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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

413 replies

EleanorEclipse · 23/03/2019 22:23

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

OP posts:
Womaninred · 24/03/2019 00:48

Just ask. But not two years ! A month or two whilst she gets settled into job and finds somewhere to live. And no she can’t have friends round or tomstary whilst staying at her aunts!

jayritchie · 24/03/2019 00:48

Have we found out how much the daughters salary is yet, and what type of work?

clairemcnam · 24/03/2019 01:01

No we have not found out the salary yet. i suspect that is because it is perfectly possible for her to live in a house share, and the Aunt will know that too.

WorraLiberty · 24/03/2019 01:03

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc. The idea came from her, although she doesn't see her aunt that much so she asked me to think about it and intercede on her behalf.

Are you serious? She likes the location and she'd enjoy having friends round etc'? I don't know whether to Grin or Hmm

I bet she did ask you to think about it and intercede on her behalf. She sounds like a cheeky cow trying to get a bit of a free ride.

You need to step back. She's a 22 year old woman. Let her sort out her own accommodation whether it's with her aunt or with others in a shared house.

itwaseverthus · 24/03/2019 01:05

Your sister lives alone for a reason.

Yabbers · 24/03/2019 01:11

and she'd enjoy having friends round etc.
🙄 She’s already taking the piss.

If she wants to live with her aunt, she needs to grow up and ask her.

But it sounds to me like she’s looking for the easy route.

clairemcnam · 24/03/2019 01:14

I do think if a 22 year old can not ask her Aunt herself if she can stay, then that it is obviously not appropriate to ask.

SD1978 · 24/03/2019 01:21

If aunt says yes- I'd doubt that your daughter will be or should be having her friends round. It would be as a base for her, not a location for her mates. Would also make sure she was aware that inviting friends done for a weekend would probably be off limits too. It's your sisters house, and if she moves in it wouldn't be as equals.

LunafortJest · 24/03/2019 01:44

She has already gone as far as thinking she can have friends around?!??? Wow. Why didn't you pull her up on that, and told her to cool her jets? She sounds so self-serving, ungrateful and presumptuous. And why does she need a year or two. Surely she could save for the bond in say, 3 months or 6 months? Getting her own place ASAP should be the goal, not find someone she can mooch off for an entire year or two!! You have got to be effing joking! Your daughter sounds like a spoiled brat who doesn't stop to think that her aunt might not want strangers around, she clearly wants to live at someone else's expense and is not in a hurry to be self-reliant, responsible and out on her own. It sounds like you have done her no favours by encouraging her selfish and spoiled entitled attitude. Tell her you won't ask for her, she is 22, and to grow the eff up! If she cannot afford to live in London without imposing on others (and daring to think she can invite friends to her aunt's house), then she simply cannot take the job. End of story.

DistanceCall · 24/03/2019 01:49

Nothing wrong with asking. But (a) asking, not expecting and no hard feelings if the aunt says no, (b) your daughter needs to do the asking, (c) you should tell her that if her aunt accepts, the aunt lays down the rules, and it's unlikely that she'll want people coming over all the time.

Seeingadistance · 24/03/2019 01:53

A few years back my adult nephew stayed with me for a few months as he was working on a fixed term contract a few miles from me. When he told me he had a chance of the job, I offered him my spare room.

If the OP's sister had wanted to have her niece to stay, for any length of time, she also would have offered.

She didn't.

Shinesweetfreedom · 24/03/2019 02:32

LIke fuck would I be having my house invaded relative or not.And then for her to think she can bring strangers to me,into my home,er no.
And I say that as a mother of a 15 year old daughter,who has loads of mates in all the time.
Yeah cf there.
If she can’t stand on her own two feet with a little flat share,further out zone 6 or beyond,then perhaps she should look closer to home for work.
Or you could work additional hours to support her,but you and her both have brass neck to think it is acceptable to take over someone else’s house.

nocoolnamesleft · 24/03/2019 03:07

I started reading this thinking it would be nice of the aunt to offer...but your dd is already planning the parties, isn't she? Seems a tad presumptuous.

LunafortJest · 24/03/2019 03:13

If she has friends in London (in order to have around at her aunt's house) why isn't she asking her friends if she can stay with them? Or some sort of flatshare arrangement with friends?

BlackPrism · 24/03/2019 03:19

Of course you should ask. As a 23 yo on £17k I could only be here living with my DP.because he's on £36k but It's insane.
I do have other friends paying £650p/m rent and earning £1200 p/m who make it work though. They go out very little and minimise all other costs- it's not fun for them but it's worth it for the career (journalism).

Monty27 · 24/03/2019 03:26

It depends whether your sister is pliable to young people partying Grin
Your dd would have to respect boundaries though.
And it'll bring you closer to dsis.
In that scenario it should be perfect Smile

perfectstorm · 24/03/2019 03:32

I'm being treated medically at a central London hospital, and a lot of the lower paid staff work in dormitory suburbs as they can't afford London. Long commutes, obviously. But they have support staff and cleaning staff who manage to make it work.

I was thinking that asking would be okay, as long as she understood she had to be the perfect lodger - not seen very much and definitely not heard. Then I read that she was thrilled by the area, and planning to ask friends back to this lovely large house, and my heart instantly sank. Honestly, she's assuming she'd be living there with it as her house. When she'd not even be paying a fraction of what a lodger would, and she'd be there as a favour. She's not a teenager, and she needs to understand that for the arrangement to work she'd need to make herself as invisible and non-intrusive as possible. No mess left around, no extra cleaning, very little noise.

I'd be looking at www.spareroom.co.uk, really. I don't think her living with your sister would end well, and I think it would harm family relationships.

Finally, many very badly paid workers in cities like London get housing benefit as a top-up. Have you looked into whether she'd be one? www.entitledto.co.uk would be a good place to start with that. It could be that she'd get an extra few quid a month that could spill her over into it being affordable. Won't know if you don't look into it.

perfectstorm · 24/03/2019 03:38

Very simply - your DD seems to be looking at this as a way to short-cut herself into the fabulous London life she's always wanted. That's not going to end well. She needs to look on it as a short-term way to get her foot in the career door, so she can end up eventually with that lifestyle she's always wanted. This would be a favour while she finds her feet and gets established, and she would need to have her life a bit on hold for that interim.

And your sis might be more amenable if your DD looks into getting the Megabus or National Express or whatever home most weekends, too. That way DD will be at work or asleep most of her time in London, and not invading DS's space. A Monday to Friday lodger would possibly be a great deal easier to consider.

flumpybear · 24/03/2019 03:45

Perso ally i'd ask if she could stay for a month or two to find somewhere suitable to rent. IF they hit it off and she offers longer then great, but I'd be warning my DD to keep very tidy and not be inviting her mates over!!

HeyNannyNanny · 24/03/2019 03:55

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc

This changes the entire tone.
Your DD needs to get a place independant of family and a little bit of reality.

eggsandwich · 24/03/2019 04:18

I would say that at 55 your sister is very comfortable living on her own and the thought of someone invading her space would fill her with dread.

I’m 55 myself and have two teenagers but I find as I’m getting older I prefer my own company outside of immediate family, and I think as you and your sister are not particularly close it would be like having a virtual stranger lodging with her.

I suspect she will say no, but then thats her choice, but for your daughter to talk about having friends round is not only premature but disrespectful as its not her home and it would be incredibly difficult for someone who has been use to living on their own for I suspect a number years to then be suddenly invaded by a number of people decending on her home.

floribunda18 · 24/03/2019 04:42

Just ask, or ask your daughter to ask.

Ilove31415926535 · 24/03/2019 04:55

Yeah, your sister has already answered this question by mentioning lunch and shopping. She doesn't want a lodger

Japonicaflower2 · 24/03/2019 05:03

If I was your sister I wouldn't want your DD with her presumptions about using me for accommodation and somewhere far her to invite her friends!
Bloody cheek IMO.
I'm all for helping out friends and family but not entitled princesses/CFs.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 24/03/2019 05:39

I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc.

I think your sister is probably well aware of what your daughter is like.
To pre empty the question, she has clearly said she will meet your daughter for lunch.
There is no way on earth I would be having your dd as a lodger with that attitude.