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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

413 replies

EleanorEclipse · 23/03/2019 22:23

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 23/03/2019 23:18

Your dd is an adult and should be asking her auntie herself. Even though yiur sister lives alone in a big house, it is her right, without noise and hassle of your dd and her mates. Does not sound like your sister is keen.

AudTheDeepMinded · 23/03/2019 23:19

I lived with my Aunt for year when I moved to a new job. My Mum arranged it (she and my Aunt had reconciled after an argument and this was part of the Peace Deal I think!). I was just 21 and very naïve. In hindsight my Aunt didn't really want me there. It was a miserable year and as I was saving for an MA and due to the politics I couldn't actually leave without creating more shit. I felt on eggshells the whole time, Guests of any kind were not tolerated, I did not get on with my Aunt's partner. Unless your daughter and sister already have a very close relationship or a very formal arrangement can be drawn up in advance (so no false expectations on either side) I would say DON'T DO IT!

ConfCall · 23/03/2019 23:20

I don't know many 50-60 olds who'd want a 22 year old lodger plus visitors. I also don't know many 22 year olds who'd want to live with a middle-aged relative when they could house-share with other youngsters.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 23/03/2019 23:21

If Dd can’t ask herself it won’t work.

Would you let her live with you in dds room if she asked? If not then you are being really cheeky.

CatGoals · 23/03/2019 23:23

I lived in London on 23k and variously spent 500-700 a month on renting a room. I don’t think OP is going to tell us the salary though as it’ll turn out it’s actually very sustainable!

FrancisCrawford · 23/03/2019 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2019 23:29

This is really cheeky with a huge amount of front.its wholly unreasonable
it’s a huge imposition a year or two residing with aunt she’s not close too

KrazyKatlady · 23/03/2019 23:29

One of my friends works in retail (i think she earns 15-20k) and she flat shared in zone 5 until a few years ago. Commuting within London tube network is actually quite cheap compared to outside of London and other counties.

cstaff · 23/03/2019 23:31

My brother moved to London many years ago from Dublin and stayed with our aunt for a few weeks while he found his own place. He was really grateful to her and she helped him finding his own place. As a result of her looking after him back then the two of them have been very close which is lovely.

This on the other hand sounds like complete CFery. Even your dd mentioning that she likes the area and how she could have friends over.

trendingorange · 23/03/2019 23:36

1-2 years is massive commitment, I'm not sure the aunt should be asked to commit to that.
I think your daughter would be better off living with people her own age, I can see the attraction of the house in Ealing, but I assume you would have to persuade the aunt...otherwise why have you asked on here first?

Hersheys · 23/03/2019 23:38

@EleanorEclipse She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc

This isn't her house to 'enjoy having friends round'
By the sounds of your reply it doesn't sound much like your DS wants her living with her in the first place nevermind inviting anyone round

ShadyLady53 · 23/03/2019 23:39

I am dreading being put in this position by my sibling and niece in the future. I suspect they’ll try to push her on me or my elderly parents when she goes to university, probably the university I teach at, despite them living overseas. They are generally CFs who cannot say thank you, enquire after our well-being or seemingly do anything but take and expect to be waited on hand and foot. I’m 35 and want to have my own family in the future, not be stuck with a partying freeloading teenager/early 20 something who will no doubt give me lots of worries.

You’ve said yourself that you aren’t especially close. Your daughter seems to have already moved herself in, in her head. Why would you assume that your sister, who has her own independent life and 3 tellingly empty bedrooms would be happy to have you daughter move in and have friends etc over?

Your sister has already said what she’s happy with. Lunch and shopping trips.

Most of us who moved down to London in our teens or early twenties had to houseshare, that’s just how it works. It’s a great life lesson and gives you a lot of confidence that you’ve “made it in the big city”.

SweatyUnderboob · 23/03/2019 23:41

Look into property guardianship. Your DD could live somewhere central quite cheaply.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2019 23:43

Yes that’s a good suggestion

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 23/03/2019 23:44

justheretigiveaview
My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.If

Thats only a "sly dig" if you see those things as negative. I think the OP is just setting the scene. A middle aged woman who isnt used to living with teens or twenties somethings who has enough money to have a great house and not need lodgers. Useful for answering her op.

Personally op, I wouldn't ask for a year. I'd see if she could stay for a couple months and help her to find something nice in her range.

Your daughter gets someone with local knowledge and won't move into any risky flat shares.

I would ask as it's your sister and tgis gives your sis a chance to say no without feeling like shes offending your neice.

If they find they really get on then the conversation could be had between the two of them later.

I'd also let dd know that your sister wont want randoms at her house all the time while shes trying to relax after work.

puppy23 · 23/03/2019 23:45

Are house shares really that safe?

Stawp · 23/03/2019 23:45

I doubt your sister will be so keen for your daughter to bring her friends round.

ShadyLady53 · 23/03/2019 23:46

I also knew young people who lived with an elderly person for a nominal rent. They helped 12 hours a week with shopping, trips out, talking to them for longer periods etc. It provided companionship and safety for the elderly person and a comfortable low cost roof over the head of the young person. It was pretty successful and is still going I think.

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 23/03/2019 23:48

Bollocks, Yousay. She was making out the aunt is sitting pretty in London with all that space, no husband and kids (because she's a career bitch) so why shouldn't OP's perfect, baby daughter go and live there for 2 years and enjoy herself?

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 23/03/2019 23:49

If she wants a place to being friends round she should look for her own place where it's a business deal, this is a recipe for disaster staying with the 55 year old aunt who may have felt obliged to let her stay

dustarr73 · 23/03/2019 23:52

This

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 23/03/2019 23:53

Shady, the aunt is 55, not 105! I doubt she needs companionship and help with shopping.

Pinkbells · 23/03/2019 23:54

Good idea, nothing wrong with asking, she might be really glad of the company and to connect with her niece. What's the worst that can happen? She says no, which is where you are now.

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 23/03/2019 23:56

"Has a job" does not equal "career bitch". And sitting pretty in a big house doesnt equal a sly dig. You're weirdly defensive here.

The OP is explaining the very different monetary situations and why one has a big house and why one can't afford to finance the 20 year old (not that she should finance her adult daughter)

XXcstatic · 23/03/2019 23:58

Shady, the aunt is 55, not 105! I doubt she needs companionship and help with shopping

I think Shady meant that the DD could look at doing this as a way of living cheaply in central London, as an alternative to living with the aunt. Though I'm only in my 40s and happy to consider offers from young whipper-snappers wanting to help with my shopping

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