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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

413 replies

EleanorEclipse · 23/03/2019 22:23

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 23/03/2019 22:45

I think your dd is getting way ahead of herself here. Tbh not that many people would be happy to do this i don't think. I wouldn't be surprised if your sister says no.

trilbydoll · 23/03/2019 22:45

I'm not sure this is going to work if she's already imagining inviting people round to somewhere she doesn't live Grin ask if she can stay there for probation / use as a base for house hunting. Your sister's reaction will probably indicate how welcome she is!

Hahaha88 · 23/03/2019 22:45

There's no harm in asking as long as you make it clear saying no isn't going to cause any problems for her

Bookworm4 · 23/03/2019 22:46

*Enjoy having friends round
Think that's presumptive for planning to live in someone else's house; it's her aunts not her home.
Think she does need to prepare for a no especially if your sister has always lived alone.

justasking111 · 23/03/2019 22:46

Good idea for your daughter to stay with her whilst house hunting to get an idea of living commuting in London. Aunt may well like her peace and quiet though.

Whereareyouspot · 23/03/2019 22:47

‘She’d enjoy having friends round’

Er hang on....your dd is already thinking of who she will invite there?

Your dd can’t afford anywhere else as she wants a cheap (free) rent in a swanky house in a nice area.
She isn’t looking properly OP
Many people afford to live in London on low wages

But not a five bedder in ealing.

Hahaha88 · 23/03/2019 22:47

Though I'm shocked at the amount of people who have said it would be a no from them. It's family, you do for family. With clear rules and boundaries of course

MeteorGarden92 · 23/03/2019 22:47

🤔 As someone who moved to London at 21 (not all that long ago) I think there’s an element of ‘independently proving yourself’ that goes into moving to London post graduation. Whenever you hear about people living with family/ being subsidised by their parents (although yes it is common) you kinda rolled your eyes and knew that actually these kids wouldn’t have made it on their own.

But equally I can see your point and yes if you have a family member who may allow DD to stay with them then there’s nothing wrong with asking. However, I’d be concerned that DD may struggle, the first year or two are not always very ‘house rules’ friendly - lots of late nights/networking/events.

DD will meet so many new people and may end up butting heads with DA if she’s wanting to bring friends home/guys home...etc.

I was incredibly well behaved at home but in my first year in London I lived like a pig (no time to clean/chores) and made questionable choices!

ivegotthisyeah · 23/03/2019 22:47

Maybe ask if your daughter could 'rent' a room off her and see where that goes

user1473878824 · 23/03/2019 22:48

How do you and your daughter think everyone else on starting salaries in London manages? Have a look on Gumtree and Spareroom.com because you sister may very well say no.

user1473878824 · 23/03/2019 22:49

I think @ivegotthisyeah has it.

CatGoals · 23/03/2019 22:49

What salary is she on?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 23/03/2019 22:49

Even if you say that your sister is free to say no, it will affect your relationship if you ask and she doesn't want to. It's quite restricting to share a house - your sister might feel she can't have noisy sex with her fella, for example or walk around the house in her undies.

Iloveacurry · 23/03/2019 22:49

Oh gosh, she’s getting ahead of herself, set her sights, have friends over. That might not be something your sister wants ...

phoolani · 23/03/2019 22:50

If you know your sister well, you’ll know what her answer will be. If you don’t know her well enough to know that, you probably shouldn’t be asking.
I think it’d be much better if your dd raised it.

DerelictWreck · 23/03/2019 22:51

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc

Sounds like your DD is getting a little ahead of herself - she's not even broached the subject yet let alone discussed things like having friends around!

What's the salary OP? I started in London on £25K 4 years ago and managed just fine with spending £1K a month on rent.

Gitfeatures · 23/03/2019 22:51

I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc. The idea came from her, although she doesn't see her aunt that much so she asked me to think about it and intercede on her behalf.

DD is officially straying info CF territory.
She is an adult and can ask the question herself.

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 23/03/2019 22:54

The fact your DD has 'set her sights and likes the area can invite friends ect.' makes me think YWBVVVU to ask your sister. Your DD (from what you have written here) sounds a bit of a princess and I worry your sister would be very aware of 'sharing' her house with her. By which I mean, your DD would assume she could do as she liked and take over areas, rather than being an adult lodger.

Rainatnight · 23/03/2019 22:55

I don't think either you or your DD are thinking about what your DSIs would get from this. Sure, DD "likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc", but how on earth does that benefit DSis?

I think the suggestion of staying for 6-8 weeks while she finds a place to live is a good one. That's what I did when I moved to London at that age.

Also, what's the salary? It's not a 'fabulous job' if it doesn't actually cover her cost of living Hmm

We have new grads where I work and while they're not brilliantly paid (public sector), they can all cover a house share somewhere.

SuziQ10 · 23/03/2019 22:55

No, a year or two is too much to ask.
Your sister may be the independent sort who like their own space. It's a bit presumptuous.

My parents have a big house in a nice part of London. Over the last several years both of my younger cousins have spent time staying there. My parents are happy to have them rent free for a few months at a time. They have both returned a couple of times after rental properties falling through / job losses / breakups etc. My parents are happy to have them as short term guests but not to stay more permanently. Which is fair.

Could you ask your sister if your DD could stay for 3 or 4 months while she finds her feet? Then, seeing how it goes she may be able to extend - or she might have a little something saved up to start renting with friends.

PCohle · 23/03/2019 22:56

Yeah I think your DD is getting waaay ahead of herself, to the extent that it comes across as a little presumptuous.

Do you think your sister would enjoy having her nice house constantly filled up with your DD's random mates? It doesn't sound like she's planning on being the ideal housemate and obviously if it doesn't work out your sister is in a horrible position.

If she's an adult enough to be a considerate, respectful lodger then she's adult enough to raise the issue herself.

Personally I think living in a grotty flatshare in zone 5 is part of the young London graduate experience tbh. Living with your mates and learning how to budget and cope with household emergencies is part of becoming an adult.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 23/03/2019 22:56

Yes, I definitely wouldn't want my niece inviting people I don't know back to my house.

Starlight456 · 23/03/2019 22:56

I was all for asking Aunt till I read the asking friends round. At 55 I doubt she wants a trail of post grads in her house.

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 23/03/2019 22:59

Oh, and what would your DD pay? If you want her to be independent she should expect to pay market rent - 15-25% to her aunt at the very least IMHO. Or are you both hoping to cadge a freebie if aunt wanted lodger in her 3 spare rooms, I assume she'd find them herself and claim the tax free income

MojoMoon · 23/03/2019 22:59

What will she be earning?

You can get a room in a houseshare in an outer borough for 500 a month easily. Bit grotty maybe but won't hurt.