would be a no as a longer-term thing. There is no way I would want a 22 year old living here. Sorry if that sounds rude. I hope my sibling would realise that, and not put me in such an awkward position as to ask.

If you are not especially close to your sister I’m guessing your daughter does not have a close relationship with her either, why on earth would your sister want someone she does not have a great deal to do with disrupt, what I’m guessing is her lovely life, just because you share a bit of DNA? Your daughter sounds entitled and yes I think you ABU for even asking, your sister knows your daughter is moving to London, she would have offered if she had wanted to, she doesn’t want to offer, she has made that clear and your daughter is stepping into CF territory with her presumptions.

Your daughter has set her sights on your sisters house, without even asking? Your daughter is being rude! And did you say she can have friends round etc? What on earth?!

1-2 years is a huge ask - does your daughter even know this sister of yours?

I think you are being unreasonable. I say this from the perspective of the Aunt. I love my nieces and I am very, very close to my sisters (ther mother’s) however I would not agree to having them stay for up to 2 years, rent free (that’s how you OP reads) and to them treating m6 house as though it was their own, or the way the lived at home (eg: friends over at all hours, overnight guests, me doing more chores, cleaning etc after them, and generally feeling more restricted in my own entertaining with friends etc in my own home).

I work incredibly hard, and I treasure my time at home.

What I would do (and only as I am very close to my sisters and nieces) is offer for them to stay for up to 2-3 months, at nominal rent and with clearly defined house rules eg: cooking one night a week, no overnight guests, no friends over unless text beforehand, does her own cleaning, laundry etc of the spaces she uses.

Even then, it would be a big imposition for me, and I would feel pretty saintly for doing it and putting a lot of my life on hold to do it. I would also worry about the potential for it to go wrong and to result in a fall out with my niece (or more importantly to me - my sister). Frankly, MY life is busy enough, I try and do whatever possible to minimise my home/family life being difficult.

I would, however, love to see her for coffee/lunch, little shopping trips and shout her food and/or gift her some money when I saw her at those times, as my relatives occasionally did for me.

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc

Cheeky fuckery writ large

She had the opportunity to offer and she didn’t, I think it would be rude to ask in these circumstances.

Honestly since this thread started I’ve just had “two years” floating around my head. Thousands of young people on starting salaries live in London and not in four beds in Ealing having their mates around. OP if you ever come back like I said before I’d love to know how you and DD think everyone else manages.

And it goes without saying that I'd expect my daughter to pay her way at her auntie's house!

Pay her way in terms of living costs only, or paying proper rent?