to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

[EleanorEclipse]

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

[MissMoan]

It is definitely worth asking your sister to consider allowing your dd to live with her, with a contribution. Allow your sister some time to think it through, and let her determine a trial period if that may help her decision.

[Verynice]

I suspect there is a reason your sister hasn't taken in lodgers in her 4 bed. Ask, but don't build your dd's hopes up. What salary is the job offering?

[Passmethecrisps]

I think this may go wrong.

I am not surprised your DD likes the sound of it. A smashing 4 bedroom house in a nice area which she can show off to her pals who are living in flatshares in Tower hamlets.

I would suggest to her that if she would like it then she needs to ask for it. By asking you to intercede she is already avoiding the awkward fact that this is your sister’s home.

You know your DD. Will she be respectful of the space? Tidy? Pull her weight?

It may work out fantastically but it could be a disaster. It needs to be carefully considered

[1frenchfoodie]

Agree with justhetetogive - the ‘invite friends’ alone is a big red flag to me. What, roughly, is the salary? Even at national minimum wage she should be able to lodge somewhere (speaking as somebody lodging into her 30s in SW London). She and you may just need some pointers on areas. Better to have her independence and not strain family relationships.

[florentina1]

I would not ask her. Your sister obviously values her independence and would think this an intrusion. I would hate to have a relative foisted on me, Your DD has to be more realistic. How does she think people on minimum wage survive. To sort this our for herself will be of more benefit to her.

All of my London based children left home before they were 20 and lived in house shares, it certainly made them grow up and appreciate home.

[fruitbrewhaha]

she'd enjoy having friends round etc

Yeah your sisters going to love that. A kitchen full of 20 somethings.

Have you not read the lodger threads on here?

[titchy]

Sorry but your dd sounds like a princessy cheeky mare! Tell her to grow the fuck up and houseshare like everyone else.

[brizzlemint]

I mentioned the job to my sister and her reply was "How lovely! I'll be able to meet her lunch and little shopping trips".

There's your answer, she'd have offered then if she was up for it.

[dustarr73]

I think your dd might have her eyes on the house,but i dont think her arse will be getting anywhere near it.

She needs to ask the aunt,and needs to understand the rules if the aunt lets her stay.I think you need to have a chat to your dd,and tell her not to have expectations of other peoples houses.

[Fatasfook]

I would ask, I would also make it clear that I realise that it’s a huge ask and that my daughter will be actively looking for alternatives so hopefully would be a short term arrangement. It could work out great and your sister might really enjoy living with her niece but if it doesn’t you have to make it clear that there would be no hard feelings.

[babysharkah]

You can ask but fully expect a no without drama. All our grads manage in house shares.

[NuffingChora]

I stayed with a close family friend in similar circumstances when I was around that age but in another major UK (expensive) city - and it worked really well. HOWEVER:

• They offered to have me
  
• The arrangement was rent free, and even though I think they would happily have us me for longer, I went in to it with my own understanding that it would only be for a month or two until alternative accommodation sorted
  
• I would NEVER have invited anyone round there - it’s their home, I respected that - if the aunt offered to let her have a friend round one night then great, but I think that she should assume that this won’t be the case
  
• I made really sure that I was as inconspicuous as possible - tidied up carefully after myself, offered to cook and clear up after meals regularly, left them to it in the living room in the evenings a lot of the time
  

I think your daughter needs to reassess her expectations quite a bit; even if the aunt were to offer, she needs to be realistic about what’s reasonable. I don’t think there’s necessarily harm in asking for a short stay, but agree it needs to be made clear that the aunt can say no.

[cocomelon23]

It sounds cheeky to me.

[NutElla5x]

Hmm if I was your sister I wouldn't mind having my niece to stay for a while, but I would not be at all happy with strangers coming in and out. I would also worry that I might get fed up with her and that she might get too comfy and out stay her welcome,which could cause problems within the family.I think the least your daughter could do is to show her maturity by broaching the subject with her auntie herself.

[XXcstatic]

DD is officially straying info CF territory

This. Ask if she can stay for a month (paying her way), while she finds a flat share. not 2 years FFS.

[Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt]

It does sound a bit cheeky.

Put it this way, would you have someone else's kid(who you don't see regularly) live at yours for a couple of years? Plus pals?

[HelloDarlin]

I just think DD is excited about moving to London, having friends ‘round etc & living in her auntie’s lovely house is all part of the fantasy. Of course she’s got all sorts of ideas! Who wouldn’t at that age?
The reality will be different. Living with auntie won’t be easy. She’ll have to live by the house rules. And may not have much independence. London is all about the hard knocks though, so auntie may be a cushion to that, before DD is ready to fly solo.

[Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt]

One of the complete joys of being an adult is not waiting for the key to turn & a flat sharer rock up. I would not be going back to sharing in my 50's.

[DonPablo]

I'd tell your dd that you have no issue with her asking her aunt directly, and see what happens

[FrogFairy]

I think the mention of lunch and shopping was your sister’s way of drawing a gentle but clear line in the sand.

I can’t imagine her wanting groups of your DD’s friends there, nor want to be disturbed by her coming home late after nights out. Also the thought of overnight guests...

[Aeroflotgirl]

Sounds a bit CF, sounds like your sister does not want houseguests! You are not close, don't ask her. It is a bug ask and cheeky.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

Your daughter is definitely starting to sound a bit like a CF.

Do you know how much she could afford a month for rent? Tell your sister you've been struggling and whether she knows any ideas where your daughter could rent for that amount a month. She may well offer or she may well be able to find her a place.

[BeautifulBoyCat]

Are you the Aunt that has been asked this question? Something about the way it's written strikes me as a reverse.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

There are also lots of us Londoners on MN, if you told her the salary then we may be able to suggest options.

[Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld]

Also, I don't like your sly dig at your sister: My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me. If she has a good career and is focused, she's earned that big, 4 bed house. I say this as a long term SM with no career, job I love though after many years unemployed, and £350 in the bank btw.